Challenging Stereotypes: The Struggle of Dating for Intellectuals

[Evo]

After a long pause (not really an awkward silence, just the topic ran dry) she asked me:
Girl: So, what are you doing
Me: Actually, I'm a graduate student in aerospace engineering
Girl: Oh, wow! What are you studying within that field.
Me: Are you sure you want to know? It's really involved and highly specific. Its one of those things where if you are in the field its easy to talk about, but otherwise its foriegn to most people.
Girl: Oh cmon tell me.
Me: Ok... I am looking to research hyper-velocity projectiles. Maybe something in detonation propagation in supersonic/hypersonic flow. I'm also interested in turbulence too, so ideally my research project will encompass those concepts.
Girl: Oh, thats..ummm, interesting!
Me: It's ok, like I said its very specific to someone not in engineering.

Sorry, but you come across as condescending and arrogant in your description of how you conduct yourself. You make it sound like your major is the only one that a person outside of the field wouldn't understand. Do you realize how many fields have specialized knowledge and use words and acronyms that outsiders (that would be you) wouldn't understand? And the fact that you seem unable to explain what you do so that people can understand comes across as you either do not have the ability to do so or intentionally try to be difficult. I used to live near NASA in Clear lake, so aerospace engineers were as common as flies.

Girl: Umm..well... your not intimidating to *me*, but I could definitely see why *most* girls would be. I mean, your really articulate and its obvious your intelligent. You're attractive, that coupled with being smart can definitely be intimidating to *many* girls.

I clearly caught her off guard, feeling bad I thanked her for her honesty.

Ok, you're joking, aren't you?

 

[xxChrisxx]

Its probably fake. And yes I disagree strongly with the nerd stereotype. I have trouble meeting women because of my degree title alone (no its not in rapeology) - so I just dumb it down and say I am a writer or artist...

Allow me to be 100% clear on this.
It's not the degree title, its you.

Sorry, but you come across as condescending and arrogant in your description of how you conduct yourself.

Don't be sorry Evo; Darwin is hard at work.

 

[Aero51]

You know what's interesting... A lot of you take this really topic personally. I really don't understand this.
I'm not trying to be arrogant, condescending, etc. I'm being myself. Someone asks a question, I give them an answer. What do you do with your life..this is what I do with my life...
If it sounds arrogant that I answered a question, honestly, then I don't know what to say. Maybe I should be asking: what do you want to hear?

The purpose of going out is usually to meet someone. You do that by talking to them and asking them questions. If you water down your answers, isn't that effectively being a phony? In turn, doesn't that defeat the purpose of meeting someone?

More importantly, what does it say about the person answering them? If you water your self down as you answer someone, aren't you passively saying "I don't expect you to understand" without even providing them any insight as to what you do?! Too me, that's far more insulting than someone being very technical with their answer. I understand how the latter can overload someone and come off as overbearing, but I don't see how it comes off as arrogant.

Overall, I'd rather tell someone straight-up what the deal is and if they don't like it then they can go away. It's upsetting that its taken offensively, when honesty is supposedly one values in a individual.

 

[Evo]

You know what's interesting... A lot of you take this really topic personally. I really don't understand this.
I'm not trying to be arrogant, condescending, etc. I'm being myself. Someone asks a question, I give them an answer. What do you do with your life..this is what I do with my life...

You say you can't get a date, then describe your actions that drive women away, and we're telling you what you're doing wrong. What you do with the feedback is up to you.

If it sounds arrogant that I answered a question, honestly, then I don't know what to say. Maybe I should be asking: what do you want to hear?

Because you start by telling them they won't understand because it's so complex. Not really, you just make it sound complex. Admittedly not everyone has the ability to take a subject and explain the basic idea, it's is a skill.

The purpose of going out is usually to meet someone. You do that by talking to them and asking them questions. If you water down your answers, isn't that effectively being a phony? In turn, doesn't that defeat the purpose of meeting someone?

You don't seem to be able to see yourself as others do. Back to my answer above, it's a skill to be able to talk to people with different sets of knowledge. Fortunately, it is a skill that you can work on, and possibly achieve.

More importantly, what does it say about the person answering them? If you water your self down as you answer someone, aren't you passively saying "I don't expect you to understand" without even providing them any insight as to what you do?! Too me, that's far more insulting than someone being very technical with their answer. I understand how the latter can overload someone and come off as overbearing, but I don't see how it comes off as arrogant.

See above. Being able to explain what you are studying in understandable terms is a valuable interpersonal skill and shows respect for those you wish to converse with.

Overall, I'd rather tell someone straight-up what the deal is and if they don't like it then they can go away.

Well, I must say you seem to have achieved your goal.

 

[zoobyshoe]

The purpose of going out is usually to meet someone. You do that by talking to them and asking them questions. If you water down your answers, isn't that effectively being a phony? In turn, doesn't that defeat the purpose of meeting someone?

OK. But how do you expect a girl to be attracted to a guy who makes a special point of planting this idea in her head: "I am undesirable. Girls hear what I do and split."

 

[Mentalist]

If you have to beat around the bush and not be yourself, then the girl isn't worth investing more time into (guy vice-versa).
Why does he have to "dumb down" his profession so she will understand it if she asked him what he is doing? The use of jargon, etc..., is a bit much, but if that is the way he understands it and she wanted to know about what he does, she can consider her curiosity piqued. It is not his fault she was intimidated and walked away instead of asking follow up questions of the sort:

"I don't understand projectile velocities, etc..., could you explain it in a simple way?"

It was her own insecurity that made her walk away. She wasn't curious enough to understand what he does or was talking about. So, he shouldn't waste his time on her as she really didn't care.

But yes, there is a certain finesse that should be considered in your approach though.

Also, you shouldn't take my advice. Too young and never dated before, so... If you want to be like me, do as you are. If not, then you're going to have to learn to be yourself and mindful of how you speak to others.

 

[micromass]

If you have to beat around the bush and not be yourself, then the girl isn't worth investing more time into (guy vice-versa).
Why does he have to "dumb down" his profession so she will understand it if she asked him what he is doing? The use of jargon, etc..., is a bit much, but if that is the way he understands it and she wanted to know about what he does, she can consider her curiosity piqued. It is not his fault she was intimidated and walked away instead of asking follow up questions of the sort:

"I don't understand projectile velocities, etc..., could you explain it in a simple way?"

It was her own insecurity that made her walk away. She wasn't curious enough to understand what he does or was talking about. So, he shouldn't waste his time on her as she really didn't care.

But yes, there is a certain finesse that should be considered in your approach though.

Also, you shouldn't take my advice. Too young and never dated before, so... If you want to be like me, do as you are. If not, then you're going to have to learn to be yourself and mindful of how you speak to others.

Following that approach will usually mean that his only potential partners will be aerospace engineers. I doubt many other people will be very interested, certainly if it's the first time they talked.

But yeah, if your goal is to date other aerospace engineers and to scare away the rest, then I'm sure this approach is a good one.

 

[Ryan_m_b]

Having an understanding that you work in a specialised field and that throwing out field specific jargon is inaccessible to most people is not being phony or lying about yourself, it's knowing your audience. What's best is if you do it in an understanding and friendly manner rather than starting out with "you wouldn't understand it" then proceeding to prove that.

It's not hard to start with "I'm an aerospace engineer" because on the basis of what she says you can tailor your next response. If she says "me too" or words to that effect then go nuts on the jargon, if not then simplify. Or maybe even ask what she does so that its not all one way and you have a more solid basis to formulate your next response too.

Also mentalist it's not insecurity if people don't spend time asking what every specific piece of jargon is, it's lack of interest and probably reaction to how it was said. Expecting others to be completely focused on learning what you mean rather than being considerate and explaining it in the most accessible way is very self centred.

 

[xxChrisxx]

This thread is a macrocosm for why you are failing with women. Aero ask yourself honestly why you made it.

If you are going to say advice, think harder.
EDIT: And be honest.

 

[Aero51]

I didnt make it I made a comment in another thread and soooooo... many people felt compelled to voice their complaints about my mode of operation that this thread was created by Evo. What an honor.


So chris, tell me how you feel about my love life since it affects you, as it does others, so intimately?

 

[Evo]

I didnt make it I made a comment in another thread and soooooo... many people felt compelled to voice their complaints about my mode of operation that this thread was created by Evo. What an honor.


So chris, tell me how you feel about my love life since it affects you, as it does others, so intimately?

Lesson learned aero, don't complain about how you can't get dates and give examples of why on a public forum and not expect responses. That's what happens on forums, you complain, you get responses.

 

[xxChrisxx]

It still holds that you really don't come across well. And you still lose many points for blaming your failure with women on your job/degree/whatever.

Though you get one back for not making your own thread about it. Well done.

 

[Evo]

It still holds that you really don't come across well. And you still lose many points for blaming your failure with women on your job/degree/whatever.

Though you get one back for not making your own thread about it. Well done.

Minus two for hijacking another thread with his problems instead of starting a new thread.

 

[Ryan_m_b]

I didnt make it I made a comment in another thread and soooooo... many people felt compelled to voice their complaints about my mode of operation that this thread was created by Evo. What an honor.

I've noticed throughout this discussion that you have a very external mindset in the sense that you, at no point, have even acknowledged the possibility that there is something wrong with your behaviour and reasoning. Starting with the anecdote we're discussing you flat out reject any possibility that you may have caused the outcome (even when multiple people reach a different conclusion and concisely explain why) and instead project it onto others. For example:

- It's the fault of women being intimidated by your profession that you can't get a date
- The response to your claims are others in thread getting personally offended by your experience
- We are the ones who have gone on about this to the extent that Evo made a thread

You see? At no point have you demonstrated any reflexivity or specifically responded to the observations about what it is about your behaviour that has led to the situations you find undesirable. Instead you're pointing fingers. So ill ask you now: do you not understand how it could be perceived that your manner of speaking to this girl was insulting? Specifically the "you wouldn't understand" followed up by jargon you surely knew she wouldn't understand? And do you really not acknowledge that the ability to explain yourself in a manner befitting who you are speaking to is a positive social skill? And that it shouldn't be the job of the person you are speaking to to learn about what you mean?

Lastly whilst I can only comment for myself the reason I've been posting in this thread is that I genuinely think you could help yourself by acknowledging and making a few simple changes to your behaviour and ways of thinking. But I'm beginning to think this is impossible because you can't even acknowledge that you could have done anything wrong.

 

[xxChrisxx]

So chris, tell me how you feel about my love life since it affects you, as it does others, so intimately?

I really don't care. If you want me to be honest I'm here because I'm an utter bastard and find it mildly amusing that you managed to screw up in your story so badly.

My story: I was sitting outside a bar with my friend smoking a cigar.

Good stuff, air of a bad boy about you.

A good looking girl approaches me...the scene has been set!

This is utter gold dust. The game should have been over at this point.

Girl: laughs

Well done you are being funny.

Me: Are you sure you want to know? It's really involved and highly specific. Its one of those things where if you are in the field its easy to talk about, but otherwise its foriegn to most people.

Being condescending - danger.

Me: Is there something about me that is intimidating or off-putting? I don't mean to be rude or put you on the spot, but every time I begin discussing what I do, girls stop talking to me. I always feel like girls are afraid to approach me, I have no idea why. Can you tell me the truth? I want to know because I don't understand.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Girl: Umm..well... your not intimidating to *me*

She was lying, basically trying not to hurt your feelings.

"Wait where are you going?!" she asked, clearly wanting him to stick around.
My friend, in a split split decision, said the follow: "Actually, I have to get going. I have a lot to do tomorrow. You see...I'm a Writer."

got her number, got a kiss, she even wanted to see him the following day

HINT: It's not because it said it was a writer.
All we can take from this is, your friend knows a hell of a lot more about playing the game than you do. I can guarantee you could say the exact same things as your friend, and get absolutely nowhere.The difference is:
You come across a desperate.
Your friend comes across as aloof.

 

[Pengwuino]

Try studying nuclear engineering.

Hasn't held me back.

 

[WannabeNewton]

Try studying nuclear engineering.

Hasn't held me back.

This is true. It's how peng and I fell in love with each other.

 

[Aero51]

I really don't understand your (collective) personal investments in my life. I think we all know I am anti social. Now what? You have something personal to gain. Whatever it is I hope you got it I am done posting I am going out to the bar to meet some chicks after dinner!

 

[Pengwuino]

This is true. It's how peng and I fell in love with each other.

Reported for being disgusting.

 

[Ryan_m_b]

I really don't understand your (collective) personal investments in my life. I think we all know I am anti social. Now what? You have something personal to gain. Whatever it is I hope you got it I am done posting I am going out to the bar to meet some chicks after dinner!

Good luck with that. Try to pitch what you do in a friendly and accessible way, you never know things might turn out differently than they have before. Thread locked.