Girlfriend talking to a previous love interest

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  • #26
Monique
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So micromass, lets say I didn't read it. I would never know this is happening, and then what? I guess I would be happier not knowing, but at the same time I would be with someone who is lying to me and not even know it. How can I trust her?
Next time, you could say to your girlfriend that her e-mail was open on your computer and you noticed the guy's name and ask her if they're in contact again. That way you don't go snooping into someone's business and still get to address the issue.
 
  • #27
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Last time I got to the point where I was reading my (now former) SO's messages, I should have just ended it. You can't really recover at this point, and a couple of things are possible: 1. She's cheating on you 2. She's not cheating on you, but the lack of trust will end up killing the relationship in the end. My advice is that you break up with her to spare your emotional well being, as well as your girlfriend's.
 
  • #28
Hepth
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Next time, you could say to your girlfriend that her e-mail was open on your computer and you noticed the guy's name and ask her if they're in contact again. That way you don't go snooping into someone's business and still get to address the issue.

This is the best way to approach it.

"Hey, you left your email open the other day and before I closed it I saw XXX's name; I thought you weren't talking to him anymore?"

It must be toned as INQUISITIVE rather than ACCUSING. Very light-hearted. Don't appear mad, suspicious, etc.

If she gets instantly mad and defensive, you might have something to worry about. (She fears you know more, and instinctively tries to deflect your perceived anger back to you)

If she has a rational, real response "Oh yeah, he's on that other team and wanted to know how I was getting to the airport" then maybe she's just being honest, and forgot to tell you, or was trying to spare your feelings (by lying, yes, but if the intention is good...).

Remember, girls have to deal with very over-jealous and protective guys, and this early in a relationship I doubt she wants to test your mettle.

Everyone likes to flirt. Deny it all you want, but we all love attention from the opposite (or same) sex. We all also know how it feels to witness a significant other flirt with some else. It doesn't mean they don't care about you. If at a bar a group of cute girls approached you and your friends and bought you all a round of drinks I doubt the first words out of your mouth would be "No thanks, I have a girlfriend" and then you walk away.

Especially when you're young and insecure you want to test your worth and see how attractive you are to others, even when in a relationship. It's not cheating, and while not totally harmless (usually more flirty means more insecure), its one of those things where a small lie my spare the SO's feelings.

Now, if that person XXX happens to be a failed love interest, this insecurity can lead to her to wanting a "back-up plan". She wants to feel like, "Well if he dumps me, at least XXX is still interested" thereby protecting herself from rejection. Again, this will lead to her having to have little lies to keep you from seeing her insecure actions.

I'm not saying forgive and forget (but you could!). I'm not saying dump her (depends on email contents to be honest). I'm saying relax, take a breath, and realize she is a person too, and there are explainable, rational reasons for her actions. If you can develop a deep sense of empathy for her (as a human) you might more fully understand her motives, and this MAY help you come to terms with the situation and you can make a decision you feel comfortable with, rather than a decision you feel you were forced to make.
 
  • #29
Dembadon
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I think you should tell her exactly what happened. Don't do what you're upset with her for doing. Be honest and upfront about what you did and how you feel (after you've calmed down a bit). Being honest can, and often does, make things messy. However, I don't think it's honorable or respectable to be deceitful to other people about your actions or feelings. It hinders communication in a relationship and damages your credibility.
 
  • #30
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This issue was settled a while ago. She said she was scared to tell me, but she was only talking to him through email to get to that competition, and that was it. The content of the e-mail seems to confirm it, so I don't have a reason to not believe it. We moved past that a month ago, so thread can be deleted.
 
  • #31
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It's good to know that there was nothing going on between them. The amount of cheating stories I've read online is depressive.
 
  • #32
lisab
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It's good to know that there was nothing going on between them. The amount of cheating stories I've read online is depressive.

Well keep in mind, what you read online is a skewed sample. Rarely will someone take the time to post, "My significant other is beloved to me, he/she always thinks of me first and treats me like a queen/king. I can't imagine a better life that the one I have with my mate!"
 
  • #33
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Of course - I was just talking about how when you read something online like this situation it's almost certain that something fishy is going on / has happened in the past.
 
  • #34
WannabeNewton
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Well keep in mind, what you read online is a skewed sample. Rarely will someone take the time to post, "My significant other is beloved to me, he/she always thinks of me first and treats me like a queen/king. I can't imagine a better life that the one I have with my mate!"
Lol lisab you gotta use facebook more often then.
 
  • #36
lisab
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Lol lisab you gotta use facebook more often then.

Oh yeah, I forgot how full FB is of all that stuff! It's all Shiny Happy People Land.
 

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