Our Hard Drive Which art internal Volume C by name

[Astronuc]

Our Morning Prayer

Our Hard Drive Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever,

Amen.

 

[Astronuc]

AOL addiction poem

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL! I got to have my fix!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, Don't come round here no more!
I feel so embarrassed! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart... How low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

As a good Catholic, I keep looking for Saint Jude software.

Yea though I walk through the valley of Gates, I will fear no executable: For Norton art with me; thy firewall and virus list comfort me.

 

[Astronuc]

Consider that -

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet, or the cleanliness of the floor.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline, and you will still miss it.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions - only during the postmortems. A bit like hindsight is always right - and you still get it wrong the next time.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realize your dreams is to wake up.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

 

[Lisa!]

Consider that -

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet, or the cleanliness of the floor.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline, and you will still miss it.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions - only during the postmortems. A bit like hindsight is always right - and you still get it wrong the next time.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realize your dreams is to wake up.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

The early worm deserves the bird! (The early bird may catch the worbm but the second mouse get the cheese in trap!)

 

[Moonbear]

The early worm deserves the bird! (The early bird may catch the worbm but the second mouse get the cheese in trap!)

That was my favorite in the list too! Oh, and it just made me think of something good for that other "Things most people don't learn until they're 50" thread.

 

[Lisa!]

That was my favorite in the list too! Oh, and it just made me think of something good for that other "Things most people don't learn until they're 50" thread.

Some people don't learn not to steal from other threads! (I know you want to write sth else in that thread!)

 

[mapper]

Our Morning Prayer

Our Hard Drive Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever,

Amen.

This was great, but rather then Amen i think it should be End If. Or just End hehe.

 

[Astronuc]

Bad Headlines -

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

 

[russ_watters]

This was great, but rather then Amen i think it should be End If. Or just End hehe.

End If, Else...

 

[BobG]

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet, or the cleanliness of the floor.

Somewhat true. Actually, the primary factor in whether bread falls butter side down is the ratio between the table height and length of the bread.

If the table is very short, the bread would not have time to rotate past 90 degrees degrees and would only land butter side down if you got an unlucky bounce. Likewise, if the table were around 10 feet high, the bread would have time to rotate past 270 degrees and would only land butter side down if you got an unlucky bounce. Or, you could eat only exceptionally large pieces of bread that rotate slower or exceptionally small pieces of bread that rotate faster.

For most Western culture style tables, the bread will almost assuredly land butter side down unless you get a lucky bounce. The chances of getting a lucky bounce are inversely proportional to the quality of the landing site. If you cover the floor with the coarse, sharp edged gravel, you have a pretty good chance of getting a lucky bounce. Even on a smooth, flat floor, the chances of getting a lucky bounce increase with the amount of random debris laying on the floor. If you cover the floor with a nicely cushioned flat surface that can absorb the impact of the bread, you'd be extremely unlikely to get a lucky bounce.

The simplest solution, especially if the cleanliness of the floor rates high, is to eat off the floor. Then the chances of the bread landing butter side down are virtually nil.

 

[BobG]

Actually, I find a different phenomenem of dinner time physics more perplexing than buttered bread. The chances of squirting someone in the eye while biting into a tomato is directly proportional to the amount of time you spend facing that person. So...

Is it considered a sign of respect when you bite into a tomato and squirt your boss in the eye or is it an insult? In other words, should a knowledgeable person look at the least respected person at the table while biting into a tomato?

As a side issue, when respect for you has been shown at the dinner table, is the proper response to stab the person showing respect in the back of his hand with your dinner fork or have I been grieviously insulted?

 

[Astronuc]

Ponderings collection (These are not mine, I just saw them lying around and borrowed them)

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad
After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.
I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

 

[Emieno]

The early worm deserves the bird! (The early bird may catch the worbm but the second mouse get the cheese in trap!)

Man-to-man help

Lisa!
My Lisa!
My my lisa!
Are you staying
In Indiana
you have always
helped me so so
so far,
do you gain anything
as a reward for
sucha valuable sacrifice ? ​

 

[Astronuc]

Scientists gathering

I just "re-liberated these" from elsewhere.

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.

Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.

Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.

Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.

Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Heisenberg may or may not have been there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.

Wien radiated a colourful personality.

Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.

Faraday had quite a capacity for food.

Oppenheimer got bombed.

 

[lwymarie]

I just "re-liberated these" from elsewhere.

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.

Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.

Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.

Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.

Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Heisenberg may or may not have been there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.

Wien radiated a colourful personality.

Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.

Faraday had quite a capacity for food.

Oppenheimer got bombed.

This one is popular. BTW where did you find the other funny poems/passages?

 

[Astronuc]

Most of the other stuff comes from spam (i.e. unwanted emails).

 

[Astronuc]

More things to consider -

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says - objects in mirror are closer than they appear, how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

 

[Astronuc]

Really bad jokes -

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Any resemblance to a notorius PF member is purely coincidental.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

 

[Astronuc]

Some better jokes -

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation.
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 

[JamesU]

shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'

 

[Astronuc]

Recycled from the Garden Web

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu- The same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding. A matter of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well read.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What is the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck in debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted-It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Once you've seen a shopping center you've seen a mall.

 

[Astronuc]

Things learned from college

Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.
If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster, breaker before.
The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
Labs used to be fun.
T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
Squirt guns equal stress relief.
E-mail becomes your second language.
Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
Sleep becomes more important.
Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
You begin to nap again (also not new).
Showers become less important.
Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.
Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry (Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a little bit of mud on them)
You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of your favorite sitcom verbatim.
See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have. Roadtrip whenever possible.
Pick up all new lingo.
Quarters are like gold.
Be creative in the dining hall.
Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
Duct tape heals all wounds. If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.

 

[Astronuc]

More things you learned in college!

You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
Your life will never be the same again.
Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
You just don't learn last names.
You find out what beer sludge is.
It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
Classes: the later the better.
The cute girls actually talk to you now.
Care packages make it all worthwhile.
The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
Card games never lasted for hours before.
Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
Boys will dance in college.
People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
You are never alone.
You never realized how quiet your house was.
Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
Printers only break down when you desperately need them. (Happens at work too!)

I don't accept any responsibility for these jokes - they came from spam.

 

[Smurf]

... but cute girls always talked to me anyways

 

[Astronuc]

... but cute girls always talked to me anyways

Me too.

I was wondering about that point based on what other college-aged males have posted in the past.

A knew lot of the attractive women, and quite a few used to complain about the guys who were constantly hitting on them. The women were hoping that the 'nicer' guys would approach them, but most of the 'nicer' guys were seemingly intimidated.

 

[Astronuc]

Something to ponder in the wee hours of the morning-

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria they're the only culture some people have.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it chili if it's hot?
How can there be self-help groups?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

 

[Astronuc]

The skier's dictionary

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:

Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.

Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.

When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is Avalanche! which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, Why?

 

[Astronuc]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/manakin.html

Bird dance.

 

[Astronuc]

Next of kin

Dear Friend,

I am Mr.Paul Okoue, the personal financial consultant to Mr Gregory Barrow,a national of your country, who used to work with the Nigerian Petroleum Trust Fund,(PTF),as an expartriate staff,here in Nigeria. He was our valued Customer. On the 4th May 2002, my client, his wife And their only child were involved in the plane crash here in Nigeria with EAS Airlines (Executive Airline Services) flight,EAS 4226,Registration: 5N-ESF,with our then sports minister Mr Mark Ishaya Aku. Since then I have made several attempts to locate any of his extended relatives but this has also proved unsuccessful.After those several unsuccessful attempts to locate any member of his family, I decided to contact you on this subject matter so that I can present you as the bonafide next of kin to the said account.
NOTE:
Your business status does not matter in this transaction,What matters is your ability to assist in repartrating the fund left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Finance Company where this huge sum is lodged. Particularly,the Pacific Finance and Investment Company where the deceased had a deposit whose total value including accrued interest is about US$12.5Million (Twelve Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only).As his finance consultant in the same company,I have been mandated to provide the next of kin or have the fund confisicated within few weeks.
Since I have no clue of any of his next of kin/relatives,and has tried
unsuccesfully to locate them for some months now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased as if it is an inheritance left behind by him for you as his next of kin so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$12.5Million(Twelve Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only) will be paid to you as an inheritance, and then you and I will share the fund after you receive it in your account. I have the ability to negotiate for the release of the Death Certificate of the deceased,which shall serve as one of the legal documents that can be used to back-up the
transaction.
If you can handle this transaction for our joint benefit, please get back to me on as soon as possible,so that I can give you more details on this matter.What is required now is to register/authenticate you as the bonafide next of kin to the fund.
All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through.I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
We will discuss the sharing ratio when you respond.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best Regards.
Mr.Paul Okoue


I have to wonder how many Nigerian ministers have been killed in plane crashes. There sure seems to be a lot plane crashes in Nigeria and neighboring countries.

 

[Astronuc]

Tips to improve your writing

Avoid alliteration. Always.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Don't never use a double negation.
capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
Don't overuse exclamation marks!
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
The adverb always follows the verb.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

 

[Astronuc]

Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

This is hilarious.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43189

WASHINGTON, DC—Telephone logs recorded by the National Security Agency and obtained by Congress as part of an ongoing investigation suggest that the vice president may have used the Oval Office intercom system to address President Bush at crucial moments, giving categorical directives in a voice the president believed to be that of God.

In a transcript of an intercom exchange recorded in March 2002, a voice positively identified as the vice president's identifies himself as "the Lord thy God" and promotes the invasion of Iraq, as well as the use of torture in prisoner interrogations.

A close examination of Bush's public statements and Secret Service time logs tracking the vice president reveals a consistent pattern, one which links Bush's belief that he had received word from God with Cheney's use of the White House's telephone-based intercom system.

 

[tribdog]

Most of the other stuff comes from spam (i.e. unwanted emails).

then what the heck makes you think we want it? and if you think we want it is it still spam? is it possible to receive spam and give it back unspammed?

 

[Astronuc]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, Marine Corps Recruit Training

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

 

[moose]

O___O
haha

 

[Astronuc]

Hollywood Lessons

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

[rocketboy]

This is a bad thread to be reading at work... I had to stop after almost bursting out laughing multiple times during Astronuc's "headlines" post.

Thus i have come up with a new term to replace "lol"...behold... BOL!

 

[Astronuc]

Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me

Host: Peter Sagal

Official Judge and Scorekeeper: Carl Kasell
http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=35

This is a special best-of Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me. This week, we're featuring the contributions of our roster of panelists...

Before We Ask, Adam Felber Knows
"Are you going to buy that, or are you just happy to see me?"; What was this guy hiding in his underwear?; Clay Aiken fans who feel cheated may be just clueless; Uzbekistan says no to really comfy underwear.

When Panelists Have No Idea What We're Talking About
The spy who came in from the mantle of the Earth; the state of Florida wants to know how far your roommate will go to get medical insurance.

 

[Astronuc]

Occupational Descriptions

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a brief (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think he/she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

 

[Astronuc]

How Superman Should Have Ended
[MEDIA=youtube]eBsD1xIpJUI[/MEDIA][/URL] :smile:

 

[Astronuc]

Things My Mother Taught Me
by unknown

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning the house!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't sort yourself out, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week"

My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2 - "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!">

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stick that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE - "One day you'll have kids ...and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Sent to me by a mom.

 

[Astronuc]

For those who like Puns.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large
number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

 

[Astronuc]

Australian Citizenship Test

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to
qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your
cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you
could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In
40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues
fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.
True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean
a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?


11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the
beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to
England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana traveling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint into John Howard and hope that he answers it
personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer
the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?
a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:
a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for
the third umpire decisions in the latter...

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:
a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the cricket’s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?


Your Score ______.

 

[fourier jr]

Our Morning Prayer

Our Hard Drive Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever,

Amen.

Big Daddy's Rap
Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin,
So be yo hood.
You be sayin it, I be doing it
In this here hood and yo's.
Gimme some eats,
And cut me some slack,
Sos I be doing it to dem dat diss me.
Don't be pushing me into no jive,
And keep dem Crips away.
'Cause you always be da Man.

-- Aaa-mén

 

[Astronuc]

This has been passed around the internet.

A few new twists to the ever-popular: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side" of the road. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C ... Reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


MAYBE that's where the rooster was?

 

[Evo]

This has been passed around the internet.

A few new twists to the ever-popular: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side" of the road. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C ... Reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


MAYBE that's where the rooster was?

Those are great!

 

[Astronuc]

http://www.horseway.se/images/always28.jpg

http://www.horseway.se/images/always25.jpg

http://www.horseway.se/images/always14.jpg

http://www.horseway.se/images/always1.jpg cute

Believe in yourself.
http://www.horseway.se/images/always2.jpg

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Sorry if any of these were already posted.

What's a synonym for cinnamon?
What's another word that means synonym?
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
If G-d meant for us to go around naked, we'd have been born that way.
How come we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?

 

[Astronuc]

I've seen some of these before. I'm sure they get copied and distributed around the internet.

Quotes from Real Resumes and Cover Letters:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possesses no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: Often. Children: Various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."


These quotes were taken from actual Performance Appraisals:
Thanks to Jeff Parsons for sending new ones along, Nov. 15, 2006.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young person has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but without the plastic thingie to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
31. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. He's so dense, light bends around him.
4. Bright as Alaska in December.

 

[Astronuc]

I will attempt to outdo Gokul.


What do you call the prodigal son who keeps returning?



The periodical son.

<Groan>