Attracting Him: Tips to Make Him Ask You Out

[shahrzad1994]

Sure he can be shy all the same!
Think closely again what sort of SUBJECTS he is talking and laughing about with others.

If it is mainly politics, science, art and music, substantially shy persons often feel such conversation topics are Safe, because those topics are divorced from intimate personal FEELINGS, which is felt to be a "danger zone" for the shy person.

So, there is no contradiction about being an emotionally extremely shy person, and being a suave, intelligent talker.

That's basically the difference between being socially awkward and being shy.

Well, I guess you are right and that was a really good explanation for that behavior!
Thank you,you solved it!

 

[shahrzad1994]

I pick up on the hint that a girl likes me when she goes out of her way to touch me. Be touchy.

Hmmmmmm, I afraid of being touchy! Don't you think it makes him think in a bad way of me ?

 

[shahrzad1994]

"The first paragraph isn't clear to me,which incident you mean? And what do you mean by disrespectful behaviors?"

Boorish boys exist in all cultures, thinking that, for example, if a girl rests her head at his shoulder, then he is somehow entitled to more physical contact with her. I'm NOT talking about the criminal versions of this type of behaviour, of course, but distasteful groping or kissing behaviour which goes way beyond the limit of proper behaviour, showing disrespect to the girl.

Your friend has had plenty of chances to be clumsy/boorish in this way, and he hasn't done so.

O,yes.you are right. I've thought about it before and this behavior made me really happy, he had the chance to be boorish but he wasn't!
That's one of his characteristic that I like!

 

[arildno]

I myself prefer the first tragedy! And I don't want the last case to happen ! Never!

Hmmmmmm, I afraid of being touchy! Don't you think it makes him think in a bad way of me ?

Hmm..it seems to me you are perhaps also a bit afraid that he DOES love you, and if you become a pair, then that destroys your own present state of a romantic, unhappy love affair.

That is, you prefer romance, but dread love.

(And no, it is a perfectly normal, and quite common behaviour to be afraid of true commitment, preferring a state of longing&yearning instead)

 

[D H]

I pick up on the hint that a girl likes me when she goes out of her way to touch me. Be touchy.

Bad advice. You are thinking like a westerner. shahrzad1994 is from Iran. Different cultures.

 

[arildno]

Bad advice. You are thinking like a westerner. shahrzad1994 is from Iran. Different cultures.

Perhaps more challenging.
In a culture where the girl is strongly discouraged to take an overt, active step in initiating physical contact, she might, in order to circumvent that taboo, accidentally trip over, for example.
Then he must come to her rescue and take her hand to bring her back on her feet again...

Read Jane Austen and others for 19th century discreet wooing strategies..

 

[shahrzad1994]

Hmm..it seems to me you are perhaps also a bit afraid that he DOES love you, and if you become a pair, then that destroys your own present state of a romantic, unhappy love affair.

That is, you prefer romance, but dread love.

(And no, it is a perfectly normal, and quite common behaviour to be afraid of true commitment, preferring a state of longing&yearning instead)

Yes, I'm a little afraide,because of I had some bad experience before.
So you mean being touchy doesn't make him think in a bad way? How can I be touchy ?

 

[shahrzad1994]

Bad advice. You are thinking like a westerner. shahrzad1994 is from Iran. Different cultures.

You are right I'm a girl in east and you are from west,and I'm sure we have different culture,but you know I myself don't limit my culture my personality my knowledge to the area that I'm leaving.i look for the best thing that I can do,in most cases I look for the universal solution.thats why I'm discussing my problem with these guys from the west.

 

[arildno]

Yes, I'm a little afraide,because of I had some bad experience before.
So you mean being touchy doesn't make him think in a bad way? How can I be touchy ?

It might be better with words. If he IS shy, particularly around girls, he might be startled with a direct, unexpected touch. Besides, he might not understand its meaning.

With words, you can be more clear, and more discreet at the same time.

---
"So you mean being touchy doesn't make him think in a bad way? How can I be touchy ?"
Just a rather minor point, though:
The fact that you even ask that question is VERY indicitave for a modern Westerner of some cultural differences as well. But, not really that much more than our great-grandmothers had to show the same concerns for propriety that your question implies.

 

[shahrzad1994]

It might be better with words. If he IS shy, particularly around girls, he might be startled with a direct, unexpected touch. Besides, he might not understand its meaning.

With words, you can be more clear, and more discreet at the same time.

---
"So you mean being touchy doesn't make him think in a bad way? How can I be touchy ?"
Just a rather minor point, though:
The fact that you even ask that question is VERY indicitave for a modern Westerner of some cultural differences as well. But, not really that much more than our great-grandmothers had to show the same concerns for propriety that your question implies.

So you mean it's better to continuo with words.
But I think he is in the opposite,because in most cases he touches me instead of saying even one word to me!

 

[arildno]

So you mean it's better to continuo with words.
But I think he is in the opposite,because in most cases he touches me instead of saying even one word to me!

Well, have you ever said to him that you like that he touches you? That it warms you, and that you feel safe around him?


Besides, this is a new point it doesn't seem you've mentioned before:
That in his own, gentle way he seems eager to touch you, hold your hand, perhaps, give a hug or something like that?

Then it is GUARANTEED he loves you, and that he doesn't understand why his signs of affection for you are unrequited by you.

He is initiating physical contact, so therefore it should be acceptable for you to reciprocate it, either in words or by similar touches.

 

[leroyjenkens]

Hmmmmmm, I afraid of being touchy! Don't you think it makes him think in a bad way of me ?

Well, that depends on what kind of touching you're doing. I just meant, for example, touching his arm when you say something to him.

 

[shahrzad1994]

Well, have you ever said to him that you like that he touches you? That it warms you, and that you feel safe around him?Besides, this is a new point it doesn't seem you've mentioned before:
That in his own, gentle way he seems eager to touch you, hold your hand, perhaps, give a hug or something like that?

Then it is GUARANTEED he loves you, and that he doesn't understand why his signs of affection for you are unrequited by you.

He is initiating physical contact, so therefore it should be acceptable for you to reciprocate it, either in words or by similar touches.

No,no although it made me feel safe,relax I didn't say any thing.
Let me explain it for you completely,all of them started from a night that we went out of the town and I saw the first signs there.for example in all night wherever he wanted to go he asked me to go with him and all the time he was holding my back with his hands,or I remember in near the sunset we were sitting next to each other and I was tired so I put my head on my legs after a second even without saying on word he picked up my head and put it on his legs and at the same time he started to play with my hairs,I remember that I was not sleeping I've just closed my eyes and he knew that but when our friends came and ask him to go for the breakfast he ignore them and said no she is sleeping here and I said no no I'm awake go,he said no you are tired I don't want to go just relax! And I had many similar experiences but we didn't kiss or hug each other yet.
You know these behaviors made me really sad and embarrassed.cause he didn't say any thing. some times our friends didn't show me a good reaction .they asked me are you in a relationship with each other and I said no! And they asked me either so what is the meaning of your contacts? Why you are so close to each other? And i didn't have any answer even for myself.
Although I was suffering I didn't say anything to him,and you're right his signs of affection for me was unrequited by me.

 

[shahrzad1994]

Well, that depends on what kind of touching you're doing. I just meant, for example, touching his arm when you say something to him.

Hmmmmm,I see.
Good idea! Thanks

 

[D H]

Well, that depends on what kind of touching you're doing. I just meant, for example, touching his arm when you say something to him.

Even this is apparently forbidden in Islamic societies. It's "haram": sinful.

 

[shahrzad1994]

Even this is apparently forbidden in Islamic societies. It's "haram": sinful.

O,forget about Islamic societies we are just living there! In our society they tell that girls and boys you Shouldn't be in touch with each other,and if you touch each other , after death you will go to the hell,forget them!
Oh,you know "haram" ?
Are you Arabic?

 

[shahrzad1994]

Actually I had a girl ask me out recently.
It was awesome.

Well,good for you!
May I ask what has happened next? Didn't you ignore her?

 

[AlephZero]

Oh,you know "haram" ?
Are you Arabic?

Maybe you didn't know there are lots of Muslims living in the West. In the 2011 census, about 5% of the UK population said they were Muslim. A few are fundamentalists, but most are not. In some cities the Muslim population is as high as 20%.

In the UK, knowing a few words like "haram" and "halal" is no different from knowing say French, German, or Indian names for types of food.

But remember, most of us in the west probably know as little about what it is really like to live in Iran, as you know about what it is like to live in the UK or the USA - and even those two countries have different conventions from each other about what is acceptable behavior for people wanting to form relationships.

 

[shahrzad1994]

Maybe you didn't know there are lots of Muslims living in the West. In the 2011 census, about 5% of the UK population said they were Muslim. A few are fundamentalists, but most are not. In some cities the Muslim population is as high as 20%.

In the UK, knowing a few words like "haram" and "halal" is no different from knowing say French, German, or Indian names for types of food.

But remember, most of us in the west probably know as little about what it is really like to live in Iran, as you know about what it is like to live in the UK or the USA - and even those two countries have different conventions from each other about what is acceptable behavior for people wanting to form relationships.

Oh,really ? I didn't know that! Thanks for these informations.
You're right , but in every cases I try to solve my problem in a best way that I can,separated from the culture or the existing rules from the country that I'm living .

 

[arildno]

Although I was suffering I didn't say anything to him,and you're right his signs of affection for me was unrequited by me.

Well, since he already wants to be close with you, and shows his affections in a gentle, respectful way like this, I don't think it will be the last time such a moment presents itself (perhaps you could "engineer" it, like suggesting you two take a walk or something? Is it, perhaps, a nice spot by the river you like to sit by in the evening?)
Next time, say,if he is stroking your hair, just tell him you like him doing so.
So, honesty from your part is in order here!
But, you should also clarify your own feelings as to what you think is appropriate behaviour between you at this initial stage.
And, nobody can really help you with that, only yourself know whether, say, a kiss is a bit too intimate to begin with. After all, natural behaviour in a relationship is as much about the level of trust and understanding between the two of you, not just the type of physical acts by which you show each other affections.

So:
Know your own limits, what you are comfortable with, and what you'd rather wait with until your relationship matures, and be prepared to tell him you are not quite there yet.

 

[arildno]

Another thing:
You seem to be really worried about him being not more direct in his words towards you.
It might well be shyness on his part, but if you think about it:
If he really respects and loves you, and is on his own part quite certain you reciprocate HIS feelings, he might still hold back precisely because he respects you.
He might feel that it wouldn't be right to progress further until YOU are sufficiently comfortable around him to express that you like his signs of affections he is giving you.
He might regard you as yet hesitant, not quite yet decided in your feelings, and he is basically waiting for YOU to come around.

Isn't that type of respect for YOUR feelings what you would like a boyfriend to have?
That he doesn't take any liberties, but feels as deeply as you do, that MUTUAL respect, trust and affection should be the basic "language" in the relationship?
And therefore, if one of the partners is lagging behind a bit in, say, trust, then the other has no problems about waiting, and being patient?

 

[shahrzad1994]

Well, since he already wants to be close with you, and shows his affections in a gentle, respectful way like this, I don't think it will be the last time such a moment presents itself (perhaps you could "engineer" it, like suggesting you two take a walk or something? Is it, perhaps, a nice spot by the river you like to sit by in the evening?)
Next time, say,if he is stroking your hair, just tell him you like him doing so.
So, honesty from your part is in order here!
But, you should also clarify your own feelings as to what you think is appropriate behaviour between you at this initial stage.
And, nobody can really help you with that, only yourself know whether, say, a kiss is a bit too intimate to begin with. After all, natural behaviour in a relationship is as much about the level of trust and understanding between the two of you, not just the type of physical acts by which you show each other affections.

So:
Know your own limits, what you are comfortable with, and what you'd rather wait with until your relationship matures, and be prepared to tell him you are not quite there yet.

Well actually we spend at least five days a week together,and most of the time we go to a place which is near the mountain and you can see the whole city from there,we talk about every thing, we listen to music we drink some coffee and I guess on those time both of us have the chances to say any thing or having some physical acts,but most of the time we discuss scientific issues!
O,o it's very hard for me to tell such these things to him...although I have many sentences that I want to tell him in my mind,but I feel shy! It's very bad it seem I have problem with having part in these section!
In all aspects I trust him a lot,I went to their home for many times but he was just like the times that we are out of the house,he just showed me his books and his pictures!
But I guess if I want to be with him first of all I should change myself

 

[arildno]

But I guess if I want to be with him first of all I should change myself

You are too self-critical here, as if you aren't really worthy of him before you undergo some sort of personality change.
don't you think it is actually up to him to decide that YOU are the girl he loves?

True, I think you DO need to change a bit:
You need to grow a little bit more courage and self-confidence, but you are as worthy of him now as you will ever be.

And, most importantly:
Tell your friend how you like being with him.

That should be your first act of newfound courage, in a setting you find comfortable.

Remember:
To him, you are ALREADY worth everything in the world!

 

[shahrzad1994]

Another thing:
You seem to be really worried about him being not more direct in his words towards you.
It might well be shyness on his part, but if you think about it:
If he really respects and loves you, and is on his own part quite certain you reciprocate HIS feelings, he might still hold back precisely because he respects you.
He might feel that it wouldn't be right to progress further until YOU are sufficiently comfortable around him to express that you like his signs of affections he is giving you.
He might regard you as yet hesitant, not quite yet decided in your feelings, and he is basically waiting for YOU to come around.

Isn't that type of respect for YOUR feelings what you would like a boyfriend to have?
That he doesn't take any liberties, but feels as deeply as you do, that MUTUAL respect, trust and affection should be the basic "language" in the relationship?
And therefore, if one of the partners is lagging behind a bit in, say, trust, then the other has no problems about waiting, and being patient?

Hmmmmm,I think that's one of the important things that I'vent think about it yet...but there is a problem,I guess all over the world girls like to hear that some one loves them instead of feeling that with some physical act,and if it's in a way that you are explaining for me it's his mistake not mine,cause he should have known my personality yet and he should hav understand that at this level it's hard for me to answer his physical acts with physical acts to show my interest! Instead if on time only one time he speaks to me clear and say for example I'm interested in you then I will answer him clearly I will accept him and I can tell my feelings too,if he had chosen this way for starting our relation ship it's not a good way!

 

[shahrzad1994]

You are too self-critical here, as if you aren't really worthy of him before you undergo some sort of personality change.
don't you think it is actually up to him to decide that YOU are the girl he loves?

True, I think you DO need to change a bit:
You need to grow a little bit more courage and self-confidence, but you are as worthy of him now as you will ever be.

And, most importantly:
Tell your friend how you like being with him.

That should be your first act of newfound courage, in a setting you find comfortable.

Remember:
To him, you are ALREADY worth everything in the world!

:) :) I've told you at first that I don't have any self-reliance and I mentioned the reason!
I wish him to be like that!
Well,I think after discussing my problem with you and others and think about every thing now it's time for me to have the first steps and first of all I should change a little! :)
And after that I feel I have enough courage I will tell our mutual friends some thing about him,and I'll try to answer his physical acts by some limited physical acts! :)

 

[arildno]

..and I'll try to answer his physical acts by some limited physical acts! :)

I'm sure that if you reciprocate with the glad, happy smile you so far have suppressed from showing him when he is physical, he will get that hint that you really like him. And, he will radiate from that smile of yours!

 

[shahrzad1994]

I'm sure that if you reciprocate with the glad, happy smile you so far have suppressed from showing him when he is physical, he will get that hint that you really like him. And, he will radiate from that smile of yours!

:)
I think I'm going to see him tomorrow night,let's see what will happen!
I'm excited as like as a child who is going to experience new things!

 

[arildno]

:)
I think I'm going to see him tomorrow night,let's see what will happen!
I'm excited as like as a child who is going to experience new things!

All the best to you both!

 

[shahrzad1994]

All the best to you both!

Thank you very very very much,you know I don't know who are you ( I guess I found you on fb and I've sent a friend request for you! ) but It was interesting for me to get help,hearing advices,solving my problems with a person far from my country and I saw that you solve problems mentally and you don't decide by feelings,and if you are in relation ship I think she should be a lucky girl for having you! :) :)

 

[arildno]

Thank you very very very much,you know I don't know who are you ( I guess I found you on fb and I've sent a friend request for you! ) but It was interesting for me to get help,hearing advices,solving my problems with a person far from my country and I saw that you solve problems mentally and you don't decide by feelings,and if you are in relation ship I think she should be a lucky girl for having you! :) :)

I am not on Facebook (it is a time stealer, I think. My name is not that uncommon, so it wouldn't be too odd if you have found another person with the same name).
But it has also been very rewarding to me to be attentive to what you have said, and tried my best to give you good advice.

As I've said many times, from what you have told, I cannot understand it any differently than that your friend is deeply in love with you already.

Perhaps it was just that outsider perspective I could offer on your situation you really needed in order to clarify matters for you?

The best of luck and happiness to you both!

 

[shahrzad1994]

I am not on Facebook (it is a time stealer, I think. My name is not that uncommon, so it wouldn't be too odd if you have found another person with the same name).
But it has also been very rewarding to me to be attentive to what you have said, and tried my best to give you good advice.

As I've said many times, from what you have told, I cannot understand it any differently than that your friend is deeply in love with you already.

Perhaps it was just that outsider perspective I could offer on your situation you really needed in order to clarify matters for you?

The best of luck and happiness to you both!

Oh,really? You know why I thought that he should be you? Because there was only one person with your name there and also he was living in Norway too! :D
I think you did your best and I appreciate that..
It was worthy to me and I think we made the best desicion,it will ansewr,I hope!
Best wishes for you!
:)

 

[arildno]

It is a dozen or so totally unrelated persons in my country with my exact name, so it is HIGHLY probable at least one of them uses that name on Facebook.

Best wishes!

 

[shahrzad1994]

It is a dozen or so totally unrelated persons in my country with my exact name, so it is HIGHLY probable at least one of them uses that name on Facebook.

Best wishes!

Oh,you're right and it was clear !
You know it's just the result of lack of sleep! ;)
I guess my Brian has stopped working!

 

[arildno]

 

[Lisa!]

Yeah you're right I'm living in Iran.so you mean because of I'm a person who is dealing with Islamic culture no one from outside can help me??

I also live in Iran and I know women who've made the first move.I mean it wasn't very common in the past for women but things have changed a lot especially in big cities. Of course I don't suggest you to do that since I guess you are very young and maybe if he'd reject you or the relationship wouldn't work well it might have a very bad effect on you.
BTW, I also don't think that people around here could be much of help since they almost know nothing about our country and culture but I recommend you to post your problem here :
http://doctorshiri.com/fa/topics/blog/همه-مطالب-وبلاگ/