Dave's Tragic Life - Tell us what you know.

[tribdog]

Anatomy of a dead end.
This is for Evo, she asked me to continue this story with something I had written and thrown away. So I’ll post what I wrote and give an explanation as to why I either stopped an idea or started over.

Dave knocked on the heavy, wooden door. A panel slid open and a pair of eyes stared at Dave. Dave could hear deep voices chanting from somewhere inside. “Squaaaaaare…graaaaannnnNNNyy…SheeeeeepShaaaaank…SLIP”
“Hi,” said Dave, “I’m here for the string tying meeting.”
“Are you wearing your string?” said the door.
A panel located about 3 feet below the first panel slid open. A voice said, “Yes, I see he is wearing a string.”
“You may enter.”

I stopped writing here because I reread what Moonbear had written and realized that Dave had already been admitted into the meeting.

Everyone inside wore monks robes. Each man had a slot in the front of their robe from which a string protruded. There were a variety of different strings (crossed this out because I thought variety of different strings was redundant). There were a variety of strings. They came in all different colors and some had been tied into elaborate designs. Dave thought about his plain piece of twine and was glad he wasn’t wearing a slotted robe.
“Let me introduce you to everyone,” said the Librarian, reaching up and grabbing a string that hung from a series of pulleys above her head. She gave two quick tugs and was rewarded by a pair of screams coming from the other side of the wall the string disappeared into.
Everyone turned at the Librarian’s signal and gathered around Dave. They began softly chanting, “Slip knots are fiiiiiiiiiNNe. Square knots are BBBEEEEtttter, but you can’t go wrong with a graaaaaaannnny.”
The Librarian spoke loudly, “This is Dave. Welcome him into the weave”
Gentle hands reached for Dave and steered him towards a large couch where they began undressing him. Other hands appeared carrying soft, pliable penis leashes.
For the first time in his pathetic life Dave felt happy, felt a sense of belonging. He knew this was the place he had been searching for his entire life.
The hands continued removing Dave’s clothing. When the hands reached Dave’s shoes he heard the entire assemblage gasp. The hands retreated and someone screamed, “VELCRO!”

I stopped here because I thought it was a long way to go for a joke that didn’t make me laugh. I decided to try getting to a joke faster.

“What would you like to try first?” asked the Librarian.
“What are my choices?”
“Well, for a beginner I would suggest you try either the Music Appreciation room or the Physical Fitness annex.”
Dave wasn’t sure which to choose. He wanted to experience everything, but he had to start somewhere. “What happens in these areas and what do Music and fitness have to do with stringiness?”
“Well,” said the Librarian, “in the Music Appreciation room your string is connected to a piano keyboard and stretched taut. Once it is properly tuned selected songs are plucked and you can accompany the tunes with screams of your own. It really is quit painful, from what I’ve been told. The Physical Fitness annex is simply an area reserved for jumping rope.”
“What does that have to do with Music appreciation or fitness?”
“Well in the first case you really come to appreciate silence and in the second, well, we’re just out of jump ropes and I’m to push newcomers into filling the need.”

I stopped here because I decided my bed looked a lot better to me than my attempts at this story did.

 

[tribdog]

sometimes it is funny to read the ads at the top of the page. Very targeted ads. "How to tie a tie" Knot Tying DVD etc.

 

[Evo]

Anatomy of a dead end.
This is for Evo, she asked me to continue this story with something I had written and thrown away. So I’ll post what I wrote and give an explanation as to why I either stopped an idea or started over.

<sniff> That's the best Christmas present ever! <sniff>

MORE!

 

[Les Sleeth]

sometimes it is funny to read the ads at the top of the page. Very targeted ads. "How to tie a tie" Knot Tying DVD etc.

I can only conclude that you feel unsatisfied with your follow-up posts ("anatomy of a dead end"), so I am going to take off from Moonbear's last post . . .

 

[Les Sleeth]

Right here, so close to home, a bright, neon sign proclaimed, "World's Largest Ball of String." There must have been thirty cats standing around, just staring. He pulled around into the driveway, and saw the lights shining through the front window of a small cottage behind the giant ball of string. Feeling confident for the first time in his life, he nearly skipped up the stairs, and knocked on the door. The librarian answered and invited him in. His eyes widened in shock as he peered into the room...

. . . because he realized he’d stepped right into the midst of a pseudoscience cult! Stay calm, he told himself, don’t panic. Act like you are one of “them.”

“Hi all,” Dave said in his most relaxed voice.

“Hi Dave!” the group answered with enthusiasm. His librarian friend tiptoed up and whispered in his ear, “I told them you are just a dope, not a genuwine scienteest. Don’t let ’em know Dave, trust yer local librarian on this one Dave.”

Dave studied the blackboard he’d seen when he walked in, and which gave away he’d stumbled into a pseudoscience cult. It said:

String Theorists fer God from Texas

Oh sh*t he thought, this is worse than I thought. And then the horrific possibility of it dawned on him . . . Math is Hard is from Texas! Is this the cult he had heard she’d accepted guruship of (downtrodden to be sure) after her humiliating defeat by a dog (or whatever) for humor guru? Campfire terror stories rumored it was a cult made up of a sick mix of addicted pussycats and . . .

His dark fears were interrupted by a cowboy-hatted cult member named Delbert who seemed to shout everything he said, “DAVE, GOOD BUDDY, CHEQUE OUT OUR LIST A FACTS PRUVIN’ STRING THEORY.”

Dave was looking alright, and fighting off the urge to heave the stinkin’ contents of his guts . The list was apparently all the ways these sickos thought string determined reality. Delbert continued, “LOOKY HERE GOOD BUDDY . . . YOU HEARD A “STRING CHEESE”? WELL, WHAT’S THE MOST DEEELICIOUSAND POPULAR FOOD THAR IS . . . PIZZA! AIN’T THAT PROOF?”

“Yyyyessss,” Dave stuttered, in fear of his life.

Delbert looked at Dave closely, scrutinizing. A dark scowl rolled across Delbert’s face. His body language turned aggressive. He scratched his balls threateningly and said, “HOW CUM I DON’T BELIEVE YA DAVE GOOD BUDDY?” YOU AIN’T NO DAMN PREVERT ARE YA, ONE THEM SIGH-EEN-TITS??”

Dave knew he’d been found out. His life flashed before his eyes, as well as formulas for GR, SR, QM . . .

 

[Les Sleeth]

. . . Dave knew he’d been found out. His life flashed before his eyes, as well as formulas for GR, SR, QM . . .

. . . and then he saw the window. Quite uncharacteristic of his normal disinclination to move, Dave dove out the window, rolled 3.14 times, and ran towards the woods in the distance.

It was dark, Dave was cold and hungry. He collapsed too weary to go on. In his semi-colon -er conscious state, he distinctly detected the qualia of . . . stew? Somehow finding the strength to look up, he saw a faint light in the distance. Crawling on hands and knees toward the light (was it God?), he struggled toward the Light. Scratching, slithering, breakin’ wind . . . expending every last bit of strength he had, Dave finally reached the Light . . . and passed out.

When he awoke he found himself around a campfire of hobos. Body odor threatened to make him retch, but the stew won out. One of the hobos asked, “want sum good buddy?”

Dave’s eyes narrowed, hair stood up on his back. Good buddy? Uh oh, he knew those words.

The hobo seemed to understand his anxiety and said, “Don’t worry good buddy, we are all former pussycat string members.”

Dave’s spirits lifted. His hope snapped back. Oh my God, fellow former good buddies!

Dave’s science mind started returning. He was curious, he wanted to disassemble things, he wanted set up an experiment . . .

 

[Les Sleeth]

. . . Dave’s science mind started returning. He was curious, he wanted to disassemble things, he wanted set up an experiment . . .

Just then he noticed all the hobos around the campfire were only in their underwear. “Uhhhh, why are all y’all (Dave trying to relate here) sittin’ ‘round in your underwear? (For the Northerners, ALL y’all is plural for y’all)

What looked like the head hobo stood up and said, “It's been hotter'n a goat's ass in a pepper patch.” Someone else added, “It's been so dry the trees have been bribing the dogs.”

Dave suddenly felt silly and said, “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”

One of the hobos saw his discomfort and said, “Have a cup of coffee. It's already been 'saucered and blowed.’”

The head hobo smiled. Encouraged by his friendliness Dave added while sipping his java, “This is gooder'n grits.”

A wave of emotion passed over everyone. Dave saw it, and believed he was starting to fit in. Even his desire to send that stew to the lab for analysis was subsiding.

The head hobo asked, “So how did you get along with Barbie-wanna-be guru MIH. Personally I found her so stuck up she'd drown in a rainstorm. Every time I tried to talk to her she pretended to be busier than a cat covering poop on a marble floor!”

Dave knew he was out of his league now. Not a single Texan saying came to mind. The head hobo stared at him, eyes flaming, hand reaching for his gun (you ain’t no Texan if you don’t have a gun). Dave was in trouble and he knew it. Feebly he attempted, “Uhhhhhh . . . I’m as country as cornflakes?”

Head hobo spit on him and said, “Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.”

Dave screamed, he ran NORTH, and decided he would now look for . . .

 

[Evo]

The cult of MIH. It was bound to happen, she deserved a guru award, it's not surprising that a rogue group of PF members have now elevated her to the High Priestess of CAT String.

Les, I never realized what a great sense of humor you have!

Alright...MORE!

 

[tribdog]

Dave screamed, he ran NORTH, and decided he would now look for . . .

...the one woman who had meant something to him. Why had he left her in the first place? Dave could remember the night clearly. He had crept, ninja-like, through the apartment. Not even a cat would have heard him as he packed his clothes into a large duffel bag. She slept as Dave gathered all his belongings. Then he had left. Why? dave was suffering another of his mental lapses. Some things were just too horrible to remember, he tried anyway. He had packed and before he left he had grabbed a Post-It note and scribbled something. As Dave ran he could still hear the hobos and their weak attempt at forming a posse to apprehend him.
"Y'all are dumber than Jethro Clampett's retarded nephew if y'all think I'm chasing anyone without puttin' on my boots."
"Y'all whine more th'n Cap'n Hook's milkin cow. Here's yer damn boots."
"Those ain't my damn boots. You idiot, those are a rock and half a bowl of stew. Y'all are blinder than a mole with glaucoma."
The voices were fading, and Dave felt it was probably safe to slow down. He thought better when he wasn't panically fleeing, and he almost remembered what he had written on that note so many years ago. How had it started? Oh yes,
Dear Heather,
Relationships like ours are based on love. That love requires a certain amount of trust. I gave you my love and my trust and you betrayed me. How could you?
How could you stick your finger in my bum? Goodbye forever.

Violatedly yours,
Dave

With the memory of the note, the entire experience flooded into Dave's head. He started screaming and running down the tracks, again, towards...

 

[tribdog]

notice how I told my part and left it without advancing the story one iota? cowardice?

 

[Les Sleeth]

Dear Heather . . . How could you stick your finger in my bum? Goodbye forever.

Violatedly yours,
Dave

With the memory of the note, the entire experience flooded into Dave's head. He started screaming and running down the tracks, again, towards...

. . . a ski lodge he’d heard about that was just 7 miles down the tracks. The whole time he ran he sensed the hobo posse was on his heels. As he passed dead rotting animals that trains had killed, he couldn’t decide if it reminded him more of the fetid hobos pursuing him or all his meat-eating acquaintances.

Snow began to gently flutter down, and then fall for real. It was eerie to watch the white symmetries float past as he ran. His artistic side made him try to imagine the patterns of flakes landing on his forehead. Lost in the mesmorizing bliss of nature, Dave smacked into a tree. Some minutes later he awoke to notice a glow in the distance. Crawling a little closer he was able to read the sputtering pink neon sign through the dense snowfall that said, “Strap-On Lodge.”

Hmmmmm. Dave stopped. He studied the place. Memories once again poured into his mind as he recalled off-hand comments Heather had made about . . .

 

[tribdog]

Hmmmmm. Dave stopped. He studied the place. Memories once again poured into his mind as he recalled off-hand comments Heather had made about . . .

her role in a 5-state multiple killing spree. That Heather, she did love to talk, and maim, but mostly talk. The more Dave stared at the lodge the more memories flooded into his head, but there was one memory that was more vivid than all the rest. Dave recalled vividly that he had never been here before. He looked over towards the fountain near the front entrance. That's the place, he thought, that's the place where I will be walking towards for the first time ever. He turned in a circle, overcome with thoughts of the special places he was now remembering having never been. There, that light, I remember not having seen it before. I remember not seeing that light attached to that train I wasn't aware of. Dave looked at his feet remembering that this was the spot he was going to be standing when that train hit him in a matter of seconds.
The last thing Dave heard before losing consciousness was "...tell me to press the brakes, brakes is fer dentists ta fix yer teeth, just help me stop this here train 'fore I smash into that thar idiot standin on the tracks like some injun listnin fer the Iron buffalo. Ooops. Nevermind"

 

[Les Sleeth]

He turned in a circle, overcome with thoughts of the special places he was now remembering having never been. There, that light, I remember not having seen it before. I remember not seeing that light attached to that train I wasn't aware of. Dave looked at his feet remembering that this was the spot he was going to be standing when that train hit him in a matter of seconds.
The last thing Dave heard before losing consciousness was "...tell me to press the brakes, brakes is fer dentists ta fix yer teeth, just help me stop this here train 'fore I smash into that thar idiot standin on the tracks like some injun listnin fer the Iron buffalo. Ooops. Nevermind"

WHAM!

As Dave flew through the air, he struggled to understand why this place he had never been seemed so, so, so . . . what was the word he was searching for? He couldn't remember.

Maybe he'd put it all behind him, yet some part of him felt compelled to explore the Strap On lodge by going in the back door. He didn't want to over analyze (or did he?). His experiences with the bears came to mind, but why? Heather, that wicked woman had ruined him somehow and he was determined to get to the bottom of it!

Dave limped up to the rear entrance, and just as he was about sneak inside he had an irresistable craving for fondue. Remembering another place he'd never been down the tracks, Dave once again headed north hoping to find what he was looking for. On the way he ran into two dogs and a cat trying to get home, but they wouldn't let him travel with them. That hurt his feelings and made him loose his appetite for fondue. "Hmmmmm," Dave thought with tears in his eyes, "this night is NOT working out."

Finally Dave decided that, being a scientist and all, maybe he should look for some undiscovered species of animal that only comes out in snow storms at night. Yes! As he headed for a cave off in the distance, he started to feel the bad luck that had plagued the old Dave was over. Little did Dave know that in the cave waited . . .

 

[Chronos]

... a mysterious note duct taped to a detatched, injection molded head. Only the last 3 characters of the inscription remained legible... "OOM".

 

[tribdog]

, he started to feel the bad luck that had plagued the old Dave was over. Little did Dave know that in the cave waited . . .

...Adam West, Frank Oz (wearing a Miss Piggy muppet on his right arm), and Lt. Com. Data from Star Trek. They were sitting around a table playing cards. When Dave walked in Adam West said, "Glad you could make it. Have a seat."
Dave replied, "Next to the pig?"
Miss Piggy said, "Hiiiiiiya!" and karate chopped Dave right below his forehead. Dave was suprised by how little pain he felt.
"Ha! didn't even hurt," he said laughing, "I guess ol' Kermit has been faking it all these years. Please oh please don't hit me with your soft muppet hand."
Frank Oz poked Dave in the eye, "Got any more smart comments?" he said.
"No sir," said Dave rubbing his eye. "What are you all doing here?"
Data said, "We are here because..."
Adam West cut him off, "because you need guidance in your journey."
"I see," said Dave, "and you are going to provide me with that guidance?"
"That," said Data, "is wha..."
"That is what we do." Adam West said.
Frank Oz took a look at the expression on Data's face and slowly backed his chair away from the table.
"You may think of us," Data tried again, "as yo..."
"Just think of us as your fairy godmothers." said Adam. there was a sudden flash of light and Mr. West was gone leaving nothing but a small pile of smoking ash in his chair.
"What happened to STUN?" asked Miss Piggy.
"You want a piece of me you porkish slut?" screamed Data.
"No, no. Sorry. I was just wondering who's going to take Adam's place." Miss Piggy held her breath, hoping Data wouldn't take offense with her comments. You never can tell with these damn androids she thought, never should have gotten rid of the ol' reliable human hand in butt models.
Data paused, looking for something to get mad about, but couldn't find anything. "I think David Hasselhoff is free or maybe Yoda. How about that Heisenberg guy. He's been begging for a chance to do some counseling. Yeah, let's give Heisie a chance."
Mr. Heisenberg walked into the cave, "Should I sit here?" he asked, pointing to Adam West's chair. "No, maybe I should stand but that would be stupid I'll just sit. Unless you don't think I should. I really can stand it wouldn't bother me in the slightest."
"SIT DOWN!" yelled Data fingering his phaser. "Now I remember why you don't do much counseling."
"Okay," said Dave, trying to get everyone to focus. "I'll start, What should I do with my life."
"Well, I'm not sure about that one," Heisenberg thought about it for a little while. "Nope I'm not sure about that at all." There was a sudden flash of light again.
Data spoke, "Can I have my phaser back Miss Piggy?"
"Of course." She replied. "Data, what do you think? Should we call it a day? I'm in the mood for a hot frog injection, and if I don't get to Kermie before he goes to sleep I won't be getting my RDA of his tadpoles, if you know what I mean."
"good idea, let's go." Data grabbed Miss Piggy by the hand and walked out of the cave dragging her behind him.
"..." said Dave, struggling to form a word, "...?..." He couldn't believe what had just happened. He really needed guidance right about now. He looked over at Frank Oz. "...??"
"Don't ask me." said Frank. "I just do the voices. If it ain't written down I don't say anything. It doesn't really matter though, being that you are still unconscious and this is all a dream."
Dave woke up and looked around. A dream? he thought. Then he caught the smell of frying bacon and heard the unmistakable sound of a frog screaming in orgasmic pleasure. Was it a dream?
"

 

[Les Sleeth]

"You want a piece of me you porkish slut?" screamed Data.
. . . Mr. Heisenberg walked into the cave, "Should I sit here?" he asked, pointing to Adam West's chair. "No, maybe I should stand but that would be stupid I'll just sit. Unless you don't think I should. I really can stand it wouldn't bother me in the slightest."
"SIT DOWN!" yelled Data fingering his phaser. "Now I remember why you don't do much counseling." . . . "Of course." She replied. "Data, what do you think? Should we call it a day? I'm in the mood for a hot frog injection, and if I don't get to Kermie before he goes to sleep I won't be getting my RDA of his tadpoles, if you know what I mean.""

Inspired! I'll need time to live up to that one. Loved the Heisenberg joke, still chuckling. Of course Tom will probably step in and explain how his indecisiveness has nothing to do with uncertainty. But what the hell's wrong with you boy, got nuthin' better to do at 2:45 AM?

 

[Les Sleeth]

... a mysterious note duct taped to a detatched, injection molded head. Only the last 3 characters of the inscription remained legible... "OOM".

Sorry Chronos, I think your contribution got overlooked. I'll work it in for the next post.

 

[Les Sleeth]

Dave woke up and looked around. A dream? he thought. Then he caught the smell of frying bacon and heard the unmistakable sound of a frog screaming in orgasmic pleasure. Was it a dream?

The dankness of the cave bothered Dave’s allergies, but it offered the only shelter from the snowstorm raging outside. The vivid memory of his wacky “guidance” team weighed heavily on his mind. Was it just a nonsensical dream, or was there meaning to be taken from it all?

Dave reviewed some of the comments hoping for clues to guide him. First and foremost there were the implications of uncertainty which held particular meaning for Dave (being a scientist and all); that beyond doubt put the dream on solid scientific ground. Frank Oz had been there, and of course “Oz” is the land of the great wizard; plus it was a dream, just like it had been for Dorothy. Adam West had said “think of us as your fairy godmothers.” Might they represent the good and bad Witches in the merry old land of Oz? What could it mean?

Just then, Dave again heard the sound he’d earlier thought was a frog’s orgasmic pleasure, except now it sounded strangely backwards and to come from deep within the recesses of the cave. Frightened and fascinated at the same time, he was frozen by indecision. If he had just one more clue, something that could not possibly be misinterpreted . . .

And then he saw it. A bit further back in the cave, duct taped to a detached, injection molded head was a mysterious note. Only the last 3 characters of the inscription remained legible... "OOM." Hmmmmm. There was no mistaking it, that was Moo spelled backwards; that combined with the backward-sounding scream Dave had heard forced him to admit there just might be a new species of animal in that cave. Ecstatic, he just KNEW his luck was changing. He’d be famous, he’d be taken seriously, he’d be able to get chicks . . . :!)

For protection Dave picked up the large detached, injection molded head and cautiously walked back into the darkness of the cave. About 60 feet back stood a cow, with a strange “chiseled” look, all by itself. The weird looking cow turned its big brown eyes toward Dave and said “oooooooom, ooooooooom.” Dave’s heart was deeply touched and he resolved to accept this poor backward cow (actually, a woc) as his best friend. They’d be inseparable, and go on adventures together. Dave named her Otot.

Dave and his now trusty companion Otot continued together deeper into the cave. Dave’s mind was racing, wondering what could possibly make a cow backwards when suddenly they fell, and kept falling, spinning, falling, spinning. Holding tight to the detached, injection molded head, he and Otot passed spent frogs on the way, what looked like Heather strapped for action, the Evo-look alike librarian laughing insanely while furiously pedaling a stationary bike, MIH snapping a cat-o-nine tails, Otot was crying “Oooooooom , ooooooom in panic . . .

Then they crashed. When Dave regained consciousness, a bunch of chiseled-looking blue giants were dancing around him singing, “dong ding the witch wicked, dong ding the witch wicked is dead.” Otot ooooomed, and then Dave saw Miss Piggy floating above him with what looked like a magic Billy club.

“I am the Good Wicked of the North, even though I look like a pig. Better take those, they must hold great power,” Miss Piggy said pointing. Dave looked and saw that beneath the detached, injection molded head were a pair of feet wearing, wearing wearing . . . OMG! Those were MIH’s big pink fluffy pussycat slippers! He’d killed her!

Unexpectedly all the pieces fell together for Dave. The backward cow, the chiseled giants, a good wicked . . . this was Bizarro Oz, where everything was backward. Dave had always thought Bizarro only occurred on Kryptonite, in Superman’s world. But here it was, impossible to deny. Dave had to get home somehow, he missed Enoch.

Just then a blue giant came and said, “Better take those pink pussycat slippers like the pig, er, Good Wicked said. They are magical.” So Dave put them on, and modeled them for Otot who oooooooomed in approval.

“How can I get home,” Dave asked the Bizarro giant.

He said, “The only thing I can think of is maybe the Gizzard of Zoo can help you.”

Rolling his eyes Dave inquired, “okay, don’t tell me, just follow the . . .”

“Yep,” the Bizarro giant answered, “follow the pink powderpuff road.”

With that all the blue giants started singing “follow the powderpuff road, follow the powderpuff road, follow the, follow the, follow the . . .”

Dave dutifully skipped along the powderpuff road and Otot, his ever faithful cow, trotted happily behind, udders swinging joyfully from side to side. He was wondering what sorts of adventures were in store for him and Otot, and if he’d ever get back to his home in the Vermont woods when . . .

 

[BobG]

…. an extremely handsome, chiseled form of masculinity stepped from the shadows of the woods – even more handsome than Enoch. Was this a Greek god come back to usher Dave into his Greek fantasy?

Uh, no, actually his name was Ken. And he had a horrifying story to tell.

“I think you made a big mistake, Dave. All your life, you’ve thought you’re the unluckiest man alive, but little do you know you haven’t had any bad luck at all ….. at least up until now you scrawny little cur.

Once I had a thing with MIH. Oh, sure, obviously it was just for show …. Mainly a romance staged by Matel to boost sales. Admittedly, my getting Skipper pregnant and the trouble we had keeping that a secret didn’t help our relationship any, but, still, it hurt when she ran off with G.I. Joe in that Toyota. How do you think that made me look. I looked like a metrosexual wimp, that’s how it made me look! Him and that Kung-Fu Death Grip. Ha! You know, if I didn’t have to take care of my hair, I would shown him a Kung-Fu Death Grip.

But there was one thing Joe didn’t count on. I invested my money wisely and then…. Zoings! I bought up majority stock in Hasbro. I was the one behind the decision to shrink G.I. Joe from a virile 12” action figure down to the 3” dwarf you see on the shelves today!

But, a fat lot of good it did me, because the Batman action figure was next in line. She chewed him up and spit him out, spoiling Robin’s virginity in the process.

But, finally, with sales sagging, she came back to me. But not like the old days. Now it was threesomes with Wonder Woman (not that I minded, actually - I kind of like brunettes). But as soon as profits had recovered, she was tired of us both and had moved on to Muppets. Why do you think Miss Piggy was in on the plot? Why do you think Kermit was part of this story? Heck has no fury like a woman scorned (I am the wholesome Ken, after all, none of that blue language, for me).

Finally, our rift was so deep we couldn’t keep it under wraps any longer. She dumped me, out of a job, reputation soiled, nothing left to live for. For five months, I lived in the cellar of our Malibu dream house, dejected and broken, contemplating the different ways a plastic figure could commit suicide.

It was Madge who finally pulled me out of that cellar of despair, who gave me hope for a new life. We had to secretly vow marriage to each other, terrified of what wrath Matel might dish out. Once deprecated by Matel, you’re supposed to stay out of the lime light, totally invisible, lest it detract from the aura of Matel’s star toy. We had to find a way to end it all, the Matel empire and all its trappings, in order to live our lives in security, and waited patiently for just the right patsy.

Yeah, that’s right. We set you up, Dave. The henchmen and lawyers of Matel are on your trail, now, and there’s no escape. Better start running, Dave.”

Edit: For those interested, this what Ken and his friends are up to today (presuming his plot succeeds, of course). Downright scary. http://www.manbehindthedoll.com/NKNEWS.htm

 

[Les Sleeth]

…. an extremely handsome, chiseled form of masculinity stepped from the shadows of the woods – even more handsome than Enoch. Was this a Greek god come back to usher Dave into his Greek fantasy?. . .
Yeah, that’s right. We set you up, Dave. The henchmen and lawyers of Matel are on your trail, now, and there’s no escape. Better start running, Dave.”

Oh goody, another sicko contributer! Funny.

I seem to be the only one around today without relatives to visit. If no one else answers first I'll try to.

 

[Les Sleeth]

…. an extremely handsome, chiseled form of masculinity stepped from the shadows of the woods – even more handsome than Enoch. Was this a Greek god come back to usher Dave into his Greek fantasy?. . .
Yeah, that’s right. We set you up, Dave. The henchmen and lawyers of Matel are on your trail, now, and there’s no escape. Better start running, Dave.”

Dave couldn’t believe his ears. Here he’d expected the tin man as a traveling companion, and instead gets Ken. Wait! Wait a dang minute. This was Bizarro land, could it be . . .

Dave's scientific mind took over, figuring out what any other fool would've missed. This was Ken, and Ken was a man. Simple math. Ken + man = Kenman. Eureka, it was a Bizarro tinman equivalent. Now all Dave had to do was get Kenman to accept the obvious.

“MAN, that’s some cold sh*t Ken. Ken, is it possible MAN you might be in need of a heart?”

“I don’t need no stinkin’ heart lab boy.”

“But Ken, think about it MAN. Here we are together in the merry old land of Zoo, you are the first person I run into, and you are a heartless bastard. Don’t you see? You are destined to come with me to see the Gizzard and ask for a heart! And the Gizzard is going to help me get home to Vermont.”

“Well maybe. I have been in law school.”

“See there Ken MAN, proof of heartlessness if there ever was!”

“You must be right Dave. Let’s follow the powderpuff road to Zirconland where the Gizzard lives and ask him to help us. But there’s one thing I don’t understand Dave. Why don’t you just click your slippers together and say ‘there’s no place like home’ three times and go now?”

“Duuuuuuh, I already tried that KenMAN. Fluffy pink pussycat slippers don’t click. Kenman, just a suggestion . . . let’s wait for the scarecrow for the brains. Okay dude?”

Ken, a man, now fully accepting the obvious, began to think of himself as Kenman.

With a new companion for the journey, Dave, Kenman, and Otot returned gleefully singing to the powerpuff road, “Ohhhhhh, we’re off to see the Gizzard, the blundering Gizzard of Zoo, if ever there was a Gizzard . . .

Twilight was upon them and it wasn’t long before . . .

 

[tribdog]

they came upon a lion. A mad, lion. A mad, bad, full blown steroid rage suffering lion.
Dave smiled, he knew what to do. "You see, Ken, I've seen this movie so many times I know it by heart. This here lion needs to find some courage, he's a coward."
"Let me talk to him," said Ken. Ken approached the lion and held out a hand. "How do you do? My name is..."
"WAIT!" shouted Dave, "I forgot that everything here is backwards. Don't go near that homicidal cat!" Too late. Dave jumped into a nearby tree and called down to Ken. "Don't worry, he's not actually swallowing most of the pieces and I can see several large pieces of your torso. We'll be able to put you back together. Oh, oh geez. I'd always heard that could be done to an eye socket, but that's the first time I've ever seen it accomplished. Oh, oh no. Don't do it Mr. Lion. Ohhh that's just uncalled for. right down the neck."
Down on the ground the lion was obviously running out of steam and before too long he sat down, then toppled and was soon snoring loudly.
This is my chance, Dave jumped to the ground and reached into his pocket. YES! His bottle of Depo Provera (look it up) was still there and so was his syringe

 

[Chronos]

Thus spoke [stage left] enter the Strawman...

 

[Chronos]

There was an unmisteakable attraction between Strawman and Otot. Otot eyed him with unabashed desire. Strawman diverted his gaze to the barren floor. He had not the heart, courage or intellect to face her piercing, brown eyes. How now had he come to this cross-road of life? While he originated from Jersey, he was roundly unprepared to steak his life, to meat this rare challenge in the grind of his so-called life. His tenderloins quivered as he milked the courage to say, in a dry raspy voice, 'Greetings, milady'...

 

[tribdog]

This is a bit off the subject, but I made up a song a long time ago called the Dyslexic Old McDonald. OoomOoom is part of the song. Goes something like this:<clearing throat>
Old DacMonald had a marf.
O I E I E
and on that marf he had a woc.
O I E I E
With an oooom oooom here
and an oooom oooom there
here an ooom there an ooom Everywhere an oooom ooooom
Old DacMonald had a marf
O I E I E
etc. I usually went through a gip (with a kanoi kanoi), a god(wow wob), and maybe a neh(kulk kulk)
before someone anal out there points out that I'm not following Official Dyslexic Standards and Practices I know. artistic license.
also, I had to get offline last night before finishing what I was writing. my idea was that the one looking for a brain from the wizard should be whoever is wasting their time reading this crap

 

[Math Is Hard]

Dave noticed that the woc was acting strangely. She spent her days staring off into the distance and hardly ever wanted to be milked anymore. One morning while she stood sleeping, he peeked into her journal and found a badly scrawled poem.

The evol song of Otot

Am I udderly insane
To evol you, man without a brane?
Are my sweetbreads in a twist?

I can never get pasturize,
My stomachs fill with butterflies,
Though we’ve never even kiss’t.

Strawman, this battle I’m losing
This evol I feel’s so confusing,
Like an argument gone astray.

Who cud be immoone to your charms?
In my dreams I nibble your arms.
They taste like the sweetest hay.

When you’re near I lose my voice
How I long to be your top choice.
If my Ooms weren’t so trembling and frail..

I would ask you to make me your wife
And I’d evol you for the roast of my life,
Or until the end of this tale.

This worried Dave immensely. Even if things didn’t go badly between Otot and Strawman – it certainly meant trouble for him. For the meantime he must conceal his knowledge of Otot’s feelings. If she knew he had read her journal it would be a serious breach of trust. He tiptoed quietly over to the sleeping Otot to replace the journal.

Unfortunately, a song crept into his head at just that moment. He began to absent-mindedly hum ‘O I E I E..’ With a quick buzzing snort, Otot awoke and Dave found himself staring straight into the eyes of a very, very angry woc…

 

[Evo]

my idea was that the one looking for a brain from the wizard should be whoever is wasting their time reading this crap

Hey, I HAVE to read this cr@p! I'm the mentor!

So, I have an excuse.

Besides, this is pretty good cr@p.

 

[tribdog]

Hey, I HAVE to read this cr@p! I'm the mentor!

So, I have an excuse.

Besides, this is pretty good cr@p.

lol, I'm going to do a filibuster. We'll see how much of this stuff you really read Ms. Mentor. You thought you had trouble staying awake the other day...

 

[Les Sleeth]

Too late. Dave jumped into a nearby tree and called down to Ken. "Don't worry, he's not actually swallowing most of the pieces and I can see several large pieces of your torso. We'll be able to put you back together. Oh, oh geez. I'd always heard that could be done to an eye socket, but that's the first time I've ever seen it accomplished. Oh, oh no. Don't do it Mr. Lion. Ohhh that's just uncalled for. right down the neck."
Down on the ground the lion was obviously running out of steam and before too long he sat down, then toppled and was soon snoring loudly.
This is my chance, Dave jumped to the ground and reached into his pocket. YES! His bottle of Depo Provera (look it up) was still there and so was his syringe.

Dave was able to sew Kenman back together and with a little hormonal therapy got him walking again. Strangely only one body part was missing. He then had a long talk with the Lion.

“That was a cowardly thing to do to trusting Kenman. He’s on his way to see the Gizzard for a heart, and now he really needs one!”

Crying loudly the Lion said, “I know, I am a disgusting critter. I only pick on things smaller than me. I’d puke up that heart right this very second and give it back to Kenman if I could, but I already feel it moving thru my guts.” The Lion licked his lips suspiciously.

“That’s okay, the Gizzard will help. Hey, maybe you can come with us and ask the Gizzard for some courage.”

And so it was that the Cowardly Lion joined them. Dave was thinking this story might turn out afterall if he could fix the situation between Strawman and Otot . . .

For the meantime he must conceal his knowledge of Otot’s feelings. If she knew he had read her journal it would be a serious breach of trust. He tiptoed quietly over to the sleeping Otot to replace the journal. Unfortunately, a song crept into his head at just that moment. He began to absent-mindedly hum ‘O I E I E..’ With a quick buzzing snort, Otot awoke and Dave found himself staring straight into the eyes of a very, very angry woc…

“Uhhhhh, it fell, I was just putting it back,” Dave stammered.

Otot, stared, looking for signs he was lying. But Dave had studied tells as part of his training for the World Series of Poker, and so maintained a blank stare. Otot arose, walked over to Dave, and licked his face with her long tongue, from chin to forehead.

“Ewwwwwww, why’d you do that?” Dave said wiping his face. But he recognized Otot was doing the bovine mind meld, and realized that now she had read his mind. She had caught him, and knew he knew of her all-consuming lust for Scarecrow.

Yet in one way Dave was glad it was out in the open because he understood that if he didn’t get Strawman and Otot to stop their attraction, it could mean the end of the journey to Zircon City and any chance the Gizzard might help him get home. What was he to do?

Then it hit him. He knew Otot was a lusty woc, and so he strolled up to her and said, “Yes, yes! I read it, I couldn’t help myself. You’re all I’ve got Otot, you’re my bestest friend. I was only thinking of your welfare you know.”

Otot grunted. That’s a bunch of bull, she thought.

“No seriously my friend. I know you dream of a blissful domestic life, baking cow pies, getting’ milked regularly, trading cud with Scarecrow into old age . . . but there’s one thing you might not have thought of my sweet friend.”

Otot grunted and rolled her eyes. He’s butterin’ me up.

“Think Otot, think! He’s a straw man, right?”

No denyin’ that, Otot thought.

“And a strawman is made out of straw, right?

Duuuhhhhhhh . . . get to the point cottage cheese breath.

“You know, straw . . . like everywhere, you know STRAW!”

OMG, Otot thought, not as in “where’s the beef” . . . Dave couldn’t mean that could he? And then the awful truth hit her, it had to be. Tears were filling Otot’s eyes when the Cowardly Lion walked up. Hmmmm, not bad Otot thought, not bad at all.

And so it was that everyone got back on the powerpuff road and were again off to see the Gizzard. Everything went well until they hit that poppy field . . .