Why do we care if we offend people?

[Hepth]

Regardless, you aren't differentiating between a deliberate act and an unintentional one. I'm not going to deliberately offend you when speaking to you, but that doesn't mean I'm going to consider every little thing I say just incase it may cause you offence.

This is what I have a problem with. I've had this discussion before with people and it seems like a cop-out to say "I shouldn't have to watch my words as you MAY be offended/humiliated/angered/etc unintentionally." That somehow you should be treated as a child who can't watch what they say because, well, its difficult? or something?

If you have the mental capacity to think about what you say before you blurt it out, you should especially if its things that may offend others.

The things most people get offended about are not small slips or misunderstandings. They are about abuse of words that usually extend to racism/sexism/etc.

I understand (as I hope you do) that its NOT black and white. There is no LINE. If you say something about dogs and I'm offended because I was abused by dogs as a child, well, that's not your fault. If you deliberately call your friend a slur, say "F*gg*t", and my gay friend I'm with overhears, and is offended, you ARE at fault. You can't claim "Well I shouldn't have to mind what I say in public places. Thats too P.C." Thats BS>

 

[JaredJames]

I understand (as I hope you do) that its NOT black and white. There is no LINE. If you say something about dogs and I'm offended because I was abused by dogs as a child, well, that's not your fault. If you deliberately call your friend a slur, say "F*gg*t", and my gay friend I'm with overhears, and is offended, you ARE at fault. You can't claim "Well I shouldn't have to mind what I say in public places. Thats too P.C." Thats BS>

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

In the first part of your post you, as per Nicodemus, seem to misunderstand what I'm talking about when I say "a deliberate act".

If I'm not deliberately abusive, as per your first example it's a case of sh*t happens. It wasn't an intentional act, heck it wasn't even abusive. In your second it's being deliberately abusive (even if not directly to the person). Simple as that.

I'm curious if people understand the difference between speaking offensively - deliberately offending someone, and speaking normally (no offensive language) - and someone simply taking offence.

 

[GeorginaS]

The first thing I thought about when I saw this thread was

That fellow is seriously funny! Thank you! I've not seen him before.

 

[GeorginaS]

Okay, now, fine, but the question, as I understand it, is: why do we care if we offend people?

Preface to this: yes, yes, yes, some people seemingly live to be offended, and yes, there are political and/or socially hyper-sensitive groups who seem to define themselves by the ways in which they can be offended, and those people are beyond annoying. Yes.

But why do we care? Because we're social creatures. Because we function, largely, best in groups, as a collective. The total being greater than the sum of each individual part and all of that. And being social, we need to co-operate, so we learn skills such as tact and diplomacy in order to hone our socialising and co-operation skills.

People here are giving examples of that and how one need not be "offensive" in order to be forthright, honest, and truthful. You employ a bit of empathy and choose the words you're about to deploy in such a way as to achieve maximum effect. You don't get the best results from another human being should you behave in a way that's offensive. So you take care.

It's all about getting the maximum bang for your buck. If you want to incite conflict or disagreement, or cause someone else to feel sad or shamed, and therefore get defensive, whereby the odds are good they'll strike out at you, then go ahead, say something deliberately provocative. Or mean. Or rude. It'll work. If that's the end you'd like to achieve, it's certainly doable.

The point is is that most people don't have the time or energy or resources or drive to deal with constant conflict. Generally, the quickest means to any ends is co-operatively. Hence why we care whether or not we offend people.

And/or if we're using the word "care" in the emotional sense, then it's largely the same thing but with a larger empathetic component. We "care" in that sense because our words have caused another person some sort of psychic harm. We've inflicted pain -- deliberately or not -- and that makes an awful lot of us uncomfortable because of the empathetic angle. So we prefer not to do that.

Do I get offended? Yes, sometimes people are rude or mean or cruel and say things that just aren't fair or warranted or are just plain insulting. And that hurts. How offended I'll feel depends, of course, on how much I value that particular person and their opinions. If they don't mean a great deal to me, it's more difficult for them to harm me. I don't get riled over differing opinions or any of that sort of nonsense. I am, however, human and have feelings, and, yes, I can be hurt with words. That people care makes my world a better place.

 

[Nicodemus]

I clearly don't understand your position jarednjames, and you seem to be missing my point that, "deliberate", counts for about as much with offending people as motive does with murder.

 

[brainstorm]

What is this nonsense I have been trained to believe in? Why do people get offended over anything? What does it even feel like to be offended?

It feels like you would feel as a teaching assistant if someone complained to you about their grade. It feels like any boundary you've set has been crossed without any respect for your reason for setting it as a boundary in the first place.

 

[JaredJames]

I clearly don't understand your position jarednjames, and you seem to be missing my point that, "deliberate", counts for about as much with offending people as motive does with murder.

1. Did you read post #32? That clarifies the difference between deliberately being offensive and unintentionally saying something.

2. Motive is a major factor in murder.

3. 'Deliberate' is also an important factor - it's one of the main reasons we distinguish between murder and manslaughter.

 

[Nicodemus]

1. Did you read post #32? That clarifies the difference between deliberately being offensive and unintentionally saying something.

2. Motive is a major factor in murder.

3. 'Deliberate' is also an important factor - it's one of the main reasons we distinguish between murder and manslaughter.

You keep saying deliberate, but much offense given and taken is NOT deliberate. I don't see where in my posts I've been arguing that. I just said what I thought, you jumped on it, and now you're qualifying the whole argument in a way I never did. When you figure out what you're actually debating, get back to me.

 

[JaredJames]

You keep saying deliberate, but much offense given and taken is NOT deliberate. I don't see where in my posts I've been arguing that.

The topic is why do we care if we offend people. I only care about offending someone if I do it deliberately. If it is unintentional on my part (as per the dog example) then I simply don't care if you are offended by what I say. That's all there is to it, for me. If others care about offending someone, as per the dog example, then that's up to them. But I don't.

I just said what I thought, you jumped on it, and now you're qualifying the whole argument in a way I never did. When you figure out what you're actually debating, get back to me.

Re-read your responses, focus particularly on the response you gave to my initial reply to you (you know, the one you tried to deny saying).

I don't care very much for this back and forth any more, I have given my point, you have given multiple, conflicting points. I'm leaving it there.

 

[Nicodemus]

You're parsing the use of "I", and "we" in the context of group identification? Take the last word, you need it.

 

[Jasongreat]

Imo, offense is almost entirely out of our control at most times, since it is based on ones belief system. Unless we know the person we are talking to, there is no way to avoid offense in all cases. Even if we walk on eggshells and take political correctedness to the extreme, we could always run into someone that gets offended at that. All we can do is be the best we can be, according to our own belief system, and hope that for the majority of interactions that's good enough. That old rhyme about sticks and stones must not be taugh anymore.

 

[Nicodemus]

Imo, offense is almost entirely out of our control at most times, since it is based on ones belief system. Unless we know the person we are talking to, there is no way to avoid offense in all cases. Even if we walk on eggshells and take political correctedness to the extreme, we could always run into someone that gets offended at that. All we can do is be the best we can be, according to our own belief system, and hope that for the majority of interactions that's good enough. That old rhyme about sticks and stones must not be taugh anymore.

Sure, with the hard lesson that our nation's "A-OK" thumb and forefinger combo is obscene in the Arab world, we have to realize that in a world of billions, we constnatly offend. If you genuinely want to have others listen to you, offending them is a very rare way to win them over. If you don't care, then you just don't care about that person, which doesn't have to be a bad thing; no right in this constitution to live free of offense, quite the opposite in fact.

 

[brainstorm]

1. Did you read post #32? That clarifies the difference between deliberately being offensive and unintentionally saying something.

2. Motive is a major factor in murder.

3. 'Deliberate' is also an important factor - it's one of the main reasons we distinguish between murder and manslaughter.

Is it intentional to build up an attitude of hate and/or desiring someone(s) to be dead and then claiming it was unintentional when emotions lost control and someone gets killed in a fight?

I think a similar attitude builds up in people about offending others. E.g. I knew someone who disliked green activism so much that he wanted to tune his engine to a level that dark black smoke would billow out of his tailpipe and just rev his motor to upset people with the pollution. This is maybe an extreme example, but the fact is that it's not that uncommon for backlash sentiments to build up in people where they almost wish for people to be offended, even if they don't intentionally choose to do offensive things to harass them.

Of course, the other side of it is that these people must have themselves become offended by whatever they are backlashing against to end up wanting others to get offended. So, whether intentional, semi-intentional, or unintentional, I think people build up cultures of conflict where the goal isn't so much to have a constructive debate as it is to torture others in some subtle and relatively safe way, e.g. by offending them.

 

[mugaliens]

About the only thing that offends me is something I think offends most people: Being unfairly wronged:

1. Being accused of lying/cheating/stealing when I did not.

2. Being lied to, cheated, or a victim of robbery.

 

[Max™]

I'm not sure why people REALLY care about offending others... but I'm an Aspie, I view most of these social interactions from the outside anyways.

Offensive jokes are often quite hilarious, particularly when you get people to laugh at things that they think they shouldn't find funny.


It annoys me when people who know what I can do/know/understand still doubt me on those subjects, not much really offends me though, besides being tickled.

 

[elfboy]

I'm the type of person who rarely gets offended by anything. I'm also a person who can see "how" someone can be offended over various things.

well...i can change that

 

[oddcitations]

I'm not certain why in general we care if we offend people, but if somebody is a teacher, they can't downright say a student is stupid, or repeaditly correct them(in an apathetic "you're stupid" kind of tone") because that's giving negative feedback. You're supposed to inspire students to whatever subject your teaching, not turn them off the subject. Also, there are positive ways of telling someone they are wrong. Like, in some sort of long drawn out problem - if they only make it halfway through and do their math wrong, you're supposed to tell them that they were close, and then tell them how to do it. It's only normal for them to mess some things up if they're just learning it. People are more inclined to be passionate about your subject if they think they are not totally hopeless at it. And chances are, if they think they are hopeless, they won't even bother try - and for most people, if they try, they'll probably do fine.
I don't know about proffessors, I've heard they pretty much don't care about who you are and you sit there for an hour, then learn the lesson yourself. :\