What Makes the Tiki Bar the Favorite Lounge for Members?

[Adrian Baker]

Hey now, did we agree that the drinking age here is 17? i would fancy a pina colada... mmmm! (martini's just aren't my style... erm... not that I've ever had... eh...)

Gail, haven't you been 17 for about 3 years now?

Can we see some ID please before you start drinking in here!

 

[brewnog]

Gail, haven't you been 17 for about 3 years now?

Can we see some ID please before you start drinking in here!

Give the girl a break! This is the UK! Landlords might say they don't appreciate underage drinking in their establishments, but what they mean is "would you like a double, love?"

 

[Gale]

Gail, haven't you been 17 for about 3 years now?

Can we see some ID please before you start drinking in here!

you know, its clever that you noticed how long I've been 17... and yet still managed to spell my name wrong...

nice line of thought there brewndog...

 

[brewnog]

nice line of thought there brewndog...

Cheers chuck. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes.

Would you like a double, love?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Interesting point since this is determined by each state, and PF is international... BTW, green apple martinis aren't like regular martinis, so I think you'd like 'em.

So I go to the airport to collect my mail order husband, but never found him.

Yes green apple martinis taste like jolly ranchers.

So what are we going to do about getting that harem of yours up and running if the mail order catalogues are flakes?

 

[SOS2008]

Chickens! Turkeys! Ducks! Geese! Ahh dear, I only need a poultry excuse to make some puns! [/size]

Exactly! And sheep, beavers, turtles, monkeys...
Thanks brewnog :!) <-- In a plutonic way of course!

Anyway, are there any real rules for this, urm, bar?

I'd like a manly back-rub from Danger, a manicure from Moonbear, and Gale can hook me up with some honey-roast cashew nuts. Where, geographically, is this place anyway? Is proper beer available? I've only got limited supplies.

I can't vouch for services rendered by other members, but the bar is now located here in General Discussion, and we have a great selection of lager, ale, and...well maybe you could help with the ordering, hum?

 

[Danger]

well maybe you could help with the ordering, hum?

We simply must have some Guinness on tap. The stuff tastes like it's been filtered through a moose, but it looks fantastic.

 

[SOS2008]

Yes green apple martinis taste like jolly ranchers.

And some of us get a little too jolly when we drink too many of 'em.

So what are we going to do about getting that harem of yours up and running if the mail order catalogues are flakes?

Well I suppose I should follow my own advice that quality can be better than quantity. My shift at the Tiki Bar ends at 11:00.

We simply must have some Guinness on tap. The stuff tastes like it's been filtered through a moose, but it looks fantastic.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Guinness is a definite must. That and Saphire, decent tonic, and limes. And there must be some Sinatra/Rat Pack on the Juke Box!

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

My shift at the Tiki Bar ends at 11:00.

Can I buy you an apple martini?

 

[Gale]

we have to have kareoke night still! see who can resist from getting up on the bar and dancing.

 

[SOS2008]

Guinness is a definite must. That and Saphire, decent tonic, and limes. And there must be some Sinatra/Rat Pack on the Juke Box!

Oh a Juke Box--that would be great by the pool table and dart game!

Can I buy you an apple martini?

And you look so sweet... Okay!

we have to have kareoke night still! see who can resist from getting up on the bar and dancing.

Yes, and karaoke--I want to hear the rhinoceros song!

You all have such great ideas!

Comment Box: Now when I email clients from work, I start to click on a smilie, and sadly realize there aren't any.

 

[Moonbear]

Guinness is a definite must. That and Saphire, decent tonic, and limes. And there must be some Sinatra/Rat Pack on the Juke Box!

Agreed! We should get a nice assortment of IPAs and ESBs too.

 

[Astronuc]

I'll be simply relaxing on the veranda and enjoying the view.
http://img66.echo.cx/img66/5247/bxp58928beachview8fk.jpg
Nice place you got here, SOS! How did I miss it until now?

Guinness in a 2 liter mug, please.

 

[Moonbear]

we have to have kareoke night still! see who can resist from getting up on the bar and dancing.

We'll send Huck up first...he does karaoke sober, so he can warm up the event while the rest of us wet our vocal cords.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

And you look so sweet... Okay!

I am a complete gentleman.. or at least as much a one as a lady wants me to be. Gentleman is always the default though.

 

[Evo]

Do we all have web cams? We can all decide to meet at a certain time online and all videocoference together. We could all talk and see what we look like while we're talking.

What do you say?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

That would be interesting. Unfortunately I don't have a webcam. Currently I don't even have net access at home.

 

[SOS2008]

Nice place you got here, SOS! How did I miss it until now? Guinness in a 2 liter mug, please.

Thanks--And we just stocked up on Guinness--perfect timing!

We'll send Huck up first...he does karaoke sober, so he can warm up the event while the rest of us wet our vocal cords.

Yeh, I think he's just not too crazy about dancing (without something to hang on to).

I am a complete gentleman.. or at least as much a one as a lady wants me to be. Gentleman is always the default though.

Okay, I'll go first with karaoke. (Sung to the melody of Uptown Girl by Billy Joel)

Virtual girl
She's been living in her unreal world
I bet she never had an e-love guy
I bet her moderator never told her why

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Virtual girl
She's been living in her unreal world
I bet she never had an e-love guy
I bet her moderator never told her why

I get no kick from champagne
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all
So tell me why should it be true?
That I get a
Kick! Out of you

Ok this is just getting cheesy lol.

 

[SOS2008]

Do we all have web cams? We can all decide to meet at a certain time online and all videocoference together. We could all talk and see what we look like while we're talking.

What do you say?

There is a service that provides a call-in number for conference calls fairly cheap (but just audio), and there are video conference centers everywhere, but don't know what the cost is for this these days.

I get no kick from champagne
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all
So tell me why should it be true?
That I get a
Kick! Out of you

Ok this is just getting cheesy lol.

Pretty good.

 

[2CentsWorth]

*Walks into the Tiki Bar and looks around*

Wow this place is looking great! And thank goodness that one member isn't in here right now. Ah...I can relax and enjoy my drink without being annoyed... little creep.

*Pulls out a stool and sits at the bar*

Oh cool, the comment box has monitors with news from all around the world and a kiosk that members can use to blog! Still, I'll want to go into the actual politics section and post.

*Looks around some more*

Yea, no strobe lights--hate those things. Oooooh, a hula dancer. What an interesting tatoo...I'll have to get a closer look...

Bartender, what are you have on draft?

 

[Evo]

There is a service that provides a call-in number for conference calls fairly cheap (but just audio), and there are video conference centers everywhere, but don't know what the cost is for this these days.
Pretty good.

There are free servers for video conferencing, it's very popular, I used to be somewhat addicted to it, years ago. I met some of my best friend's that way. That's how I met my best friend in Italy. I logged on when I woke up and the first person I saw was this incredible guy surrounded by a golden glow (turned out to be a reflection off the wall behind him, at the time he looked like an angel), I fell out of my chair, then snapped off my video before he saw me, ran upstairs, applied make up and brushed my hair, ran back downstairs and... he was still there. Then he saw me..."why yes, I ALWAYS look like this when I first wake up" (ok, I lied)

 

[SOS2008]

There are free servers for video conferencing, it's very popular, I used to be somewhat addicted to it, years ago.

Do you think there is a way we could do it?

I logged on when I woke up and the first person I saw was this incredible guy surrounded by a golden glow (turned out to be a reflection off the wall behind him, at the time he looked like an angel), I fell out of my chair, then snapped off my video before he saw me, ran upstairs, applied make up and brushed my hair, ran back downstairs and... he was still there. Then he saw me..."why yes, I ALWAYS look like this when I first wake up" (ok, I lied)

A customer just ordered a drink...I'll have to get back with you latter.

 

[Moonbear]

I don't have a webcam.

I think we need to get Ivan to cook up some of his nachos to pass around here.

 

[SOS2008]

I don't have a webcam.

I think we need to get Ivan to cook up some of his nachos to pass around here.

Hmm...good you say? I have a recipe for salsa that is addictive.

Oh what a day it's been! I think I'll have a Moonbear Madness.

Comment Box: I wonder what percent of the Republican party are white Christians...

 

[Arctic Fox]

It's been a horribly hot day. I stroll up to the door, turn back to take a look around, then open it and walk in. It's a quaint little out-of-the-way place. Dark, musky several people in their own conversations, a few of them look up to see who came in, but most don't even notice me. I make my way around and up to the bar, "I'd like a Vodka, straight up," I tell the barkeep.

There's a cute, young red-head sitting a few seats from me; she couldn't be more than seventeen years old. I wonder if she's thinking I'm too old to be in here, while I wonder if she's too young. "Ha, 97 years is not too old", I think to myself, denying the grey hair, wrinkled skin - I can still drink any of these kids under the table. ;)

The smell of Cuban cigars fills the air, a familiar scent, one that sets my senses on edge. I remember the last time I had a cigar, and that was not a day I wanted to think about. The thought brought on chills. I cautiously glanced around the room to see who was smoking it, wondering 'stranger or foe'. I knew well enough that in a little place like this where I was the stranger, there would be no 'friends'.

As I tried looking at each of the faces, something caught my eye; another stare from the other side of the bar. I was being watched, but by whom? It was dark in there and my eyes were still trying to adjust from the blinding sunlight outside. I looked down and rubbed my eyes to try and get them into focus, then looked up again. That's when I saw who it was, and I knew then that this was going to be another one of those days...

 

[Moonbear]

As I tried looking at each of the faces, something caught my eye; another stare from the other side of the bar. I was being watched, but by whom? It was dark in there and my eyes were still trying to adjust from the blinding sunlight outside. I looked down and rubbed my eyes to try and get them into focus, then looked up again. That's when I saw who it was, and I knew then that this was going to be another one of those days...

*waves* Hey, Arctic Fox, is that you? C'mon over and sit! Oh, just give me a second to get a Moonbear Madness for SOS. You want one? Oh, I see you already have a drink.

*runs off, makes SOS a Moonbear Madness, makes one for self, then returns to Arctic Fox*

C'mon hon, this is just the front room. We have a back room for the regulars. *tilts empty beer bottle sitting on shelf and the large picture of Dogs Playing Poker slides to the side, exposing a doorway* Right through here hon. *Walks through the door to the brightly lit room with windows open to a view of the balcony over the beach* The pool table is over there, and watch for the dart players over that way. *Sees SOS behind the large, shiny bar* SOS, I have your Moonbear Madness for you.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

This is my first time here. Where's the bathroom?

 

[SOS2008]

Ah...I can relax and enjoy my drink without being annoyed... little creep.

If you know how graduation parties go, I don't think you'll see him around here for at least a couple of days.

...There's a cute, young red-head sitting a few seats from me; she couldn't be more than seventeen years old. I wonder if she's thinking I'm too old to be in here, while I wonder if she's too young. "Ha, 97 years is not too old", I think to myself, denying the grey hair, wrinkled skin - I can still drink any of these kids under the table. ;)

Sometimes Moonbear looks like a red-head, and has been mistaken for a seventeen year old, but I assure you she's 'sperienced.

The smell of Cuban cigars fills the air, a familiar scent, one that sets my senses on edge. I remember the last time I had a cigar, and that was not a day I wanted to think about. The thought brought on chills...

Now, now, I know the whole thing with Monica was hard, but you've got to try and put that behind ya.

*waves* Hey, Arctic Fox, is that you? C'mon over and sit! Oh, just give me a second to get a Moonbear Madness for SOS. You want one? Oh, I see you already have a drink.

*runs off, makes SOS a Moonbear Madness, makes one for self, then returns to Arctic Fox*

C'mon hon, this is just the front room. We have a back room for the regulars. *tilts empty beer bottle sitting on shelf and the large picture of Dogs Playing Poker slides to the side, exposing a doorway* Right through here hon. *Walks through the door to the brightly lit room with windows open to a view of the balcony over the beach* The pool table is over there, and watch for the dart players over that way. *Sees SOS behind the large, shiny bar* SOS, I have your Moonbear Madness for you.

Since this bar is in international waters, I suppose there's no harm in drinking while working my shift. *sips the Moonbear Madness* That hits the spot. You sure know how to make a drink, thanks! Who's the gentleman with you?

*takes a glance about the room. Someone nearly hits a pool player with a dart.* (Make note to self: Move dart board outside.) *walking to the veranda. Oh how I love the sunset. What are those people doing? Are they building sand castles? Oh good lord, are they trying to bury a purple jellyfish, or...Who are they? It's so hard to see at dusk. Or maybe it's just this drink--kicks butt!*

 

[JamesU]

This is my first time here. Where's the bathroom?

there are plenty of empty bottles and A nice corner to use them in. the bathroom/hole outside is still under repair after danger last used it

 

[Moonbear]

This is my first time here. Where's the bathroom?

Well, see where the dartboard is over there? Just walk right past it and you'll be there. Yeah, SOS, we really should move that dartboard.

 

[Moonbear]

Sometimes Moonbear looks like a red-head, and has been mistaken for a seventeen year old, but I assure you she's 'sperienced.

Well, yeah, but not too experienced. I don't want to get a bad reputation......oh, heck, who am I kidding, I think I already have the reputation.

Who's the gentleman with you?

Oh, SOS, this is Arctic Fox; I always forget to make proper introductions. But, word has it he's not too much of a gentleman.

Oh good lord, are they trying to bury a purple jellyfish, or...Who are they? It's so hard to see at dusk. *

*squints out the window* Hey, how's the water down there?!

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Darts hitting the felt is a bad idea for sure. Oh and hitting the players is bad too.
I wish the tiki bar where here right now. I'm having a tough time figuring out where to go right now.

 

[SOS2008]

Darts hitting the felt is a bad idea for sure. Oh and hitting the players is bad too.

I wish the tiki bar where here right now. I'm having a tough time figuring out where to go right now.

Yeh, I was thinking of having a coffee area during the off times, which would go well with the comment box kiosk and blogs. But for you, we'll open the bar. Might I suggest a Moonbear Madness?

Comment Box: My hips are starting to feel better now. Mail-order husband, pfft. Hey, I haven't seen cronxeh lately--maybe it was him at the airport, but he saw me and didn't like me!

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

but he saw me and didn't like me!

That's hard to believe.

 

[2CentsWorth]

Sometimes Moonbear looks like a red-head, and has been mistaken for a seventeen year old, but I assure you she's 'sperienced.

*Decides to stop in at the Tiki Bar. Hmm, I wonder if that 17-year old red-head is in here. Looks around, but can't see any red-heads. Just a few people...one guy who's talking with the bartender. She's attractive, but walks a little funny. And another guy with silver hair smoking a cigar by the veranda.*

"Hey...I know this is a Tiki Bar, but do you have any hookahs?"

*Looks like the dart board has been moved outside...thankfully away from the mens room. I hope no one recognized me on the beach last night--little voyeurs!*

"I've been hearing about your specialty drink...Moonbeast or something -- I'll try one of those, please."

 

[Gale]

you know, i had a rough day... I'm stopping in at the international tiki bar... the apparently only place a 17.6 year old can legally drink. which is perfect because i happen to be 17.71 years old. so then, i'll take a moonie madness or a green apple martini whatever you got!

hmm... now i'll take my drink and go look inconspicuous cause it seems like there are some fellas on the prowl for 17 yr olds... i'll go hide in the corner and hope they stay busy with moonbear... er... not that I'm perpetuating any rumors or anything... i just hear she's lots of fun...

right... moving on...

hmm... darts eh? I'm not very good, and I'm probably worse when i have this... whatever drink I'm drinking... but i'll give it a go...
...
...

And now i know why they moved the darts outside... hmm...

maybe i should go build sand castles with the other little kids now...

 

[Arctic Fox]

*waves* Hey, Arctic Fox, is that you? C'mon over and sit! Oh, just give me a second to get a Moonbear Madness for SOS. You want one? Oh, I see you already have a drink.

"Well hello there Beautiful! Haven't heard from you in quite a while."

Oh, SOS, this is Arctic Fox; I always forget to make proper introductions. But, word has it he's not too much of a gentleman.

"Hey now," I said in a tone, giving MoonBear the 'evil eye'. "I can be gentle." She looks over at me as I turn my poker-face into a smile with a seductive wink...

I turn back toward this new stranger, "How you doin', SOS? Nice to meet you. Can we order you something from the bar?"

 

[whozum]

you know, i had a rough day... I'm stopping in at the international tiki bar... the apparently only place a 17.6 year old can legally drink. which is perfect because i happen to be 17.71 years old. so then, i'll take a moonie madness or a green apple martini whatever you got!

hmm... now i'll take my drink and go look inconspicuous cause it seems like there are some fellas on the prowl for 17 yr olds... i'll go hide in the corner and hope they stay busy with moonbear... er... not that I'm perpetuating any rumors or anything... i just hear she's lots of fun...

right... moving on...

hmm... darts eh? I'm not very good, and I'm probably worse when i have this... whatever drink I'm drinking... but i'll give it a go...
...
...

And now i know why they moved the darts outside... hmm...

maybe i should go build sand castles with the other little kids now...

You sound deranged.

 

[Arctic Fox]

you know, i had a rough day... I'm stopping in at the international tiki bar...

"Gale, is that you in the corner? Why don't you come on over and relax with the rest of us!" :) "Moonbear, Gale. Gale, Moonbear. Do you two know each other?"

 

[brewnog]

Barmaid, get Danger a shot of Guinness. Make that a double. And pour yomamma half an orange juice. Since I'm the boss, there's some changes to be made around here.


- The only beer to be served here is proper beer. No pissy, fizzy, gassy, cold ants' piss. Except Carling, for special celebrations. Fosters, Budweiser, Coors and anything brewed in the US are forbidden.

- Guinness may only be served in shots, the pouring of which should take about quarter of an hour. Brits, including honourary Brits, may be served a whole pint at the manager's discretion.

- The gents' toilets are to be kept free from such luxuries as toilet seats, paper towels, soap, hot water, mirrors, and any source of artificial light whatsoever.

- Drinks such as Malibu, Advocaat, and Baileys are not to be sold to male customers. However, it's quite alright for men to drink them as long as someone else is buying. Gin & Tonic may be consumed by anyone with breasts or a beard. (The management realizes that many customers fulfill both of these criteria, but we have to be fair...)

- The 'saloon' style swinging doors are to be immediately replaced by something heavy and made of oak, which can be secured in the unlikely event of a 'lock-in'.

- The jukebox inventory is to be strictly monitored, but at any given time must include at least two albums of each by The Who, Pink Floyd, The Smiths, Bob Dylan, Jeff Buckley and B*witched. Every customer in the establishment is granted one vito per visit. Vitoes are non-transferrable. The jukebox volume is to be maintained such that conversation can take place at normal volumes, but that 'those four notes' in Shine On, You Crazy Diamond can be appreciated by all.

- The bar shall, at all times, keep a supply of Coca Cola in the fridge. This will be made available free of charge to all would-be pissheads who are designated drivers.

- The decor is to be kept free of trite tat such as pitchforks, porcelain, and wallpaper. Instead, stolen roadsigns, old rifles, hunting tropies, number plates, and any music memorabilia are to be encouraged.

- Two barstools are to be kept reserved at all times, for Danger, Ivan, Astronuc, Fred, and myself. I'll let you figure out how to fit four men on a barstool simultaneously.

- Thursday night is Tequila night.

Any questions?

 

[Gale]

- The jukebox inventory is to be strictly monitored, but at any given time must include at least two albums of each by The Who, Pink Floyd, The Smiths, Bob Dylan, Jeff Buckley and B*witched.

B*witched?! that crummy little pop band? you have them on the same list as the Who and Pink Floyd? aye!

i need another shot of... whatever I'm allowed to drink now...

[edit] OH OH! It's tequilla night! time to let the mexican in me shine! wahoo!

 

[brewnog]

B*witched?! that crummy little pop band? you have them on the same list as the Who and Pink Floyd? aye!

Yeah, there are times when such measures are required, usually at about 3am when it's time to do some karaoke.

OH OH! It's tequilla night! time to let the mexican in me shine! wahoo!

Woo woo! Bring some nachos Galey, and tell Moonbrrr to put chicken AND mince in my enchilladas.

 

[Arctic Fox]

*Glances over at brewnog*

"It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays", I mumble to myself, smiling at the memory of the Hitchhiker's movie...

 

[brewnog]

*Glances over at brewnog*

"It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays", I mumble to myself, smiling at the memory of the Hitchhiker's movie...

Which reminds me, I completely forgot to come up with any legislation regarding bar snacks, peanuts in particular! Tomorrow...

 

[Evo]

Bartender! Give me a tequila Moonbeast, double umbrellas.

We need hot nuts. Cashews are the best.

(mince on enchiladas? what the heck is mince?)

 

[Gale]

Bartender! Give me a tequila Moonbeast, double umbrellas.

We need hot nuts. Cashews are the best.

(mince on enchiladas? what the heck is mince?)

i have no idea what mince is either... but i don't think i trust brewndog's tastes anymore... B*witched!... i mean.. HONESTLY... he's a grown man! B*witched!

personally, if i was going to pick a crummy british group, (actually b*witched is like irish or something if forget...and now that i think, I'm only psuedo sure that these guys are british... ) I'd pick the Spice Girls... much better for kareoke!

 

[Astronuc]

- The only beer to be served here is proper beer. No pissy, fizzy, gassy, cold ants' piss. Except Carling, for special celebrations. Fosters, Budweiser, Coors and anything brewed in the US are forbidden.

Good taste. I think we may need to consider exemptions for microbreweries from the US, e.g. Ommegang (http://www.ommegang.com/ - watch out for the Belgian Beer Festival, July 16, 2005). Certainly the biggies like Anheuser-Busch, Miller and Coors must be excluded.

- Guinness may only be served in shots, the pouring of which should take about quarter of an hour. Brits, including honourary Brits, may be served a whole pint at the manager's discretion.

Shots? Nothing less than pints - but a liter is better.

- The gents' toilets are to be kept free from such luxuries as toilet seats, paper towels, soap, hot water, mirrors, and any source of artificial light whatsoever.

I've been in places like that.

- The 'saloon' style swinging doors are to be immediately replaced by something heavy and made of oak, which can be secured in the unlikely event of a 'lock-in'.

Good thinking.

- The jukebox inventory is to be strictly monitored, but at any given time must include at least two albums of each by The Who, Pink Floyd, The Smiths, Bob Dylan, Jeff Buckley and B*witched. Every customer in the establishment is granted one vito per visit. Vitoes are non-transferrable. The jukebox volume is to be maintained such that conversation can take place at normal volumes, but that 'those four notes' in Shine On, You Crazy Diamond can be appreciated by all.

Got add Zepplin and Trower. B*witched doesn't seem in the same league.

- The bar shall, at all times, keep a supply of Coca Cola in the fridge. This will be made available free of charge to all would-be pissheads who are designated drivers.

Or we retain a taxi service.

- The decor is to be kept free of trite tat such as pitchforks, porcelain, and wallpaper. Instead, stolen roadsigns, old rifles, hunting tropies, number plates, and any music memorabilia are to be encouraged.

Excellent, although pitchforks would be OK.

- Two barstools are to be kept reserved at all times, for Danger, Ivan, Astronuc, Fred, and myself. I'll let you figure out how to fit four men on a barstool simultaneously.

How about a booth with broadband?

- Thursday night is Tequila night.

Whisky night? Oh, that's every night, right?

Any questions?

No. Seems like you covered the important stuff.

A hammock on the porch would be nice.

 

[Moonbear]

Barmaid, get Danger a shot of Guinness. Make that a double. And pour yomamma half an orange juice. Since I'm the boss, there's some changes to be made around here.


- The only beer to be served here is proper beer. No pissy, fizzy, gassy, cold ants' piss. Except Carling, for special celebrations. Fosters, Budweiser, Coors and anything brewed in the US are forbidden.

- Guinness may only be served in shots, the pouring of which should take about quarter of an hour. Brits, including honourary Brits, may be served a whole pint at the manager's discretion.

- The gents' toilets are to be kept free from such luxuries as toilet seats, paper towels, soap, hot water, mirrors, and any source of artificial light whatsoever.

- Drinks such as Malibu, Advocaat, and Baileys are not to be sold to male customers. However, it's quite alright for men to drink them as long as someone else is buying. Gin & Tonic may be consumed by anyone with breasts or a beard. (The management realizes that many customers fulfill both of these criteria, but we have to be fair...)

- The 'saloon' style swinging doors are to be immediately replaced by something heavy and made of oak, which can be secured in the unlikely event of a 'lock-in'.

- The jukebox inventory is to be strictly monitored, but at any given time must include at least two albums of each by The Who, Pink Floyd, The Smiths, Bob Dylan, Jeff Buckley and B*witched. Every customer in the establishment is granted one vito per visit. Vitoes are non-transferrable. The jukebox volume is to be maintained such that conversation can take place at normal volumes, but that 'those four notes' in Shine On, You Crazy Diamond can be appreciated by all.

- The bar shall, at all times, keep a supply of Coca Cola in the fridge. This will be made available free of charge to all would-be pissheads who are designated drivers.

- The decor is to be kept free of trite tat such as pitchforks, porcelain, and wallpaper. Instead, stolen roadsigns, old rifles, hunting tropies, number plates, and any music memorabilia are to be encouraged.

- Two barstools are to be kept reserved at all times, for Danger, Ivan, Astronuc, Fred, and myself. I'll let you figure out how to fit four men on a barstool simultaneously.

- Thursday night is Tequila night.

Any questions?

*looks around* When's SOS back on?