If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- Deep Thought by Jack Handey
