Have Any Hilarious One-Liners? Share Them Here!

[expscv]

if u r lost in a desert, but u don't care, then u are not lost.

 

[jimmy p]

That is so brutal!

If a man is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?

If a tree falls in the woods and hits a mime, does anyone care? - Gary Larson

 

[The_Professional]

Is your dad a terrorist? coz baby you are the bomb

 

[expscv]

do you believe in love at first sight or
do i have to walk by again?

 

[jimmy p]

The last time i had this much fun, the doctors said i wouldn't pull through

Last time i had sex, it was so good even the neighbours had a cigarette!

 

[Njorl]

Half of everything Njorl says.

Damn! Only about a third is supposed to be funny.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Okay now I'm confused...were you being funny or is this the 1:6 parts currently in dispute?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I should add that Zooby's one liners are often legendary as well.

Of course then there are his 2 liners, 10 liners, 20 liners...

 

[Phobos]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
-- a friend of a friend

I always preferred the outdoor life…hunting…shooting….fishing…getting out there with a gun and slaughtering a few of God’s creatures.
-- Monty Python

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
-- Steve Martin

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-- Mark Twain

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams


someone quoted a Dan Quayle gaff...here's another couple of his gems...

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.

 

[jimmy p]

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

[The_Professional]

I took the initiative in creating the Internet

-Al Gore

 

[jimmy p]

books are cool. I thought they were just lumps of wood but then i opened one. So full of information. - my mate.

 

[Imparcticle]

A t-shirt on a girl
"you're a bad boy, go to my room"

some insulting one-liners...
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.



and this one could come in handy if you go to a modern art convention and want to be unpopular:

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Haha! Jeez Jimmy P! You're like a walking one liner encyclopedia! Seriously do you have like a hundered memorized or something?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

As far as superstions go, I'm Aquarius and we don't believe in stuff like that. -tribdog

 

[Loren Booda]

Please do not throw cigarettes in the pissoir - it makes them hard to light.

 

[Hurkyl]

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy, wealthy, and dead.
- James Thurber

 

[jimmy p]

Haha! Jeez Jimmy P! You're like a walking one liner encyclopedia! Seriously do you have like a hundered memorized or something?

In my every day life i need all the one liners i can get. Amusing/insulting people stops me committing mass murder.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I'm 31 years old, my favorite color is blue, and my turn-ons include long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and jello wrestling. - Tom Mattson

 

[tribdog]

I won't come in your mouth

 

[jimmy p]

I won't come in your mouth

a promise that is so hard to keep...



my old signature... "what am i, flypaper for freaks??"

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"

"I like cats too, let's exchange recipes."

 

[Tsu]

"I like cats too, let's exchange recipes."

jimmy, you stinker! I laughed so hard not only did I cry, but I dang near wet my pants!

The other two (your sig and the 'weasel' one) are two of MY favorites of yours.

 

[jimmy p]

awww poor Tsu, i shouldn't invoke any bladder problems... but (hopefully) i will... with a few insults n' such


It's hard to believe that you beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

 

[RG500]

Bumper Sticker:

Horn broken, watch for finger...

 

[RG500]

When you were born you were so ugly that the doctor slapped your Mama...

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I saw this sign yesterday in a business supplies store.

Unattended children will be captured and sold into slavery.

When I was a kid, the guy who ran the local liquor store/ food mart use to tell me this:

I could have been your father but the dog beat me over the fence

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The last time someone listened to a Bush they wandered around the desert for the next forty years.

 

[jamesrc]

Do not piss in our pool for we do not swim in your toilet bowl.
Matthew Perry (Chandler Bing)
Friends

Along those lines, I once had a problem with random people eating their lunch at my desk while I was elsewhere in the lab. So I left a sign on my desk that said:

"I don't sleep in your kitchen, so don't eat on my desk."

Unfortunately, I think I was the only one who thought that was funny.

 

[RG500]

Oh goodie,,, we're doing cats now :)

Cat, the other white meat

Anyone up for a little game of Wiffle Kitty?

 

[Loren Booda]

I'm on a no-CARB diet: no-Cheney, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, Bush

 

[Lorider]

Sign at a local bar:

"Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear"

 

[RG500]

Not a Hallmark card but a card that an old girl friend sent me a long time ago...

Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out you know,,, but peter out or peter in we'll be friends through thick and thin...

 

[tribdog]

"Oh no! I've lost my electron!" said the little hydrogen atom.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm positive!"

 

[jimmy p]

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

As reported at least, then President Ronald Regan's first words to the ER Docs - just after Reagan had been shot in an assasination attempt [approx]: "I hope you're all Republicans"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Some may remember the incident in which the black [as was said back then] comedian Richard Pryor inadvertently ignited his hair while trying to make or smoke crack cocaine...or similar. With his hair on fire he ran out of the building and down the street in a panic. Although he was seriously injured in this terrible episode, after recovering and when asked about the experience Pryor responded, "You can't believe how fast white people get out of the way when a black man is running down the street screaming with his hair on fire!"

 

[Imparcticle]

"Oh no! I've lost my electron!" said the little hydrogen atom.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm positive!"

But what if there are still more electrons than protons?

 

[Imparcticle]

anyone have a one-liner to say when someone accuses you of thinking you know everything?

 

[jimmy p]

I'm trying to think of one but in the mean time here are some sporting one-liners that i dug up to keep y'all amused!

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro radio)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

 

[Polly]

 

[tribdog]

anyone have a one-liner to say when someone accuses you of thinking you know everything?

Yes, compared to you I guess it does look like I know everything.

I don't know everything. For example I have no idea why you feel worthy enough to talk to me.

Don't accuse me of thinking I know everything. I've never accused you of thinking you know anything.

I don't know everything, for example, I don't know why your mom doesn't charge more than $10 for those fabulous blow jobs.

 

[Loren Booda]

If the Pope is celibate, why is he so obsessed with a woman's private parts?

 

[RG500]

The best thing about you is that you're not here...

 

[Les Sleeth]

I don't know everything, for example, I don't know why your mom doesn't charge more than $10 for those fabulous blow jobs.

That's just evil. How did you find out anyway?

I don't know everything, but I do know where to find a dog without legs . . . right where I left him.

I also know what to call my boomerang that doesn't work . . . a stick.

The one thing I don't know is what to do with this penquin I found. A cop saw me carrying him and asked why. I said "well, he kept following me around and got tired, so I thought I'd give him a rest." The cop said, "why don't you take him to the zoo?" To me, that seemed like a great idea, so I did.

Later when the cop saw me carrying my penquin friend again I couldn't understand why he asked me, "Hey, I thought you were taking that penquin to the zoo!"

I explained the obvious, "I did, and he liked it so much now I'm taking him to the movies."

 

[BLUE_CHIP]

Not really a one liner but funny anyway..


Chancellor of the Exchequer: Mr. Speaker in that case I say that one half of this house are asses.

Speaker: Sir, I demand that you retract your statement.

Chancellor of the Exchequer : In that case Mr. Speaker I say that one half of this house are not asses.

 

[Chi Meson]

Cat, the other white meat

Hmm. Mine was all red inside.

 

[Chi Meson]

I worked hard to make this a "one-liner." Note the semi-colon:

Here in Connecticut there is no helmet law; consequently, ER staff have a special name for motorcyclists: doners.

 

[tribdog]

I worked hard to make this a "one-liner." Note the semi-colon:

Here in Connecticut there is no helmet law; consequently, ER staff have a special name for motorcyclists: doners.

good job. punctuation is funny.
My mom got her stomach stapled to help her lose weight, now she has a semi-colon.

 

[Tsu]

I worked hard to make this a "one-liner." Note the semi-colon:

Here in Connecticut there is no helmet law; consequently, ER staff have a special name for motorcyclists: doners.

That's assuming there's enough left of them to BE a donor. We had a couple of delightful shrieking 'mushroom boys' in last night that I would have liked to have made donors. Sure wish I'd had my videocam to tape those kids - just to hand them the tape as they walk out the door after we've brought them down from their screaming, thrashing, violent, biting (yes, they DO try to bite us) 'trips'. One viewing might convince them that they really did act that way (they don't remember a thing!)!

Our ER moto is: Ride a motorcycle, become a donor.
Some years ago, someone in our ER made up a little 'poster' after a particulary nasty 'combo': They took a picture of a pile of hamburger and wrote a caption: "This is your body on drugs and alcohol after thinking you are Al Unser on your wedding night and climbing into your Corvette with your bride to start your honeymoon." (We all cried a LOT that night. )

 

[Chi Meson]

Aw, Jeez. Wasn't meant to be a downer!

Here's a better one:

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three left turns do.

 

[jimmy p]

Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.