How Can a PhD Physicist Find Better Paying Jobs in North East England?

[mdxyz]

Stop thinking that having a life of your own is "betraying" other people. It sounds like she is taking advantage of you, frankly.

 

[ThinkToday]

After January though, the suggestion turned more towards the idea that I should buy a house for the family as a whole. I printed a list of all the houses in my price range in the nearest town (I wanted something in return for my money, namely not being needed to drive them to shops so that I could get my own place later on -- is this unreasonable?), but she rejected every single one of them (there were about 60 in my list) as "too small".

While you will always be your parents "child', you are an adult. You need to make your own decisions. If you choose to take care of your parents as they age, which is a good thing, you need to do it within YOUR frame of reference. Personally, there is no way in hell I would buy a house and have my parents move in with me. I can't imagine having my in-laws or parents living with me now. Assuming you are single, what do you think finding a future date/spouse would be like, knowing they'll be in the same house with your parents? IMO, based on your mom shooting down your house selections, do you really think your mother won't try to rule the roost when you have a spouse? Not a good scenario. I don't know what things are like where you are, but I'd find a nice apartment in an age appropriate (senior) community for them. They would have friends with common interests, music, social activity, etc.. You should become an occasional VISITOR. Move the heck away enough they won't be in your life every day trying to "guide" you in things they should stay out of.

Lastly, unless you think you're going to stay where you are a long time, I'd pass on buying a house. I bought my first house after I got married and moved a few times. It's a two person choice, and what you choose now may not work later. Find a nice apartment with other young people around, hit the social circle, and enjoy life. Visit your parents, but don't mix them up in your life too much.

 

[GCarty]

I didn't say there were no well-paying physics-related jobs, I said there were no well-paying physics jobs in the North East. There is very little of anything in the North East, but especially high tech and professional stuff, largely because professionals don't want to live in places like Hull. It would not be dramatically different in engineering, though finance is even more London-centric than everything else, so maybe a little.

Is the North-South divide severe enough (in your view) that it would be easier to get a £50k/year job in the South than a £30k/year job in the North (where "North" means anywhere north of Leicester, not just the Tyne-Tees region)?

 

[Devils]

Before my dad had his brain haemorrhage, I got the impression that (I have a fair bit of money in the bank, mostly inherited from my grandparents) my mother wanted me to wait until I had enough money to buy a house outright

I have a little knowledge of psychology. You need to see a registered psychologist, and go through these issues, have a talk about cognitive behavioural therapy.

- you sound like you have a very beta-male personality; you don't owe your parents anything after 21
- you are being a "white knight" solving others problems; listen to your language, you have empathy & identify with you parents; you need to learn to stand back and put this in perspective
- you can't solve others problems without looking after yourself first; look at your quote above from the perspective of an independent observer, asking for your mother's permission to buy your house!, it just appears odd
- the best present you could give your parents is get married & give them grandkids; you seem to have wandered down some track you have made for yourself with no plan at all
- starting this thread about under-employment, but ending up talking about your real problem tells me something too; could you have clinical depression or dysthemia without knowing it? Talk to a psychologist.

 

[AnTiFreeze3]

Carthy, disregard Devils' unjustified claims. I think he likes playing doctor.

 

[GCarty]

Solving my family problems

- you sound like you have a very beta-male personality; you don't owe your parents anything after 21
- you can't solve others problems without looking after yourself first; look at your quote above from the perspective of an independent observer, asking for your mother's permission to buy your house!, it just appears odd

Well they have let me live with them for next-to-nothing (I've often offered to make a bigger financial contribution to their household, only to be turned down flat every time). And since most of the money is what I inherited from my grandparents rather than what I earned through work, I feel like it isn't truly my money (it's probably only in my bank accounts because my parents are on means-tested benefits).

My predicament since January is that I'm now the only driver in a household located in a car-dependent area. I wanted to buy my parents a house in Peterlee so that they'd be within walking distance of decent shops (thus freeing me to move away without having any more responsibility to them), but as previously mentioned, she turned down every single one of 60 houses I listed as "too small". I never intended to stay with them long-term, rather I saw it as a way in which I could leave home with my honour still intact.

- the best present you could give your parents is get married & give them grandkids; you seem to have wandered down some track you have made for yourself with no plan at all

I can't imagine ever having children as the thought of having an autistic child like my sister fills me with terror. (And I feel like she's already a sword of Damocles hanging over me -- won't I have to care for her once my mother is no longer able to?)

I have Asperger syndrome myself, and know that there is a significant genetic component to autistic-spectrum disorders.

Perhaps adopting a child could be an idea, when the time comes?

 

[GCarty]

Personally, there is no way in hell I would buy a house and have my parents move in with me.

Lastly, unless you think you're going to stay where you are a long time, I'd pass on buying a house.

That wasn't really my plan -- it was rather to buy my mother a house in a non-car-dependent location so that she wouldn't need me to take her for groceries any more (and so that she could possibly find some opportunities to socialize -- she currently has no friends). This would allow me to move out (most likely to a rented flat) without being consumed with guilt about "abandoning" her, and without being chained to the North-East by her grocery shopping needs (also an important point, given the North-South divide in jobs that some others here have alluded to).

Assuming you are single, what do you think finding a future date/spouse would be like, knowing they'll be in the same house with your parents?

Bloody impossible, especially given my sister! One of the greatest fears in my life is that I'll never get to experience the ecstasy of having a naked woman in my arms!

IMO, based on your mom shooting down your house selections, do you really think your mother won't try to rule the roost when you have a spouse?

Good point, although given the sheer volume of things that she bought for my sister and I, she may have had a point about the houses within my budget being too small. (Your use of the word "mom" tells me you're North American, and houses in England are generally considerably smaller than in the US or Canada -- not surprising given that England's pop. density is comparable to Japan's.)

The amount of stuff also makes me think that for a place of my own, I'd want a 2 bed flat (although once moved, I would be able get rid of a lot of the excess stuff -- by car boot sale or Ebay -- without hurting my mother's feelings).

 

[Locrian]

Carthy, disregard Devils' unjustified claims. I think he likes playing doctor.

Well, GCarty has spent most of the thread playing patient, so it seems a reasonable response to me.

 

[StatGuy2000]

That wasn't really my plan -- it was rather to buy my mother a house in a non-car-dependent location so that she wouldn't need me to take her for groceries any more (and so that she could possibly find some opportunities to socialize -- she currently has no friends). This would allow me to move out (most likely to a rented flat) without being consumed with guilt about "abandoning" her, and without being chained to the North-East by her grocery shopping needs (also an important point, given the North-South divide in jobs that some others here have alluded to).
Bloody impossible, especially given my sister! One of the greatest fears in my life is that I'll never get to experience the ecstasy of having a naked woman in my arms!
Good point, although given the sheer volume of things that she bought for my sister and I, she may have had a point about the houses within my budget being too small. (Your use of the word "mom" tells me you're North American, and houses in England are generally considerably smaller than in the US or Canada -- not surprising given that England's pop. density is comparable to Japan's.)

The amount of stuff also makes me think that for a place of my own, I'd want a 2 bed flat (although once moved, I would be able get rid of a lot of the excess stuff -- by car boot sale or Ebay -- without hurting my mother's feelings).

Let me ask you something -- you were mentioning the amount of stuff that your parents (or more specifically, your mother) bought for you and your sister, and thus the house being too small. Do you actually need any of these items? You had already mentioned selling them on Ebay or car boot sale -- why not proceed to sell them right now, and then proceed to buy the house for your mother at a price you can afford. If the items are sold off, then that should open up the space that your mother is talking about. Then proceed to buy the house without her permission!

As a suggestion, make an ultimatum to your parents -- either move to the new house you bought for them (in a location where a car is not required), or stay in her current home and get NO help from you whatsoever.

As for your sister, just how severe is her autism? Some autistics can (with support) live independent lives. Assuming that her condition is severe, is it not possible for her to be placed in an institution where she can be given round-the-clock care by professionals (thus taking the burden off of you and your parents)? I'm sure those places are found in the UK.

 

[GCarty]

How to get away from my family?

Let me ask you something -- you were mentioning the amount of stuff that your parents (or more specifically, your mother) bought for you and your sister, and thus the house being too small. Do you actually need any of these items?

A few months back I tried to get rid of some of my carved wooden animals (I don't want rid of all of them, but I only want about half as many as I currently had) but my mother stopped me. I also wouldn't want to get rid of DVDs that I hadn't even watched, as that would hurt my mother's feeling even more. (Some of the things are no doubt bought for me in a vain attempt to lure me off my computer...)

I want my own place anyway (and moving away would free up far more space than just getting rid of some of my things). The main problem is plucking up the courage to tell my mother that I'm serious to move away (because she craves my company so much as I'm the only halfway-sane person she sees most days).

As a suggestion, make an ultimatum to your parents -- either move to the new house you bought for them (in a location where a car is not required), or stay in her current home and get NO help from you whatsoever.

I was already thinking on similar lines for after I moved away, with the additional threat that if she couldn't make her mind up on a house, I'd use the money to buy somewhere for myself instead (after all, it could come in very useful were I to move Down South).

As for your sister, just how severe is her autism? Some autistics can (with support) live independent lives. Assuming that her condition is severe, is it not possible for her to be placed in an institution where she can be given round-the-clock care by professionals (thus taking the burden off of you and your parents)? I'm sure those places are found in the UK.

She's not so severe that she can't talk (as is the case with some autistics) but "eternal 7-year-old" would be a good first-order approximation of her mental capabilities. My mother isn't keen at all about her living in an institution though, due to fears that she'd be abused and wouldn't be able to tell anyone what was happening. My mother has often said that if she won the lottery, she'd let me have all the winnings on condition that I promised to look after my sister...

 

[StatGuy2000]

I was already thinking on similar lines for after I moved away, with the additional threat that if she couldn't make her mind up on a house, I'd use the money to buy somewhere for myself instead (after all, it could come in very useful were I to move Down South).

That would be a good start; in that way, you are making decisions on your own independence, as well as putting the onus on getting your mother to make some needed changes in her life.

She's not so severe that she can't talk (as is the case with some autistics) but "eternal 7-year-old" would be a good first-order approximation of her mental capabilities. My mother isn't keen at all about her living in an institution though, due to fears that she'd be abused and wouldn't be able to tell anyone what was happening. My mother has often said that if she won the lottery, she'd let me have all the winnings on condition that I promised to look after my sister...

That sounds like a pretty severe form of autism. I understand your mother's concern (no doubt your concern as well) about placing your sister in an institution due to concerns of abuse (I have heard of reports in Canada of mistreatment of those in institutions), but these aren't necessarily the norm. You can put yourself at ease by doing some fact-checking on various institutions or by asking seeking information from autism support groups (I'm sure these are around in the UK). Furthermore, I would assume that these institutions are run by the government, so there should be some form of oversight on the activities that goes on there.

(Now as far as your mother winning the lottery -- the probability of that ever occurring is so slim that this would not even be worth considering at the moment).

 

[GCarty]

That would be a good start; in that way, you are making decisions on your own independence, as well as putting the onus on getting your mother to make some needed changes in her life.

I was expecting to take my mother shopping tomorrow evening, but it turns out I don't need to as she went on the bus (even though it cost £5.10 return, and it's difficult bringing that amount of shopping back on the bus!) I get the feeling that she herself feels guilty about me taking her shopping (which is probably why she insists on paying me for my fuel usage -- and considerably more than what the fuel would actually cost!) One issue is that I'm sure my mother doesn't believe she's restricting my life (it's unwillingness for me to tell her that I'm doing something new that deters me from doing it -- probably driven by a mix of guilt and paranoia).

Regarding budgeting, I'm concerned my budget for living independently may be tight, as shown by the following approximate budget (any advice? Let me know if my numbers are off...):

Take-home pay per month: £1280
Rent: £450
Council tax: £82
Food: £220
Electricity: £100
Gas: £100
Water: £30
TV licence: £12
Phone: £15
Internet: £15
Car depreciation: £95
Car insurance: £60
Car fuel: £90

Remaining: £11 per month

Oh, and to bring things back onto topic, how would people here recommend I handle the north-south divide issue once I feel ready to look in earnest for a better job? Should I consider the whole country right away, or only consider the South after exhausting the North's possibilities? ("North" in this context means anywhere in England not within practical commuting distance of London, as such regions will have cheaper property than places nearer London...)

(Now as far as your mother winning the lottery -- the probability of that ever occurring is so slim that this would not even be worth considering at the moment).

Of course, but I still think her remark is illuminating in that it shows that she thinks my sister's welfare is way more important than her material situation. She's often said to me "unless you're willing to ALWAYS put your children first, you shouldn't have any!"

 

[cobalt124]

To separate your issues out a bit, I do not see any reason why you could not get a job in the North East of England with wages far in excess of what you are earning. You could achieve this by being selective in what you put on your cv (I haven't read yours). I recently had to apply for I.T jobs in N.E. England (born and bred here), and I found the the whole experience a soul crushing, "self spinning", "style over substance" nightmare. I just wanted a job I liked doing for a reasonable wage, it seemed too much to be asking, though if you are willing to "play the game", I believe you could earn far more than you are now. You could earn more in local government, though again your cv may need some pruning.

A job appropriate to your academic background would be more difficult. You would almost certainly be relocating.

Best of Luck - with everything.

 

[Devils]

Carthy, disregard Devils' unjustified claims. I think he likes playing doctor.

Well as I said I have studied clinical psychology & have experience counseling.

Oh, and to bring things back onto topic, how would people here recommend I handle the north-south divide issue once I feel ready to look in earnest for a better job?

You probably won't like this - leave & live your own life. There are plenty of people leave to live with spouse, move overseas etc, even when their relatives are in dire predicament. Some people leave (ie become 'missing persons') & never talk to their relatives again.

Indeed many people emigrate to other countries precisely because of bad family situations.

You really lack insight & have painted yourself into a corner with your self-generated predicament . You are in effect throwing away your life because others.

I suggest you read something on emotional freedom & positive psychology.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307338185/?tag=pfamazon01-20
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1577311523/?tag=pfamazon01-20
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0807014273/?tag=pfamazon01-20
http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

As a suggestion, make an ultimatum to your parents

Good lord he's not 12. If you want to move then move.

 

[meldraft]

Since we're talking science here, this might help you out:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html

It talks about synthetic happiness. When faced with a choice between two permanent situations, there is solid research that indicates that the human mind will find a way to be happy, no matter what you choose. This doesn't take more than 3 months.

This is intended to give you the peace of mind that no matter what you choose, your mother will grow to be happy about it.

Now from my experience, the more you talk about something, the less likely it becomes to actually do something about it, therefore go for it! Now!

 

[GCarty]

You could earn more in local government, though again your cv may need some pruning.

I doubt I'd have any good prospects working for the government, given the Coalition's cuts in public spending.

You probably won't like this - leave & live your own life. There are plenty of people leave to live with spouse, move overseas etc, even when their relatives are in dire predicament. Some people leave (ie become 'missing persons') & never talk to their relatives again.

You misunderstood my question (which wasn't about leaving my parents at all). My question was whether the potential improvement in my income prospects from being willing to consider London and the South East would be worth the vastly greater cost of living there (and perhaps other inconveniences, such as a greater part of my time spent on commuting).

That's what my "is it easier to earn £50k/year in the South than to earn £30k/year in the North" was getting at.

 

[cobalt124]

I doubt I'd have any good prospects working for the government, given the Coalition's cuts in public spending.

I imagine the situation is the same in the public or private sector. What I was saying was there will be jobs in the North East paying far more than you are on now, personal ambitions aside.

 

[mdxyz]

That's what my "is it easier to earn £50k/year in the South than to earn £30k/year in the North" was getting at.

1. In your line of work, probably

2. You don't earn £30k in the North

 

[GCarty]

2. You don't earn £30k in the North

I'm not talking about my current job here.

 

[GCarty]

Recently my PhD supervisor has asked me to come back into the university to help him complete a journal article he's been writing based on some of my thesis work. Unfortunately this has led to my mother accusing him of taking advantage of me, as well as complaining "why didn't you try to get a job at the university, so you only had to travel 7 miles each way to work instead of 25?" The fact that I haven't had a pay rise in the last 2 years has also led to accusations that I'll just let anyone walk all over me (except her, of course).

I only got to check out one possible place to live (which I didn't want as it was £425 per month for a dump with rotten windows) -- when my mother found out she scolded me for being so pitifully naive about what independent living costs. It's really getting on my nerves...

 

[ParticleGrl]

Recently my PhD supervisor has asked me to come back into the university to help him complete a journal article he's been writing based on some of my thesis work.

So tell him that you will, but your time isn't free. If he needs you for a journal article he can pay you for your time.

 

[GCarty]

So tell him that you will, but your time isn't free. If he needs you for a journal article he can pay you for your time.

I probably would've done that if he'd asked me for my help again, but he sent me the new draft earlier this week and I replied that I was happy with it.

Would it be a good idea if I was renting a place to start with somewhere close to my parents? (Even my dad -- who doesn't worry anything like as badly as my mam -- thinks this would be a good idea.) I'd need to spend more on my commute of course, but the rent may be cheaper. My mam seems to think renting in general is throwing my money away, but I suspect she may be driven by the rage she feels towards my dad (for failing to make her a homeowner).

On the positive side, it looks like I'll possibly be getting a pay rise next week...

 

[GCarty]

My pay's been increased to £20,262, which should give me a bit more leeway now if I was looking for a place of my own...

 

[mdxyz]

You are still being absurdly underpaid.

You won't rent somewhere (other than a house share) for £100/week or less.

You need to get away from your overbearing mother.

 

[GCarty]

When I got my pay rise I was also informed of the pay scales for programmers within the company, which are:

Placement Programmer: £14,000 - £15,066
Trainee Programmer: £14,340 - £17,909
Programmer: £16,630 - £25,305
Senior Programmer: £24,085 - £44,653
Lead Programmer - Management: £28,630 - £40,453
Lead Programmer - Specialist: £28,630 - £50,520
Programming Project Manager: £37,565 - £63,093
Senior Programming Manager: £58,588 - £100,864

What do people here think?

As for finding my own place to live, how can I possibly convince my mother I could manage when she isn't even happy about my getting my own money from the bank (she prefers I send my dad to get it) because she's so worried about someone sticking a knife in me at the ATM?

Both my parents told me that if I insisted on getting my own place they prefer me to live somewhere where they'd be able to get to in an emergency (which since none of them can drive now, pretty much means Peterlee or one of the local former colliery villages), but I'd much rather live in Tyne and Wear nearer to where I work (which would also put me nearer other amenities, as well as saving on commuting costs). She was especially against the idea that I move to Gateshead itself (she thinks it's infested with violent criminals) but where else could I check out properties without there knowledge (as if I was late back from work she'd be sure to ask why)?

Oh, and can anyone here suggest a more appropriate forum to discuss my situation, now that we're discussing how to transition to independent living rather than how to find a better job?

 

[Locrian]

Both my parents told me that if I insisted on getting my own place they prefer me to live somewhere where they'd be able to get to in an emergency (which since none of them can drive now, pretty much means Peterlee or one of the local former colliery villages), but I'd much rather live in Tyne and Wear nearer to where I work (which would also put me nearer other amenities, as well as saving on commuting costs).

So what's the problem with Tyne and Wear? The fact that they can't get to it is a huge plus.

You should also consider Australia, Hong Kong and California.

 

[StatGuy2000]

As for finding my own place to live, how can I possibly convince my mother I could manage when she isn't even happy about my getting my own money from the bank (she prefers I send my dad to get it) because she's so worried about someone sticking a knife in me at the ATM?

Given that I do not live in the UK, I can't say what the crime rates are like in northeastern England, but I frankly think your mother is overreacting.

Both my parents told me that if I insisted on getting my own place they prefer me to live somewhere where they'd be able to get to in an emergency (which since none of them can drive now, pretty much means Peterlee or one of the local former colliery villages), but I'd much rather live in Tyne and Wear nearer to where I work (which would also put me nearer other amenities, as well as saving on commuting costs). She was especially against the idea that I move to Gateshead itself (she thinks it's infested with violent criminals) but where else could I check out properties without there knowledge (as if I was late back from work she'd be sure to ask why)?

I can understand your parents wishing their children to be close to them, especially as they get older (it would be ideal to have someone nearby in cases of, say, a medical emergency), but you shouldn't let their wishes weigh in too heavily on where you wish to live. You are an adult, and you have to make your own decisions.

How long does it take to drive from your current home to Tyne and Wear? (I assume you drive and have access to a vehicle) If the commute is not too long, then at least you will still be able to check up on your parents periodically.

 

[mdxyz]

As for finding my own place to live, how can I possibly convince my mother I could manage

What a bizarre question.

It is your life and your income. It doesn't matter what she thinks.

Both my parents told me that if I insisted on getting my own place they prefer me to live somewhere where they'd be able to get to in an emergency (which since none of them can drive now, pretty much means Peterlee or one of the local former colliery villages), but I'd much rather live in Tyne and Wear nearer to where I work

Your job is one of the problems. I don't think your parents would be any use to your in an emergency. Live in the South East and buy a phone so you can call an ambulance if you need to (afaik, you are a healthy young-ish guy?).

 

[GCarty]

What a bizarre question. It is your life and your income. It doesn't matter what she thinks.

I don't want her to worry herself to death about me though! (Damn, why does she have to be such a worry-wart?) Although given what has happened to her over the course of her life, it's no wonder she's an extreme pessimist. :(

Your job is one of the problems.

Maybe, but I'd find it too stressful to be learning how to live independently AND starting a new job at the same time...

 

[AlephZero]

When I got my pay rise I was also informed of the pay scales for programmers within the company, which are:

Placement Programmer: £14,000 - £15,066
Trainee Programmer: £14,340 - £17,909
Programmer: £16,630 - £25,305
Senior Programmer: £24,085 - £44,653
Lead Programmer - Management: £28,630 - £40,453
Lead Programmer - Specialist: £28,630 - £50,520
Programming Project Manager: £37,565 - £63,093
Senior Programming Manager: £58,588 - £100,864

What do people here think?

It depends very much how fast the "average" promotion rate is. Some companies equate "senior" with "has worked for 6 months without doing anything blatantly stupid or illegal". Others don't.

It would seem that once you get to "senior", there is some chance that your actual pay is based on merit, not on the grading structure.

 

[GCarty]

How can I improve relations with my mother

That sounds like a pretty severe form of autism. I understand your mother's concern (no doubt your concern as well) about placing your sister in an institution due to concerns of abuse (I have heard of reports in Canada of mistreatment of those in institutions), but these aren't necessarily the norm. You can put yourself at ease by doing some fact-checking on various institutions or by asking seeking information from autism support groups (I'm sure these are around in the UK). Furthermore, I would assume that these institutions are run by the government, so there should be some form of oversight on the activities that goes on there..

AIUI the local authority has offered respite care for my mother (whereby she'd be cared for in an institution for a few days so my mother could have a break) but my sister herself adamantly refuses to go (and as she's over 18, my mother can't force her to).

I noticed Devils referred me in one of his PMs to borderline personality disorder -- does the incident which happened this afternoon (when taking my mother for some shopping) suggest that she has it in your view?

Most of the afternoon proceeded without incident (we went to Lidl, Tesco, Morrisons, Asda and B&M in Hartlepool) in spite of my mother feeling unwell (she hadn't eaten for several days due to a nasty stomach upset), and in Asda she said that "I must have the patience of a saint" to be willing to take her shopping. However, when I was driving away from B&M she hinted that we go back to Asda to buy a magazine about the iPad. It's something she's been thinking about buying my sister for Christmas, but I haven't been keen on the idea. My mother thinks it's because I'm selfish, whereas I'm fearing that an iPad for my sister would become a ball and chain for me (in the sense that it would prevent me from getting my own place) because my sister would need so much help in using it (as I said before, she only has the mind of a 7-year-old child) and also because I'd need to leave an internet connection available at home for her use even though my mother herself never uses a computer. Within about 10 seconds of my making unenthusiastic noises about going back to Asda my mother just flipped and has been angry with me for the rest of the day! I've also been vomiting several times since getting home -- is this me possibly getting my mother's illness, or is it because her anger shook the hell out of me, or something else?

Incidentally, my mother is collecting coupons every week (of 6) at Morrisons to a get a £25 voucher for Christmas. It wouldn't be practical for her to go on the bus (due to weight of shopping, and also because as the only bus service to Hartlepool takes a very circuitous route). That's why I decided to postpone my investigations into independent living until the New Year...

 

[mdxyz]

And in the New Year there will be some other incredibly minor piece of trivia that is "forcing" you not to move out. Just give her the £25 if it means so much!

I'm no psychiatrist but I think you have become emotionally dependent on your parents to an unhealthy extent, and it certainly sounds like your parents (particularly your mother) are manipulating you for their own benefit.

Do you have any savings? Is it practical for you to just up and leave tonight, and check into a bed and breakfast?

 

[GCarty]

Problems with my mother's loneliness

And in the New Year there will be some other incredibly minor piece of trivia that is "forcing" you not to move out. Just give her the £25 if it means so much!

I don't think it's a problem -- I've heard most people thinking of moving house wouldn't do so in the run-up to Christmas either. Also, just offering her to give her money doesn't work -- I've tried it before when she's complained about me wasting electricity and she won't take my money.

I'm no psychiatrist but I think you have become emotionally dependent on your parents to an unhealthy extent, and it certainly sounds like your parents (particularly your mother) are manipulating you for their own benefit.

If anything it's she who's emotionally dependent on me (though who can blame her, when I'm the only other fully mentally capable person in the house now?) She often says that during the day when I'm at work, she feels like a prisoner in solitary confinement!

Do you have any savings? Is it practical for you to just up and leave tonight, and check into a bed and breakfast?

I don't want to do that as I still want to be able to take my stuff with me (mainly books and clothes). Do you truly think though that I'll have to go behind my mother's back to find myself my own place though, as I'll never be able to convince her to let me go willingly?

Oh, and can you suggest a more suitable forum for continuing this discussion?

 

[GCarty]

In case anyone's interested, I've discussed some of my family issues over at the Dysfunctional Families threads of Teresa Nielsen Hayden's Making Light blog.

Dysfunctional Families: Sitting and rising
Dysfunctional Families: Surviving and Thriving

I'm using the pseudonym "Codemonkey in NE England" (or "Worried in NE England" on my first post), a reference to my current computer-programming job.

 

[physwizard]

I'm not from your country but I do sympathize with your situation. If you are familiar with graph theory, the situation which you are in can be described as a "deadlock", which is a vicious circle of dependencies which prevents you from getting ahead. You have to relax some of your criteria if you want to get ahead. You have to go where the jobs are. If your home was in the sahara desert would you still crib about not being able to get a job as a computer programmer there? You need to be willing to travel. You can always send some cash to your home. I think in a previous post, you mentioned that your mom's grocery shopping was a reason you could not change location. Thats the most absurd and ridiculous reason I've ever heard. You can't really call these hurdles. Either you can get a chauffeur, hire a local kid to do some driving for extra pocket money, use public transportation, find a home near a grocery store, or even get stuff delivered to your home. There are innumerable solutions. Or else your mom can just learn how to drive.
Frankly you mentioned in a previous post that you are 32, you should really be ashamed that you are still a mama's boy at this age.
I think it is your own inability to take firm decisions which is responsible for where you are right now. At 32, you are still a boy and have not yet become a man.

 

[physwizard]

Do you have any savings? Is it practical for you to just up and leave tonight, and check into a bed and breakfast?

lol. liked your comment.

 

[GCarty]

I had a look at a flat last Tuesday which I thought looked reasonable. My plan was to sign for it the next day, but my mother found out (she went in my money tin and noticed my bank card was missing). Cue angry phone call, and a diatribe when I got back home. Not only that, but she's now keeping most of my bank stuff in her room because she doesn't trust me with it any more.

Not so much a "mama's boy" as a near-prisoner of an outrageously overprotective mother. :(