Overcome Fear of Speaking: Strategies to Start Conversations

[fireflies]

Got this problem recent days. I can't speak or communicate, or whatever you say. Like, you started a conversation and I said yes, no, good or just a reply to your talks. But really can't open up.

It's really great for me to be on my own sometimes, but now I'd really like to open up sometime and truly take part in discussions.

What is that actually? It's really not like that I'm introvert. Maybe the reason is I'm thinking I'm not acceptable? Or what?

 

[jedishrfu]

What is it you are trying to say?

 

[fireflies]

I'm trying to say that I can't communicate with people easily.

Either people don't get what I say or I'm talking too complicatedly.

 

[jedishrfu]

Then talk simply like you just did in your post. Its more energy efficient.

 

[Ryan_m_b]

Do you have an example you can give? It could be that you're not pitching to the right audience (e.g. discussing post-graduate physics with people who didn't take it beyond school).

 

[fireflies]

Its always not about making things complicated in discussion, I find it hard now-a-days to talk to people. So sometimes I just don't talk and come out (maybe it should be run out) from there. Its getting easier for me now-a-days to be on my own and leaving a conversation. But truth is I like to be with people, I love to stay with friends, but I'm losing words now-a-days. And yes, I also make things complicated.

 

[fireflies]

And if you ask about an example where I make things complicated and people don't understand, then my first post is an example. Maybe I made it too complicated to understand

 

[fireflies]

The second example is my second post. Where the first para was the answer for Jedishrfu and the second para was just a comment. But he actual problem is, maybe, I run away from conversation.

What jedishrfu said, to communicate simply like my post was a great advise. But what am I supposed to do when I just lost words and trying to come out of the conversation? I did it here too..

Its not an inborn problem, its recent.

 

[Ryan_m_b]

I'm not seeing much confusion, I've found your posts pretty clear. Perhaps it would be a good idea to speak to your doctor about this, we can't at all suggest any diagnosis but I have known people who have developed anxiety disorders. Maybe even a counsellor would help.

 

[DaveC426913]

Give us a real world example about a conversation.

 

[fireflies]

Give us a real world example about a conversation.

Okay, today I was talking with a girl in my class (I have been attending the classes for about a month), and really after talking five to ten minutes I did not know what else to say. Same thing happening with my friends. They are friends for years, but I am feeling awful while having conversation. I don't know how better can I give you an example of this.

Maybe counselling will help. Though I am not sure if it is really necessary now or I will take some more time

 

[jedishrfu]

Okay, I used to have this kind of problem. My solution was to keep up on current events, trade news, science discoveries, funny jokes etc... and then would weave them into the conversation based on the interests of the person I was talking to. It takes some time to master this.

Also, it pays to listen in conversations and to not always have something profound to say.

In high school, I had friend who was like this in the extreme,. You'd say hello, ask him a question and maybe he'd answer or say hello and then his mind drifted off and would abruptly walk away. He was one of the brightest in our school and became the valedictorian. He didn't have straight A's, he had straight 100's on every test, every quiz, and every homework assignment. He would even politely correct our Latin teacher when he got something wrong, not by pointing it out but by asking a question and then the teacher realized the mistake very elegant and very subtle that we didn't always notice.

 

[DaveC426913]

Okay, today I was talking with a girl in my class (I have been attending the classes for about a month), and really after talking five to ten minutes I did not know what else to say. Same thing happening with my friends. They are friends for years, but I am feeling awful while having conversation. I don't know how better can I give you an example of this.

Many people have this problem. From how you describe it, it sounds like mere awkwardness. Five to ten minutes is a long time to talk to someone you've only known for a short while. Sounds like you just haven't hit it off yet. That happens, you can't force it. Just say "Anyway, back to the grind. Talk to you tomorrow." or some such thing.

 

[DaveC426913]

Okay, I used to have this kind of problem. My solution was to keep up on current events, trade news, science discoveries, funny jokes etc... and then would weave them into the conversation based on the interests of the person I was talking to. It takes some time to master this

I've seen this with people who are socially awkward. Sometimes it's a bit forced and obvious. It's a balancing act.

 

[fireflies]

That's a good solution. Realistic also. Being involved more, maybe, will help in this case.

I like it. In fact, the first time I posted this thread I was not sure if I should. But its feeling better now.

 

[fireflies]

That girl was sitting next to me, the teacher was not coming, and I found it even more awkward to keep silent so I started talking, as I said earlier I am not an introvert. But after talking a while this problem started that I lost words. If you talk about talking with that girl then what you would say about the conversation with friends?

 

[jedishrfu]

Dave has a good suggestion when you run out of words, end the conversation and get back to doing something else if the girl wants to continue she'll say something that you can respond to. Its kind of like chess, you must have a good opening game, a good mid game and a good endgame which could be saying you win good game maybe we play another game sometime.

In the case of the girl, you could say ooh I forgot I have to go the library... I have to do something... talk later bye...

Some people used to use the cell phone trick to get out of a tricky conversation but you can only use that so many times.

 

[DaveC426913]

By the way, the best way of keeping a conversation going is to get them to talk about themselves.

Furthermore, it's a great way to tell if they're comfortable with you and want to continue. If you ask questions (impersonal ones like, what drew you to this class?) and the answers are consistently short, it might be an indication that they don't want to talk (then again, it might mean they are shy). If they talk at length, that's a good sign.

But, as with magic tricks, leave them wanting more. :)

 

[fireflies]

Though I don't think ending a conversation when I run out words is always good, but maybe I've got what the actual problem is.

I think the advises you people gave may help. Specially maybe, the one, where it was said to be involved with more recent things.

I hope I can overcome it. Thanks you anyways :)

 

[DaveC426913]

Though I don't think ending a conversation when I run out words is always good,

It's not really about ending the conversation when you run out of words, it's about a gentle exchange, a dipping of the toes in the water, and giving the other person room to "breathe" * in this interaction. It sets up a two-way communication.

* i.e. ("Well, that was nice. He's not a stalker - or a bore. Conversations with him are safe.")

 

[fireflies]

It should be a 'she'.

I don't know how much it will help me, but I'm going to try this suggestion next time when I run out words again. Let's see if this helps!

 

[DaveC426913]

It should be a 'she'.

As in: you are a 'she'?

It is generally easier for girls to strike up a conversation because most people are much more receptive. One of the few places where sexism works favorably.

 

[fireflies]

Yes, a 'she'

It's not how people have the attitude while talking with me, its about how my attitude is while talking with them- my family, friends, known people or classes etc. When I lost my words whatever they say or do, most of the time I try to leave. It makes me frustrated.

 

[jedishrfu]

I think your best bet is to go to see a counselor and see if they can help you with your frustration and anxiety when speaking to others.

I don't think we'll be able to help much here.

 

[fireflies]

Maybe, I think I will try a month or two to see that if I can overcome it. If it doesn't help then I should visit a counsellor

 

[Enigman]

Meanwhile this might be a bit of help-
http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/conversation

 

[Ryan_m_b]

Your university likely has a counsellor in site (many do). Might be worth booking an appointment as in my experience there can be waiting times.

 

[DaveC426913]

I think your best bet is to go to see a counselor and see if they can help you with your frustration and anxiety when speaking to others.

jedishrfu is wise. This could be more than mere social awkwardness. You could, for example, be borderline Aspie. If that's the case, there are lots of resources that could be made available to help you.

Has anyone ever mentioned to you whether you might have a touch of Asperger's?

 

[fireflies]

I am not an university student. I have just passed high school and more likely to go to an university from next year.

Well, I don't know what is Asperger. I have never heard about it.

Maybe the problem is happening since I have some problems with friends in recent days, and I had lived completely on my own for some days. Maybe that's why I am more trying to be involved with people now which is making the conversations more forceful than natural.

 

[fireflies]

I think the discussion can be put to an end now as I might have got what is causing the problem, and I think I can overcome it. Yes, if I can't, I have the option to visit a counsellor then. It was nice to get advises from you all. Specially I needed to know what other people think about it. And I like the idea to get more involved in recent events, science, fun etc that jedishrfu advised. At least it will make me stop worrying about the people and, maybe, will help me to gt some more things to share with others.

I must say thanks, as I really found it helpful to get suggestion from you all. (Still if you want to suggest one or two more things I can apply I will appreciate that) :)