Need advice : My advisor hates me but I need his LoR

In summary, the individual is seeking advice about their graduate school application and whether or not to include their current advisor in their list of recommenders. They are unsure if their advisor will write a good letter and are afraid of the potential consequences. They are considering asking someone else for a recommendation, but are concerned about how it may look to not have their advisor included. It is suggested to trust the advisor's suggestion to ask someone else for a letter and not force the issue.
  • #1
ihatemylife
2
0
Hi all I am new here.
I need advice about my grad school application.
I need 3 LoRs and I am not sure whether I should include my current (master thesis) advisor in it.

The reason is he really hates me.
For some reasons he wants me to stay at his lab and do my PhD there instead of going somewhere else.
He used to be nice and tried to convince me to stay, but now that I've decided to go he changed completely.
When I asked him for LoR he said he will write me one, but then several days after he said that Id better ask someone else for the letter (like my bachelor thesis supervisor).
In my reply I said that I've asked my bachelor supervisor, but I still need two others (he didnt know that I need).
Then he said if that's the case he could give his recommendation for me.

But I am not sure whether he will write me a good one (at least being objective) or would just fail me so that I won't get admissions.
He also said that he doesn't want to talk about this any further so I am afraid to ask him what kind of recommendation he will give me.

I could ask for other professors to write me LoR, but since he is my advisor and I even published a paper with him at I think it might be a little strange if he is not included.

What should I do?
 
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  • #2
Use Psychology on him...? Or bribe him?
 
  • #3
If you don't trust him to write a good letter, don't force the issue. I've known people who tried to insist on receiving a letter of recommendation, and they've always regretted it in the end.
 
  • #4
I agree with TMFKAN64. If someone doesn't want to write you a letter of recommendation, forcing the issue is unlikely to get you a letter that will help you.
 
  • #5
Thanks for the replies.

I agree that if he just another reference, it would be better to ask someone else to write the letter.

But in my case, he is my advisor and I wrote my only paper with him.
Wont it be strange if I don't get his recommendation?

And as of now, he said he will write me a letter.
Just that I am not sure what kind of letter it is.
Well it won't be real bad but I am not so sure whether it will be "glowing" or not.
 
  • #6
Better for it to look strange than for it to look bad.
 
  • #7
Strangeness have an explanation, badness doesn't.
If someone ask you why you haven't presented the LoR of yours advisor you can answere in the way you answered us being as honest as possible. If you have a bad letter the expanation isn't believable...
 
  • #8
He really said he didn't want to talk about it anymore? That seems kind of strange to me, he seems like a jerk.
 
  • #9
Maybe be honest. Tell him, that you are afraid, that he might not be objective in writing letter, because you want to go somewhere else.

Atleast, that's what I probably would do. Well, i hope i would do that.
 
  • #10
ihatemylife said:
When I asked him for LoR he said he will write me one, but then several days after he said that Id better ask someone else for the letter (like my bachelor thesis supervisor).

Bad, bad idea. If someone tells you that you should ask someone else for a letter of recommendation, that means that you should get one from someone else. He's being nice to you.

But I am not sure whether he will write me a good one (at least being objective) or would just fail me so that I won't get admissions.

If someone tells you that you should get someone else to write a letter, then they are giving you a hint that it's not going to be a good one.

I could ask for other professors to write me LoR, but since he is my advisor and I even published a paper with him at I think it might be a little strange if he is not included.

1) Probably not. You are one application in pile of several hundred and so people aren't going to think much about it, and

2) better an odd feeling, than a recommendation letter that will totally sink you
 

1. How do I handle a situation where my advisor hates me but I need his letter of recommendation?

This can be a difficult and uncomfortable situation, but it is important to remain professional and handle it with tact. First, try to identify the root of the issue by having an open and honest conversation with your advisor. If the issue cannot be resolved, consider seeking support from other faculty members or the department chair. If you still need the letter of recommendation, politely remind your advisor of the importance of their support for your future opportunities.

2. Can I still get a good letter of recommendation from an advisor who dislikes me?

It may be challenging, but it is still possible to receive a good letter of recommendation from an advisor who dislikes you. Try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and highlight any accomplishments or skills that your advisor may have seen in you. You can also ask if they would be willing to provide a neutral or factual letter of recommendation.

3. Should I confront my advisor about their dislike for me?

This can be a tricky decision and may depend on your specific situation. If you feel comfortable and safe, it may be worth having a conversation with your advisor to try and address any underlying issues. However, if you do not feel comfortable or fear potential repercussions, it may be best to seek support from other faculty members or the department chair.

4. What should I do if my advisor refuses to provide a letter of recommendation?

If your advisor outright refuses to provide a letter of recommendation, it is important to remain calm and professional. Consider seeking support from other faculty members or the department chair to see if they can intervene or provide a letter of recommendation on your behalf. You can also reach out to other mentors or supervisors for letters of recommendation.

5. How can I prevent this situation from happening in the future?

The best way to prevent this situation from happening in the future is to maintain open and effective communication with your advisor from the beginning. Be proactive in seeking feedback and addressing any issues that may arise. It is also important to establish clear expectations and boundaries with your advisor to avoid any misunderstandings or conflicts.

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