you ever felt like math was more then just something to use or more then whats outside your work experience, and you just want to explore it and see how it all works; connecting it to things. even using it as makeup; everything. And then you go into the class; and you get failing grades, because you disagree with the teacher a lot; even though deep down inside you focused way too hard and memorized bad habits or bad skills. and just manage to barely pass. but you still really feel hell bent on sticking to "one thing" even though you know thats just gonna make your skills worse; the undying sensation that there is something very special to be found in all of it, work? school? friends? all of now relative importance because you passed even though you didn't get high grades; and you're still recognized as capable. -____- like a unified something; not a structure for every fit; or a all fits all or some stupid "idea" but rather how a special moment becomes what it becomes, in the memory and in the minds of others, such as the feel you get when you use your umbrella to protect someone else and understand how and why it made a difference, evne if it's extremely insignificant to the rest of the world, the very act defines a meaning. I know I was born for this but I feel very alone in the way I do it. I wanted to know if anyone others here felt this way about math, science, and the world in general, all i have is this, and nothing else; and I feel no good at expressing even that.