How do you overcome parental favortism?

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Discussion Overview

The discussion revolves around the experiences and feelings related to parental favoritism among adult siblings. Participants share personal anecdotes, coping strategies, and reflections on the impact of favoritism on their lives and relationships with their parents and siblings.

Discussion Character

  • Exploratory
  • Debate/contested
  • Conceptual clarification

Main Points Raised

  • Some participants describe their experiences of feeling favored or neglected by their parents, leading to emotional challenges and relationship strains.
  • One participant suggests that self-esteem should not be tied to parental evaluations and encourages seeking self-help groups.
  • Another participant notes that perceived favoritism may stem from parents responding to different needs of their children, which may not always be understood by the siblings.
  • A participant shares that their sibling's dependency on parents contrasts with their own independence, which they attribute to the dynamics of favoritism.
  • Some participants express that as adults, they believe they should not seek financial or career support from their parents, emphasizing independence.
  • There are humorous remarks about family dynamics during outings, highlighting the competitive nature of siblings regarding parental attention and financial matters.
  • One participant reflects on the idea that parents may not be aware of their favoritism and that it is a common human flaw.
  • Another participant acknowledges their own mixed feelings about favoritism, recognizing subtle biases while also appreciating the overall care from their parents.
  • Some participants discuss the importance of independence and how it can mitigate the effects of favoritism.
  • There are mentions of generational patterns in parenting and the potential for repeating past mistakes.

Areas of Agreement / Disagreement

Participants express a range of views on parental favoritism, with some agreeing on the importance of independence and self-worth, while others share differing experiences and feelings about favoritism's impact. The discussion remains unresolved regarding the best ways to cope with or understand favoritism.

Contextual Notes

Participants acknowledge the complexity of family dynamics and the subjective nature of favoritism, with some noting that their interpretations may be influenced by personal experiences and emotional responses.

Who May Find This Useful

Individuals dealing with familial relationships, particularly those feeling affected by parental favoritism, may find insights and shared experiences relevant to their situations.

ilii
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Hi everyone,

Has anyone here been the victim of parental favoritism as an adult? I am specifically talking about situations where one or both parents are convincingly giving one sibling special treatment (i.e. employment/career opportunities, monetary gain, etc.) over the other siblings. If so, I am interested in hearing your side of the story and how you dealt with it.

Thanks
 
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You just need to grow up. Your self-esteem is not at all connected to another's (your parent's) evaluation of you. Once you realize that, then you are well on your way to adulthood. However, it hurts and it's OK to feel that hurt - just don't let it run your life anymore. Let it go. Find a self-help group. Your parents are the ones who are losing out, not you.
 
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Very important to get a good self-help group. One that you feel welcome in. Also remember that a lot of what we believe to be special treatment towards our siblings could have reasons we couldn't understand at the time, i.e. your sibling may have needed special attention in certain areas while you may have been much more intelligent or mature or whatever and didn't need the extra attention which you then mistook for love. this is very often the case. Also remember, your parents are human and make mistakes. No one taught them how to be perfect parents. Ok, that's about it. Anyone else??
 
Thank you for the feedback ebos, I will try to look into a self-help group of some sort.
 
I've seen a lot of that.

It's hard for parents to wean themselves of the need to protect and nurture.
They can unknowingly keep a kid dependent or make a narcissist out of one. I think that's why Mother Nature programs us to rebel in adolescence, to encourage parents to push us out into the world.

If you feel you're getting less than a sibling,
thank your lucky stars
give yourself a kick-start
and shout over your shoulder "Catch me if you can !" .

 
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ilii said:
Has anyone here been the victim of parental favoritism as an adult? I am specifically talking about situations where one or both parents are convincingly giving one sibling special treatment (i.e. employment/career opportunities, monetary gain, etc.) over the other siblings. If so, I am interested in hearing your side of the story and how you dealt with it.
I agree with ebos. Once you are an established adult, you shouldn't be looking for career opportunities/monetary gain from your parents. If you take money from them, they own you.

When my parents take my sister and I out for dinner, we all fight each other for the check. Last time, my sister excused herself to go to the bathroom before the check came...and it never came. Sneaky, that one...
 
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jim hardy said:
thank your lucky stars
give yourself a kick-start
Hihi, that rhymes. :smile:
 
russ_watters said:
When my parents take my sister and I out for dinner, we all fight each other for the check. Last time, my sister excused herself to go to the bathroom before the check came...and it never came. Sneaky, that one...

Won't it be better to openly declare you will take rounds? OT, I know.
 
My parents pretty blatantly did a lot more for my sister than me, and as a result she became someone who is very dependent on other people and I became someone who is independent. It still bothers me to this day as the extent of the favoritism was cruel enough where my friends and other people I was close with would bring it up. Basically I tried talking to them about it but they just deny any responsibility and at one point in time I fought a lot. The fighting got to the point where I stopped talking to them for several months; after about 2 they started to try to contact me but would never apologize or own up to their mistakes. Now I maybe talk to them once every week or two, the conversations are short, and I feel much better without my family in my life. Toxic people are toxic regardless of their family status. Justice was served in a roundabout way: they are in serious financial trouble and I'm not and don't plan on helping them.
 
  • #10
Well if your parents are favoring you, there's several ways to overcome it.

- become a stripper
- do drugs
- get arrested for lewd crimes
- get their computers infected with viruses
 
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  • #11
Borek said:
Won't it be better to openly declare you will take rounds?
No, parents are in charge and kids do what they are told, so that wouldn't have solved anything. That incident actually led to a not insignificant argument. A backwards argument (and I pointed that out to my mom), but an argument nonetheless.
 
  • #12
russ_watters said:
No, parents are in charge and kids do what they are told, so that wouldn't have solved anything. That incident actually led to a not insignificant argument. A backwards argument (and I pointed that out to my mom), but an argument nonetheless.

Once kids are adults and living independently, by definition parents are no longer in charge, at least as far as I'm concerned. That's the way things work in my family, and it took my parents a while to adjust to that mentality, but overall it worked out for all of us.
 
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  • #13
To the OP:

I have to admit that I've been very fortunate to have parents that have not openly played favourites between my sister and me, although the more I've thought about it over the years, I have noticed that my mother seemed to have paid more attention to and subtly favoured me, whereas my father subtly favoured my sister, perhaps due to similarities in personality. And I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing either (parents are human, after all), so long as the parents nonetheless provide love, nurturing, and care to all of their children, and they are responsible and take extra care to ensure that children are being treated fairly.

In terms of how to overcome favoritism, I agree with ebos that since you are now an adult, your self-esteem and self-worth should not be tied to the actions of your parents. You are independent and free to make your own decisions on how to live your life, and shouldn't feel the need for approval from anyone. Just my 2 cents worth.
 
  • #14
StatGuy2000 said:
Once kids are adults and living independently, by definition parents are no longer in charge, at least as far as I'm concerned. That's the way things work in my family, and it took my parents a while to adjust to that mentality, but overall it worked out for all of us.
Yes, there was sarcasm there -- my parents still think they are in charge, but really aren't. But on the broader issue, I totally agree: kids should be independent as adults and "favoritism" should be an irrelevancy because you aren't looking for or accepting favors to begin with!

I'm 40 and my sister 41 and the last time either of us lived with my parents was 14 years ago when I returned from the Navy and lived with them for 3 months before getting a job and an apartment. They were overprotective when we were kids, but still taught us independence, and we've both taken that fully onboard.

It has gone to the full extent that I'd rather have my independence than help from them, except in some undefined extreme circumstance. As an example that didn't happen; when I bought my first house about 10 years ago, they offered to give me a loan at low interest to help with the down-payment (thus lowering my mortgage interest rate), but I declined. Their parents had done that for them, but I'd rather be independent.

Apropos:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/money...ept-financial-support-their-parents/82073458/
 
  • #15
There is a strong tendency to repeat the mistakes our own parents made. Lucky are the folks who see that in themselves and avoid it.

I think that's what grandparents are for -
to temper our parenting by adding their (hopefully)enlightened life experience .
 

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