Obsessed with a Bag Lady: Aging and Desires

[Ivan Seeking]

I'm not willing to work at a relationship. I believe that a good relationship shouldn't require work, but if people are willing to do it, that's great for them, as long as they're not completely miserable. My parents didn't get along, but they were determined to not get divorced. It was horrible. They were both miserable and it made us kids miserable. They did their best to try to hide it, never argued in front of us, but there was just no sign of love there. Sometimes divorce is the best solution for everyone.

I don't think the notion that some marriages are just bad, negates the claim that all marriages take work. No one can possibly be completely compatible with someone else. There will always be differences that require compromise.

More significant, perhaps, is that we all grow and change. Some people grow together, and some grow apart.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I'm surprised that no one has pointed out that many men are not good at sex and women get tired of faking it.

This was my first thought with the comment about his wife and KY. Sounds like a lack of stimulation and desire. He should have a discussion with his wife about their sex life since it would appear as though they are both dissatisfied with it.

I don't think the notion that some marriages are just bad, negates the claim that all marriages take work. No one can possibly be completely compatible with someone else. There will always be differences that require compromise.

More significant, perhaps, is that we all grow and change. Some people grow together, and some grow apart.

When I was younger I was with my mom in the car and there was a commercial on the radio that said something along the lines of "You shouldn't work at your relationship, you should play at it" and my mother thought that was just horrible though I didn't understand why. I tried to explain it to her though I still don't think she understood. I said that if you view your relationship as "work" then there is probably something wrong with it. You should not do things for your partner because you feel obligated but because it is what you want to do. Communicating, listening, caring, ect should all be so natural a part of your relationship that the thought of it being "work" should not enter your head. Of course I have still never been married or in a serious long term relationship so...

 

[Ken Natton]

It seems to me that the OP needs to be careful of this idea that he has a genuine problem with obsession. It is much the same as people who are fundamentally spoiled and stubborn, who excuse their behaviour, as much to themselves as to anyone else, by describing themselves as OCD. The reality of someone who really has a clinically diagnosable condition of obsessive compulsion is that it is extremely destructive of relationships. Fortunately, very few people really have such a condition. I don’t wish to be out of step with the basic understanding and honest sympathy that the OP has been shown on this thread, but I don’t think that it helps to allow him to reinforce the idea that he has some psychological condition that is beyond his control. It is very unlikely that he does.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

When I was younger I was with my mom in the car and there was a commercial on the radio that said something along the lines of "You shouldn't work at your relationship, you should play at it" and my mother thought that was just horrible though I didn't understand why. I tried to explain it to her though I still don't think she understood. I said that if you view your relationship as "work" then there is probably something wrong with it. You should not do things for your partner because you feel obligated but because it is what you want to do. Communicating, listening, caring, ect should all be so natural a part of your relationship that the thought of it being "work" should not enter your head. Of course I have still never been married or in a serious long term relationship so...

And what about those times when one is in a bad mood or doesn't feel like compromising, or when there is an impass and you can't agree? Or what about when the partner is unreasonable because of health problems or problems at work? What about when your partner melts down because of a death in the family or some other crisis?

Work, effort, a willingness to try, the ability to compromise, the abiity to see the problem through the other person's eyes, call it what you like but it doesn't happen without effort. Imo, anything else is a fairy tale - a result of too much TV or a lack of honesty.

 

[Evo]

When I was younger I was with my mom in the car and there was a commercial on the radio that said something along the lines of "You shouldn't work at your relationship, you should play at it" and my mother thought that was just horrible though I didn't understand why. I tried to explain it to her though I still don't think she understood. I said that if you view your relationship as "work" then there is probably something wrong with it. You should not do things for your partner because you feel obligated but because it is what you want to do. Communicating, listening, caring, ect should all be so natural a part of your relationship that the thought of it being "work" should not enter your head.

This is exactly how I feel. Couples I know that are happily married are this way.

 

[netgypsy]

We have quite a number of very long lasting marriages in our family and several who have had three or more that failed. The differences.

The truly happy long lasting marriages really enjoy each other's company. They LIKE each other in addition to being in love. They LAUGH all the time and each partner has had to carry 100% at times and has done it gladly. One, whose spouse had a couple of particularly bad years used to tell him "It's a good thing you accumulated all those points over the years or I sure wouldn't put up with you right now!" But even that was said with love. A happily married couple does not let the other one hurt their feelings. They refuse to play games. When they disagree, they stick to the point and never globalize about other episodes in the past. And one of the absolutely biggest things is respect and willingness by either to do any job that needs to be done when it needs to be done regardless of whether the other could do it and isn't . That is never an issue with them. And when one sees the other doing some kind of chore, they pitch in and help or do something else that needs to be done. These marriages have a lot of variability in whether or not the wife works, whether the husband helps with the housework and so on, but whatever the normality is, if either is needed for something they don't usually do, it's not a point of argument. It gets done. So thinking about all the good marriages I'm familiar with and the bad ones, it seems that there is a complete absence of "I" and a concentration on "we" as a team who are always on the same side, that makes the good ones good, and the bad ones are exactly the opposite. There's always blame, one or both parties always looking to be sure the other is doing the fair share, looking for things wrong, not things that are good in their relationship. No trust, no honesty, no sense of humor, no joy, no respect, and, in the end, no love in the ones that failed. And it can be one or both that cause the failure. But of the three who had at least two bad marriages, the last one, finally was a good one, and they are still happily married. So don't give up hope if the first one or two or three were crappy. Some people are just not real lucky when it come to spouses.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

And what about those times when one is in a bad mood or doesn't feel like compromising, or when there is an impass and you can't agree? Or what about when the partner is unreasonable because of health problems or problems at work? What about when your partner melts down because of a death in the family or some other crisis?

Work, effort, a willingness to try, the ability to compromise, the abiity to see the problem through the other person's eyes, call it what you like but it doesn't happen without effort. Imo, anything else is a fairy tale - a result of too much TV or a lack of honesty.

Playing games takes effort. Going on vacation to a tropical island paradise takes effort. Its not a matter of effort, as all things except perhaps being a couch potato require effort. Its a matter of perceptions. For most people "work" refers to this thing that they have to do which they would rather not, an obligation rather than a desire. If dealing with your mate when things aren't peachy is more of an obligation to you than a desire to maintain your relationship then there is something wrong. Not necessarily irreparably wrong and reason to leave each other, but it is a symptom of something that ought to be taken care of rather than something that ought to be considered normal, in my opinion.

 

[pongo38]

'Lemon tree, very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat'

 

[DaveC426913]

Is this a reference to lemon party?

 

[netgypsy]

Work becomes fun when you do it with someone you like and who is just FUN to be around.

 

[DaveC426913]

For most people "work" refers to this thing that they have to do which they would rather not, an obligation rather than a desire.

Perhaps a better word is "effort". We all know that few good things come to us without investing some sort of effort.

 

[netgypsy]

And if one or both parties don't really care, there won't be any effort.

 

[phoenix:\\]

People still have sex when they're 60?!

Why do you dislike old people?

@ OP: That doesn't seem like a sex obsession to me, more like you just want to take a gander at another lady's goods. If that is the case, you're 60, just ask your wife for an open marriage.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

'Lemon tree, very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat'

Lemon flower, very pretty, and the lemon fruit is sweet, but the tree of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I only knew the lemon tree from the background for this song...


the album version is better than the live one here.

 

[netgypsy]

He could just ask his wife if she cares if he has an "out of marriage" dalliance. But perhaps he should ask the bag lady first. She might not be interested.