PeterDonis
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michael879 said:If instead you use just a really thin shell, you see that the metric gradually goes from RN to flat with a slope based on the mass of the shell
Yes, agreed.
michael879 said:the effective mass is just the mass at infinity minus the mass of the EM field outside of your radius.
Yes. Note, though, that the EM field mass is ##Q^2 / 2r##, so we have ##m_{eff} = m_{\infty} - Q^2 / 2 r##.
michael879 said:if the object of radius R has mass m_{matter}=m(R), the effective mass becomes m_{eff}(r)=m_∞ - Q^2/r = m_{matter} + Q^2(R^{-1}-r^{-1})
What you're doing is defining ##m_{matter} = m_{\infty} - Q^2 / 2 R##; but you can't arbitrarily say that ##m_{matter}## only contains rest mass energy and not EM field energy. On the face of it, that looks like it can't be right, because where is the charge density? It can't be in the region outside the object of radius ##R##, since by hypothesis that region has R-N geometry and therefore can only contain a static electric field, with zero charge density. The obvious thing would be to view the charge density as attached to the object of radius ##R##; but that means there is also EM field energy contained inside radius ##R##. So I think you need to refine your model some more if you really want to separate out rest mass energy from EM field energy.
I need to think some more about the rest of your post.