Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[Redbelly98]

an argument between pi and square root of 2 is going on.
Square root of 2 : be rational man!
Pi : get real!

Or was it π and i ?

 

[Redbelly98]

From, among other places, http://www.jumbojoke.com/product_warnings_for_physicists.html

Pretty funny, even if they did get Newton's law of gravitation wrong.

My favorite is the "100% Matter Product" warning.

Product Warnings for Physicists

Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.

Handle With Extreme Care: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

Caution: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

Consumer Notice: Due to the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.

Advisory: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as tunneling, this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

This Is a 100% Matter Product: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.

Note: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.

Attention: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.

Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

Component Equivalency Notice: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

Health Warning: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its weight is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

 

[Danger]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Atmospheric scientists do it at a bar.

 

[humanino]

I'm sure many of the PFers are quite interested in archaeology.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

In the weeks that followed, not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, the Escanaba Daily Press, a local newspaper in Upper Michigan, reported the following: "After digging over 300 feet in his pasture, Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he'd found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Upper Michigan had already gone wireless."
.
credit
Andrew Heller | The Flint Journal February 06, 2009

 

[Ivan Seeking]

It turns out that plug-in hybrids do not make sense after all. Given a range of thirty miles, the price of the extension cord is ridiculous!

 

[humanino]

Best typo so far in "High Energy, Nuclear, Particle Physics"
[thread=330145]quantum chronodynamics[/thread]

 

[Kaimyn]

Why don't mathermaticians make good quantum physicists?
Because they always stop at Quantum ElectroDynamics!

Ahh, that one will be worth it for the ones who get it...
Or, then again, maybe not...

 

[sylas]

Why was Heisenburg's wife depressed?

Because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy; and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

 

[QuantumED]

Sad Homework excuses.
Teacher, I don't have my homework, as due to Heisenburg's uncertainty principle, I know its speed, which is x m/s, but I don't know its location.

Teacher, I don't have my homework, as due to uncertain nature of reality, it promptly vanished into the mouth of a Canis Familiaris.

______________________________________
If I knew how to get a signature, I'd have one.

 

[Kaimyn]

Sad Homework excuses.
Teacher, I don't have my homework, as due to Heisenburg's uncertainty principle, I know its speed, which is x m/s, but I don't know its location.

Teacher, I don't have my homework, as due to uncertain nature of reality, it promptly vanished into the mouth of a Canis Familiaris.

______________________________________
If I knew how to get a signature, I'd have one.

Building on this:

Teacher, I don't have my homework due to Murphy's law

 

[QuantumED]

lol.

______________
If I knew how to get a signature I'd have one.

 

[Winzer]

Well Copernicus called... And your not the center of the universe!

That one gets me every time. Its gold.

 

[Borek]

http://909sickle.com/s/****-heisenberg/

 

[Markface]

Two scientists walk into a bar with the intention of a drinking contest. The bartender asks them what they'd like to drink. The first scientist says;

"I'd like a glass of H2O please"
"I'd like a glass of H2O too" said the second scientist.

Needless to say, the second scientist lost.

 

[Redbelly98]

"I'd like a glass of H2O too"

​

 

[DaveC426913]

Two scientists walk into a bar with the intention of a drinking contest. The bartender asks them what they'd like to drink. The first scientist says;

"I'd like a glass of H2O please"
"I'd like a glass of H2O too" said the second scientist.

Needless to say, the second scientist lost.

There was a man who drank some water
Poor man he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

 

[archis]

Two students are sitting in the corridor before exam and are waiting for their execution.
-What are you reading?
-Quantum physics.
-Why the book is upside down?
-What's the difference . . . ?

 

[drizzle]

Two students are sitting in the corridor before exam and are waiting for their execution.
-What are you reading?
-Quantum physics.
-Why the book is upside down?
-What's the difference . . . ?

 

[VeeEight]

There was a man who drank some water
Poor man he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

Carlton Banks approves this joke

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/7577/nowwhat.jpg

 

[Ivan Seeking]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXZ1Qg-k3Xc

 

[Nebula815]

New Heavy Element Discovered

LOS ALAMOS (PU) -- The recent fire at Los Alamos had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists. Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years.

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

Governmentium: the heaviest element

 

[Hurkyl]

The Turing test was originally envisioned as a yardstick to measure when artificial intelligence had improved to the point where it could pass as human behavior.

The internet quickly revealed a different application...

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/2048/physicsfail1.png

 

[Netrinobuster]

"Mom, I don't need to tidy up my room. According to quantum mechanics, if you throw things around they tend to organize themselves"



(You should have seen the look on mom's face!)

 

[GreatEscapist]

I'm sure this Newton joke has been thought of before, but my friends and I thought we were oh so clever one day in physics class. It's like the perfect brother-sister argument.
*pokes sister* "Stop touching me! Mom, she's touching me!"
HAHA. Ha. Heh. Knee-slapping 3rd law jokes.

 

[GreatEscapist]

Hooo, I have a lot of nerd jokes.
A kid is taking a class in his chem class, when he comes across this question:
"Describe hard water, and its compounds."
Kid writes:
"Ice."
Heh heh.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbifmRBBN6Q

 

[Mu naught]

Hope this hasn't been told yet.


How can you tell if a mathematician is an introvert or an extrovert?










If he's an extrovert he stares at your shoes.

 

[DaveC426913]

Hope this hasn't been told yet.
How can you tell if a mathematician is an introvert or an extrovert?
If he's an extrovert he stares at your shoes.

No. Totally not told yet.

It was an https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2719118&postcount=41"before!

 

[estro]

Physics Saves Lives

As part of the standard curriculum in a pre-med college, the
students had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the
professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Part
way through the class, a student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do
we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps idiots like you out of medical school,"
replied the professor.

Doctors need to study physics to know how to deal with a patient trying to run away at the speed of light.

 

[Secret]

The best way to kill a person


-> Derive it multiple times!


For waves and e^x, ask them to stand near a mirror and then photograph the reflection
then derive the reflection

For e^x

 

[Gib Z]

How mathematicians do it...

Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or (~(logicians do it)).
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in fields.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real Analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.

Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Mobius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
When Turing did it he couldn't decide if he'd finish.

 

[radou]

The slogan of the most popular cell phone provider in the real number
system: "[0, 1] - connecting people."

...

Given a Jewish metric space, every convergent sequence in it is Kosher.

...

A topological space lies in bed with its wife, Mrs. Lindelöf, and she
says: "Jeez, could you stop opening my bed cover, its chilly around here?"
And the space says: "Oh, relax, you always have your subcovers to count on."



(I hope they're not too bad )

 

[lavster]

does this proton make my mass look big?! :)

 

[M Grandin]

UFO passing speed of light

Two aliens were flying their UFOs. As one of them accelerated passing light velocity,
the other one didn' t keep up with him. He asked: "Why are you lagging?"
- "I am Albert Einstein!"

 

[Raskolnikov]

Here's an extension of a list posted earlier. If anybody can think of any additions to the list, please post :D!

Perspectives of the world:
-------------------------------
Optimist – The glass is half-full.
Pessimist – The glass is half-empty.
Existentialist – The glass is.
Fatalist – The water will evaporate.
Futurist – The water is in the wrong half of the glass.
Feminist – All glasses are equal.
Narcissist – Look at me in the water!
Polygamist – The more glasses the merrier.
Nudist – The glass isn’t wearing anything. Why should I?
Baptist – The Lord in His infinite wisdom hast giveth us only half a glass of water for a reason!
Evangelist – The glass must repent.
Atheist – There is no glass.
Egoist – My glass is bigger than yours.
The Obsessive/Compulsive – There’s a smudge on the glass.
The Government – The glass is fuller than if the opposing party were in power.
Opposing Party – It is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
Republican – Hey, who drank half of my glass of water?
Anarchist – Break the glass.
Revolutionist – Dump the glass out and fill it again.
Socialist – Share the glass.
Capitalist – Sell the glass.
Corporatist – That glass is ours, and only ours.
Market Consultant – Your glass needs resizing.
Actuary – Personally, I think you paid too much for the glass.
Attorney – The glass is half-empty since it believes its compensation is never enough.
Psychiatrist – What did your mother say about the glass?
Psychologist – How does the water feel about the glass?
Philosopher – If the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
Sociologist – I don't know, but it was nice talking about it.
Engineer – The glass is twice as large as its necessary parameters.
Physicist – The cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a liquid, one with a gas.
Logician – Please define 'glass' more precisely.
Mathematician – I don't know if it's half-full or half-empty, but I can tell you an answer exists!
Combinatorialist – The task of choosing an arbitrary water molecule has been reduced to 2 subcases.
PC User – Let's restart it and maybe it will fill up this time.
Mac User – I swear! Apple invented water…or at least made it much better!
Linux User – I’ll turn the water back into oxygen and hydrogen, then take a glass cutter and cut off the top half of the glass. Finally, I'll recompile the water, then drink it…and eat the glass.
Microsoft – The rest of the water will be in the next release.
Pascal Programmer – Well, what type of water is it?
C Programmer – I drink straight from the tap.
Assembly Programmer – I drink straight from the river.
Multimedia Author – That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Copyrights Protection Fanatics – Somebody drank my water and didn’t pay for it!
Free Software Foundation – The water is Nature’s gift to all mankind!
CIA – What makes you think that’s water?
NSA – We know what it really is.

--------------------------
What do you think?

 

[Borek]

There is no spoon.

 

[Danger]

If you guys don't mind a couple from the late 1940's... (I'm combining 2 for the sake of brevity, and my apologies if they've already been posted; I haven't had a chance to read this whole thread).

Q: Why did the nuclear physicist take the day off?
A: He had atomic ache.
Q: What explanatory sign did he hang on his office door?
A: Gone fission.

It's a wonder that we ever survived the cold war, with stuff like that floating around.

 

[jhae2.718]

Here's a really bad joke I came up with while sitting in a very boring lecture on statics in a basic engineering class:

Engineering has its moments...

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A unit Newton.

 

[M Grandin]

Professor adding 17 +13

-"Is there any mathematician here who can evaluate the sum of 17 and 13 for us !?"
- "Yes I can, I am a professor in mathematics!"
- "Then solve the task for us!"
- "Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"

 

[BobG]

Professor adding 17 +13

-"Is there any mathematician here who can evaluate the sum of 17 and 13 for us !?"
- "Yes I can, I am a professor in mathematics!"
- "Then solve the task for us!"
- "Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"

That's an urban legend stemming from a true story.

The actual question was:

"Is there any mathematician here that can explain how to count on our fingers and toes?"
"Yes, I can. I'm a professor in mathematics!"
"So, how high can you count on your fingers and toes?"
"Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"

(Which raises the question as to what type of calculator he had. I could think of one method of counting that would allow him to count up 1,099,511,627,775.)

 

[Andre]

Here's an extension of a list posted earlier. If anybody can think of any additions to the list, please post :D!

Perspectives of the world:
-------------------------------
Optimist – The glass is half-full.
Pessimist – The glass is half-empty.
Existentialist – The glass is.
Fatalist – The water will evaporate.
Futurist – The water is in the wrong half of the glass.
Feminist – All glasses are equal.
Narcissist – Look at me in the water!
Polygamist – The more glasses the merrier.
Nudist – The glass isn’t wearing anything. Why should I?
Baptist – The Lord in His infinite wisdom hast giveth us only half a glass of water for a reason!
Evangelist – The glass must repent.
Atheist – There is no glass.
Egoist – My glass is bigger than yours.
The Obsessive/Compulsive – There’s a smudge on the glass.
The Government – The glass is fuller than if the opposing party were in power.
Opposing Party – It is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
Republican – Hey, who drank half of my glass of water?
Anarchist – Break the glass.
Revolutionist – Dump the glass out and fill it again.
Socialist – Share the glass.
Capitalist – Sell the glass.
Corporatist – That glass is ours, and only ours.
Market Consultant – Your glass needs resizing.
Actuary – Personally, I think you paid too much for the glass.
Attorney – The glass is half-empty since it believes its compensation is never enough.
Psychiatrist – What did your mother say about the glass?
Psychologist – How does the water feel about the glass?
Philosopher – If the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
Sociologist – I don't know, but it was nice talking about it.
Engineer – The glass is twice as large as its necessary parameters.
Physicist – The cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a liquid, one with a gas.
Logician – Please define 'glass' more precisely.
Mathematician – I don't know if it's half-full or half-empty, but I can tell you an answer exists!
Combinatorialist – The task of choosing an arbitrary water molecule has been reduced to 2 subcases.
PC User – Let's restart it and maybe it will fill up this time.
Mac User – I swear! Apple invented water…or at least made it much better!
Linux User – I’ll turn the water back into oxygen and hydrogen, then take a glass cutter and cut off the top half of the glass. Finally, I'll recompile the water, then drink it…and eat the glass.
Microsoft – The rest of the water will be in the next release.
Pascal Programmer – Well, what type of water is it?
C Programmer – I drink straight from the tap.
Assembly Programmer – I drink straight from the river.
Multimedia Author – That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Copyrights Protection Fanatics – Somebody drank my water and didn’t pay for it!
Free Software Foundation – The water is Nature’s gift to all mankind!
CIA – What makes you think that’s water?
NSA – We know what it really is.

--------------------------
What do you think?

Crackpot - This H-twenty has powers

 

[mathwonk]

I tried to read through this thread but didn't make it, so i apologize if these are already here. Two topology jokes:

First a definition:

A topologist is someone who cannot tell the difference between his rear end and a hole and the ground, but can tell the difference between his rear end and two holes in the ground.

Next a joke for those of you who have verified that you are topologists:

What do you get when you cross a chicken and an elephant? [The trivial elephant bundle on a chicken.]

 

[Redbelly98]

I could think of one method of counting that would allow him to count up 1,099,511,627,775.)

What method is that? My thoughts were of 2²⁰-1, as referred to in your signature:

If God meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575 he would have given him more fingers and toes.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

What do you get when you cross a chicken and an elephant?

chicken elephant sine theta.

 

[mathwonk]

isnt that the length of a chicken crossed with an elephant?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Honey, you know I love you, but I have a variant D4 gene.