A Difficult Change: Dealing with Ending a Close Friendship

[honestrosewater]

I think in that case you are still right to leave. He really should make up his mind. If he really thinks that you two would have a good time, it is time for him to make a move. You've made a serious effort and made it clear that you would like to meet, I don't think you should question yourself.

Yes, good point. It sucks in a way because I don't imagine he will pursue it. He was happy with us being friends. Trying to save our friendship was the only reason he had to change anything. And when he finally realizes that it was at stake, he might not care enough to do anything about it. Anyway, it was a bad situation, so I guess it's good that things changed. And I suppose I should want or deserve someone who would pursue me. (After all, I am totally awesome. :buggrin:)

I understand, but 'liking math' is still a strange criterion for starting a relationship. There are many people who would say they don't 'like math', but still share the same analytical mindset (and just have a broader world-view or priorities besides just math). I'm not saying that to be critical, it's just that I've met people who would never say they like math but who are very intelligent, passionate and inquisitive.

Point taken. I won't have strict requirements.

 

[Monique]

And I suppose I should want or deserve someone who would pursue me. (After all, I am totally awesome. :buggrin:)

You definitely do!

 

[honestrosewater]

I don't know what to say to him now. I was hoping that we could stay friends in some way. An all-or-nothing approach is an extreme I would like to avoid, but maybe it is not avoidable. I still care about him, but I don't think I can invest any more in our relationship. When I have thought so in the past, that I had reached my limit, there always ended up being something more that I was willing to do. Maybe I need a completely clean break. i just still don't want to lose him. I don't know why. Why is it so hard?

I thought I was past this part already.

 

[Astronuc]

i just still don't want to lose him. I don't know why. Why is it so hard?

I thought I was past this part already.

It's a bit like addiction. The brain becomes accustomed to the positive feelings (stimuation of certain areas of the cerebral cortex) that come with a close relationship, and it's hard to give that up. That's one reason why divorce and failed relationships can take a toll on one's health.

 

[waht]

You have demanded a romantic relationship with him. He declined, it's his loss. You have to cut contact with him ASAP. Delete all his emails, and start a new chapter in your life.

Same goes for the guys. If we are rejected, we're gone, except maybe for some nice guy that will cling around.

I would not stay friends with a girl that rejected me. It would be extremely disrespectful to my new girlfriend and myself.

 

[Huckleberry]

We talked about it plenty, though as soon as I thought something was resolved, it turned out not to be, so it doesn't feel like we made much progress on understanding each other. I imagine he expected that the conversations would stay private, so talking about what he said doesn't seem right in a public forum. It doesn't make a big difference because he said different things at different times. The whole meeting discussion probably went on for a couple months. He even agreed to a date at one point. The one thing that he stayed consistent on, and this was from the very beginning, years ago, was the problem of us living so far apart. The only other thing I am sure of is that he didn't think that I would really leave. He called me a drama queen and refused to say goodbye. And honestly, I haven't left completely. I'm trying.

The thing that is bothering me is the possibility that the reason wasn't that he thought we were incompatible. It might have been that he was sure that we would have a good time and he was afraid that he would like me and it would complicate things too much because he didn't think that I would move or that we would be able to work something out. (I am not pulling this out of thin air. His thinking this is a real possibility.) If that was why he said no, am I still right to leave? I mean, I guess I don't really have a choice. But... sigh. I don't know. It's so hard to give up when I don't know why I am giving up.

I have to say this is a bit confusing for me. That's not hard to do anyway, but something doesn't feel right here. If you talked about the end of the friendship and still don't understand why it is happening then I'm assuming that he was either being evasive or you can't accept his rejection. Either way, what does it really matter? What will change if you pursue this more?

When I was in high school there was one girl that I was enamored with. I knew she liked me too, but I never had the courage to do anything about it. She was a cheerleader and dating someone from the football team throughout all of high school. I was the loner that everyone knew. One night she called me up and asked for help with some homework, math of all things. Haha, that has never been my strong suit. She knew the material better than I did. Also, I had never given her my phone number. She must have looked for my last name in the phone book and called up a bunch of people randomly until she got my number. As thickheaded as I am I never did anything about it at the time. Two years after high school I couldn't get rid of the thought of this girl, so I found her address and sent her a letter. The response I got was that she was now engaged to that football player and I shouldn't contact her again. Ouch!

In my case she gave me a crystal clear reason. This seems to be what you are lacking. But would it really be helpful if you had one? Would it hurt any less? I think it would only hurt more. The only positive thing that could come of it is a bit of closure for you. It might satisfy some logical need for understanding, but I don't think it would do anything to fill the emotional void left behind. For your own benefit, let it go.

Most guys know within a few minutes if they want to pursue a woman or not. Some guys will spend years as friends waiting for the right opportunity. Your guy clearly had the opportunity and turned you down. For whatever reason, he doesn't want you. I suggest you get used to that idea and move on. There are plenty of guys that would jump at the opportunity to pursue you. If you need time to mourn your loss then nobody can stop you from doing that. It just seems like a vain waste of energy to me. Rejection hurts. Deal with it and move on. Confide in your friends, real ones.

 

[Evo]

The thing that is bothering me is the possibility that the reason wasn't that he thought we were incompatible. It might have been that he was sure that we would have a good time and he was afraid that he would like me and it would complicate things too much because he didn't think that I would move or that we would be able to work something out. (I am not pulling this out of thin air. His thinking this is a real possibility.) If that was why he said no, am I still right to leave? I mean, I guess I don't really have a choice. But... sigh. I don't know. It's so hard to give up when I don't know why I am giving up.

I know a lot of people that refuse to date anyone if it requires any effort. And that is the only reason, convenience. They will date people they don't really like and whine about how they can't meet anyone worthy of them, but refuse to get involved with anyone that would require advanced planning to be with. So his refusal may very well be nothing more than the distance.

 

[honestrosewater]

I guess I was partly angry the first time -- not out-of-control angry or motivated by anger, but mad at him for being a jerk about some things. Being mad at him made it easier, but now that the anger has worn off, I should do it again. I thought staying friends somewhat would be best for him, but I guess my priorities need some adjusting. I just hate for things to end in frustration like this. Evasion could be his super-hero power, and I guess stubbornness could be mine. Perhaps that's a recipe for frustration. It would be easier if he would just believe me and say goodbye instead of questioning my sincerity and talking about me coming back. Oh well. He is a good person, so I think it will be okay eventually, as long as I am a good person too. Onwards and upwards.

Thanks, guys.