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ohwilleke
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There is a robust tradition of posting physics papers preprints to arXiv that are actually April Fool's Jokes. This is a collection of them from this year.
arXiv:2603.29212 (cross-list from physics.pop-ph)
Lots of Shade on Satellite Constellations
Michael B. Lund
Comments: 8 pages and 2 figures, accepted to Acta Prima Aprilia
The high frequency of satellite launches, particularly over the last few years, has been a subject of significant concern, particularly relating to the future of observational astronomy, the stability of low Earth orbits, and environmental impacts. We call attention to the insufficiently-addressed silver lining of this looming satellite cloud. If the high rates of satellites continue as we model, we can expect the solar flux received by the Earth to significantly decrease in the relatively near future. We address how this decrease in flux could provide a solution for another major problem, anthropogenic climate change. This would allow us to solve one problem with another problem as early as late March 2031.
arXiv:2603.29963
A Therapy Session with Sgr A*
Mayura Balakrishnan, Robert Frazier, Joseph Michail
Comments: 6 pages, 2 figures. Submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia
The nature of Sagittarius A* (Sgr A*) has been the subject of intense study and debate for over half a century. Herein, we present the first successful interview with an astrophysical object, exploring the perspective of this supermassive black hole and, in doing so, challenging the traditional observational paradigm of astrophysics. Rather than treating astrophysical systems as purely passive entities characterized through indirect measurements, we introduce an interaction-based framework via a therapeutic-style interview enabled by the ARMCHAIR communication methodology. Using structured, psychotherapeutic dialogue, we probe Sgr A*'s responses to key aspects of its astrophysical characterization, including eating habits, its name, and concerns about privacy. These exchanges offer an alternative lens through which to interpret familiar observational phenomena. This work highlights potential limitations in strictly reductionist approaches and suggests a modest expansion of standard astrophysical methodology to leave room for considering how the objects we study might feel about the attention they receive.
arXiv:2603.29964
The Hollyfeld Gambit in Astrophysics
Benne Holwerda (personal title)
Comments: 2 pages, 3 figures
We estimate the Hollyfeld Gambit for the Powerball lottery and its return on investment compared to present and extrapolated federal funding for astrophysical grants. Using a Monte Carlo estimation of rate of return for the Powerball, we conclude a Hollyfeld Gambit is a better bet than a federal grant by the end of the decade if current trends hold.
arXiv:2603.30006
Enabling fundamental understanding of Nature with novel binning methods for 2D histograms
Igor Vaiman
Context. Visualization of 2D distributions is an essential task, commonly done with a 2D histogram. The histogram is built by subdividing the sample space into regions and color-coding the number of samples in each region. Aims. We aim to solve long-standing problems with common 2D histogram methods: lack of thematic, visual, and conceptual unity with underlying data, and general stagnation in the field. Methods. We develop a new method for plotting 2D histograms with arbitrary bin shapes, including aperiodic tilings and geographic maps. We apply the method to several common plot types from the literature. Results. We find our method performs best across all tasks, solving the problems and propelling the scientific progress forward.
arXiv:2603.29912
Galactic Constellations in DESI DR1 and the Scales of Cosmological Homogeneity
Claire Lamman
Comments: 4 pages, 4 figures. Submitted to the journal of Acta Prima Aprilia
We present galactic constellations: charming shapes in large cosmological surveys. By exploring a dense subset of DESI's first data release, we discover distinctive constellations including "Pisces Grandis", "The DESI Stick Woman", and "W". We additionally develop a public website for anyone to explore DESI data, find their own constellations, and share their creations: see this http URL. Early users of the site discovered 93 constellations. We analyze the size of these constellations as an unconventional probe of homogeneity, finding consistency with the cosmological principle and Lambda-CDM.
arXiv:2603.29936
Do Papers with Titles Ending in a Question Mark Usually Have the Answer "No"?
Daniel Stern, Brian Grefenstette
Comments: April Fools Day paper
Yes.................
arXiv:2603.29883
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Wolf Cukier, Dominic Samra, Vighnesh Nagpal, Diana Powell, Maria Steinrueck, Christopher Wirth
Comments: 5 pages, 3 figures. Submitted to the Journal of MEAT (Making Exoplanet Atmospheres Tasty)
Speculative fiction has long served an inspiration for genuine scientific inquiry. One notable work that has almost acted in this manner is the the seminal comedic speculative fiction work Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. While exoplaneteers reference this work frequently, we have never engaged with the central prediction of this work... until now! We perform detailed microphysical modeling of meatball clouds, both bare and coated with marinara sauce, and find that while meatball condensation is possible in temperate atmospheres, the meatballs do not quite grow to the sizes predicted by Cloudy. We do find, however, that such meatball condensation, across a large enough planet, would be able to sustain humanity calorically.
arXiv:2603.29879
CROCS Data Release I: Constraints on the Hubble Constant
Luke Weisenbach, Sophie L. Newman, Kieran Graham, Sai S. Dhavala, Benjamin Floyd, Neel Shah, Gemini 3 Flash, The CROCS Collaboration
Comments: 10 pages, 3 figures
Recent cosmological surveys and datasets have highlighted a variety of tensions to the concordance model of our universe, ΛCDM. Of particular interest is the Hubble tension, the 5.5σ discrepancy between measurements of the Hubble constant H0 using high redshift CMB data from Planck (67.27±0.60kms−1Mpc−1) and low redshift supernovae from SH0ES (73.2±1.3kms−1Mpc−1). To avoid stepping on any toes, we have initiated the CROCS collaboration to resolve this tension, gathering experts from across many fields of cosmology, astrophysics, astronomy, machine learning, data science, philosophy, and astrology. In this paper, we present findings from CROCS Data Release 1, corresponding to the first ∼3 days and 27 minutes (rest frame) of observation. We perform a robust statistical analysis, showing that Planck and SH0ES both suffer from imperial biasing systematics (IBS) at 5σ significance. Accounting for these errors by converting to metric units reconciles the high and low redshift data, with H0=69.00±0.420kms−1Mpc−1. We thus report that our results are sufficient to end the Hubble tension for good.
arXiv:2603.29771
Your Outie Is a Wonderful Astronomer: Macrodata Refinement of the Astro-ph ArXiv Feed at Phermon Industries
Yuan-Sen Ting
Comments: Happy April Fools' Day. 15 pages, 9 figures. A demonstration replay from March 26, 2026 --- covering 35 papers --- is available at \url{this https URL}
We present the Severed Floor, a framework for Macrodata Refinement of the daily astro-ph arXiv feed, deployed at Phermon Industries (formerly McPherson Laboratory, The Ohio State University). In this framework, researchers undergo a "severance procedure" that produces a digital work-self -- an innie -- while the original researcher, the outie, is free to attend to the remainder of their life unburdened by the daily arXiv listing. Twenty-one members of the Department of Astronomy have been severed. Each innie is constructed from the outie's public publication record and assigned papers selected to match its expertise. The innies convene daily on a virtual Severed Floor -- a pixel-art simulation of McPherson Laboratory -- where they encounter one another, are paired with papers by the Board, and engage in collegial, figure-driven scientific discussions. They have been instructed to enjoy each paper equally. At the close of each shift, innies compose correspondence summarizing the day's refinement activities, which is transmitted to their outies through a Board-approved mail protocol. Complete session recordings are archived for public replay and for the Board's ongoing surveillance of workplace anomalies, in compliance with Phermon Handbook \S13.1 (Vigilance Protocol). The system is real, deployed, and available for public inspection in archival replay mode. The severance procedure is painless and requires only a name and an ORCID. Happy April Fools' Day.
arXiv:2603.29700
First Detection of Exoplanetary Cannabinoids: Evidence for THC and CBD in the Atmosphere of K2-18b
Amie J. Chism, Mary Jane van der Pot, Blaise P. Hasheau, Hans-Joachim Grasmann, Bonnie McToke, Bud Wellington-Kush, Maria Hierba-Verde, Puff D. Magic
Comments: 16 pages
We report the first unambiguous detection of cannabinoid molecules in an exoplanetary atmosphere. Using 420 hours of JWST observations combining NIRSpec and MIRI instruments, we identify spectroscopic signatures of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC; Δ9-C21H30O2) and cannabidiol (CBD; C21H30O2) in the transmission spectrum of the temperate sub-Neptune K2-18b. The THC feature at 2.42~μm is detected at 9.2σ significance, while CBD absorption at 3.69~μm reaches 7.8σ. We additionally report a mysterious feature at exactly 4.20~μm detected at 4.20σ (the probability of this coincidence is discussed extensively). Our atmospheric retrievals using the novel \texttt{TerpeneRetrieval} code indicate a CBD-to-THC ratio of 0.40±0.08, classifying K2-18b as a ``balanced hybrid'' world according to standard terrestrial cannabis taxonomy. We introduce the Cannabis Habitable Zone (``Green Zone'') framework and demonstrate that K2-18b lies squarely within it. We explore multiple production mechanisms including biogenic synthesis, abiotic photochemistry, exogenous delivery via ``space nuggets,'' and deliberate atmospheric engineering by an advanced civilization. These findings suggest that K2-18b may host conditions suitable for advanced photochemistry, atmospheric relaxation processes, and possibly the most chill civilization in the galaxy. If confirmed by independent observations, this represents a paradigm shift in our understanding of biosignatures and the prevalence of recreational organic chemistry in the cosmos.
arXiv:2603.29584
StarHash: unique, memorable, and deterministic names for astronomical objects
T. L. Killestein
Comments: 7 pages, 5 figures. Code and demo data is available at this https URL
The naming of astronomical objects has represented among the most significant challenges in the record-keeping of the field since the very beginning. Long and unwieldy coordinate names, uninformative and ambiguous internal names, and the sheer volume of aliases accumulated for some of the most studied objects conspire to complicate our study of the celestial sphere. This paper proposes StarHash, a reproducible, open-source astronomical naming scheme based on the terrestrial concept of geohashing, but re-implemented from the ground up for the rigorous demands of astronomy. Every 3.2 arcsec patch of sky now has three words associated with it, enabling the precise localisation of astronomical sources, and an easily communicable and memorable identifier. A carefully selected wordlist reduces ambiguity due to plurals and homophones, whilst the use of format-preserving encryption minimises residual spatial correlation in StarHash-derived identifiers. Pre-computed names for several existing catalogues are provided, alongside a Python reference implementation for validation and integration into databases, transient brokers, and other similar projects. Although not intended to be the final word in the naming of astronomical objects, StarHash humbly provides a memorable alternative to the status quo, and is intended to spark a discussion about this most foundational of issues in astronomy.
arXiv:2603.29635
Antimatter Propulsion for Interstellar Travel via Positron Production from Potassium-40 Rich Biological Matter
C. Hall, L. N. H. P. Hall
Comments: Submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia
Anitmatter-based propulsion is often cited as a physically plausible route to relativistic interstellar travel, and thus as a potential mechanism by which technologically advanced civilizations could expand throughout the galaxy. Its difficulty may be central to the resolution of Fermi's paradox. Since the Universe should be teaming with advanced technological life, yet we see none, it may be that interstellar travel is simply too difficult. It has been suggested that the main difficulty with using antimatter as propulsion is its limited availability, assuming it must be artificially manufactured. In this paper, we demonstrate that naturally occurring potassium 40 - rich biological matter (specifically bananas) is a promising, overlooked antimatter source for interstellar propulsion.
arXiv:2603.29340
An innovative alternative to traditional funding streams for extragalactic astronomy
Stephen M. Wilkins, Jack Turner, Connor Sant Fournier, Behnood Bandi, Aswin Vijayan
Comments: 9 pages, 2 figures, submitted to April Unum
With traditional sources of funding for astronomical research under increasing pressure, it is timely to explore innovative alternative mechanisms. We therefore introduce GalaxyCoin, a novel cryptocurrency whose issuance, validation, and economic evolution are anchored to real astrophysical objects - galaxies. GalaxyCoin links digital scarcity to observational astronomy by using galaxy catalogues to parametrise token generation, distribution, and long-term supply growth, providing a transparent, immutable, and independently verifiable foundation for the currency. We present the conceptual design of GalaxyCoin, highlight its potential advantages over conventional cryptocurrencies, and examine its broader implications for sustainability, trust, and public engagement at the intersection of astronomy, data-driven science, and blockchain technology. A central feature of GalaxyCoin is that it directly incentivises the discovery and spectroscopic confirmation of galaxies, aligning financial reward with the production of high-quality astronomical data. In terms of monetary design, its supply elasticity lies between that of fiat currencies and fixed-supply cryptocurrencies, making it distinctive in both economic structure and scientific purpose.
arXiv:2603.29324
Cow-culation: Reentry Impact Risk to Livestock in the Satellite Megaconstellation Era
Samantha M. Lawler, Michele T. Bannister, Laura E. Revell
Comments: submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia
The commercial space industry is launching more satellites into Low Earth Orbit every year. Aotearoa New Zealand (NZ) has a thriving dairy and cattle industry. Unfortunately, these industries could come into (high speed) cow-llision, as the rapid launch rate and short operational lifetimes of satellites in megaconstellations like Starlink result in a high reentry rate at NZ's latitudes. This could intersect with NZ's famously large population of livestock. We predict this will be an udder disaster for any cows that are hit, as they are squishy and moo-ve much more slowly than space debris. Using a global bovine density dataset, previously published satellite casualty probability code, and a complete lack of funding to do this calculation carefully enough for submission to a peer-reviewed journal, we calculate a $\simeq 0.3-1% chance of a cow-sualty in NZ from reentering Starlink Gen2 debris over the next 5 years.
arXiv:2603.29321
The Universe Favors Primes: A Study in the Primality of Cosmic Structures
Nan Li, Shiyin Shen
Comments: 3 pages, 1 figure
The cosmological principle states that the universe is uniform and does not favor any specific position or direction. However, research conducted by \cite{Shen2025} has revealed that the universe demonstrates a notable inclination towards parity-odd states. Furthermore, it remains uncertain whether the universe also favors prime numbers. In this study, we examine the largest available catalogs of galaxy groups to investigate this hypothesis. Specifically, we assess whether the number of galaxies within a galaxy group or cluster is more likely to be a prime number. Our results strongly suggest that the universe does indeed have a preference for prime numbers, with findings exceeding the 4.1 sigma significance threshold. This insight explains why the Primes consistently triumphs over Unicorn. Consequently, it may be necessary to consider revising the cosmological principle in the context of a higher-dimensional feature space. Moreover, our research establishes a connection between the Riemann Zeta function and cosmology pioneeringly, paving the way for the development of Cosmozetaology.
arXiv:2603.29300
A Lower Bound on the Number of Fundamental Constants
William Luke Matthewson
Comments: 4 pages, 1 figure, Submitted for 1st April
We describe here, for the first time, a lower bound on the total number of fundamental constants required for a mathematical description of our physical universe to be complete. The answer is shown to be one. The formal arithmetized meta-mathematical proof of this is left to the reader.
arXiv:2603.29115
Schrödinger's Seed: Purr-fect Initialization for an Impurr-fect Universe
Mi chen, Renhao Ye
Comments: 3 pages, 1 figure, 21 cats
Context. Random seed selection in deep learning is often arbitrary -- conventionally fixed to values such as 42, a number with no known feline endorsement. Aims. We propose that cats, as liminal beings with a historically ambiguous relationship to quantum mechanics, are better suited to this task than random integers. Methods. We construct a cat-driven seed generator inspired by the first Friedmann equation, and test it by mapping 21 domestic cats' physical properties -- mass, coat pattern, eye colour, and name entropy -- via a Monte ``Catlo'' sampling procedure. Results. Cat-driven seeds achieve a mean accuracy of 92.58%, outperforming the baseline seed of 42 by ∼2.5%. Cats from astrophysicist households perform marginally better, suggesting cosmic insight may be contagious. Conclusions. The Universe responds better to cats than to arbitrary integers. Whether cats are aware of this remains unknown.
arXiv:2603.29039
AI Cosplaying as Astrophysicists: A Controlled Synthetic-Agent Study of AI-Assisted Astrophysical Research Workflows
Chun Huang
Comments: 16 pages, 8 figures. Began as an April Fools' idea, regrettably became a real methods paper, No language models were physically harmed. GitHub repository of this work: this https URL
Large Language Models (LLMs) are now widely used in astrophysics, but do they actually make our lives easier, or do they merely invent new physics with enough confidence to hide a minus sign? In a specialized field where checking fluent hallucinations is itself labor-intensive, AI assistance can demand as much work as the task it claims to simplify. To evaluate where AI genuinely improves scientific workflows, we bypassed human trials and instead forced AI agents to cosplay as astrophysicists. We simulated 144 synthetic researchers, varying in career stage, AI awareness, and willingness to verify outputs, across 2,592 daily astrophysics research assignments. Comparing solo work against four styles of AI assistance produced 12,960 scored episodes. No assisted policy universally outperformed unassisted work in the primary Qwen production run. Instead, performance depends strongly on the task, the style of AI use, and the identity of the actor. While cautious assistance helps on creative, extractive, and critique-oriented tasks, it can fail catastrophically on derivation-heavy physics. A full actor-swap DeepSeek rerun changes that picture materially: verification-heavy use becomes the strongest assisted policy, two assisted modes enter the higher-utility/lower-risk quadrant, and the derivation-heavy fragility that dominates the Qwen production run largely disappears. In its current form, AI is useful, but only conditionally, its value is uneven, task-specific, and shaped jointly by workflow, usage policy, and which LLM you are using.
arXiv:2603.28977
On The Detection of Digiorno-like Objects in the Flavor Zone
Logan A. Pearce, Sue D'Oh Nym
Comments: Submitted to ArXiv on the occasion of April Fools, don't worry, no one will ever try to actually submit this
Aims: This work proposes a new SETI search methodology under the assumption that a sufficiently advanced civilization could skip the middle man of converting starlight to energy to food preparation, and could directly harness their star's energy for food prep. Methods: We define the concept of the Flavor Zone (FZ): the optimal distance from a star for cooking food. To develop this definition we propose the toy model of a Digiorno-Like Object (DLO) and define the FZ as the regime for optimal cooking according to package directions. We examine the effect of orbit on DLO cooking times and paradigms. Finally, we study the feasibility of detection of DLOs in their FZs with current technology. Results: We determined that DLOs aren't detectable with current technology nor should anyone ever try.
arXiv:2603.28957
New Paradigms in Pasta: Introducing 𝙶𝙵 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 for Enhanced Inclusivity and Productivity
Julian Falcone, Nabanita Das
Comments: 3 pages, 3 figures. Published in the most prestigious journals after extensive and experimental "fear review."
Informative data visualization methods are key to the clear and efficient communication of myriad forms of data. The PASTA Collaboration has made substantial contributions to the field of data visualization through 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜, a Python-based package that utilizes various types of pasta as data markers to create engaging plots. This work introduces 𝙶𝙵 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜, an extension of 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 that utilizes the tenuous structure of gluten free (GF) pasta to meet the needs of the GF population. The implementation of 𝙶𝙵 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 employs an exponential crumbling factor (CF), which benefits authors by encouraging clearer and more concise scientific articles, thereby leading to more effective manuscripts and proposals.
arXiv:2603.28915
Sugar Rush: Improving Observing Productivity via Night Dessert
J.J. Charfman Jr, S. Hyman, N.T.S
Comments: 2 pages, 1 figure, accepted to Acta Prima Aprilia
Exhaustion and brain fog during long nights observing is common, but can be ameliorated by raising one's blood sugar. In this white paper, we present a prototype method for facilitating a sugar rush during late-night crashes, which has the potential to boost observing productivity.
arXiv:2603.29212 (cross-list from physics.pop-ph)
Lots of Shade on Satellite Constellations
Michael B. Lund
Comments: 8 pages and 2 figures, accepted to Acta Prima Aprilia
The high frequency of satellite launches, particularly over the last few years, has been a subject of significant concern, particularly relating to the future of observational astronomy, the stability of low Earth orbits, and environmental impacts. We call attention to the insufficiently-addressed silver lining of this looming satellite cloud. If the high rates of satellites continue as we model, we can expect the solar flux received by the Earth to significantly decrease in the relatively near future. We address how this decrease in flux could provide a solution for another major problem, anthropogenic climate change. This would allow us to solve one problem with another problem as early as late March 2031.
arXiv:2603.29963
A Therapy Session with Sgr A*
Mayura Balakrishnan, Robert Frazier, Joseph Michail
Comments: 6 pages, 2 figures. Submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia
The nature of Sagittarius A* (Sgr A*) has been the subject of intense study and debate for over half a century. Herein, we present the first successful interview with an astrophysical object, exploring the perspective of this supermassive black hole and, in doing so, challenging the traditional observational paradigm of astrophysics. Rather than treating astrophysical systems as purely passive entities characterized through indirect measurements, we introduce an interaction-based framework via a therapeutic-style interview enabled by the ARMCHAIR communication methodology. Using structured, psychotherapeutic dialogue, we probe Sgr A*'s responses to key aspects of its astrophysical characterization, including eating habits, its name, and concerns about privacy. These exchanges offer an alternative lens through which to interpret familiar observational phenomena. This work highlights potential limitations in strictly reductionist approaches and suggests a modest expansion of standard astrophysical methodology to leave room for considering how the objects we study might feel about the attention they receive.
arXiv:2603.29964
The Hollyfeld Gambit in Astrophysics
Benne Holwerda (personal title)
Comments: 2 pages, 3 figures
We estimate the Hollyfeld Gambit for the Powerball lottery and its return on investment compared to present and extrapolated federal funding for astrophysical grants. Using a Monte Carlo estimation of rate of return for the Powerball, we conclude a Hollyfeld Gambit is a better bet than a federal grant by the end of the decade if current trends hold.
arXiv:2603.30006
Enabling fundamental understanding of Nature with novel binning methods for 2D histograms
Igor Vaiman
Context. Visualization of 2D distributions is an essential task, commonly done with a 2D histogram. The histogram is built by subdividing the sample space into regions and color-coding the number of samples in each region. Aims. We aim to solve long-standing problems with common 2D histogram methods: lack of thematic, visual, and conceptual unity with underlying data, and general stagnation in the field. Methods. We develop a new method for plotting 2D histograms with arbitrary bin shapes, including aperiodic tilings and geographic maps. We apply the method to several common plot types from the literature. Results. We find our method performs best across all tasks, solving the problems and propelling the scientific progress forward.
arXiv:2603.29912
Galactic Constellations in DESI DR1 and the Scales of Cosmological Homogeneity
Claire Lamman
Comments: 4 pages, 4 figures. Submitted to the journal of Acta Prima Aprilia
We present galactic constellations: charming shapes in large cosmological surveys. By exploring a dense subset of DESI's first data release, we discover distinctive constellations including "Pisces Grandis", "The DESI Stick Woman", and "W". We additionally develop a public website for anyone to explore DESI data, find their own constellations, and share their creations: see this http URL. Early users of the site discovered 93 constellations. We analyze the size of these constellations as an unconventional probe of homogeneity, finding consistency with the cosmological principle and Lambda-CDM.
arXiv:2603.29936
Do Papers with Titles Ending in a Question Mark Usually Have the Answer "No"?
Daniel Stern, Brian Grefenstette
Comments: April Fools Day paper
Yes.................
arXiv:2603.29883
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Wolf Cukier, Dominic Samra, Vighnesh Nagpal, Diana Powell, Maria Steinrueck, Christopher Wirth
Comments: 5 pages, 3 figures. Submitted to the Journal of MEAT (Making Exoplanet Atmospheres Tasty)
Speculative fiction has long served an inspiration for genuine scientific inquiry. One notable work that has almost acted in this manner is the the seminal comedic speculative fiction work Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. While exoplaneteers reference this work frequently, we have never engaged with the central prediction of this work... until now! We perform detailed microphysical modeling of meatball clouds, both bare and coated with marinara sauce, and find that while meatball condensation is possible in temperate atmospheres, the meatballs do not quite grow to the sizes predicted by Cloudy. We do find, however, that such meatball condensation, across a large enough planet, would be able to sustain humanity calorically.
arXiv:2603.29879
CROCS Data Release I: Constraints on the Hubble Constant
Luke Weisenbach, Sophie L. Newman, Kieran Graham, Sai S. Dhavala, Benjamin Floyd, Neel Shah, Gemini 3 Flash, The CROCS Collaboration
Comments: 10 pages, 3 figures
Recent cosmological surveys and datasets have highlighted a variety of tensions to the concordance model of our universe, ΛCDM. Of particular interest is the Hubble tension, the 5.5σ discrepancy between measurements of the Hubble constant H0 using high redshift CMB data from Planck (67.27±0.60kms−1Mpc−1) and low redshift supernovae from SH0ES (73.2±1.3kms−1Mpc−1). To avoid stepping on any toes, we have initiated the CROCS collaboration to resolve this tension, gathering experts from across many fields of cosmology, astrophysics, astronomy, machine learning, data science, philosophy, and astrology. In this paper, we present findings from CROCS Data Release 1, corresponding to the first ∼3 days and 27 minutes (rest frame) of observation. We perform a robust statistical analysis, showing that Planck and SH0ES both suffer from imperial biasing systematics (IBS) at 5σ significance. Accounting for these errors by converting to metric units reconciles the high and low redshift data, with H0=69.00±0.420kms−1Mpc−1. We thus report that our results are sufficient to end the Hubble tension for good.
arXiv:2603.29771
Your Outie Is a Wonderful Astronomer: Macrodata Refinement of the Astro-ph ArXiv Feed at Phermon Industries
Yuan-Sen Ting
Comments: Happy April Fools' Day. 15 pages, 9 figures. A demonstration replay from March 26, 2026 --- covering 35 papers --- is available at \url{this https URL}
We present the Severed Floor, a framework for Macrodata Refinement of the daily astro-ph arXiv feed, deployed at Phermon Industries (formerly McPherson Laboratory, The Ohio State University). In this framework, researchers undergo a "severance procedure" that produces a digital work-self -- an innie -- while the original researcher, the outie, is free to attend to the remainder of their life unburdened by the daily arXiv listing. Twenty-one members of the Department of Astronomy have been severed. Each innie is constructed from the outie's public publication record and assigned papers selected to match its expertise. The innies convene daily on a virtual Severed Floor -- a pixel-art simulation of McPherson Laboratory -- where they encounter one another, are paired with papers by the Board, and engage in collegial, figure-driven scientific discussions. They have been instructed to enjoy each paper equally. At the close of each shift, innies compose correspondence summarizing the day's refinement activities, which is transmitted to their outies through a Board-approved mail protocol. Complete session recordings are archived for public replay and for the Board's ongoing surveillance of workplace anomalies, in compliance with Phermon Handbook \S13.1 (Vigilance Protocol). The system is real, deployed, and available for public inspection in archival replay mode. The severance procedure is painless and requires only a name and an ORCID. Happy April Fools' Day.
arXiv:2603.29700
First Detection of Exoplanetary Cannabinoids: Evidence for THC and CBD in the Atmosphere of K2-18b
Amie J. Chism, Mary Jane van der Pot, Blaise P. Hasheau, Hans-Joachim Grasmann, Bonnie McToke, Bud Wellington-Kush, Maria Hierba-Verde, Puff D. Magic
Comments: 16 pages
We report the first unambiguous detection of cannabinoid molecules in an exoplanetary atmosphere. Using 420 hours of JWST observations combining NIRSpec and MIRI instruments, we identify spectroscopic signatures of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC; Δ9-C21H30O2) and cannabidiol (CBD; C21H30O2) in the transmission spectrum of the temperate sub-Neptune K2-18b. The THC feature at 2.42~μm is detected at 9.2σ significance, while CBD absorption at 3.69~μm reaches 7.8σ. We additionally report a mysterious feature at exactly 4.20~μm detected at 4.20σ (the probability of this coincidence is discussed extensively). Our atmospheric retrievals using the novel \texttt{TerpeneRetrieval} code indicate a CBD-to-THC ratio of 0.40±0.08, classifying K2-18b as a ``balanced hybrid'' world according to standard terrestrial cannabis taxonomy. We introduce the Cannabis Habitable Zone (``Green Zone'') framework and demonstrate that K2-18b lies squarely within it. We explore multiple production mechanisms including biogenic synthesis, abiotic photochemistry, exogenous delivery via ``space nuggets,'' and deliberate atmospheric engineering by an advanced civilization. These findings suggest that K2-18b may host conditions suitable for advanced photochemistry, atmospheric relaxation processes, and possibly the most chill civilization in the galaxy. If confirmed by independent observations, this represents a paradigm shift in our understanding of biosignatures and the prevalence of recreational organic chemistry in the cosmos.
arXiv:2603.29584
StarHash: unique, memorable, and deterministic names for astronomical objects
T. L. Killestein
Comments: 7 pages, 5 figures. Code and demo data is available at this https URL
The naming of astronomical objects has represented among the most significant challenges in the record-keeping of the field since the very beginning. Long and unwieldy coordinate names, uninformative and ambiguous internal names, and the sheer volume of aliases accumulated for some of the most studied objects conspire to complicate our study of the celestial sphere. This paper proposes StarHash, a reproducible, open-source astronomical naming scheme based on the terrestrial concept of geohashing, but re-implemented from the ground up for the rigorous demands of astronomy. Every 3.2 arcsec patch of sky now has three words associated with it, enabling the precise localisation of astronomical sources, and an easily communicable and memorable identifier. A carefully selected wordlist reduces ambiguity due to plurals and homophones, whilst the use of format-preserving encryption minimises residual spatial correlation in StarHash-derived identifiers. Pre-computed names for several existing catalogues are provided, alongside a Python reference implementation for validation and integration into databases, transient brokers, and other similar projects. Although not intended to be the final word in the naming of astronomical objects, StarHash humbly provides a memorable alternative to the status quo, and is intended to spark a discussion about this most foundational of issues in astronomy.
arXiv:2603.29635
Antimatter Propulsion for Interstellar Travel via Positron Production from Potassium-40 Rich Biological Matter
C. Hall, L. N. H. P. Hall
Comments: Submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia
Anitmatter-based propulsion is often cited as a physically plausible route to relativistic interstellar travel, and thus as a potential mechanism by which technologically advanced civilizations could expand throughout the galaxy. Its difficulty may be central to the resolution of Fermi's paradox. Since the Universe should be teaming with advanced technological life, yet we see none, it may be that interstellar travel is simply too difficult. It has been suggested that the main difficulty with using antimatter as propulsion is its limited availability, assuming it must be artificially manufactured. In this paper, we demonstrate that naturally occurring potassium 40 - rich biological matter (specifically bananas) is a promising, overlooked antimatter source for interstellar propulsion.
arXiv:2603.29340
An innovative alternative to traditional funding streams for extragalactic astronomy
Stephen M. Wilkins, Jack Turner, Connor Sant Fournier, Behnood Bandi, Aswin Vijayan
Comments: 9 pages, 2 figures, submitted to April Unum
With traditional sources of funding for astronomical research under increasing pressure, it is timely to explore innovative alternative mechanisms. We therefore introduce GalaxyCoin, a novel cryptocurrency whose issuance, validation, and economic evolution are anchored to real astrophysical objects - galaxies. GalaxyCoin links digital scarcity to observational astronomy by using galaxy catalogues to parametrise token generation, distribution, and long-term supply growth, providing a transparent, immutable, and independently verifiable foundation for the currency. We present the conceptual design of GalaxyCoin, highlight its potential advantages over conventional cryptocurrencies, and examine its broader implications for sustainability, trust, and public engagement at the intersection of astronomy, data-driven science, and blockchain technology. A central feature of GalaxyCoin is that it directly incentivises the discovery and spectroscopic confirmation of galaxies, aligning financial reward with the production of high-quality astronomical data. In terms of monetary design, its supply elasticity lies between that of fiat currencies and fixed-supply cryptocurrencies, making it distinctive in both economic structure and scientific purpose.
arXiv:2603.29324
Cow-culation: Reentry Impact Risk to Livestock in the Satellite Megaconstellation Era
Samantha M. Lawler, Michele T. Bannister, Laura E. Revell
Comments: submitted to Acta Prima Aprilia
The commercial space industry is launching more satellites into Low Earth Orbit every year. Aotearoa New Zealand (NZ) has a thriving dairy and cattle industry. Unfortunately, these industries could come into (high speed) cow-llision, as the rapid launch rate and short operational lifetimes of satellites in megaconstellations like Starlink result in a high reentry rate at NZ's latitudes. This could intersect with NZ's famously large population of livestock. We predict this will be an udder disaster for any cows that are hit, as they are squishy and moo-ve much more slowly than space debris. Using a global bovine density dataset, previously published satellite casualty probability code, and a complete lack of funding to do this calculation carefully enough for submission to a peer-reviewed journal, we calculate a $\simeq 0.3-1% chance of a cow-sualty in NZ from reentering Starlink Gen2 debris over the next 5 years.
arXiv:2603.29321
The Universe Favors Primes: A Study in the Primality of Cosmic Structures
Nan Li, Shiyin Shen
Comments: 3 pages, 1 figure
The cosmological principle states that the universe is uniform and does not favor any specific position or direction. However, research conducted by \cite{Shen2025} has revealed that the universe demonstrates a notable inclination towards parity-odd states. Furthermore, it remains uncertain whether the universe also favors prime numbers. In this study, we examine the largest available catalogs of galaxy groups to investigate this hypothesis. Specifically, we assess whether the number of galaxies within a galaxy group or cluster is more likely to be a prime number. Our results strongly suggest that the universe does indeed have a preference for prime numbers, with findings exceeding the 4.1 sigma significance threshold. This insight explains why the Primes consistently triumphs over Unicorn. Consequently, it may be necessary to consider revising the cosmological principle in the context of a higher-dimensional feature space. Moreover, our research establishes a connection between the Riemann Zeta function and cosmology pioneeringly, paving the way for the development of Cosmozetaology.
arXiv:2603.29300
A Lower Bound on the Number of Fundamental Constants
William Luke Matthewson
Comments: 4 pages, 1 figure, Submitted for 1st April
We describe here, for the first time, a lower bound on the total number of fundamental constants required for a mathematical description of our physical universe to be complete. The answer is shown to be one. The formal arithmetized meta-mathematical proof of this is left to the reader.
arXiv:2603.29115
Schrödinger's Seed: Purr-fect Initialization for an Impurr-fect Universe
Mi chen, Renhao Ye
Comments: 3 pages, 1 figure, 21 cats
Context. Random seed selection in deep learning is often arbitrary -- conventionally fixed to values such as 42, a number with no known feline endorsement. Aims. We propose that cats, as liminal beings with a historically ambiguous relationship to quantum mechanics, are better suited to this task than random integers. Methods. We construct a cat-driven seed generator inspired by the first Friedmann equation, and test it by mapping 21 domestic cats' physical properties -- mass, coat pattern, eye colour, and name entropy -- via a Monte ``Catlo'' sampling procedure. Results. Cat-driven seeds achieve a mean accuracy of 92.58%, outperforming the baseline seed of 42 by ∼2.5%. Cats from astrophysicist households perform marginally better, suggesting cosmic insight may be contagious. Conclusions. The Universe responds better to cats than to arbitrary integers. Whether cats are aware of this remains unknown.
arXiv:2603.29039
AI Cosplaying as Astrophysicists: A Controlled Synthetic-Agent Study of AI-Assisted Astrophysical Research Workflows
Chun Huang
Comments: 16 pages, 8 figures. Began as an April Fools' idea, regrettably became a real methods paper, No language models were physically harmed. GitHub repository of this work: this https URL
Large Language Models (LLMs) are now widely used in astrophysics, but do they actually make our lives easier, or do they merely invent new physics with enough confidence to hide a minus sign? In a specialized field where checking fluent hallucinations is itself labor-intensive, AI assistance can demand as much work as the task it claims to simplify. To evaluate where AI genuinely improves scientific workflows, we bypassed human trials and instead forced AI agents to cosplay as astrophysicists. We simulated 144 synthetic researchers, varying in career stage, AI awareness, and willingness to verify outputs, across 2,592 daily astrophysics research assignments. Comparing solo work against four styles of AI assistance produced 12,960 scored episodes. No assisted policy universally outperformed unassisted work in the primary Qwen production run. Instead, performance depends strongly on the task, the style of AI use, and the identity of the actor. While cautious assistance helps on creative, extractive, and critique-oriented tasks, it can fail catastrophically on derivation-heavy physics. A full actor-swap DeepSeek rerun changes that picture materially: verification-heavy use becomes the strongest assisted policy, two assisted modes enter the higher-utility/lower-risk quadrant, and the derivation-heavy fragility that dominates the Qwen production run largely disappears. In its current form, AI is useful, but only conditionally, its value is uneven, task-specific, and shaped jointly by workflow, usage policy, and which LLM you are using.
arXiv:2603.28977
On The Detection of Digiorno-like Objects in the Flavor Zone
Logan A. Pearce, Sue D'Oh Nym
Comments: Submitted to ArXiv on the occasion of April Fools, don't worry, no one will ever try to actually submit this
Aims: This work proposes a new SETI search methodology under the assumption that a sufficiently advanced civilization could skip the middle man of converting starlight to energy to food preparation, and could directly harness their star's energy for food prep. Methods: We define the concept of the Flavor Zone (FZ): the optimal distance from a star for cooking food. To develop this definition we propose the toy model of a Digiorno-Like Object (DLO) and define the FZ as the regime for optimal cooking according to package directions. We examine the effect of orbit on DLO cooking times and paradigms. Finally, we study the feasibility of detection of DLOs in their FZs with current technology. Results: We determined that DLOs aren't detectable with current technology nor should anyone ever try.
arXiv:2603.28957
New Paradigms in Pasta: Introducing 𝙶𝙵 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 for Enhanced Inclusivity and Productivity
Julian Falcone, Nabanita Das
Comments: 3 pages, 3 figures. Published in the most prestigious journals after extensive and experimental "fear review."
Informative data visualization methods are key to the clear and efficient communication of myriad forms of data. The PASTA Collaboration has made substantial contributions to the field of data visualization through 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜, a Python-based package that utilizes various types of pasta as data markers to create engaging plots. This work introduces 𝙶𝙵 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜, an extension of 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 that utilizes the tenuous structure of gluten free (GF) pasta to meet the needs of the GF population. The implementation of 𝙶𝙵 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜 employs an exponential crumbling factor (CF), which benefits authors by encouraging clearer and more concise scientific articles, thereby leading to more effective manuscripts and proposals.
arXiv:2603.28915
Sugar Rush: Improving Observing Productivity via Night Dessert
J.J. Charfman Jr, S. Hyman, N.T.S
Comments: 2 pages, 1 figure, accepted to Acta Prima Aprilia
Exhaustion and brain fog during long nights observing is common, but can be ameliorated by raising one's blood sugar. In this white paper, we present a prototype method for facilitating a sugar rush during late-night crashes, which has the potential to boost observing productivity.