Am I Overreacting? My Struggle with Depression and Family Pressure

[alias25]

I wished my parents were dead, asked god/allah(not sure who god is even at the mo) to kill them, shouted at god, told god i'll be worse than the devil towards him. Then i told god, sorry. I wanted to kill myself many times. Wondered what it would feel like dying. Wanting to runaway (had these thoughts since primary skl) I feel depressed 90% of time(think i suffer from depression). i don't go out with my friends, afraid to ask my parents if i can (btw I am 18, parents treat me like a five year old), and i want to go. I feel like a prisoner at home. I wanted to go to bristol uni to study physics but my parents start all this rubbish talk about money problems etc, they simply don't listen, like they go deaf, they don't see i simply want! to go there, my choice, but I've accepted an offer now at cardiff(home) (didn't think of it at the time i should have just accepted bristol without telling them). If an argument is started between me and my parents i get so emotional i give in, i love them, their my parents, but i hate their guts out. Few friends i have think I am abnormal, no surprise. only thing that keeps me the tiniest bit sane is that i love physics, so i keep pushing myself to get better at it and i hope things are going to get better someday, even that fails sometimes. am i just overdramatic? I feel so frustrated a lot times too.

 

[arildno]

You are just living through the pangs of wanting to be on your own.
You really ought to move out, away from Mommie's comforting, but, oh so suffocating, wings.

 

[alias25]

Im afraid of my parents always have been as a kid, dad has a really bad temper. But i think ur right that's probably what i need. Being a muslim girl, if i do something like that my family would most likely disown me, as I am supposed to be a little good girl and get an arranged marriage by my parents and then I am 'free'.

 

[wolram]

Cheer up Alias, may be by telling us your problems things will become clear to you, we can not give you much, but be sure we can give some support, are you over dramatic? well you are not the first and will not be the last to have such feelings, do not forget that money does not grow on trees and an education is not cheap

 

[arildno]

Im afraid of my parents always have been as a kid, dad has a really bad temper. But i think ur right that's probably what i need. Being a muslim girl, if i do something like that my family would most likely disown me, as I am supposed to be a little good girl and get an arranged marriage by my parents and then I am 'free'.

I would strongly advise you to take contact with a muslim youth organization in your neighbourhood (cardiff?).
You are not alone in this, and it might be a relief to you to talk with people your own age that has roughly the same background as yourself.

 

[wolram]

I would strongly advise you to take contact with a muslim youth organization in your neighbourhood (cardiff?).
You are not alone in this, and it might be a relief to you to talk with people your own age that has roughly the same background as yourself.

Good advise Arildno, i have some experience of this dilema, you must think hard and decide what you want.

 

[Moonbear]

Alias, the first thing to deal with is those feelings of depression you've had since you were a kid. It's time you brought that up with your physician and try to sort out if it's just the environment you've grown up in, or a clinical problem that needs to be treated. Believe it or not, that's the easy part.

The harder part will be breaking free of your parents and doing what will make you happy as an adult, even if it doesn't make them happy. The more you take charge of your own future direction, the better you'll feel about yourself in general. Parents generally want what's best for their children, but sometimes are misguided themselves about what that would be. What have you done to show them that you are an adult and ready to take on the responsibilities of one? That's a serious question. Demanding to go to a university because you WANT to go, even if they cannot afford it, is not going to help you get there. Since you have gotten an offer at a closer university, presumably that is more affordable, it's not like they are depriving you of an education entirely. If you really preferred the more expensive school, have you gotten a job to help pay for it to show them you don't have to rely only on them for paying for everything? Have you been studying hard and getting good exam grades to show them you are capable of the work? Have you acted like a responsible adult in other ways? In other words, when dinner needs to be made, do you pitch in and do it, or when you go out with your friends, have you always returned at the time you say you will, or, instead, do you sit around letting your parents do everything for you while you go out and get into trouble with your friends? If you really have been doing everything to show them you are ready to become independent of them, then it's more likely that they are just unwilling to let go. Some parents are simply too overprotective.

When you say your parents would disown you if you moved out. What would that mean? They would not financially support you, but that's the point, for you to go off and support yourself (of course, you better be sure you are ready and able to do that before you make that leap). They might be mad and would not talk to you for a while, but you're still their daughter, so I really doubt that would last for a very long time. They'd carry on and try to make you feel guilty for not needing them, but they do that when you're home too. Think about it, what's the worst case scenario, and are you ready to face it head on if it comes to that?

If you think it is cultural, related to you and your parents being Muslim, perhaps the best course of action is to start university and meet up with some other Muslim students when you are there. Talk to them about whether they've had similar issues, and how have they overcome them, if they've overcome them. It might give you a better chance of dealing with your parents in a way that it doesn't all blow up in your face. It can be a difficult adjustment to experience two different cultures growing up, especially if they conflict with one another. In your case, you have your Muslim cultural upbringing by your family, and you also have the British culture among your schoolmates and friends and everywhere else around you. It may be a rough adjustment for your parents to realize that you do not completely share their culture, because you are being raised with blended cultures, and at times, you're going to prefer the others you're exposed to more than that of your parents. You are an adult now, so brace yourself to start making some tough adult decisions regarding these issues.

 

[Moonbear]

Yeah, I know, from your posts, you always sound like a nice muslim girl..

No, but he's still afraid of his mother, enough to risk dying his entire cot brown rather than ask to exchange a pink duvet cover.

 

[devious_]

Im afraid of my parents always have been as a kid, dad has a really bad temper. But i think ur right that's probably what i need. Being a muslim girl, if i do something like that my family would most likely disown me, as I am supposed to be a little good girl and get an arranged marriage by my parents and then I am 'free'.

I too second arildno's advice. Being forced into an arranged marriage is strictly forbidden in Islam - especially if you're a girl, even though in some Islamic cultures it seems to be commonplace. Make sure you find some support from an organization or other Muslims in your area. Good luck, and be ready to make some tough, and independent, decisions.

 

[arildno]

Aah yes, forced marriage is forbidden but "arranged" ones are de rigeur..

 

[wolram]

No, but he's still afraid of his mother, enough to risk dying his entire cot brown rather than ask to exchange a pink duvet cover.

Hey, that is a cheap shot across my bows

 

[alias25]

Thanks. I tend to bottle things up, feels good talking about things. when i say disowned I mean not just financially but in every other way. I really don't want an arranged marriage, but that's part of islam, it's not like tradition which can be changed. My parents never really gave me any responsibilities they'd rather i focus on school work, which i did. By accepting responsibilities they're going to think I am all mature enough to be 'married off', i want to delay that as long as possible.