Two of my nonsense short stories

  • #1
Here are a couple of short stories of mine that you guys are especially gonna hate, as they have deliberatly nonsense science in them, IN SPACE!

Space 1..

I was bored today so i decided to build a spaceship with an FTL-wormhole-warp-engine-thingy out of some old washing machine parts, a brick of cocaine, the soul of an ancient zoroastrian philosopher, loads of science, and a zombie cat (which being simultaneously dead and alive enabled me to reverse and utilize schrodinger’s paradox).

I explored inter-stellar space for a while, which was pretty cool, but after a while became a bit samey. Until i found a super advanced alien race! Despite never having had any contact with earth, they just happened look exactly like humans, except for the lumpy heads, and they spoke perfect English, which was a dashed handy coincidence!

so me and some of their leaders got to chatting about stuff and it turned out that despite being technologically advanced well beyond humanity, there was a lot of stuff they hadn’t invented, like automatic guns, atomic and chemical weaponry and cassette players, which was a bummer ‘cause I’d brought a mix tape half way across the galaxy for them. so i taught them all about these things while they taught me all about their culture.

Their culture was very interesting, they viewed the leaders both as servants and lowly administers to the people, and as paragons of honesty and justice. i was going to ask how they managed to keep the people convinced of their honesty but it turned out that they actually DID just tell the truth about stuff!!

Needless to say, they were awful at manipulating the people, and these guys had terrible quality of life, their standard of living was no grander than that of the commoners! Which was actually really very good, but that’s not the point!

so i taught them how to better themselves by taking advantage of the people they have power over so as to gain even more power and have lotsa money and affairs and stuff. affairs being something else i had to teach them about ‘cause they had this funny notion of relationship being important and meaningful and not to be exploited for some reason..

so, one of them asks me

"I say. what of the others? if we are to take all of the funds for ourselves and our mistresses, then there would surely be an inadequacy of resources with regard to the remaining populous?”

so i go on to explain that once they begin to establish the foundations of an inequitable class structure, the people at the bottom will slowly begin to accept their lot. and if it becomes too much of a problem they can always take extra resources from yonder lands with their new weapons technology!

all of this innovating would have made me very rich once I’d established an exploitative capitalist structure like a proper society, but i couldn’t be arsed with all the bureaucracy involved in making a bank account, also they had this weird system of having their banking controlled by a trustworthy establishment body rather than handing their entire economic infrastructure to private individuals to gamble with, that was all far too complicated for me so i just came home, but they said they’d visit earth soon, once they’ve got the weapons manufacturing underway and got all of my reformative ideas in play, won’t that be nice.

Space 2..

I was bored again today so i decided to take my spaceship out for a spin to go find a fun space party or something.

I took off, turned on my super space engine thingy, and put myself in a trajectory that would zoop me strait to a far distant star system halfway across the galaxy. But i was only half way to the moon when i saw a menacing black spaceship floatin' round the earth! they clearly had evil intents and such.

I kinda couldn't be bothered dealing with some big invasion of extra-stelar evil-doers so i considered just carrying on somewhere else and leaving humanity to destruction or enslavement or rapey experimentation, but thought i might feel bad about it sometime later, so i put on the brakes and zooped over there to have a look.

Yeah.. that’s pretty much how space travel works, just lots of zooping. You only have to consider gravitational arcs and velocity and stuff if you don't happen have inexplicably inexhaustible amounts of energy used in an entirely carless and reckless fashion like they have in films, and also like what i do.

Anyway, i zooped over and took a peek in the window.

Inside there were these super yucky dark exoskeletoned monster things with several oily black eyes sitting round a table talking to each other with their face tendrils.

I took my spying equipment out of my ship and used bluetack to attach one of the yogurt pots to the window and took the pot at the other end of the string back in my ship where i sat to listen in to their evil plans.

'Twas then that i realised that, unlike most of the previously unencountered alien races that i had found, they didn't happen to speak English.

So i started translating.. and i tell ya, translating the idioms of a species from an entirely separate evolutionary path is no easy task! But then i realised i could just use google translate and select "detect language" and plug in the USB smellometer for the pheromones.

so here's the copy-paste of what they said.

"-and so the narcotic salesman said to the floobleplap "Why is it that your is face of that length?" hahahahah"


"Good one! anyway, how have our investigations of the sentient fleshy things on this planet been going?"

"We have discovered much, but most of our answers have been the sort to produce further questions, the most notable being the apparent improbability of their reproductive mechanics."

"What do you mean? have we not established that they reproduce by a diploid mechanism like shlachs or floobleplaps?"

"Yes, however it is not the physical mechanics that are causing us confusion, but rather that we do not understand how the initiation of these mechanics comes to be, as they seem to have revulsion of their own pink squidgy forms.

"Ha, well i sure get that. Imagine having your exoskeleton on the inside and your fleshy bits on the outside.. Yuk!
But seriously, what do you mean? How can they exist if it is as you say?"

"That's just it, we have no idea!
They seem to find themselves just as disgusting as we do. They keep most of their bodies concealed with coverings constructed of interwoven fibres. They hide themselves away in specially dedicated rooms to excrete waste just so as save each other from the horror of the relieved flesh."

"Fascinating" [this was said as it shat into a hole in the wall]

"The planet wide information network, which we have discussed previously, seems to comprise largely of what we assume to be video tutorials for the reproductive interaction. (which, by the way, seem to suggest that the seed of one of the genders, the outie one, can be placed within any orifice of any gender for the procreative ritual to conclude.) But these videos seem to be most prominently watched by the outie gender while they clean their fluid excretion tendrils. Perhaps witnessing something that they find so disgusting encourages them to achieve a much greater polish, as it does appear to be something they put allot of effort in to.
In conclusion, we feel that the only reason that they reproduce at all is with the intellectual acknowledgement that doing the repulsive act is for the good of the species.
What's really strange to me personally is that the one thing about them that only some of them find feel the need to cover up, is what is most repulsive about them. Those countless slender protrusions from the top of their heads that just dangle lifelessly.. Yigh.. Just talking about them make feel ill and itchy all over."

"Well, i'm sorry to press a subject of such abhorrence to you, but this does lead us neatly on to.. Them.."

"Yes i know, as much as it sickens me to my core, "they" must be discussed........

Still very little is known of them, but i shall try to summarise what little there is for those here that are new to the subject.. Within the homes of many of the previously discussed industrious creatures of this plane, live 'the other ones'.

They differ in greatly in form and coloration presumably by selective breeding, probably some utilitarian cast system so as to more specifically allocate they're unknown powers, but generally, they are small quadrupedal creatures with a strange extra limb protruding from their hinds, they are covered entirely in these repulsive slender protrusions, and they have absolute control!

They are fed by the bipeds with special food made for them in facilities that only they are allowed to eat and they provide nothing in return.

As I’ve stated, they differ greatly in form, but there seems to be two main genetic groups, which some of us have speculated may in fact be of separate evolutionary origin, one is generally smaller, largely inactive and more agile. While the other is louder and more energetic. There seems to be some animosity between the two, but that doesn't seem to prevent them from achieving their goals."

"What goals? And you mentioned.. powers?"

"Well they must have some means of control over the bipeds, why else would they allow this strange dominion over them? The bipeds are bigger, have tools, and are much greater in number. Eradicating.. 'them' should be the easiest thing in the world, why haven't they achieved it long ago?"

"Are.. Are you talking about mind control?.. Like some kind of.. Magic!?"

"I don't know.. maybe.. There are several theories among my team, some have concluded physic powers. some that there is some kind of symbiotic parasite that reproduces in the gut of the smaller of the quadrupeds which alters the brain function of their prey. Some that it is simply fear of some great apocalyptic threat.

But my theory is as follows.

The bipeds are a genetically engineered slave race that are physiologically compelled to obey. This would explain why they do not find any attraction to one-another as one would think to be necessary for diploid reproductive evolution. And why the one thing they rarely cover is that repugnant top of the head stuff, it's a gift from their creators to emulate them.

This theory would imply that "they" would not be a threat to us since they haven't engineered US to be obedient.. But i sure wouldn't want to take the risk of getting too close to one..."

"Hang on.. Do you not think you're being a little hysterical here.. Perhaps they are some lower creature that are being taken in out of kindness or because they enjoy their company? And even if they are in charge, it doesn't seem that they are really all that oppressive."

" Dude! Are your seriously condoning slavery!? "Well as long as you're kind of nice to your slaves that ok".. Not cool! I personally saw one of them scratch one of the bipeds for not feeding it fast enough! that’s not acceptable!

And its not like they NEED to be "cared" for. We actually found a group of the larger of the two main casts living out in a forest. I assume they branched of from the others some time ago in a political schism or something, as they were living as luddites out in the open without any of the technological amenities that the others have.

Besides! If you had seen them for yourself you'd know how absurd you sound saying anything would have them in their home by choice!.. Hang on, i can get a picture..

[the thing that's talking started twiddling some tendrils over a device]

The information network is quite evenly divided between reproduction tutorials and pictures of these things.. So i can show you...

[A screen (holographic ofcourse) appeared showing a picture of a kitten and a puppy in a basket. This preceded sounds of disgust, terror and vomiting]

"..You will hear no more argument out of me.. Those things are monsters to be sure"

"Those are just the infants"

[more terrified murmuring]

"they don't have space travel, do they..?"

"Well i hear that one of "them" was the first thing to make it to space, but they now use the bipeds for further experimentation, they've put them as are as that moon and have automated surveillance even further out."


So off they zooped, and i only had about half an AU of string for my yogurt pots so i didn't bother trying to keep listing in, and that all went on about cats and dogs allot longer than i thought so i just decided to leave it there and go home.

So what do ya think?
Please don't bother scrutinising the science... Or the grammer..

Answers and Replies

  • #2
Why post stories if you don't want us to critique them?

What is the point?

A story needs to speak to you, to be somewhat consistent and believable to be appreciated.

I can say from my quick read that they are a collection of wonderful words written is a stream of consciousness style of flow.

If you're serious about your writing you might like to read Orson Scott Card's book of science fiction writing:

Another good resource where you might make some real money is the Saves The Cat book by Blake Snyder where he shows you how to write a screenplay with a variety of formulas. Its almost ike a cookbook for screenplay writing.
  • #3
i don't really mind critique, that was just a half joking disclaimer for the awful grammar and sentence structure, and to say that i am actually aware that the schrodinger reference has no baring on the concept he was actually positing.. and that spaceships don't have brakes..

i'm not at all a serious writer, i have a few ruff starts to some serious pieces but the only things that ever approach completion are when i'm in the mood to scrawl out some silly expositional ramblings.

but thanks, i may check those out.
  • #4
Gold Member
One critique is the kitten and puppy reference - let the reader wonder, and wonder some more while having a coffee 2 days later.
For just ramblings as you state, it is not all that bad.

( Not as any type of comparison to your story, but along a similar line, around the time of the car, picket fence, and the "pave paradise, put up a parking lot" anti-theme of the artistic community, someone had written a short story about some aliens arriving on ( to, onto, upon, hmmm ) earth, and commenting upon the society of the metallic inhabitants with fleshy and squishy inside parts. The thing is I still remember the story theme, if not the complete details )

Related Threads on Two of my nonsense short stories

  • Last Post
  • Sticky
  • Last Post
  • Last Post
  • Last Post
  • Last Post