'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide

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Evo

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An oldie but goodie.

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent knows as Mus musculus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, persuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.

My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule aged chauffer so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity that patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - quiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage.

He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.

His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then raising one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletide to the plenary constituency, and to that selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn
 
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After reading this twice I still don't know what the heck is going on here. I suspect they are dissecting someone. The vocab is so rich, I applaud their educational system.
 

Astronuc

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One improvement might be to elaborate on the 'smoke passage' to indicate that it is a 'vertically oriented duct for the purposes of transporting, by virtue of a convective process, the gas-borne particulate matter resulting for the combustion of dried cellulose of deceased deciduous plants.'
 

Evo

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One improvement might be to elaborate on the 'smoke passage' to indicate that it is a 'vertically oriented duct for the purposes of transporting, by virtue of a convective process, the gas-borne particulate matter resulting for the combustion of dried cellulose of deceased deciduous plants.'
:rofl: That would be better!
 

dst

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Is that one of Santa's patent applications?
 

Astronuc

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OK this is really important. Historically, Santa has cleared his flight certification for his Christmas flight -
FAA CLEARS SANTA FOR ANNUAL FLIGHT
Date: Sunday, 25 December 2005 @ 06:23:24 EST
Topic: News

WASHINGTON-The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has cleared Santa Claus for his annual Christmas flight after certifying his fire-engine red sleigh. Registered in the North Pole as NP-HoHoHo, the sleigh is an all-metal sleigh-craft powered by nine reindeer. In a bid for safer landings at tropical destinations, Santa added retractable landing gear to the aerodynamic twin runners that are his normal landing gear.

Earlier this month, FAA's Office of Commercial Space Transportation approved the launch of 15 special cargo satellites, which are now in geosynchronous orbit around the world. The satellites are a response to the 1990s baby boom and are supplied with enough presents to periodically replenish Santa's sleigh.

In a formal presentation, FAA Administrator Jane Garvey commended Santa, aka St. Nicholas, for his dedication to safety and noted his accident-free record after 16 centuries of service. "Your work is a model for aging aircraft programs," she told the world's best known philanthropist. "And your commitment to safety is second to none. Your vast experience in safely operating over-the-pole flights is setting the standard for aviation worldwide."

After careful analysis, inspectors declared safe the special oat and corn meal mixture, which enables reindeer to fly. Santa reminded them the information was proprietary. He was issued a fuel waiver as Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen and Rudolph looked on.

FAA also inspected the cargo loading and pallets aboard the sleigh and pronounced the elves consummate professionals in being able to pack so much into such a small space, secure it, and still maintain the proper weight and balance for the sleigh-craft. However, they were seen walking away muttering something about it being magic.

The FAA also cleared the sleigh for all-weather operations when it certified special flight equipment designed to ensure the completion of the flight regardless of weather. Rudolph, with his nose so bright, is now set to guide Santa's sleigh that night. The sleigh is also equipped with an in-flight deicing system specially designed for polar routes.

The flight, known to air traffic controllers as Kringle One, requires special international clearances. The FAA has coordinated its efforts with its international counterparts around the world. Dubbed the Santa Pact, the international agreement grants automatic landing rights and waives fees worldwide. In addition, a Notice to Airmen (NOTAM) will be issued December 24 to ensure maximum see-and-avoid efforts. The flight plan calls for the flight to begin the evening of December 24 and proceed westward in order to take advantage of time zones and to maintain the cover of darkness. The FAA was pleased to discover the sleigh already met regulations requiring the Terrain Avoidance Warning System (TAWS), addressing the top priority on the agency's safety agenda - the elimination of controlled flight into terrain. The TAWS equipment is especially important for the flight level below the regulated 1,000-foot minimum altitude required for Santa's flight. Avionics include a Traffic Alert and Collision Avoidance System (TCAS) transponder, not currently required for cargo sleigh-craft. Also on board is a Global Positioning System (GPS) receiver allowing Santa to pinpoint his exact landing site within one meter. Santa expects this to eliminate delivery mistakes.

All seat belts were tested including the special seat belt extension needed to accommodate the Jolly Old Elf. "It's all those cookies," he sheepishly told inspectors. Santa's flight manual calls for the use of seat belts at all times to avoid turbulence-related injuries.

"The entire agency stands ready with its international partners to make sure Santa's flight is as safe and efficient as possible," said Garvey.
However, the EPA has become aware that it has never had Santa file an EIS, including greenhouse gas emissions. Of particular concern is the greenhouse gas emissions of 8 flying reindeer, particular CO2 and CH4 based on their special winter feed formula. The other concern is solid waste disposition.
 

Moonbear

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OK this is really important. Historically, Santa has cleared his flight certification for his Christmas flight -
Of course, in true goverment fashion, they cleared him at 6 AM on Dec. 25, well after he needed to have the last of the presents delivered, and when little sleepyheads would just be rising to find out what's under the tree. :biggrin:
 

mgb_phys

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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the
pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed
Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his
seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a rifle.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of
time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose
an engine on takeoff."
 

Moonbear

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The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of
time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose
an engine on takeoff."
:rofl: :cry: Noooooo!!!!
 
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"but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Para 1a of the section C Emergencies from Santa's Operation Manual /1, APPENDIX 1 (checklist):

REINDEER FAILURE ON TAKE OFF (after V1)

1 - Maintain positive sled control
2 - Whips good engines: DOUBLE CRACK
3 - Presents and Goodies: JETTISON

//////////////////////WARNING\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
||
|| delay of steps 1-3 may result in casualties
||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\WARNING//////////////////////////
4 - Whip failed engine: OFF
5 - Pitch trim: ADJUST
6 - Transponder Mode 3/A: SELECT 7700
7 - Climb to minimum safety altitude
8 - Wounds failed engine: APPLY FIRST AID

NOTE: Refer to Operation Manual /1C Section MB 01 to 65 for details on step 8.

Land as soon as possible
After the ride the examiner considered to give a failing grade because Santa had omitted step 3 which would have brought the trust to weight ratio below safety margins. However Santa showed that the checklist was not up to date. After modification BPF -33 implementing the extra power fuel RD1C, enough trust would remain available under normal conditions and the new change 125/-88 to the checklist was issued, dated 23 December 984 AD, in which step 3 was changed to read as follows:

3 - Presents and Goodies: JETTISON (if required)
NOTE: refer to Operation Manual /1F Section WTP for weight and balances
Santa just had had no time yet to update the checklist.
 
Last edited:

Ben Niehoff

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I think "cerebrums" ought to be "cerebra". Oh hell, why not do the whole thing in Latin?
 

Evo

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Astronuc

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Biker version

:cool: - Twas the night before Christmas....for bikers
'Twas the night before Christmas, And not until Spring

Would a motor be running, not even a Wing.

The bikes are all sleeping, they're covered and warm, Batteries

are tended, nylon covers their form.

My Bros were all nestled down snug in their beds,

While visions of new chrome danced in their heads.

And I in my do-rag, bike jacket and boots

Out shoveling snow, and dreaming of scoots.

Then from the horizon there came such a clatter

My shovel I dropped, what could be the matter?

Away up the hill, I slogged through the snow

Looked up at the sky; where'd all that noise go?

Then a throb from the heavens, like straight pipes so hearty

Gave Summers' good thoughts, a loud bikers' party.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear

But a Hog Ultra Classic, Red trailer in rear!

With a little old rider, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than a V-Rod his Ultra came on,

And he whistled, and shouted, and sang out this song;

"Now, Springer! Now, Dyna! On Ultra and Softail!

Now Panhead! Now Injun! On Vict'ry and Triumph!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now RIDE away! RIDE away! RIDE away all!"

As small bikes that from the semis do fly,

When they meet with the air blast, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top that Ultra it flew

With a trailer of goodies, and ole' St. Nick too

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The rumble and thunder of pipes that gave proof.

I ran in the house, boots thumping around,

And in came St. Nick all bearded and round

Dressed all in black leather, from do-rag to boot

His chaps were all tarnished with road grime and soot;

A T-bag of goodies he'd flung on his back

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack

His shades -- how they twinkled! his do-rag how scary!

With chains intertwined, through skulls that were cherry!

His droll little mouth had done many a row,

So the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

The smoke had a strange smell; it gave him relief.

He had a broad face and a large fat beer belly

That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly

He was tattooed and plump, a right jolly old rider,

So I offered a cold brew, thought what could be righter?

A wink of his eye as he downed that cold beer,

Gave me to know I had nothing to fear

He spoke not a word, but went straight to my ride

And fixed it with Chrome, Horsepower and Pride

And giving the peace sign with bikers' good cheer

Strode off to his Ultra rumbling near

He sprang on the saddle, his gloves on the bars

A wheelie he threw; then off towards the stars

I heard him exclaim, as my chest swelled with pride

"Merry CHRISTMAS TO

ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD RIDE
http://www.bikerkiss.com/blog/windjunkie_/twas_the_night_before_christmas_____for_bikers_86720.html#0
 

Astronuc

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Oooh, can you do it in Latin? :!!)
Well - not quite - but getting closer. Maybe ben can finish it off. :biggrin:

Twas the night before

> Era la notte prima Christmas and all through the domus,
> Not a creature was stirring, not even a mus.
> Liberi were tucked away in their lecta,
> Some in their pallia and some in tunica.
> While mater worked late in her little culina
> Pater was down at the corner taberna.
> The stockings were hung magna cum cura
> In hope that St. Nicholas would feel obligatus
> To bring all the children, bonique malique,
> A nice batch of dulcia and other nice nugae.

> Then out in the yard there arose such tumultus
> That I jumped to my feet like a frightened legatus.
> I ran to the window and looked extra, foris
> And who in the world do you think quis erat?
> St. Nicholas in a sleigh and a big red petasus
> Came dashing along like a crazy pirata.
> And pulling his sleigh instead of renones
> Were eight cute asini flying like aves.

> I watched as they came and this quaint little senis
> Shouted and whistled and called nominatim:
> "Come Cursor, Come Sultator, Exsultor Vulpesque
> On Cometes, Cupido, Tonitrus Fulmenque!"
> Then standing erect with hand on stomachum
> He flew to the top of our very own tectum.
> His round little belly shook like a bowl of gelatum
> As he stuggled to squeeze down our old compluvium
> Then huffing and puffing at last in our atrium
> With soot smeared all over his bright red toga
> He filled all the stockings with lovely ornata
> For none of the liberi had been very pessimi.
> Then chuckling out loud, seeming very contentus, >
> He turned like a flash and was gone like the ventus.
> And I heard him exclaim as he drove through the caelum
> "Felix Natalis Christi to all and to all Bona Nox!"
The work of: > Dr. Thomas J. Sienkewicz > Minnie Billings Capron Professor of Classics > Department of Classics > Monmouth College > 700 East Broadway > 700 East Broadway > Monmouth, Illinois 61462 > Office: 309-457-2371 > Home: 309-734-3543 > FAX: 630-839-0664 > http://department.monm.edu/classics
 

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