Betrayal by trust: what did you learn

[gjonesy]

I wonder how is it possible that we don't see what's going on from the start. Why do we trust such people?
I don't know.
Maybe we desperately need to believe someone

I think its just human nature to give anyone we (like) the benefit of the doubt. But in reality there may be people right in front of you (perhaps just an acquaintance) that for trivial reasons "looks, personality , attitude ect" that we just don't really click with but that are completely trustworthy. But for the afore mentioned reasons we do not give them that same benefit of the doubt.

 

[Sophia]

I think its just human nature to give anyone we (like) the benefit of the doubt. But in reality there may be people right in front of you (perhaps just an acquaintance) that for trivial reasons "looks, personality , attitude ect" that we just don't really click with but that are completely trustworthy. But for the afore mentioned reasons we do not give them that same benefit of the doubt.

That's a nice thought.
The funny thing is that it takes such a long time until we really get to know the person. I think it was Lisa who said it was 10-12 years. Sometimes it's shorter or longer , but really, it's quite a long time.
It's a pity that sometimes we spend many years with the wrong person, while not giving a chance to the right ones.
But that's life I guess. We all learn all the time.

 

[Psinter]

I had a similar experience this summer with my friend.
We have known each other since 5th grade and we were close. When we were kids we had similar temperaments but as we got over, she got more outgoing and sanguinc /choleric while I changed to be more phlegmatic with anxiety which was caused both by genetics and external reasons.
We only saw each other once a week or so because both of us went to other towns but we still had a lot in common, sharing our secrets together, going for walks, swimming when we got a chance. When she was with me, she was really very OK and calm, but she talked about the hysterical scenes that she made to her boyfriends and she laughed how she humiliated them. I found it strange and often times I was on the boys side, but I thought it was something she would only do to a boy.
But only after I think about it in retrospective, I've learned very fast to not speak about my different opinions with her. I was always submissive to her. But I still considered her to be a good friend, and she was definitely the only friend I had in this area.
This summer we spent a holiday together and our opposite temperaments fully showed up. I will not say whose fault it was because I made mistakes too.
I was really anxious in a new environment with a few panic attacks which she didn't understand and accused me of being boring and weird. There was also another person who likes humiliating others so they played a few jokes on me, trying to put me down and to "see how I will react". The were things such as trying to forcefully unbottom my shirt in the pub (they only had one beer). Than when I was having a shower they hid the shirt and I never found it again. They did it because the shirt was too modest and they wanted me to show my decolt. They also took my phone and tried to put a picture of penis on my fb. And similar things all the time. They behaved like 13 yo bullies.
I couldn't wait to get home. After the return I received a long mail from this girl where she wrote about all my negative characteristics and how I disappointed her etc.

I learned that even if someone appears to behave kindly to you, but you see them being cruel to others, as my friend talked about hurting her boyfriend, be sure they will behave the same way to you one day.

Wow, your friend is terrible. I'm so sorry it turned out that way. I have no lessons to share with you, I'm as empty as one can get. Although what your friend did truly indignates me. And if it hurts, that's something I can understand and feel too.

I'm taking notes: Not speak so fast of your own opinion with people. Got that. If conditions are appropriate, people will behave with you the same way they behave with other people.

When you trust someone with information of a sensitive nature that can be greatly consequential to you personally if reveled to others , what you are doing in essence is handing them complete control and power over you. The only living person I trust that much now is myself.

Truth has been spoken. It pierces through my chest because it happened to me. I reported my so called 'friend' and accomplices to the respective authorities. The case is being reviewed, but she has a lot of money, and I guess we all know how law treats people with money.

I wonder how is it possible that we don't see what's going on from the start. Why do we trust such people?
I don't know.
Maybe we desperately need to believe someone.

Wow, so much feel in those statements. And so much truth.

 

[gjonesy]

Truth has been spoken. It pierces through my chest because it happened to me. I reported my so called 'friend' and accomplices to the respective authorities. The case is being reviewed, but she has a lot of money, and I guess we all know how law treats people with money.

I hope you get the justice you deserve.

 

[Psinter]

I hope you get the justice you deserve.

Thanks.

 

[Sophia]

Only one comment to your notes concerning opinions.
I think it is not good to totally hide your opinions and feelings from others. If you don't reveal anything, you may become too mysterious and people may not trust you or become close to you.
You need to try how each person reacts to different opinions. Some like to discuss things as adults, others start arguing and shouting.
With the first category, you may discuss almost all your opinions and form a deeper relationship.
This is the mistake I made. I shared some opinions with the wrong person. When we were 18 and voted for the first time I told her who I support and a few days later her mother called me for coffee and talked why my decision was wrong and who I should vote for. I was still too shy at that age so I was quiet but so angry inside! My mistake was that I suppressed such things because I didn't have any other friends in this town. And she was so kind and funny most of the time.
But on the other hand, I've got a friend I know she is a very good person because we lived together for 8 years at the dorm . But she never talks about herself (she read some religious books and I think she thinks talking about herself is selfish) even when I ask. This creates distance between us because I don't know almost anything about her. This is not good either. This is also a type of boundary that could harm a relationship.
You have to find the right balance with each person individually. Test on smaller less important things first.

 

[Psinter]

I think it is not good to totally hide your opinions and feelings from others. If you don't reveal anything, you may become too mysterious and people may not trust you or become close to you.

Or worse, make up things about you and because you are all mysterious other people will believe it straight out of the bat. Even if it's a blatant lie. I totally agree there.

I found this (it's an analogy, we all know humans are not objects):

 

[Derek Francis]

I've been burned a lot by mean people in grade school, and that's why I'm able to avoid toxic relationships as an adult.

One key thing I've learned is reciprocation. When I do favors for people, they are supposed to return the favor. If they don't, I won't do any more favors for them.

At the same time, it's also not a good thing to be passive and just wait for the other person to reach out to you. Sometimes people are shy and you have to reach out to them a few times and do a few nice things for them before they trust you. But after a certain point, if I'm putting in most of the work, then I just leave.

 

[Hornbein]

Betrayal by lust. Natural causes, man.

 

[wolram]

I was bitten once now i do not trust many people.

 

[Psinter]

I was bitten once now i do not trust many people.

Seems about correct to me.

I wasn't expecting this thread to be revived.

 

[Stephenk53]

I learned that it's best to trust very few people but I also learned you should never shut yourself off from others because that can sometimes hurt more than betrayal. Overall I learned its best to be careful who you trust but often you must trust someone even if you don't think it is a neccesity

Edit: I also learned its best to check the age of a thread before posting to it months after it's last response