Middle Age: Breaking Comfort Zones & Starting New Adventures

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The discussion centers around the challenges of forming new friendships in adulthood, particularly as individuals reach middle age. Participants reflect on how routines can become overly comforting, leading to a reluctance to take risks and try new experiences. Many express a desire to break free from these patterns by engaging in activities that surprise others, such as taking dance lessons or joining social groups. There is a shared acknowledgment that while making new friends can be difficult, proactive efforts—like inviting colleagues to lunch or participating in Meetup groups—can yield positive results. The conversation also touches on the importance of staying active and open-minded to combat the inertia that often accompanies aging. Overall, the thread emphasizes the need for individuals, especially those in middle age, to embrace risk-taking and seek out new social connections to enrich their lives.
  • #31
DanP said:
Whats the value of this, apart of saving face ? Say the damn wrong thing, we all do :smile:
The problem is not saying the wrong thing. The problem is avoiding contact for fear of saying the wrong thing. Some people learn to dive right in, while others need to ease slowly into the water. This is advice for them.
 
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  • #32
Lisa, Zooby,

When I saw your post and the words "get out of the comfort zone", I was a little surprised. I posted this: https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2747466&postcount=220" last night and at the bottom of the post wrote: at 10:27 PM ET
P.S. This is an interesting challenge, outside of my comfort zone.

That being said, I would say for myself, once you begin to realize that the clock is ticking and with those around you having accidents, God forbid getting cancer, etc... it makes me appreciate every day you are here and as you said to take risks that you normally wouldn't.

Being a member of PF takes care of the mental part of the equation for me.

Physically, I have a lung condition acquired long ago, and having grown up in the mountains have always hiked and bicycled a lot. Last year I pedaled up one of the mountains near where I grew up, it was not easy, but I made it. This year I want to do the same thing again, however, the mountain has two access roads (total elevation about the same as Mt Washington in NH) and I plan to do both in the same day. I do training runs and was discouraged last week to find I was having trouble on a short but steep climb, well yesterday went to the Dr and got meds for it so I should be able to continue training once this clears up. I am just glad it isn't my lungs getting worse. I can handle temporary setbacks, which is what it turned out to be.

Rhody...:wink:
 
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  • #33
When I was younger I had a list of things I wanted to do. I hope this list is still somewhere here, if not, I will have to try to recreate it. But in a way we already started to do things that we never thought about earlier, AC/DC concert was one of them.

Basically, it sounds like a middle age crisis, doesn't it?
 
  • #34
rhody said:
Lisa, Zooby,

When I saw your post and the words "get out of the comfort zone", I was a little surprised. I posted this: https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2747466&postcount=220" last night and at the bottom of the post wrote: at 10:27 PM ET


That being said, I would say for myself, once you begin to realize that the clock is ticking and with those around you having accidents, God forbid getting cancer, etc... it makes me appreciate every day you are here and as you said to take risks that you normally wouldn't.

Being a member of PF takes care of the mental part of the equation for me.

Physically, I have a lung condition acquired long ago, and having grown up in the mountains have always hiked and bicycled a lot. Last year I pedaled up one of the mountains near where I grew up, it was not easy, but I made it. This year I want to do the same thing again, however, the mountain has two access roads (total elevation about the same as Mt Washington in NH) and I plan to do both in the same day. I do training runs and was discouraged last week to find I was having trouble on a short but steep climb, well yesterday went to the Dr and got meds for it so I should be able to continue training once this clears up. I am just glad it isn't my lungs getting worse. I can handle temporary setbacks, which is what it turned out to be.

Rhody...:wink:

Wow, we must have tapped into the PF collective mind, Rhody :smile:. Good that your lungs are holding up; good health is such a gift. I also have occasional setbacks which can be aggravating but are generally manageable. I find that I am a bit more hesitant to do things that can damage me physically (like very fast downhill skiing) because I know how looooong it takes to heal now - and healing is never complete anymore! So I take that into account, in my internal risk analysis.

But there are plenty of things that are out of my comfort zone that don't involve great physical risk. Even something like going to see a play that I've never heard of before, or ordering something at a restaurant without asking what's in it. Those kinds of things, I find more and more I have to remind myself to do, whereas when I was young I would do spontaneously.
 
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  • #35
Borek said:
Basically, it sounds like a middle age crisis, doesn't it?


Yeah, right. Like a man like you need validation from the society and it's mid life crisis drama.
 
  • #36
Ivan Seeking said:
After twenty years, I changed coffee brands.
There's a point where risk taking has gone too far, Ivan.
 
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  • #37
Jimmy Snyder said:
When I was younger, I was quite shy of women. I got this one piece of advice: Be?fore you strike up a conversation with a woman, already have an exit strategy (women, this works with men). If you get flustered and nervous and sure that you are going to blurt out the wrong thing, cut and run. Suddenly remember an appointment with your financial advisor or something. I put this plan into action and overcame my shyness. I learned that people love to talk about themselves and all it takes for a successful encounter is to draw them out. Be genuinely interested in them and what they are experiencing and you will soon be on the right side of that 50% figure.
Well yeah, but are you talking about this?:
" When I am forced to eat alone, I approach someone else who is eating alone..."

cuz that's what Hyp said she's doing. Do you think you could approach a man? You might be able to approach a woman...
 
  • #38
DaveC426913 said:
I suspect that, if I walked up to a stranger and asked if I could join them for lunch, I might not have quite as much luck as Hyp. I suspect you may have the same experience. Also, Ivan. Jimmy. Astro...
Why wouldn't you, though?

Space down at the cafe is usually at a premium. I have often had to approach men asking to share the table, and I've been approached by men. As long as you're polite, respectful, non-invasive, everything goes fine.
 
  • #39
Ya but they probably don't even say a word to you I bet.
 
  • #40
zoobyshoe said:
Why wouldn't you, though?

Space down at the cafe is usually at a premium. I have often had to approach men asking to share the table, and I've been approached by men. As long as you're polite, respectful, non-invasive, everything goes fine.

I do that too. But we're not talking about sharing a table, we're talking about striking up a dialogue.

Hyp is talking about when she is "forced" to eat alone, i.e. she is approaching someone for the company, not the table real estate.
 
  • #41
magpies said:
Ya but they probably don't even say a word to you I bet.
I'm seeing the problem here is that people have all kinds of preconceptions about what would happen if they did this.

First off, every single person will react differently. Sometimes the person who seems intently focused on a book is just waiting for someone to strike up a conversation, and sometimes they're really hoping no one bothers them. You never know.

Secondly, you have to be aware enough to know how to test out if someone is up for a conversation in a non-invasive way, and be ready to back off if they aren't. Half the time, if you adopt a sensitive, non-invasive demeanor, the other person is the one who strikes up the conversation anyway

Personally, I like to sit there quietly for a while and scope them out for potentially weird behavior. Like Hypatia said, you can really regret you started a conversation sometimes when it turns out the person is "off" in one way or another.
 
  • #42
I guess there's also the problem of what to say. For some, such as I, small talk is not a forte. However, in my experience, following up on the interesting people you meet is much more difficult than meeting them.
 
  • #43
DaveC426913 said:
I do that too. But we're not talking about sharing a table, we're talking about striking up a dialogue.

Hyp is talking about when she is "forced" to eat alone, i.e. she is approaching someone for the company, not the table real estate.
If someone let's you sit down the chances of striking up a conversation are massively increased. How it goes from there depends on how you play it. I think you're right that most people are going to be more open with a woman, but you're wrong to assume they will be closed off to a man. In general they're only going to be closed off to a person they sense is going to make the experience unpleasant for them. If you plan on being judgemental, opinionated, and doing most of the talking, then, yeah, you should assume they will be closed off to conversation. Likewise if you plan on being needy and are hoping they'll sit in silence as you rattle off a litany of your problems and anxieties, you can assume they'll be closed off. It's all kind of obvious: if you can react instantly and steer away from anything they seem to find unpleasant, uninteresting, etc, you should be fine.

Everyone should read "How to Win Friends and Influence People", the old classic. Simply listening to people can create an extremely pleasant situation for them.
 
  • #44
Tedjn said:
I guess there's also the problem of what to say. For some, such as I, small talk is not a forte. However, in my experience, following up on the interesting people you meet is much more difficult than meeting them.
What's the difficulty you encounter with small talk?
 
  • #45
It's small.
 
  • #46
zoobyshoe said:
What's the difficulty you encounter with small talk?

Good question. It made me reflect some more, and my conclusion is that I don't have a problem with engaging in small talk if I had to. However, I'm just not inclined to do so. Why not is due to a complex mixture of personality traits I can't quite explain, some of which I'm not particularly proud (e.g. shyness, arrogance, empathy, insecurity, etc.).

Here are some reasons why I don't like small talk. Usually, I find I don't learn anything worthwhile about the person. I have to really work to find a conversation starter and to keep a conversation going; wit doesn't come to me on the spot. As a product of my childhood, I can't often identify with people from a pop culture standpoint. Consequently, sometimes such talks are short and uninteresting. Other times, the conversation becomes too one-sided. I end up listening without anything to contribute.

The good news is that I have been improving :)
 
  • #47
lisab said:
A while back, there was a thread about how difficult it is to start new friendships as an adult. There were many thoughtful posts there…one in particular caught my attention and got me thinking about aging in general:



https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2518422&postcount=20"

Sigh…oh my, so familiar! I’ve found this to be sadly accurate of a lot of people once they get to middle age. Routines are comforting at every age, but in middle age they can become sacrosanct and inviolable. They can be soothing, but also like heroine to our spirits, turning us into effete, automated machines that get grouchy when we're out of our safe little ruts.

I wish I was immune from this but I feel the pull too, the way a comfy bed calls you when you’re tired. To counter it, I force myself to take risks. Now I’m not talking about doing stupid things. I mean, doing the kind of things that surprise my friends and family when they hear about it (for example, belly dancing lessons, haha :blushing:).

I’m directing this thread to anyone who fights against tedium, but mostly middle aged people, since it seems that’s when it becomes harder to take risks.

So are there any PFers working to get out of the comfort zone? How?

Indeed.

I started going to college a few years ago (in my thirties), and Lord only knows how long it will take me to get through it. I'm almost 34, and I'm only a sophomore in college.

I think people that like to learn and grow don't ever change. There's nothing wrong with being content in your life though. Not everyone is a restless spirit.
 
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  • #48
Oh yeah, and as far as adventure and challenging myself goes: I recently went to Istanbul. :)
 
  • #49
shelovesmath said:
Indeed.

I started going to college a few years ago (in my thirties), and Lord only knows how long it will take me to get through it. I'm almost 34, and I'm only a sophomore in college.

I think people that like to learn and grow don't ever change. There's nothing wrong with being content in your life though. Not everyone is a restless spirit.

Ah, that's a good point. I think some people do the "aging gracefully" thing very easily. I'm probably not one of them, from what I can tell, haha.

Great that you're pursuing your goal :smile:.
 
  • #50
Tedjn said:
Good question. It made me reflect some more, and my conclusion is that I don't have a problem with engaging in small talk if I had to. However, I'm just not inclined to do so. Why not is due to a complex mixture of personality traits I can't quite explain, some of which I'm not particularly proud (e.g. shyness, arrogance, empathy, insecurity, etc.).

Here are some reasons why I don't like small talk. Usually, I find I don't learn anything worthwhile about the person. I have to really work to find a conversation starter and to keep a conversation going; wit doesn't come to me on the spot. As a product of my childhood, I can't often identify with people from a pop culture standpoint. Consequently, sometimes such talks are short and uninteresting. Other times, the conversation becomes too one-sided. I end up listening without anything to contribute.

The good news is that I have been improving :)
You're pretty much describing my reaction to small talk, as well. I am a substance oriented conversationalist and can't let the small talk go on too long. Things have to meander to something interesting relatively quickly or I'll meander away. On the other hand, with the right people, I can have fun for hours just playing around. Nothing gets discussed, there's just a general mood of amusement to which everyone contributes.
 
  • #51
zoobyshoe said:
You're pretty much describing my reaction to small talk, as well. I am a substance oriented conversationalist and can't let the small talk go on too long. Things have to meander to something interesting relatively quickly or I'll meander away. On the other hand, with the right people, I can have fun for hours just playing around. Nothing gets discussed, there's just a general mood of amusement to which everyone contributes.

I abhor small talk, and have to do it every day in my line of work. However, small talk can be used as a segue to delve deeper. I mean, what are you going to do? Meet someone, say, "Hi, nice to meet you, my name is Sally. What's your deepest passion in life?"
 
  • #52
shelovesmath said:
I abhor small talk, and have to do it every day in my line of work. However, small talk can be used as a segue to delve deeper. I mean, what are you going to do? Meet someone, say, "Hi, nice to meet you, my name is Sally. What's your deepest passion in life?"
Hi Sally. I'm Zooby. My deepest passion is doing zoobie stuff. It's what I do. It's my deepest passion.

What's your shallowest passion, Sally?
 
  • #53
zoobyshoe said:
Hi Sally. I'm Zooby. My deepest passion is doing zoobie stuff. It's what I do. It's my deepest passion.

What's your shallowest passion, Sally?

Shallow is relative.
 
  • #54
Now that I think about it, I actually like that opening line. :approve:

I'm still quite young, but already I feel the lethargy creeping in, a deep desire to hibernate in the comfort of air conditioning for a long, long time among other things. I've also never liked to travel, so say poof to a lot of excitement.

That's why I count on my friends to drag me with them, and I usually enjoy myself. Sometimes it's good and necessary to take the initiative, but if you can find close, active friends, so much the easier.
 
  • #55
shelovesmath said:
Shallow is relative.

I have shallow relatives. Many of them.
 
  • #56
Math Is Hard said:
I have shallow relatives. Many of them.

Ah, wit, how I envy you.
 
  • #57
Take my sister..

please.
 
  • #58
I think rather than asking about someone's passions, a good segue into a deeper conversation is just to ask, "So, (insert name here), what's your story?"
 
  • #59
Tedjn said:
Now that I think about it, I actually like that opening line. :approve:

I'm still quite young, but already I feel the lethargy creeping in, a deep desire to hibernate in the comfort of air conditioning for a long, long time among other things. I've also never liked to travel, so say poof to a lot of excitement.

That's why I count on my friends to drag me with them, and I usually enjoy myself. Sometimes it's good and necessary to take the initiative, but if you can find close, active friends, so much the easier.

I really think the only things that count are the ones you initiate yourself. Those are the things that most reflect your real curiosities, and which will keep you feeling alive. I'm going to guess there are a lot of things you'd actually like to do but feel you don't know how to get started.
 
  • #60
shelovesmath said:
I think rather than asking about someone's passions, a good segue into a deeper conversation is just to ask, "So, (insert name here), what's your story?"
"Just got released from the penitentary, thanks for asking. Did 30 for homicide."

(Something like this actually happened to me at the Cafe about two months ago.)