Conversation about defensive behaviour?

[DanP]

Sometimes there are better or different ways to cope with other peoples' behaviour that I may not be aware of.

So true. Many different ways and what works for me will probably not work very well for someone with a different personality.

One's own reaction to other peoples' behaviour can frequently make a huge difference in how a situation plays out.

Yes. But in the end, I prefer to be myself and not copy other;s ppl behavior, no matter the consequences. I like to recognize myself when I look in a mirror, no matter that sometimes I royally screw things up :P

You can all go to hell…I’m going to Texas
Col. Davy Crockett

 

[GeorginaS]

I suppose, then, we have different approaches, Dan. I think of asking for ideas from other people, because I regard ideas as tools, techniques, and skills to learn. I don't consider learning new approaches to various situations as not being myself. I'm learning new skills. It's all information.

 

[DanP]

I suppose, then, we have different approaches, Dan. I think of asking for ideas from other people, because I regard ideas as tools, techniques, and skills to learn. I don't consider learning new approaches to various situations as not being myself. I'm learning new skills. It's all information.

Turns out, some of the ideas you get from others are very cool, but to apply them would require to changes your behavior as well, because you are different by them. Similar tools work well for similar people. It really depends how open you are at changing yourself for the sake of others. And even if you are open and willing , how successful will you be at actually implementing those changes.

Why do you think in so many cases marital consultants are left with the task to get ppl accustomed with the idea they will get divorced ? And they are experts in teaching tools and techniques.

Luckily, there are many ways to skin a cat. Hope you find yours. just my 2 cents.

 

[CronoSpark]

From my experience, I now approach conversations with a gentle, but blunt attitude. That is because, like many others have posted here, you will never be able to understand the inner workings of other people. However, you do know how you feel (to a certain degree), and generally what is causing the confusion for yourself.

So, if a person becomes defensive because of what I said, I would first acknowledge that I felt (for I don't know) that they were offended, and I would ask. If they become silent or more defensive, I will simply apologize and acknowledge that I still do not know what they were defensive about, but I would like to know so I try not to speak about the trigger that bothers them again. Then we can steer the conversation elsewhere or I leave that person be. If there is too many issues that they have with regards to my conversation patterns with them, then chances are I would decrease my time with them or it would just be too difficult to maintain close-contact with the said person (I would also let them know about it, for it isn't any of our problems, it's just a problem of compatibility). The rest is their problem.

If I went about the route I did before, I would be in a situational crisis, playing out every single detail and scenario that for my entire time I would just spend thinking about how to deal with people, and less time just being myself. Putting a mask on yourself is one of the worst things you can do, especially for close-relationships.

If they like to change topics, and if the topic I was discussing was important for me, I would insist that we continuing talking about XYZ because I felt that I needed more time on it. If they go to KLM, I would just stop the conversation there, apologize, and tell them I will need to figure XYZ myself or talk to others about it, for it is still something that troubles me.

Even if I end up hurting them, I've already made effort to acknowledging my feelings and thoughts about the situation. I was being truthful to myself, while trying to acknowledge their possible feelings as well to the best of my ability. If I wore the said-mask to deal with others and dwell on it, it usually ends up with blowing up the situation to unnecessary proportions.

Another note that probably helps with what bothers you is by expecting more of yourself and less of others (as you can never be in their shoes). Every individual has their unique way of doing things, and by acknowledging that will most likely save you a lot of trouble in the long run.