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Anyone care to read my college transfer essay?

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  • Thread starter Johnyi
  • Start date
  • #1
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Main Question or Discussion Point

-Sophomore at community college
-1.85 GPA 1st semester, 3.5 2nd semester, possibly a 4.0 this semester.
-3.1 GPA currently, possibly a 3.4 after this semester

Please reply if you want me to PM it to you, Thanks!
 

Answers and Replies

  • #2
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Bump!
 
  • #3
1.85? isnt that really bad?
 
  • #4
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1.85? isnt that really bad?
It was their first semester. I would assume it was just a culture shock/transition issue. This initial fall happens to A LOT of freshmen. The key point to see is that they got their stuff together and pulled good grades in the following semester and did not continue to do poorly.
 
  • #5
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Send it to me, I'll give you some constructive criticism.
 
  • #6
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Can Anyone give me some criticism on my transfer essay? People have told me it sounds too repetitive and too desperate, what are your thoughts?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Essay: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.


My grandmother, who had been diagnosed with bladder cancer last year, had once told me that, “It is better to light one small candle, then to complain about the darkness”. Without hesitation, I knew what I wanted to do. I decided to take heed to my grandmother's words, and in fact light one small candle rather than complain, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology, in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service work at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest. As time went on with my grandmother, and close friends becoming infected with cancer, I knew I wanted to research the cause and help fight it. The wide variety of courses in the undergraduate biology curriculum, taught by world-renown scholars reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The Cellular and Molecular biology program perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. With plenty of self research, and a challenging Oakton Community College biology course, I learned much about the world of cells, and decided to contribute myself to help abolish cancer. Numerous visits to UIUC allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people like myself. UIUC is the most important among schools I am applying to, as it is clear that UIUC has numerous advantages over many other schools in my field of study. The general atmosphere and the praise-worthy academic facilities had completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge within molecular and cellular biology grows, so does my hope to begin my work of helping others with cancer at a professional level.
 
  • #7
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UIUC is the most important among schools I am applying to, as it is clear that UIUC has numerous advantages over many other schools in my field of study. The general atmosphere and the praise-worthy academic facilities had completely won me over.
cut some of the other stuff down, and talk more about what UIUC can offer that no one else can: ie SPECIFIC research groups and types of research. this shows you are highly focused in research, because otherwise mcb education / cancer research you can do almost anywhere. you have to really dial it in to UIUC to make them see that you REALLY REALLY want to go there.

Without hesitation, I knew what I wanted to do. I decided to take heed to my grandmother's words, and in fact light one small candle rather than complain, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology, in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service work at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest. As time went on with my grandmother, and close friends becoming infected with cancer, I knew I wanted to research the cause and help fight it. The wide variety of courses in the undergraduate biology curriculum, taught by world-renown scholars reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The Cellular and Molecular biology program perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. With plenty of self research, and a challenging Oakton Community College biology course, I learned much about the world of cells, and decided to contribute myself to help abolish cancer.
i might cut a lot of this out and condense it to 1-2 sentences. and use that space to talk about specific professors and their cancer research that interests you.

http://mcb.illinois.edu/faculty/profile/jiechen
http://mcb.illinois.edu/faculty/profile/cmizzen
http://mcb.illinois.edu/faculty/profile/lfchen
http://mcb.illinois.edu/faculty/profile/d-kranz
http://mcb.illinois.edu/faculty/profile/djshapir
http://mcb.illinois.edu/faculty/profile/s-sligar
http://mcb.illinois.edu/faculty/profile/aspies [Broken]
http://mcb.illinois.edu/faculty/profile/mspies [Broken]

these all have cancer research listed as their target disease, see if any of their research areas interest you.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
  • #8
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I hope my revision is better, I cut out a lot of stuff and focused in on my interests.








-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Essay: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.


My grandmother, who had been diagnosed with bladder cancer last year, had once told me that, “It is better to light one small candle, then to complain about the darkness”. To fight the feeling of helplessness, I knew what I wanted to do. I decided to take heed to my grandmother's words, and in fact light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service work at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest. Molecular and Cellular biology at UIUC, a major not offered at my local community college, offers research opportunities and education on the health and functional aspect of biology that can be rarely found anywhere else. It is obvious the school of Molecular and Cellular biology at UIUC can offer what no other school can. The wide variety of research fields and types of research offered at UIUC reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research of Molecular Immunology perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. My learning interests are directly connected with Professor David M. Kranz, a Biochemistry professor at UIUC who specializes with Molecular Immunology. The idea that Professor Kranz delivers on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses, without destroying self antigens like our own body tissues matches my interests perfectly. Numerous visits to UIUC allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people like myself, as the general atmosphere and the praise-worthy academic facilities had completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge within molecular and cellular biology grows, so does my hope to begin my work of helping others with cancer at a professional level.
 
  • #9
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I hope my revision is better, I cut out a lot of stuff and focused in on my interests.








-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Essay: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.


My grandmother, who had been diagnosed with bladder cancer last year, had once told me that, “It is better to light one small candle, then to complain about the darkness”. To fight the feeling of helplessness, I knew what I wanted to do. I decided to take heed to my grandmother's words, and in fact light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service work at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest. Molecular and Cellular biology at UIUC, a major not offered at my local community college, offers research opportunities and education on the health and functional aspect of biology that can be rarely found anywhere else. It is obvious the school of Molecular and Cellular biology at UIUC can offer what no other school can. The wide variety of research fields and types of research offered at UIUC reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research of Molecular Immunology perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. My learning interests are directly connected with Professor David M. Kranz, a Biochemistry professor at UIUC who specializes with Molecular Immunology. The idea that Professor Kranz delivers on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses, without destroying self antigens like our own body tissues matches my interests perfectly. Numerous visits to UIUC allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people like myself, as the general atmosphere and the praise-worthy academic facilities had completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge within molecular and cellular biology grows, so does my hope to begin my work of helping others with cancer at a professional level.
personally i think this sounds a lot better, does anyone else agree?
 
  • #10
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I tried to get as specific as i can, with leaving out some personal stuff.
 
  • #11
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Maybe you don't want to start an essay on such a sad note.. and by maybe I mean most definitely.
 
  • #12
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Does anyone else feel as if mentioning a specific professor within the university is kind of "trying too hard?" I know i cant take to account what everyone is saying... But i let a friend read my paper and she said theres too much going on, and that i look too desperate with mentioning the specific professior. And that i should try to keep it general.
 
  • #13
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Does anyone else feel as if mentioning a specific professor within the university is kind of "trying too hard?" I know i cant take to account what everyone is saying... But i let a friend read my paper and she said theres too much going on, and that i look too desperate with mentioning the specific professior. And that i should try to keep it general.
try googling for "outstanding college essays" or something and see what those look like. . .

imo you are applying to a good school for a specific program -- you want to be trying hard. that to me says that you know what you want, and will be an asset to the university as opposed to " i like your school, and *enter a bunch of generic stuff here that admissions people have read 9999999999999x before here* "
 
  • #14
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My grandmother, who was diagnosed with bladder cancer last year, once told me that, “It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” To fight the feeling of helplessness, I figured out what I wanted to do. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, I volunteered at my high school lab, and did community service work at a local forest preserve helped fuel my interest. UIUC offers a major in molecular and cellular biology, and offers research and educational opportunities that would be hard to top. The wide variety of research fields and the breadth of research offered at UIUC reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research in Molecular Immunology perfectly matches my goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. My learning interests are directly connected with Professor David M. Kranz. <The theory that Professor Kranz delivers on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses, without destroying self-antigens, matches my interests perfectly.>1 Numerous visits to UIUC have allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people, and the praise-worthy academic facilities, and the general atmosphere have completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge grows, so does my hope to begin my work of helping others with cancer.



1. Please consider replacing this with a more specific statement on HOW this fits your interests. Do you think that there could be a more holistic approach to cancer therapies using the body's own coping mechanisms?
a friend revised this if you care to use this as a new working basis. . .
 
  • #15
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I don't have too much time to critique at the moment, but I can say that you should definitely think about changing the first sentence. Maybe something like this, I think, sounds better:

When I was growing up, my grandmother always told me "It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” It came as startling news that just last year she was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer.....

I just think starting off the first sentence saying something about cancer doesn't sound good. But hey, that's just one opinion.
 
  • #16
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NEW REVISION, please tell me what you think, and if you like the changes i have made.




---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was growing up, my grandmother always told me, "It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” It came as startling news that just last year she was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service work at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest.
Molecular and Cellular Biology at UIUC, a major not offered at my local community college, offers research opportunities and education on the health and functional aspect of biology that can rarely be found anywhere else. The school of Molecular and Cellular Biology at UIUC can offer what no other school can. The wide variety of research fields and types of research offered like Immunology and drug discovery, reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research of Molecular Immunology perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. Professor David M. Kranz, a Biochemistry professor at UIUC who specializes in Molecular Immunology, is researching the theory on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses without destroying self antigens like our own body tissues, which matches my interests perfectly.
Numerous visits to UIUC allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people, and the general atmosphere and the admirable academic facilities had completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge within molecular and cellular biology grows, so does my hope to be a part of the student body at UIUC and its extracurricular activities, and to eventually have the honor to call myself an “alumni” of UIUC.
 
  • #17
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I don't have too much time to critique at the moment, but I can say that you should definitely think about changing the first sentence. Maybe something like this, I think, sounds better:

When I was growing up, my grandmother always told me "It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” It came as startling news that just last year she was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer.....

I just think starting off the first sentence saying something about cancer doesn't sound good. But hey, that's just one opinion.
i like this
 
  • #18
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Yeah i liked it too, i added it to my paper.
 
  • #19
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Anyone think Im good to submit this paper?

Also, because I had a 1.85 gpa first semester...... i was wondering if i should do the optional paper to explain why i got it.


Additional Information (optional): If you are unable to meet one or more of the transfer admissions requirements for your program, please explain. Or, is there any additional information you feel we should be aware of while reviewing your application, including extenuating circumstances that affected your academic record?

You guys think I should do it?
 
  • #20
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I have 307 words, limit is 300. Anyone care to help me cut it down to 300?














When I was growing up, my grandmother always told me, "It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” It came as startling news that just last year she was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest.
Molecular and Cellular Biology at UIUC, a major not offered at my community college, offers research opportunities and education on the health and functional aspect of biology that can rarely be found anywhere else. The wide variety of research fields and types of research offered like Immunology and Drug Discovery, reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research of Molecular Immunology perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. Professor David M. Kranz, a Biochemistry professor at UIUC who specializes in Molecular Immunology, is researching the theory on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses without destroying self antigens like our own body tissues, which matches my interests perfectly. Such research provides hope that I will contribute to the reputation of UIUC, while fulfilling my own goals in the process.
Numerous visits to UIUC allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people, and the general atmosphere and the admirable academic facilities had completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge within molecular and cellular biology grows, so does my hope to be a part of the student body at UIUC and its extracurricular activities, and to possibly have the honor to call myself an “alumni” of UIUC.
 
  • #21
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I have 307 words, limit is 300. Anyone care to help me cut it down to 300?














When I was growing up, my grandmother always told me, "It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” It came as startling news that just last year she was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab, and community service at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest.
Molecular and Cellular Biology at UIUC, a major not offered at my community college, offers research opportunities and education on the health and functional aspect of biology that can rarely be found anywhere else. The wide variety of research fields and types of research offered like Immunology and Drug Discovery, reassures me that there is no other university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research of Molecular Immunology perfectly matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. Professor David M. Kranz, a Biochemistry professor at UIUC who specializes in Molecular Immunology, is researching the theory on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses without destroying self antigens like our own body tissues, which matches my interests perfectly. Such research provides hope that I will contribute to the reputation of UIUC, while fulfilling my own goals in the process.
Numerous visits to UIUC allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people, and the general atmosphere and the admirable academic facilities had completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge within molecular and cellular biology grows, so does my hope to be a part of the student body at UIUC and its extracurricular activities, and to possibly have the honor to call myself an “alumni” of UIUC.
To cut it down by a few words while retaining most of what you said, try

"While growing up, my grandmother told me"...

instead of

"When I was growing up, my grandmother always told me"...

in the first sentence. I know that doesn't help much, but I also think it flows a bit better :)
 
  • #22
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get rid of
, and to possibly have the honor to call myself an “alumni” of UIUC.
 
  • #23
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Im about to send in this version of my essay, just want to see if there were any grammatical errors. This is exactly 300 words, I cut some things down so i dont know if i cut words that some sentences lose meaning. Please check!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When I was growing up, my grandmother always told me, "It is better to light one small candle than to complain about the darkness.” It came as startling news that last year she was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I decided to heed my grandmother's words, to light one small candle, and do something about cancer. I've always had a vast interest in biology; in fact, volunteer work at my high school lab and at a local forest preserve helped fuel the interest.
Molecular and Cellular Biology at UIUC, a major not offered at my community college, offers research opportunities and education on the health and functional aspect of biology that can rarely be found anywhere else. The wide variety of research fields offered like Immunology and Drug Discovery, reassures me that there is no university better than UIUC for me to begin my fight against cancer. The research of Molecular Immunology matches my academic and professional goals of deepening my knowledge of cells and molecules. Professor David M. Kranz, a Biochemistry professor at UIUC who specializes in Molecular Immunology, is researching the theory on how mammals can eliminate foreign antigens like tumors and viruses without destroying self antigens like our own body tissues, which matches my interests perfectly. Such research provides hope that I will contribute to the reputation of UIUC, while fulfilling my own goals in the process.
Visits to UIUC allowed me to interact with like-minded and service-minded people, and the general atmosphere combined with the admirable academic facilities had completely won me over. As my thirst for knowledge within molecular and cellular biology grows, so does my hope to be a part of the student body at UIUC and its extracurricular activities, and to possibly have the honor to one day call myself an “alumni” of UIUC.
 

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