Our Hard Drive Which art internal Volume C by name

[Astronuc]

. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

· Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

· The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

· To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

· When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

· The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

· A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

· A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

· Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

· We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

· When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. For MIH.

· The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

· The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

· The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

· If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

· A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

· What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

· A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

· Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

· A backward poet writes inverse.

· In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

· A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

· With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

· Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

· When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

· The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

· A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

· You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

· He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

· A calendar's days are numbered.

· A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

· A boiled egg is hard to beat.

· He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

· A plateau is a high form of flattery.

· Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

· When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

· When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

· Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

· Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

· Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

[Kurdt]

This last set you've put up remind me of comedian Tim Vine's comedy style. Are they attributed to anyone Astro or just a random collection?

 

[Astronuc]

Someone in my office had a copy so I appropriated it.

 

[Kurdt]

Someone in my office had a copy so I appropriated it.

They're very good, I love a good pun

I'll have to remember some.

 

[edward]

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

This one cracks me up.

Did anyone list, what do you call a boomerang that won't come back? Answer: A stick.

 

[verty]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Astronuc]

This is a good one - by a physicist from Oxford no less

Todd's Pun

 

[Moonbear]

I love that list of performance reviews:

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

I've known employees like that!

and

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

Yep, definitely have met a few of those too!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Ah, ba ba ba ba bomb Iran
Ba ba ba ba bomb Iran

Oh bomb Iran, that is the plan
bomb Iran
You got me lockin and loadin
piling up the missiles
bomb Iran ba ba
bomb bomb Iran

Went to a Iraq, lookin for a fight
Thought I’d bomb Iran, so I think I’ll take flight
With bomb Iran, bomb bomb
bomb bomb Iran
You got me lockin and loadin
piling up the missiles
bomb Iran ba ba
bomb bomb Iran

Went to Iraq
Afghanistan too
Thought of Syria
But I knew it wouldn't do
bomb Iran, bomb Iran
We'll take your land
bomb Iran
Here’s the plan
You got me lockin and loadin
piling up the missiles
bomb Iran ba ba
bomb bomb Iran

 

[Moonbear]

What a Dummy!

These three guys go down to Mexico one night and
get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they
are to be executed for their crimes but none of them
can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if he has any last words. He says,
"I am from the University of Notre Dame School of
Theology and I believe in the almighty power of God
to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure
God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words.
"I am from the University of Notre Dame School of Law
and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to
intervene on the part of the innocent."

The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.
They figure that the law is on this guy's side,
so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's
"Well, I'm a Purdue Boilermaker and an Electrical Engineer,
and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute
anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

May he rest in peace.

 

[brewnog]

I'm sure most of you have seen this, but for those who haven't:




I halve a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pores o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if where lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is chequed with such grate flair,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.

-- Sauce Unknown

 

[BobG]

The joys of staff work (especially staff meetings). Favorite quotes:

"None of us is as dumb as all of us."

"The chances for success in these talks is about the same as the number of R's in 'fat chance'."

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep."

"Ya know, in this command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule."

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row until we rot."

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams."

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat." (response to being assigned a tough tasker).

"Never pet a burning dog."

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point." (On the fact that somebody always tries to fine tune a plan with more good ideas until the plan is so bogged down with extra weight it can't possibly move forward.)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our failure to make any progress."

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all."

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it will only take a minute." (So true. It's amazing how well things work when everyone has no choice but to say, "Yes".)

The joys of doing business in foreign countries:

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh." (Comment once the smoke cleared after plugging a 110V computer into a 220V outlet.)

On coalition building for the Iraq war:

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it."

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupancy by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt."

"I guess the next thing they'll ask us for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq."

And one last quote that could apply to the decision to invade Iraq in the first place:

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you've done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

 

[Astronuc]

100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/mispron.html


Heineken remover instead of Heimlich maneuver

 

[Astronuc]

There was an old fellow at Trinity
Who solved the square root of infinity.
But it gave him such fidgets
To count up the digits
That he dropped Math and took up Divinity
?


A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
anonymous


I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.
Brendan Behan

"The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding."
Oscar Wilde, Lord Arthur Savile's Crime, 1891

I formed a new group called Alcoholics-Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you.
Richard Harris

Being Irish, I have an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains me through temporary periods of joy.
W.B. Yeats

http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.com/Quotes/WitHumor.html

 

[Astronuc]

I heard one of the Tappit brothers refer to Daylight Savings Time as 'Daylight Wasting Time'.

 

[BobG]

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

On the other hand, reading literary works posted along the roadway with the other hand could result in traffic accidents.

 

[Evo]

Speaking of spell checkers, when I typed "Superbowl" in an e-mail, Microsoft Outlook suggested I change it to "Superb Owl".

 

[Astronuc]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. Half are cell phone numbers.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

 

[Evo]

Recently at the pharmacy I was waiting at the desk to get a prescription filled, the pharmacists were at the other end of the pharmacy where they couldn't see if anyone was out front, which is ok for a couple of minutes, but after 15 minutes and none had surfaced, I considered screaming at them, but didn't want to cause a scene, so I pulled out my cell phone and called them to let them know I was waiting out front.

 

[Astronuc]

Recently at the pharmacy I was waiting at the desk to get a prescription filled, the pharmacists were at the other end of the pharmacy where they couldn't see if anyone was out front, which is ok for a couple of minutes, but after 15 minutes and none had surfaced, I considered screaming at them, but didn't want to cause a scene, so I pulled out my cell phone and called them to let them know I was waiting out front.

When my old laptop died, I called a computer repair guy who works out of his home. He asked me if I had a cell phone - which I thought was a strange question and rather irrelevant. Then he told me to call him when I got to his front door, since his door bell didn't work, and he might be downstairs in the workshop.

So I got to his front door and knocked. No answer. Then I used my cell phone to call him.

 

[Kurdt]

They could install a pressure pad that sends out an automated e-mail when someone has been waiting for a certain length of time. Thats 21st century

 

[Astronuc]

Is this real contemporary entertainment? Is this funny?

The Big Bang Theory - Talk Nerdy to Me: Beautiful Minds


The Big Bang Theory - Heavy Lifting


The Big Bang Theory - Talk Nerdy to Me: Quietly, Please


The Big Bang Theory - A Geeks Guide to Cleaning

 

[Astronuc]

Male or Female?

This was sent to me by a family member.

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

 

[Astronuc]

Creative Puns for Deep Thinkers

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Has this one been entered?

Atheist n. A person with no invisible means of support.

 

[Brilliant!]

Consider that -

The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.

The sentence actually did something funny to my chest. Like, a strange feeling or something.

I spent 3 years in business school. I finally pulled my head out of my books and looked at my teachers and fellow students and realized it was all a popularity contest. Then, everything began to add-up: the student organizations that praised networking more than good grades, the teachers who would practically cheat for you by telling you exactly what would be on the test, and so many other instances like these. I always wrote them off as bad experiences, but the longer I stayed the more I realized the corrupt mentality of these people. "No wonder the corporate and financial world can't be trusted," I thought: for every genuine article, there are 100s of frauds.

That's when I decided I would change over to engineering, a career path that I was always interested in, but too scared (and too lazy) to undertake. I only wish I would have come to my senses sooner. Live and learn.

 

[Astronuc]

An Aussie friend posted this elsewhere.

Current security levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be 'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!'; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."

(Note: 'barbie' is 'Barbecue' - not the blond doll! )

 

[Evo]

An Aussie friend posted this elsewhere.

Current security levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be 'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!'; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."

(Note: 'barbie' is 'Barbecue' - not the blond doll! )

 

[fuzzyfelt]

 

[Borg]

Reminds me of the Sesame Street threat levels.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

The lens maker backed into his grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

 

[fuzzyfelt]

Reminds me of the Sesame Street threat levels.

Cute :)