How do you resist the temptation to date?

[jd12345]

I'm in college and I find myself desperately in need of a girlfriend. I talked to this girl (I had a crush on her for some time now) and she didn't really feel interested in me.
I later realized that I spend too much thinking about her. I want to somehow stop this feeling and just enjoy my studies while I'm in college. I know even if I get her interested in me and we have a good thing going I will spend a lot of time on her so help me get rid of this feeling. Please!

 

[stevenb]

There is a difference between infatuation and real attraction that leads to long term love. It's important to know which you are dealing with. You seem to be saying that you know it's an infatuation type of crush and not really worth the distraction. If you are confident this is the case, then take a good long look at this girl. Is she pretty? Beauty fades. Is she really that good a person at the core? Look at her faults and realize she is not as good as you think. Imagine that you married her, she got fat and became a miserable person that treated you badly until you got to middle age and then you died of a heart attack from the stress of your miserable life.

If that doesn't work, then you love her and I recommend that you do everything to make her fall in love with you. You may fail, but at least you tried and then you can get on with the rest of your life.

I know this may sound a little stupid, but I'm being serious. ... Very serious. Regret is a very bad thing to carry throughout your life.

 

[Permanence]

JD, have you had a girlfriend or intimate relationship before? I find that once you get the first one out of the way, you get less emotional in the first.

So basically when I'm in a situation where either I'm starting to miss a girl or planning to cut off connections with her I do the following daily:
- I remind myself why I'm doing this.
- I point out her fatal flaws.
- I point out why even if I were to be in a relationship with her it would be an utter waste of time and end with me gaining nothing out of it.
- I remind myself of other things I can be doing with that same amount of time.
- I work on improving myself. Whether it be working out physically or intellectually.

Delete her number from your phone. Delete her as a facebook friend. Delete any connection you have with her. In the future resist any temptation to check up on her.

 

[jd12345]

This is actually the first time I actually approached a girl that I like. She is pretty and fun. Maybe if I try she'll like me but I'm afriad this will interrupt with my studies.
If this was not happening in college-time I would have definitely gone for her but since I am serious about my studies I am hesitating a bit.

 

[jduster]

I'm in college and I find myself desperately in need of a girlfriend. I talked to this girl (I had a crush on her for some time now) and she didn't really feel interested in me.
I later realized that I spend too much thinking about her. I want to somehow stop this feeling and just enjoy my studies while I'm in college. I know even if I get her interested in me and we have a good thing going I will spend a lot of time on her so help me get rid of this feeling. Please!

the problem could be that you don't talk to enough girls. so if you don't talk to or meet a lot of girls, it's much easier to get your heart invested in one.

i'd say just talk to like like 10, 20 maybe 30 more girls just to put it in perspective on how small and insignificant she (or any other individual girl) is to your overall life.

 

[lisab]

the problem could be that you don't talk to enough girls. so if you don't talk to or meet a lot of girls, it's much easier to get your heart invested in one.

i'd say just talk to like like 10, 20 maybe 30 more girls just to put it in perspective on how small and insignificant she (or any other individual girl) is to your overall life.

I like that idea. OP, think of it as homework: your assignment is to talk to about 15 girls. Take as much time as you need.

Afterwards, let us know how your point of view towards this girl has changed.

 

[jd12345]

I like that idea. OP, think of it as homework: your assignment is to talk to about 15 girls. Take as much time as you need.

Afterwards, let us know how your point of view towards this girl has changed.

Talk to 15 girls? Wow, that's tough for me but I'll try. However I do realize what is wrong with me and why you gave this advice. I'll certainly try this and let you know later.

 

[Permanence]

Ay JD do your best not to come off as a creepy bruv. If you'd like, post here with some ideas of how you plan to get the conversation started so we can give you some feedback. I don't mean that in a rude way either. I use to be pretty awkward around females too. I still am to an extent, but I've improved.

 

[turbo]

@OP If your intent is to get to know others better (male or female), there is no need to "date". You can engage in group activities that do not imply a need for commitment. You can have fun in a small crowd of people, and if you are seen as non-threatening, chances are that someone will show some personal attention to you.

Good luck.

 

[MathematicalPhysicist]

I'm in college and I find myself desperately in need of a girlfriend. I talked to this girl (I had a crush on her for some time now) and she didn't really feel interested in me.
I later realized that I spend too much thinking about her. I want to somehow stop this feeling and just enjoy my studies while I'm in college. I know even if I get her interested in me and we have a good thing going I will spend a lot of time on her so help me get rid of this feeling. Please!

Easy, take more courses... :-)

 

[Permanence]

While he could combat his desire for a female companion by overwhelming himself with courses, I don't think that would be wise. Delaying the development of his social skills, especially with females, is only going to make it a lot harder in the future.

I like the suggestions that he attempts to talk with females.

 

[jd12345]

Ay JD do your best not to come off as a creepy bruv. If you'd like, post here with some ideas of how you plan to get the conversation started so we can give you some feedback. I don't mean that in a rude way either. I use to be pretty awkward around females too. I still am to an extent, but I've improved.

I'm not creepy. I just like to talk to a small subset of people at a time. Once I get to know a person I am interesting(it seems so). Unfortunately there have been very few females in my life(I have no idea why) and maybe because of that I invest a lot of time once I meet a girl.

@OP If your intent is to get to know others better (male or female), there is no need to "date". You can engage in group activities that do not imply a need for commitment. You can have fun in a small crowd of people, and if you are seen as non-threatening, chances are that someone will show some personal attention to you.

Good luck.

My intent is not to know others better. I just have this feeling to have a girl in my life.

 

[Astronuc]

I just have this feeling to have a girl in my life.

It's not a matter of having 'a' girl, but 'the' girl, i.e., one's soulmate. I think that is possibly rare, but it can and does happen for some.

Why not simply have friendships with a number of women. I had many female friends, but I was not connected romantically, but platonically. There were a few with whom I was involved romantically, and one became my wife, whom I met during my junior year.

I didn't let my relationships interfere with my studies. I was comfortable knowing that when I had some free time (mostly weekends), I could spend it with the woman in my life, and I could study while she studied.

 

[Mk]

^ Astronuc sweeps in again with true meaning.

If you spend too much time thinking about her, don't worry about it. It's natural. And if a girl likes you—she'll naturally spend too much time thinking about you. Best thing to do is to control the direction of those energies. Instead of obsessing and fantasizing in a static position about this person, think of ways you can make yourself better.

You do want to impress her next time you see her, don't you? So work out, or develop your musical abilities. Build something really cool. Anything that you think is right, do it. Let her, in her absence, be your muse. This is how men create. The more you do this, the more confident you become. People like true self-confidence, a lot.

 

[Mépris]

In my experience, very, very few girls can offer the emotional commitment that a guy could. I am not saying that men make better friends than women. I am, rather, saying that of the people who can be great friends *to me*, the majority of them tend to be men. I am open to the possibility of a great friend-girl, but I am not holding my breath.

OP, you don't know this girl. You are projecting too much, in all likelihood. And she probably will not be able to live up to your crazy expectations, once you do muster the courage to say hi to her, make her laugh, spin her around, and instantly take her on a date.

As others have said, you probably don't talk to enough girls. Talk to more girls. Every cute girl you see, go say hello. If she seems cool, ask her out, and *then* take her number just to confirm the date.

It looks to me that you do not have issue with dating but rather with putting a particular girl on a pedestal for a certain period of time. I used to do that too. And it's bad. It's a little like loving a cat you played with at the pet store for 2 seconds because you are convinced it can do tricks that it can do back flips and play dead.

You can't love people you don't know (!), but you can be attracted to them. And I think what's going on here, is when you finally find yourself attracted to one girl, you try to further rationalise why you should be with them.

As for soulmates...I think that's a flawed concept. I don't see why of all people in the world there has to be ONE of them, and conveniently, you will meet that ONE person somewhere in your day to day life or on a trip to Belize. Maybe there is such a thing as "soulmates" but I disagree with the idea of there being ONE. This severely limits yourself. There are so many girls all over the world, and so many of them could be *your idea* of a great girlfriend, or the perfect girl.