Dealing with Loss of Family & Friends: Experiences & Advice

[lisab]

My maternal grandfather died recently, and I wasn't particularly sad. That probably sounds horrible, but the way I see it is this: He had an extremely long, fulfilling, and successful life. He raised a great family, served his country with honor in WWII, and had many professional successes as well. His was a life well lived, and the fact that it eventually came to an end (as all lives do) doesn't change that one bit.

Of course, that's not to say losing a family member isn't painful. My mother died of cancer when I was younger, and obviously I was devastated for quite a while afterwards. But I choose to focus on the fact that she, like my grandad, led a good life and was a wonderful parent while she was alive. In the grand scheme of things, what you do with your life matters a lot more than when you die.

When an old person dies - one who has had a long, fulfilling life, like your grandfather - it's a sad thing, but not tragic. In fact it can be a reminder to live a good life.

Losing young people is truly tragic .

 

[Evo]

I started losing friends when I was 14. Accidental deaths, drug overdoses, suicides, accidents caused by drunk/drugged driving & murder. It seems there was always a funeral.

My maternal grandfather died on myn 14th birthday, my pateranl grandmother right after, then the death of 2 cousins, 12 aunts and uncles, my father. My neighbor, the gas pedal in her car floored itself and she slammed into a tree in her front yard and killed her. Friends at work. My secretary's husband. She was 3 months pregnant. Her husband had picked up some hitch-hikers because he was a good person, they murdered him.

 

[Aero51]

Death is not the only source for feelings of loss. My mom has sever multiple sclerosis. She cannot go to the bathroom on her own and has developed moderate dementia. If she takes her medication off schedule she has the cognitive abilities of a 3 year old. Sometimes I like to mess with her- its funny and she thinks so too. There are times though when I am sitting doing my work and I ask myself how did I end up as such a bright kid with a mom who can't even work a TV remote at her worst. That's when depression consumes me. Its also sad that I didn't get along with her since I was about 11 - am 22 now. We spent a lot more time fighting than being a mother and son. To this day we still argue. I cannot tell if it's the dementia.

Another loss, my father. I watch him lose control over his life because he has to take care of my mom. We fight sometimes but get along quite well other times. I resent a lot of things he's done, but given his position I don't have the heart to confront him. I cannot do anything to help him. In a sense I am losing both my parents at the same time.

You see, loss is not always in death and don't be so naive to think its the only way to lose a loved one. I have a feeling that I will regret being so angry at my parents for some of their stupid decisions when they pass on.

My advice, if you could call it that, is don't let these negative feelings own you. It's ok to feel upset and grief. Do not let these feelings ruin your life though. Personally, what I've been doing is holding on to two dreams I've had since I was a child. I believe in myself and I will use what I've learned to seize everything I've wanted and make my life the best it could possible be. That's my story, hope it provided you the insight you were seeking.

 

[chiro]

I am reminded of the following situation:

Think about the kids that are diagnosed with cancer and are basically given x days/months to live.

Now think about the volunteers who do whatever they can do to make those kids lives the best that they can when they are with them, even though knowingly in their mind, those kids are going to die and die at a very young age.

To me the thing is how these volunteers especially the ones with a bit more expertise handle the situation: the focus is not on the kids dying, but instead on how they can make those last days as enjoyable as they can be.

At the very least the volunteers can say truthfully and proudly that they did what they could to help those kids enjoy their life rather than to help them think about their death: they too are helping those kids live as prosperous of a life as they can.

I think really its an element of what people focus on: if they focus too much on the death aspect then it's all going to miserable but if they focus on how they actually lived and how you helped someone live their life then the focus and the perspective becomes a lot different.

 

[TeresaManning]

It seems to me that everyone has experienced loss of some kind that has made them stronger in some way. The power within each of us is often underestimated; we are our source of courage, comfort and acceptance--something, I found at least, that can take a long time to realize, even with the assurance of others.
I certainly agree that loss can come in many forms. When I was a child, my Dad was my hero. He got me out of an abusive situation and was the strength that I needed to break the silence. Then, about nine years ago, he fell into drugs (prescriptions mainly but also crack cocaine). We lost everything until I was eventually forced to go back to living with my mom as the house became unsafe (people breaking in and other concerns) and we had no water, heat or food as all the money went to drugs. For the past nine years I've watched him slowly kill himself, distancing myself as much as I can without completely cutting him out of my life.
Accepting the loss of my father was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it taught me a lot about myself. Pain is always in the mind--both physically and mentally--and, I've found at least, the only way to go on is to accept the pain as a part of who you are. But be gentle with yourself--everything in time.