What Do You Do If You Were a Rock Star?

[Messiah]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What would you do if, while you were waiting for a bus, a person came over to you, asking you the time, you looked at your watch, fell into an alternate reality in which "Everything was Everywhere" (all at once) recognizing it immediately as "NO" space, you jumped out, into the lack of dimension, and you ended up in the arms of...what?

Mass destruction, of course - but that goes back to W, doesn't it?
But what would you do E didn't equal Mc^2?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Messiah
But what would you do E didn't equal Mc^2?

I think I would feel rather like the guy who went up a mountain and came down a molehill.What do you do if, having counted your chickens before they hatched, you are stunned when every egg bears quintuplets?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if, having counted your chickens before they hatched, you are stunned when every egg bears quintuplets?

Buy a wheelbarrow, head towards (( Bank )) make deposition... then eat brekie, Sunny side all over...

What do you do if while frying up a couple of "Sunny Side all over" eggies, they start complaining about their present treatment, and call the poeple at PETA?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if while frying up a couple of "Sunny Side all over" eggies, they start complaining about their present treatment, and call the poeple at PETA?

Those poeple (sic)
Will find it woefull.

-Ogden ZoobWhat do you do if you are enjoying a demi-tasse of café at an outdoor table in the beautiful autumn weather of Paris at Le Café Du Lapin Dormant when le garçon brings you a note from a woman sitting alone in the shade at the other side of the terrace which says:"Voulez vous splerfunctate avec moi,ce soir?"

 

[Math Is Hard]

What do you do if you are enjoying a demi-tasse of café at an outdoor table in the beautiful autumn weather of Paris at Le Café Du Lapin Dormant when le garçon brings you a note from a woman sitting alone in the shade at the other side of the terrace which says:"Voulez vous splerfunctate avec moi,ce soir?"

Beware! This is a very dangerous Scrabble hustler who is challenging you to a game for money. The cafes of Paris are crawling with these crafty con-artists. Unless you are an unusually deft player, politely decline her invitation.

What do you do if you discover that the shady lady is in cahoots with the waiter who has most likely mickeyed your drink and two hours from now you'll wake up on the pavement with your wallet gone and a screaming headache and a single wooden tile with a "W" etched into it still clasped in your palm?

 

[Messiah]

Originally posted by Math Is Hard
What do you do if you discover that the shady lady is in cahoots with the waiter who has most likely mickeyed your drink and two hours from now you'll wake up on the pavement with your wallet gone and a screaming headache and a single wooden tile with a "W" etched into it still clasped in your palm?

I'd hustle on down to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and ask for my wallet back.

But what would you do if you had read the tile upside down?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Messiah
But what would you do if you had read the tile upside down?

That would clearly be a case where splerfunctation would be in order.What do you do if you're floating on your back in the Seine with a photograph of a painting of Russian Czar Ivan Drozny proped up on your chest to remind you why you're happy you weren't born during his dreadfull reign, when a sealed suitcase comes drifting by which turns out to be full of
leprechauns who have illegally crossed the channel from Ireland and are planning on occupying the Eiffel tower until they are granted citizenship and free whisky for life?

 

[Messiah]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you're floating on your back in the Seine with a photograph of a painting of Russian Czar Ivan Drozny proped up on your chest to remind you why you're happy you weren't born during his dreadfull reign, when a sealed suitcase comes drifting by which turns out to be full of
leprechauns who have illegally crossed the channel from Ireland and are planning on occupying the Eiffel tower until they are granted citizenship and free whisky for life?

I would reflect on the fact that I was, indeed, certifiably in-Seine and dismiss the episode entirely.

But what would you do if Dish Network entirely dismissed an episode of SOUTH PARK??

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by Messiah
But what would you do if Dish Network entirely dismissed an episode of SOUTH PARK??

Send them a notice of 'Dishmissial'...

What would you do if your neighbour was your best friend, by your "cousin's" wife...?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What would you do if your neighbour was your best friend, by your "cousin's" wife...?

Nay, bars[/color] should never entirely be trusted. They always look to the furtherment of the institution and not the individual.

What do you do if your neighbour and wife was cuzzin' at you at the bar, every other night, on the other nights?

 

[Messiah]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if your neighbour and wife was cuzzin' at you at the bar, every other night, on the other nights?

End the discuss'n, of course. But what if your sister, the nun, became irate and called you "your brother's father"?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Messiah
But what if your sister, the nun, became irate and called you "your brother's father"?

I always rate, first of all, and i wouldn't say second to nun, thank you very much.

What do you do if, despite the pecking order, this Sister is abominably right?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if, despite the pecking order, this Sister is abominably right?

Take the Left, at 'Beatifiedly' wrong!

What do you do if your sister, likes your sister, better then you?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if your sister, likes your sister, better then you?

What do you "mean" by "sister"? Do you mean "sis-ter", `si-ster' sistah[/color], si (ni) ster, "Sin[/color]"ster,
s[p][/color]i[n][/color]ster, or any of the hundreds of other pseudo-double meanings the word could be tortured into having with no particularly humorous result?What do you do if you notice Mean Mr. Mustard flapping his pole at innocent, young school girls passing on their way to the candy store?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you notice Mean Mr. Mustard flapping his pole at innocent, young school girls passing on their way to the candy store?

Give him an Oscar (Meyer Wiener) he can flap instead and, in your best Queen's English, suggest we be on our way home.

What do you do if you can't ketchup to him?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if you can't ketchup to him?

Relish the spiceness of the moment, And pass any further 'colmdiments' on to Peter Pickler, Please!

What do you do if Peter Pickler is out pickling with him Wife Patricka?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if Peter Pickler is out pickling with him Wife Patricka?

"...with him Wife Patricka"? Peter is either a refugee from an Indian band in a 1930's western, or a proponent of the new gay marriage. I find papricka to be a superfluous spice, one way or the other.What do you do if you are leaning toward a conclusion when all of a sudden a chaotic reversal occurs and renders you to be tending toward an opinion?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are leaning toward a conclusion when all of a sudden a chaotic reversal occurs and renders you to be tending toward an opinion?

Generally, speaking people with leaning tendancies, tend to lean in a direction of "inability to decide", properly, for themselves, anyways, so...why bother...

What do you do if'n you ain't going to bodher, no more!?

EDIT (no{t} really) No typo's were "in-jured" (En-dured, yes!) in the execution of the type!

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if'n you ain't going to bodher, no more!?

It's funny you should ax that quetion because, recently, when I was incarcerated for extortion, contortion, and other crimes of torque, there wasn't much room so they had to squeeze me in between drunk and disorderly, 6'4' football halfback, Ed Johnson, and 350 lb. ice cream thief and couch potato, Richie Wilson. I was caught between a jock and a lard face.In truth I was innocent. Leonard Nimoy wouldn't give me his autograph, so I followed him down the street pleading. He got fed up and whistled, whereupon a burley, uniformed man appeared with a can of pepper spray. What do you do if you're caught between Spock and his guard's mace?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
In truth I was innocent. Leonard Nimoy wouldn't give me his autograph, so I followed him down the street pleading. He got fed up and whistled, whereupon a burley, uniformed man appeared with a can of pepper spray. What do you do if you're caught between Spock and his guard's mace?

Simply doing what is logical should avoid maceration and placate the green-blooded elvenkind.

What do you do if you bought a lot of stock in lard, and it vanishes without a trace?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if you bought a lot of stock in lard, and it vanishes without a trace?

Clearly a case of Lard-Abduction by gray space aliens intent upon breeding a newer, plumper alien-lard hybrid.

What do you do if your pet goldfish, Ellen, teaches herself to hold her breath for ten minutes at a time and uses this superpower to entertain herself by sneaking out of her bowl at night to turn on the television and various other electrical devices to gleefully snicker at your amazed confusion and consternation as you rush around checking door locks and looking under the couch for prowlers?

 

[Math Is Hard]

Easy. You lock up her bowl at night.

But what do you do if you mildew?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by Math Is Hard
But what do you do if you mildew?

Well last time I had to Mil the Dew, well, I tell you, getting out that micrometer of Zoobyshoes is about as difficult as growing your sheeps skins as long as their hair/wool, and that dew, WOW vanishes in the mist like it was water or something, Yikes!

What do you do if the question reads: Yikes!?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if the question reads: Yikes!?

Perform breathing exercises and tell yourself it's just a screen.

What do you do if you simply cannot work yourself up to the task at hand?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if you simply cannot work yourself up to the task at hand?

Use your feet...

What do you do if you need to use your feet, but they are bound, and gagged?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you need to use your feet, but they are bound, and gagged?

Ehhhh, open foot, insert mouth? Anyway, sounds kinky to me.

What do you do if there's a little green man in your head, and the Kinks won't stop telling you about it?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if there's a little green man in your head, and the Kinks won't stop telling you about it?

Stop using the CD 'tray' as a cup holder, and the sensation of repeating musical will either diminish, evaporate, or get greatly louder instantly...as for the kinks, well sounds Kinky to me to, two's too...!

What do you do if you can feel the sexuality in the air, from a myriad of persons of the opposite sex, but no one is willing to satisfy the intensity?

 

[Math Is Hard]

What do you do if you can feel the sexuality in the air, from a myriad of persons of the opposite sex, but no one is willing to satisfy the intensity?

I suppose you take matters into your own hands.


What do you do if your hands fall asleep?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Math Is Hard
What do you do if your hands fall asleep?

Do not fret. Ron Popeil is hard at work as we speak on his amazing new Manual Reinvigoration Finger And Palm Massager which is guarranteed to refresh all tired, sleepy, or fatigued forepaws on any creature with an opposable thumb. Great for card players, computer programmers, oyster shuckers, concert pianists, and anyone who has to take matters into their own hands.What do you do if while painting your masterpiece, Portrait of the Artist as Whistler's Mother's Son while pretending to be Etching a Self Portrait in a Reflecting Globe Just After Having Changed Out His Blue Boy Costume Prior to a Short Sketching Session at the Moulin Rouge your cat, Cynthia, jumps up onto your pallet and smears your careful mixture of viridian green and cerulian blue into the nearby blob of cadmium red, along with several blades of freshly cut grass and one ladybug?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if while painting your masterpiece, Portrait of the Artist as Whistler's Mother's Son while pretending to be Etching a Self Portrait in a Reflecting Globe Just After Having Changed Out His Blue Boy Costume Prior to a Short Sketching Session at the Moulin Rouge your cat, Cynthia, jumps up onto your pallet and smears your careful mixture of viridian green and cerulian blue into the nearby blob of cadmium red, along with several blades of freshly cut grass and one ladybug?

Scream Eureka and grab the varnish!

What do you do if your varnish has hardened and the painting is suffering oxygen degradation because of it's NEED of said varnish??

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if your varnish has hardened and the painting is suffering oxygen degradation because of it's NEED of said varnish??

This is one of those unsual cases where simply not thinking about the problem will make it go away: the painting will soon vanish.

What do you do if you the painting vanishes, but the ladybug does not, and she would like to fly away home but for the unfortunate residue of Cerulean blue which is pasting her wings together making flight quite an impossibility, not to mention rendering her unrecognizable to her kind and therefore likely to be repelled by her young and expelled from her very home, were she even able to get there?

 

[Messiah]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if you the painting vanishes, but the ladybug does not, and she would like to fly away home but for the unfortunate residue of Cerulean blue which is pasting her wings together making flight quite an impossibility, not to mention rendering her unrecognizable to her kind and therefore likely to be repelled by her young and expelled from her very home, were she even able to get there?

I'd buy her two tickets on Southwest airlines, tell her to find a body painter and send regards to her family.

But what would you do if the left wing of the airplane fell off - in fact the left wing of EVERY airplane fell off - and you discovered it was a gigantic left-wing conspiracy?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Messiah
what would you do if the left wing of the airplane fell off - in fact the left wing of EVERY airplane fell off - and you discovered it was a gigantic left-wing conspiracy?

No surprise really. The left wing has been challenged from the start... since the Wright brothers pioneered aircraft and flight as we know it.

What do you do if the What Do You Do If thread has become so riddled with lefts, rights and wrongs it is impossible to determine the orientation of the plane, which way is up, or which wing is which, so you cannot make heads let alone (what do you do if) tales out of anything any more?

 

[Messiah]

Originally posted by firefly

What do you do if the What Do You Do If thread has become so riddled with lefts, rights and wrongs it is impossible to determine the orientation of the plane, which way is up, or which wing is which, so you cannot make heads let alone (what do you do if) tales out of anything any more?

I'd CRASH - then start over with

Q : What Do You Do If you were A Very Popular Rock Star ?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by Messiah
Q : What Do You Do If you were A Very Popular Rock Star ?

I'd CRASH - then start over with

What would you do if you could do if?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Messiah
What Do You Do If you were A Very Popular Rock Star ?

Neither a planet nor a star, I guess I'd be an oxymoron. At the height of my success, the best I might hope for is a special episode of Nova.

What do you do if you're scuba-diving in the Lesser Antilles and you realize you have barely enough oxygen left to get you to the surface without bubbling nitrogen through your blood... but just as you're about to set off, The Little Mermaid appears out of nowhere and hypnotizes you into a delightful dream of dances with the druids, from which you awake startled to hear her bubbling laughter recede in a manner strangely reminiscent of sparkling sangria on a summer's day?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if you're scuba-diving in the Lesser Antilles and you realize you have barely enough oxygen left to get you to the surface without bubbling nitrogen through your blood... but just as you're about to set off, The Little Mermaid appears out of nowhere and hypnotizes you into a delightful dream of dances with the druids, from which you awake startled to hear her bubbling laughter recede in a manner strangely reminiscent of sparkling sangria on a summer's day?

Realize that I had just died, but that death was the same as life, or so it seemed, so I would go on living...hoping that the mermaided would return, and especially with a refill on that Sangria Yummmmmmmmmieeeeeeee!

What do you do if you couldn't do if?

(One more time, or Too Two's to...)

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if you're scuba-diving in the Lesser Antilles and you realize you have barely enough oxygen left to get you to the surface without bubbling nitrogen through your blood... but just as you're about to set off, The Little Mermaid appears out of nowhere and hypnotizes you into a delightful dream of dances with the druids, from which you awake startled to hear her bubbling laughter recede in a manner strangely reminiscent of sparkling sangria on a summer's day?

Freud would interpret this rapture of the deep as expressing a long repressed desire to do a drunk druid dance, saucily sipping sangria. The mermaid represents the French maid costume you would like to wear while doing this (Mer=sea in French).

What do you do if you discover that in the land of French sea maids, all females are waited on hand and foot by self contained above water nitrogen breathing druid garçons whose supply of sangria is endless, and who enjoy rowing you around the perifery of any of the lesser Antilles in Venetian gondolas, who enjoy carrying you around the perifery of any anthill, and who will read Proust to you while you eat, service compris?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you discover that in the land of French sea maids, all females are waited on hand and foot by self contained above water nitrogen breathing druid garçons whose supply of sangria is endless, and who enjoy rowing you around the perifery of any of the lesser Antilles in Venetian gondolas, who enjoy carrying you around the perifery of any anthill, and who will read Proust to you while you eat, service compris?

Definately...LEAVE!

What do you do if you have left?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you have left?

Return.What do you do if the subservient, nitrogenous, druid garçons of the lesser Antilles decide to hold a sea maid beauty contest to see who will become their queen and ruler and Mr. Robin Parsons keeps trying to fill out an entry form as a contestant despite the fact he is universally considered unappealing by all standards of beauty when wearing a French maid's uniform, a mermaid costume, or coconut brassiere?

 

[Math Is Hard]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if the subservient, nitrogenous, druid garçons of the lesser Antilles decide to hold a sea maid beauty contest to see who will become their queen and ruler and Mr. Robin Parsons keeps trying to fill out an entry form as a contestant despite the fact he is universally considered unappealing by all standards of beauty when wearing a French maid's uniform, a mermaid costume, or coconut brassiere?

You send him to a cosmologist to make him more "universally" appealling.

What do you do if your mother's father's daughter turns out to be your sister's cousin's aunt?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Math Is Hard
What do you do if your mother's father's daughter turns out to be your sister's cousin's aunt?

In most countries you are stuck with the situation. In New Zealand, however, due to an archaic law that has never been struck from the books it is possible to forcibly demote any first cousin to second or third cousin by completely tattooing your face with grotesque designs and performing a series of hideous grimaces until they are intimidated into submission.

What do you do if in the darkest room of the darkest house on the darkest street of the darkest city you find a scrap of paper laying on the floor with the word scootogenic written on it in the black blood of a hoot owl who died from the bite of a black bat who caught rabies from a flea that had traveled on the back of a mangey great dane on a ship around Cape Horn from San Francisco in the year !888?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if in the darkest room of the darkest house on the darkest street of the darkest city you find a scrap of paper laying on the floor with the word scootogenic written on it in the black blood of a hoot owl who died from the bite of a black bat who caught rabies from a flea that had traveled on the back of a mangey great dane on a ship around Cape Horn from San Francisco in the year !888?

In the year !888, you say? Ahhhh! I daresay therein lies the key to your quetion, for it is a documented hysterical fact that in the year !888 the Great Doge of Venice, returned, after a long exile, having been forced to flea a few years prior by the unseemly hysterisms of his second cousin, twice removed. And this leader brought with him, from the land of his roots, a vast supply of Danish pastry... so, I would eat pastry by golly yes, eat delicious danish pastry!

What do you do if said Danish Delights, which satisfied the midnight cravings of all Venetians (including anyone batty, and those who did not give a hoot) also served the ghastly purposes of the Venusians and their guileful comings and goings, masquerading as genuine citizens who later went so far as to coin the Latin chant, "Venite adoremus," (since adopted, ironically, as a Christian carol), such that these aliens were able for centuries hence to remain infiltrated, feigning loyalty by way of sweets and song?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if said Danish Delights, which satisfied the midnight cravings of all Venetians (including anyone batty, and those who did not give a hoot) also served the ghastly purposes of the Venusians and their guileful comings and goings, masquerading as genuine citizens who later went so far as to coin the Latin chant, "Venite adoremus," (since adopted, ironically, as a Christian carol), such that these aliens were able for centuries hence to remain infiltrated, feigning loyalty by way of sweets and song?

I would say, then, "There is something rotten in the state of these danish." And I would pass the info along to the three musketeers at The Lone Gunman in the hopes they would place a call to the Lonely agent Mulder and the Lovely agent Scully (whose Latin is not lacking since her Catholicism is Currant, as are her danish, and whose buns, not the currant ones, come, let us adore them). And it is because of their fondness for sweet Danish that we now know why the gray space aliens have no teeth left.

What do you do if you have been hard at work translating news from Italian into English, you publish it on the web, and then you discover that it is a secret code giving the signal to all sweet-craving de-dentured indentured, dented gray space aliens to now disdain the Danish during the Dunkin' Donuts Dormancy Deregulation Drive?

 

[MSI]

i will make some tea .. so i won't sleep trying to get your question

what do you do if you saw god coming to you, telling you "greetings human ! you are the next prophet, you lead ppl back to the right way" ?

 

[laminatedevildoll]

i will make some tea .. so i won't sleep trying to get your question
what do you do if you saw god coming to you, telling you "greetings human ! you are the next prophet, you lead ppl back to the right way" ?

I would say 'I will try to lead them in the right path, but the final decisions they make are up to them.'

What would you do if someone gave you a dirty look?

 

[Townsend]

I would say 'I will try to lead them in the right path, but the final decisions they make are up to them.'
What would you do if someone gave you a dirty look?

I would try to have sex with them...

What would you do if suddenly found your self naked, tied to a bed and covered in oil?

 

[laminatedevildoll]

I would try to have sex with them...
What would you do if suddenly found your self naked, tied to a bed and covered in oil?

I would try to guess the kind of oil I am covered in. Hopefully, it's not some cheap stuff from kmart.

What would you do if you son was at home crying out loud in the bedroom floor cos he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to get with a man for a little bit of money?

 

[Andy]

Let the lil bugger starve!

What would you do if you didnt know how to spell starve?

 

[zoobyshoe]

What would you do if you didnt know how to spell starve?

I don't know, but I'm subtracting 40 point from your score for asking "What would you do if..."

What do you do if you're hanging by three toenails from a tall crane over a lake of giant squid ink?