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'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide

  1. Dec 9, 2007 #1

    Evo

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    An oldie but goodie.

    'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent knows as Mus musculus.

    Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, persuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

    The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.

    My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule aged chauffer so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity that patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - quiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

    As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage.

    He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

    His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.

    His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

    He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then raising one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

    He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletide to the plenary constituency, and to that selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Dec 9, 2007 #2
    After reading this twice I still don't know what the heck is going on here. I suspect they are dissecting someone. The vocab is so rich, I applaud their educational system.
     
  4. Dec 9, 2007 #3

    Astronuc

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    One improvement might be to elaborate on the 'smoke passage' to indicate that it is a 'vertically oriented duct for the purposes of transporting, by virtue of a convective process, the gas-borne particulate matter resulting for the combustion of dried cellulose of deceased deciduous plants.'
     
  5. Dec 9, 2007 #4

    Evo

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    :rofl: That would be better!
     
  6. Dec 9, 2007 #5

    dst

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    Is that one of Santa's patent applications?
     
  7. Dec 9, 2007 #6

    Astronuc

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    OK this is really important. Historically, Santa has cleared his flight certification for his Christmas flight -
    However, the EPA has become aware that it has never had Santa file an EIS, including greenhouse gas emissions. Of particular concern is the greenhouse gas emissions of 8 flying reindeer, particular CO2 and CH4 based on their special winter feed formula. The other concern is solid waste disposition.
     
  8. Dec 9, 2007 #7

    Moonbear

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    Of course, in true goverment fashion, they cleared him at 6 AM on Dec. 25, well after he needed to have the last of the presents delivered, and when little sleepyheads would just be rising to find out what's under the tree. :biggrin:
     
  9. Dec 9, 2007 #8

    mgb_phys

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    Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
    Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the
    pre-Christmas flight check.

    In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
    reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.

    The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
    harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed
    Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

    Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his
    seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a rifle.

    "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

    The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of
    time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose
    an engine on takeoff."
     
  10. Dec 9, 2007 #9

    Moonbear

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    :rofl: :cry: Noooooo!!!!
     
  11. Dec 10, 2007 #10

    Para 1a of the section C Emergencies from Santa's Operation Manual /1, APPENDIX 1 (checklist):

    After the ride the examiner considered to give a failing grade because Santa had omitted step 3 which would have brought the trust to weight ratio below safety margins. However Santa showed that the checklist was not up to date. After modification BPF -33 implementing the extra power fuel RD1C, enough trust would remain available under normal conditions and the new change 125/-88 to the checklist was issued, dated 23 December 984 AD, in which step 3 was changed to read as follows:

    Santa just had had no time yet to update the checklist.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2007
  12. Dec 10, 2007 #11

    robphy

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  13. Dec 10, 2007 #12

    Ben Niehoff

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    I think "cerebrums" ought to be "cerebra". Oh hell, why not do the whole thing in Latin?
     
  14. Dec 10, 2007 #13

    Evo

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    Oooh, can you do it in Latin? :!!)
     
  15. Dec 10, 2007 #14

    Astronuc

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    Biker version

    :cool: - Twas the night before Christmas....for bikers
    http://www.bikerkiss.com/blog/windj..._before_christmas_____for_bikers_86720.html#0
     
  16. Dec 10, 2007 #15

    Astronuc

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    Well - not quite - but getting closer. Maybe ben can finish it off. :biggrin:

    Twas the night before

    The work of: > Dr. Thomas J. Sienkewicz > Minnie Billings Capron Professor of Classics > Department of Classics > Monmouth College > 700 East Broadway > 700 East Broadway > Monmouth, Illinois 61462 > Office: 309-457-2371 > Home: 309-734-3543 > FAX: 630-839-0664 > http://department.monm.edu/classics
     
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