Funny Story: Driving a Funeral Van for 25 Years

[Stranger]

check this out...its funny

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years

 

[Artman]

That was funny. I have another one.

Three college students were traveling in Mexico. They got drunk and woke up in jail. Although they couldn't think of what they did to deserve it, they were convicted of murder and sentenced to death by electric chair.

The first one was put in the electric chair and he said, "I'm from Yale divinity school, and I believe that God will intervene on my behalf because I am innocent." The jailers threw the switch and nothing happened, so they thought God saved him and set him free.

The second one was strapped in. He said, "I am from Harvard Law School and I believe that the power of justice will intervene on my behalf because I am innocent." The jailers threw the switch again and again nothing happened, so they let the man go free.

The third man was strapped into the chair and he said, "I am an electrical engineer from MIT and you're not going to electrocute anyone if you don't connect those two loose wires down there."

 

[C0mmie]

Two atoms are walking down the street.
One goes: "Oh no, I just lost an electron"
The second replies: "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive"

 

[BoulderHead]

An elderly man walks slowly into a malt shop (yeah, this joke is old) and orders a malt. The man running the shop asks “Would you like that a chocolate malt, Sir?” the old man hesitates for a moment then replies “yes, please”. The man behind the counter asks “Whipped cream, Sir?” The old man winces slightly from some physical ailment then answers once again in the affirmative. As the old man slowly and carefully sits down on one of the stools he is asked “Crushed nuts, Sir?” to which he replies “No, arthritis”.

 

[Artman]

Originally posted by Boulderhead...
“Crushed nuts, Sir?” to which he replies “No, arthritis”.

I had never heard that before. I've been telling it all day, great joke!

It reminds me of the funniest line from the movie "Under the Rainbow." Chevy Chase is in the hotel where the Munchkins from the Wizard of OZ are staying during the filming of the movie. He gets on an elevator with a bunch of the midget actors and one asks him, "What floor?" He says "Ballroom." And the midget standing in front of him says "Oh, sorry." and steps sideways.

Got another.

A blind man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Do you want a to hear a blonde joke?"

The Bartender says, "Hey Buddy, I'm a blonde, the guy next to you weighs about 250 lbs and he's a blonde and the guy on the other side of you weighs about 275 and he's a blonde. Now, are you sure you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guys says, "Heck no. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

 

[Stranger]

thats cool ... check this one out..its probably common...

A airplane carrying 6 passengers was about to crash...it had only 5 parachutes...the 6 passergers were the pilot, a doctor, an engineer, a bachelor (who is actually a crook and a thief), an old man and a 9 year old school kid...

The pilot says that there are many flights waiting for him...and I must leave...he takes a parachute and jumps off

The doctor says that if he doesn't arrive in time...many of his patients would die...he does the same

The engineer says that the world would not progress without him...he takes a parachute and jumps off

Now there are only 2 parachutes and 3 passangers...

The bachelor says that he has a big family which is completely depended on him...he takes a parachute and jumps off

Now the oldman says to the kid that his life is at the end...and that he has to live a prosperous life...he blesses the kid and hands him the last parachute...
the kid says : Don;t worry we both can go
Oldman : How?
Kid : Because the bachelor took my school bag...

 

[Stranger]

thats cool ... check this one out..its probably common...

A airplane carrying 6 passengers was about to crash...it had only 5 parachutes...the 6 passergers were the pilot, a doctor, an engineer, a bachelor (who is actually a crook and a thief), an old man and a 9 year old school kid...

The pilot says that there are many flights waiting for him...and I must leave...he takes a parachute and jumps off

The doctor says that if he doesn't arrive in time...many of his patients would die...he does the same

The engineer says that the world would not progress without him...he takes a parachute and jumps off

Now there are only 2 parachutes and 3 passangers...

The bachelor says that he has a big family which is completely depended on him...he takes a parachute and jumps off

Now the oldman says to the kid that his life is at the end...and that he has to live a prosperous life...he blesses the kid and hands him the last parachute...
the kid says : Don;t worry we both can go
Oldman : How?
Kid : Because the bachelor took my school bag...

 

[RuroumiKenshin]

Okay, this joke is supposed to not make sense; thus, it is funny in its stupidity:
If your mom's a washer, and your dad's a dryer, then what is the pancake doing on the doghouse?

punchline: footballs don't fly!

lol, that's one of my best jokes. (well, my best one. I don't know many)

 

[climbhi]

Father walks into a room where his son is playing video games. "Son why don't you shut that off for a second." "Why?" "Uhhm, we need to have a talk." Thouroughly annoyed his video gaming is being interupted he asks "what about?" "uhmm about ... about the birds and the bees." Now the kid goes into panick mode throwing the controller on the floor in frustration "ahh crap, not this. When I was six you sit me down and give me the there's no such thing as Santa Clause speach. At eight you ruin the easter bunny for me, and at nine you tell me the tooth fairy doesn't actually exist. So now, if you're going to tell me grown ups don't really have sex with each other when they get older, JUST SHOOT ME NOW, cause there's nothing left to live for!"

 

[Artman]

Here's another oldie,

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chapstick, and put it on my bill."

 

[Locutus]

These are from an email a friend of mine sent me a while ago. Some are kinda funny, others are terrible, but you get the picture:



A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra . . .

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms meet..
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says
"My dog's cross-eyed, Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.
Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him fifty bucks
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week. . . .
and pulled a mussel.

 

[Stranger]

installing wife 1

Last year I upgraded my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began creating problems within the system processing and that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 2.3, Girlfriend 3.2 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the entire system whenever selected

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite applications. Whichever module or software I enter, only Wife 1.0 seems to run and nothing else.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall from Wife 1.0 to Girlfriend 7.0 does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!

Thanks
Desperate Soul

 

[climbhi]

There is a tech support guys response to this plea for help to which is pretty funny also. It's main point is that Wife 1.0 unlike Girlfriend 7.0 is not actually a program it is an Operating System...

 

[Cristi]

These jokes are so funny...

 

[quantumdude]

There's these two brothers, one is 8 and the other is 4. The 8 year old turns to Junior and sez, "I think it's time we started swearing. So when we go down to breakfast, I'm going to say 'hell' and you say 'ass'."

"OK," sez Junior excitedly.

So, they go down, and Mom sez, "What will you have for breakfast today?" Big Brother pokes Junior with his elbow and winks. "Ah, hell mom, I think I'll have some Cheerios".

SMACK!

Mom knocks Big Brother right out of his seat, and he runs upstairs blubbering. Junior is terrified; he never thought his Big Brother's plan could go so horribly awry!

"And what will YOU have for breakfast, young man?" Mom asks sternly.

Junior sez, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[climbhi]

Tom, that's the best I've heard in a long time, thanks...

 

[Artman]

Part of Tom's post...Junior sez, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

I love that joke!

 

[Stranger]

All the great physicsts meet at a place to discuss the answer to the mysterious question - WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was
on, but it was moving very fast.

Hawking: The first seconds made the universe in such a way that
chickens cross the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to
cross the road.

 

[megashawn]

There was a brunette, blond and redhead on a deserted island. They became close friends during there time together. One day, they stumbled across a magic lamp. The genie popped out and offered each one a single wish. The Brunette wished to be back home with her family. The redhead wished similar. The blonde, now all alone, burst into tears and the genie attempting to offer some comfort says "What's wrong dear?" to which the blonde responds "I'm so lonely now, I wish my friends were with me"

 

[dr-dock]

in a psyhiatric institution a guy say to another:
-Ljupce give me one cigar.
-Lazo my name is not Ljupce,it's Zoran.
-OK Ljupce,give me the cigar.

 

[Stranger]

Funny graffiti...

- diarrhea waits for no man

- drive carefully ...don’t kill a child -wait for teacher

- the road to success is always under construction

 

[C0mmie]

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender goes "Hey, we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom replies: "But I'm a fungi."

 

[Stranger]

Newton ; Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to

Newton: It was pushed by another chicken that went away from the road...

 

[Artman]

A poultry inspector was making his rounds from farm to farm one day when a three legged chicken ran up alongside his car. He was amazed because, besides having 3 legs, the chicken was traveling about 45 mph! He sped up to 50 and the chicken ran faster and stayed right alongside the car, so he sped up to 60 and the chicken stayed right with him, then he sped up to 75 mph and the chicken sped up right with him, then the chicken took off passing the car and ran about 100 mph into the next farmyard!

The poultry inspector pulled into the farm and found the farmer. He said, "I just saw a three legged chicken running about 100 mph come in here."

The farmer said, "Yep. I developed that chicken. I figured people like chicken legs so a chicken with more legs would be a good idea and I could sell a whole bunch of em."

"That sounds like a great idea, hows it working out so far?"

"Not good. I've never been able to catch one."

 

[Artman]

Headline in the paper the day the midget fortune teller escaped from prison:

"Small medium at large!"

 

[GlamGein]

Q: what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: wiped.

 

[ermines]

ummmmm, is it ok if the joke is somewhat green, meaning sex-related or should it be somewhat intellectual

 

[Artman]

There's a mentally deranged truckdriver driving along a remote country road. Whenever he sees a pedestrian near the road he enjoys swerving over and hitting them. He sees a preaher whose car broke down trying to flag down a ride, so he stops and picks him up.

The two drive along for awhile and then the truck driver sees a pedestrian. He thinks, how can I swerve over there without this preacher knowing what I'm doing? So he decides to pretend he is falling asleep. He does this and it works except he can't see if he got the guy or not. So he "wakes" up and says, "Oh my gosh, I must have dosed off, did I hit that guy walking back there?"

The preacher says "No my son. You missed him."

A little while later he sees another one and tries it again. "I was dosing again, did I hit that guy back there?"

"No my son. You missed him."

A little while ater he tries the same thing again. "Oh no, I must have dosed again. Did I hit the guy walking back there?"

"No my son. But you got close enough that time so I could get him with the door."

 

[Les Sleeth]

Little Johnny was starving as he came down for breakfast, but since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said little Johnny. His mother told him no breakfast until he did his chores.

Little Johnny was mad, so as he went to feed the chickens he kicked one. Then he fed the cows and on his way out of the barn kicked a cow. When he slopped the pigs he gleefully delivered a swift kick in the rear to a fat porker. Satisfied with his revenge he went back in for his breakfast.

When little Johnny sat down at the table his mother rudely dropped a bowl of dry cereal in front of him. "Heyyyyyy! he complained, "How come I don't get no eggs and bacon? And why don't I got any milk in my cereal? "Well," his mother answered, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a
week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father came down for breakfast in a sullen mood and kicked the cat half way across the kitchen. Smirking, little Johnny looked up at his mother and said, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[Les Sleeth]

A man is walking down the street carrying a penguin. A
policeman stops him and inquires, "Is that your penguin?"
The man replies, "No, I noticed him following me and since it's
a hot day I thought I'd carry him."

The cop says, "Why don't you take the penguin to the zoo."
"That's a great idea," the man replies, and heads off toward
the zoo leaving the cop shaking his head.

Some hours later the cop sees the same man still carrying the
penguin. "I thought you were going to take the penguin to the zoo," he says. The man replies, "I did, he liked it, now I'm taking him to the movies."

 

[Les Sleeth]

Sam has been in the advertising business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees
the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded
Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...
Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's going to be
some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in advertising I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex
at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem!" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just going to be the two of us."

 

[Stranger]

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Two peanuts were walking through the Park, and one was a-salted.

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schiztophrenic,
and I am too!"

(Told by a guy named Crazy Larry)

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Cause seven-eight-nine!

(ya, I know, lame)

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

The H'Ohmbre from "Nantuckett"

There once was a man from Nantucket,

He'd had an Idea, (EUREKA!) He'd STRuck'IT!

Now he said,...with a Grin

As he dropped His line in _i

"I'll be fish'in (4 D'Fish) in D'is Bucket!

 

[Cartesio]

I missed you last night. I had to go to bed without you. I missed the feel of you on my body, I wanted you against me...

Where are you...stupid pyjamas?

But again, humour is relative.

 

[Stranger]

cars

what the names of cars stand for...

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover
Engine Technology.
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT - Fix It All the Time
FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
GM - Great Mistake
GMC - Garage Man's Companion
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind
Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's
Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB - Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW - Virtually Worthless

 

[devil5_advocate]

A pirate with one leg cut off at the knee, a hook attached to one arm and an eye patch entered the tavern. The tavern owner, a long time friend greets his friend and asks how he got into such a sorry state.

"How'd you lose that leg?"

"Oh, an enemy pirate captain came at me with a halberd. He's history now, but he took off my leg at the knee."

"Then how'd you lose you right hand?"

"Oh, I lost it fighting with a shark when I got thrown overboard."

"Ouch, then how'd you lose that right eye of yours?"

"A bird crapped in it."

At that, the tavern owner laughed loudly and exlaimed how much of an idiot his friend was.

"You lost an eye to a piece of birdcrap in your eye?"

THe pirate gravely shook his head.

"It was my first day with the damned hook."

 

[devil5_advocate]

At this rate we can complie the whole list and sell it in a small book of 500 jokes...

 

[N_Quire]

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with the Godfather?


... An offer you can't understand.

 

[damgo]

American: Do you you speak German?
Frenchman: No.
American: You're welcome.

 

[Stranger]

At this rate we can complie the whole list and sell it in a small book of 500 jokes

you think they are funny enough...

 

[Cartesio]

This New Age lady was was intrigued by the question of life after death and agreed with her father that whoever died first should seek to communicate what it was like on the other side.

Naturally the father was the first to go and the day after his funeral, the daughter was awakened by the smoke alarm going off in her garage – strange because there was no smoke and no fire. Next day the alarm went off again and it finally dawned on the lady that this was her father getting in touch as promised.

Silently, she acknowledged the contact and asked the old man to stop using the smoke alarm because she had to call out the security people every time it went off.

But the alarm went off again the next day and, by now frantic, she called the local priest and explained the whole thing.

He did not think for long. Madam, he said, if the smoke alarm goes off every time your dad gets in touch, where do you think he is a calling from?

 

[devil5_advocate]

hey N_Quire, isn't your avatar that of the Benthic Behemoth from Magic: The Gathering card game?

nice to see a fellow magic player..

 

[Stranger]

Difference between men and women when getting cash from ATM Bank

Men
Drive to the bank, park, go to the cash dispenser
Insert card
Dial code and desired amount
Take the cash, the card and the slip


Women
Drive to the bank
Engine stalled
Check make-up in the mirror
Apply perfume
Manually check haircut
Park the car - failure
Park the car - failure
Park the car - success
Search for the card in the handbag
Insert card, rejected by the machine
Throw phonecard back in handbag
Look for bank card
Insert card
Look for the chit (where secret code written) in handbag
Enter code
Study instructions for 2 minutes
#Cancel#
Re-enter code
#Cancel#
Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code
Enter huge amount
#Error#
Enter large amount
#Error#
Enter smaller amount
Cross fingers
Take cash
Go back to the car
Check make up in rear mirror
Look for keys in handbag
Start car
Drive 50 meters
STOP
Drive back to bank machine
Get out of the car
Take card and ticket back from machine
Go back to the car
Throw card on passenger seat
Throw slip on the floor
Check make up in rear mirror
Manually check haircut
Go into roundabout - wrong way
BRAKE!
Go into roundabout - right way
Drive 5 kilometers
Remove hand brake
Stop at mall
Spend money
Go back to step 1

I'm not sexist...alright...

 

[Stranger]

As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly
> pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade
> chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
>
> Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.
> Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
> bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the
> stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he
> leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
> There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were
> literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was it
> heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
> wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering
> one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing
> on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table.
>
> The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie
> near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually
> made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips
> parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth;
> seemingly bringing him back to life.
>
> What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to
> recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she
> had just used to smack his hand.
>
> "Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."

 

[Les Sleeth]

Entomology

What is a fly without any wings?

A walk.

 

[Les Sleeth]

Physicist's Blues

Every Friday afternoon, a physicist goes down to the
bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat,
which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can
buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always
shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives,
and the physicist makes a particularly heart-wrenching
plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the
bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions,
but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in
that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty
space?"

The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum
physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles
come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know
when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might
suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But
couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every
Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might
say yes."

The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right -- how freaking likely
is THAT to happen?"

 

[J-Man]

You might be an Engineer...
if you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically

------

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and let's the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves

------

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Did you hear the one abut the moronic terrorist, they sent the moron out to blow up a car, and they burned their lips on the exhaust pipe!

 

[RageSk8]

What is brown and sticky?






























A stick.