Need advice : My advisor hates me but I need his LoR

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Discussion Overview

The discussion revolves around the dilemma of whether to include a current advisor in a graduate school application for letters of recommendation (LoRs), particularly when the advisor's support is uncertain due to a perceived negative relationship. Participants explore the implications of seeking a recommendation from someone who may not provide a favorable or objective assessment.

Discussion Character

  • Debate/contested
  • Conceptual clarification
  • Exploratory

Main Points Raised

  • One participant expresses concern about their advisor's change in attitude after deciding to pursue a PhD elsewhere, questioning the advisor's willingness to provide a supportive recommendation.
  • Another suggests that if trust in the advisor's ability to write a good letter is lacking, it may be better to seek recommendations from other professors.
  • Some participants argue that forcing the issue with the advisor could lead to a negative outcome, as past experiences indicate that insisting on a recommendation often results in regret.
  • There is a suggestion that it might be better to accept the strangeness of not including the advisor rather than risk receiving a poor recommendation that could harm the application.
  • One participant proposes being honest with the advisor about concerns regarding objectivity in the recommendation due to the advisor's desire for the individual to remain in their lab.
  • Another emphasizes that if the advisor has suggested seeking other references, it may indicate that they are not inclined to provide a strong letter.

Areas of Agreement / Disagreement

Participants generally agree that if there is doubt about the quality of the recommendation from the advisor, it may be prudent to seek alternatives. However, there is no consensus on the best course of action, as some feel that the advisor's role as a thesis supervisor complicates the decision.

Contextual Notes

Participants note the potential implications of not including the advisor in the recommendation process, particularly given the advisor's involvement in the individual's published work. The discussion reflects varying perspectives on the importance of maintaining professional relationships versus the necessity of securing strong recommendations.

ihatemylife
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Hi all I am new here.
I need advice about my grad school application.
I need 3 LoRs and I am not sure whether I should include my current (master thesis) advisor in it.

The reason is he really hates me.
For some reasons he wants me to stay at his lab and do my PhD there instead of going somewhere else.
He used to be nice and tried to convince me to stay, but now that I've decided to go he changed completely.
When I asked him for LoR he said he will write me one, but then several days after he said that Id better ask someone else for the letter (like my bachelor thesis supervisor).
In my reply I said that I've asked my bachelor supervisor, but I still need two others (he didnt know that I need).
Then he said if that's the case he could give his recommendation for me.

But I am not sure whether he will write me a good one (at least being objective) or would just fail me so that I won't get admissions.
He also said that he doesn't want to talk about this any further so I am afraid to ask him what kind of recommendation he will give me.

I could ask for other professors to write me LoR, but since he is my advisor and I even published a paper with him at I think it might be a little strange if he is not included.

What should I do?
 
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Use Psychology on him...? Or bribe him?
 
If you don't trust him to write a good letter, don't force the issue. I've known people who tried to insist on receiving a letter of recommendation, and they've always regretted it in the end.
 
I agree with TMFKAN64. If someone doesn't want to write you a letter of recommendation, forcing the issue is unlikely to get you a letter that will help you.
 
Thanks for the replies.

I agree that if he just another reference, it would be better to ask someone else to write the letter.

But in my case, he is my advisor and I wrote my only paper with him.
Wont it be strange if I don't get his recommendation?

And as of now, he said he will write me a letter.
Just that I am not sure what kind of letter it is.
Well it won't be real bad but I am not so sure whether it will be "glowing" or not.
 
Better for it to look strange than for it to look bad.
 
Strangeness have an explanation, badness doesn't.
If someone ask you why you haven't presented the LoR of yours advisor you can answere in the way you answered us being as honest as possible. If you have a bad letter the expanation isn't believable...
 
He really said he didn't want to talk about it anymore? That seems kind of strange to me, he seems like a jerk.
 
Maybe be honest. Tell him, that you are afraid, that he might not be objective in writing letter, because you want to go somewhere else.

Atleast, that's what I probably would do. Well, i hope i would do that.
 
  • #10
ihatemylife said:
When I asked him for LoR he said he will write me one, but then several days after he said that Id better ask someone else for the letter (like my bachelor thesis supervisor).

Bad, bad idea. If someone tells you that you should ask someone else for a letter of recommendation, that means that you should get one from someone else. He's being nice to you.

But I am not sure whether he will write me a good one (at least being objective) or would just fail me so that I won't get admissions.

If someone tells you that you should get someone else to write a letter, then they are giving you a hint that it's not going to be a good one.

I could ask for other professors to write me LoR, but since he is my advisor and I even published a paper with him at I think it might be a little strange if he is not included.

1) Probably not. You are one application in pile of several hundred and so people aren't going to think much about it, and

2) better an odd feeling, than a recommendation letter that will totally sink you
 

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