How Long Does It Take to Heal from a Lost Love?

[Dembadon]

... Unless you did something TRULY horrible, there's no need to apologize for yourself or your behavior. Very rarely is it becoming for a man to take an apologetic posture with a woman, it lowers him below her, and women do not want a man who is below them.

...

Gender is irrelevant. If you've done something wrong, own up to it and apologize. That's what mature adults of either gender do. Also, a real man can own up to mistakes without feeling insecure; it's a sign of integrity, and is an admirable characteristic in a partner. One is not exempt from taking personal responsibility for one's actions based on one's gender. That's just ridiculous.

 

[Pyrrhus]

To be honest, as you get older (the more relationships and people you are romantically linked in the past), the easier it'll be get over past significant others. As a rule of thumb.

 

[drizzle]

Weird thread :shy: But I have you all beat: 3.4 years and still counting. Now where's my pity award?

 

[drizzle]

To be honest, as you get older (the more relationships and people you are romantically linked in the past), the easier it'll be get over past significant others. As a rule of thumb.

Do you mean cronxeh meant 3.5 years instead of months, but that was a typo?

It only depends on the person if s/he would let go or not. So, it might take a min/day/week or even years.

 

[Pattonias]

My first relationship was the worst (thus far). I was totally infatuated with a girl that seemed really into me. It kind of sucks that my first relationship was also the first time that I was ever cheated on. It was kind of cliche' (while I was at boot camp with a close friend of mine). I can say it took me a solid year to finally get completely over her.

For a long time I sort of blamed myself for some reason that seems really foreign to me now. I honestly can not put myself back into that frame of mind again. I only really think about how she hurt me now instead of thinking back always on the better times.

Now I am in a much more serious relationship. I could see having difficulty dealing with it again if I should have a repeat. It could honestly take years if I was totally ripped apart or blind sided with a break up.

It took me a long while to get back into the dating game after my first failed foray. I had developed some trust issues that I had to actually deal with head on.

Something I learned though==>

1. Know when to break it off. There is no point in trying to stay together when you really now that you are not compatible. Even if its a little thing. If you don't have that forever feeling after really getting to know the person, it is time to move on.

2. Trust completely. Assume that the person is 100% trustworthy and wait until they prove you wrong. If they cheat, break it off immediately. If they cheat, you know that they are not the person for you and you need to move on. Cheating is their problem, not yours.

3. Be confident, which includes not being too awestruck when it pays off and you honestly don't know why. Remember that they probably feel the same way.

4. When the time is right, love them and tell them you do often.

I think the hardest part of a break-up is the forced introspective you have after-wards.
You try and figure what it is that was wrong about you that resulted in them breaking up with you instead of thinking about what was wrong with them that led to the break up. You don't want to think about the bad in the other person, especially if you were really happy, but I think it is the only way to finally find closure and move on.

P.S. (I also do not believe that let's "be friends" bull. When it is over, it it over. I have been in a break up from both ends now and I now that trying to stay close in most situations is just more painful. I am sure there are special circumstances, but in most cases it just doesn't work.)

 

[wasteofo2]

Gender is irrelevant. If you've done something wrong, own up to it and apologize. That's what mature adults of either gender do. Also, a real man can own up to mistakes without feeling insecure; it's a sign of integrity, and is an admirable characteristic in a partner. One is not exempt from taking personal responsibility for one's actions based on one's gender. That's just ridiculous.

Owning up to your mistakes is one thing, apologizing to a woman who broke up with you is another. It's about self-respect, and indeed, about integrity.

A woman broke up with him and did him emotional harm. She is the one in charge in that situation, and his apologizing to her reinforced that dynamic, which will not help him get over her, or help him feel good about himself. Lowering yourself before someone who did you harm is a terribly self-destructive behavior, and has nothing to do with owning up to mistakes.

 

[DanP]

Owning up to your mistakes is one thing, apologizing to a woman who broke up with you is another. It's about self-respect, and indeed, about integrity.

Why is different ? If you do something stupid, it makes really no difference she is breaking up with you or not.

A woman broke up with him and did him emotional harm.

So what ? Some relationships end. You can't ask anyone to stay with you when they don't want.

She is the one in charge in that situation, and his apologizing to her reinforced that dynamic, which will not help him get over her, or help him feel good about himself.

How could an "Im sorry" be a significant variable in any dealing with breakup ? It would take a person with an extremely flimsy mind to be so affected by 2 words.

Lowering yourself before someone who did you harm is a terribly self-destructive behavior, and has nothing to do with owning up to mistakes.

You have an erroneous perception about what "Im sorry" means. It's not lowering before anyone, especially not before a women you spent time in a relationship and you wronged her.

 

[wasteofo2]

All the evidence is right here:

I had the opportunity to profusely apologize to her for about 2 months after the breakup, after which she practically stopped reading my blog.

She dumped him, he tried to apologize to make things better, and she rejected him further. His strategy got him an extra dose of rejection on top of what he already faced.

 

[DanP]

All the evidence is right here:



She dumped him, he tried to apologize to make things better, and she rejected him further. His strategy got him an extra dose of rejection on top of what he already faced.

Strategy ? Extra rejection ? That's bull. You apologize for the **** you made, not to get back together with a chick.

I would suggest for anyone who wants to listen to stay in good relations, when/if possible, with your ex girlfriends. Having good relationships with a network of females pays off big time.

It won't gimp your testosterone, I promise you.

 

[wasteofo2]

Strategy ? Extra rejection ? That's bull. You apologize for the **** you made, not to get back together with a chick.

I never said anything about getting back together with anyone, it's about maintaining your self respect and dignity.

If your goal is to have good relations with your ex in order to eventaully get with her friends, apologizing until she removes herself from your life even more is not the way to do that.

Although there's no reason you should have to rely on you ex to introduce you to new girls.

 

[DanP]

I never said anything about getting back together with anyone, it's about maintaining your self respect and dignity.

Whatever floats your boat man.

 

[Lisa!]

It only depends on the person if s/he would let go or not. So, it might take a min/day/week or even years.

Agree!
I guess sometimes people just don't want to let it go since they're afraid of not meeting any other cool person in the near future!

 

[_Tully]

I'm in the process of divorce and am already over her.

So, I guess it took me -3 to -6 months.

=D Haha.

 

[cronxeh]

OK I feel like I should update on my progress. Perhaps when they dig up the server in a thousand years they would get an insight into the dynamics of human relationships, who knows.

Well I've been reeling from this infatuation but like I said, I've mostly moved on. Well I met someone new, and even though things are very slow to start, I'm neither in a hurry to jump into a relationship or friendship. Peeling away her defenses has been fun so far, and it seems there is a sweet core beneath it all

SO my advise to anyone struggling.. move on. There is always a perfect mate out there for you - someone who won't reject you.

 

[wasteofo2]

OK I feel like I should update on my progress. Perhaps when they dig up the server in a thousand years they would get an insight into the dynamics of human relationships, who knows.

Well I've been reeling from this infatuation but like I said, I've mostly moved on. Well I met someone new, and even though things are very slow to start, I'm neither in a hurry to jump into a relationship or friendship. Peeling away her defenses has been fun so far, and it seems there is a sweet core beneath it all

SO my advise to anyone struggling.. move on. There is always a perfect mate out there for you - someone who won't reject you.

Congrats for moving on!

Don't take it too slow now, don't want to end up in the friend zone.

 

[Lancelot59]

I listen to a CBC show called Wiretap, one episode the show read a bunch of submissions on this site:
http://dearoldlove.tumblr.com/
It's a pretty interesting read, oddly cathartic. :/