Have Any Hilarious One-Liners? Share Them Here!

[expscv]

I heard this from a 4 year old boy:

He was irritating a young lady by attempting to bite her. She said, "OH! you're so bad!"
And he replied "No, I'm christian! haha!"

too funny!

hey i usually bite ppl but only try to be friendly,

 

[Jenn_ucsb]

You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!

Ah, you blew it too. Its an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.

 

[one_raven]

Another bumper sticker:

"Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole"

 

[angelical_kitten]

a) new scientific evidence proves the world DOES revolve around me.
b) my imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
c) 7/5ths of all people do not understand fractions.
d) a camel is a horse designed by a committee.
e) friends will help you move, good friends will help you bury the bodies.
f) algebra was easy for the romans because "X" was always 10.
g) bacteria: the only culture some people have.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

If you remain calm and collected while those around you lose their heads, obviously they know something you don't.

 

[Janitor]

Aviation humor:

There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.

 

[motai]

From United Nuclear's supply website: "Ingesting radioactive material is something we recommended you avoid no matter how good it may taste to you"

 

[Evo]

Ah, you blew it too. Its an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.

Yeah, I know I blew it, BUT an atheist could also doubt that they were right, so an atheist can also work in the joke. Hey I was multi-tasking when I wrote that.

 

[cookiemonster]

"Jenn_ucsb"? Does that mean you go to UC Santa Barbara? My brother goes there.

cookiemonster

 

[hypnagogue]

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

- Deep Thought by Jack Handey

 

[one_raven]

I LOVE Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey!

 

[Tsu]

I LOVE Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey!

Me 2! He's been a favorite of Ivan's and mine for years.

 

[tribdog]

I stole one of Jack Handy's jokes and regularly use it as my own. The one about being told to stay away from the other side of the tracks, that the other side of the tracks is the bad part of town. But one day going across the tracks and noticing that the houses were actually pretty nice. If fact they were a lot nicer than the ones on his side.

 

[one_raven]

That reminds me of a Joke by (I think it was) Geechy Guy. He said something like:

"My mother always warned me about taking the bus. She said there is always ONE weirdo on the bus. But I could never find him."

 

[expscv]

1.if u are under a bed that is upside down, r u under the bed?

2.If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

3.anyone noes wat are therapist? r they "the rapist"?

4.Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?

 

[jimmy p]

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you. :) i like that one!

 

[tribdog]

Hey! who are you? How did you get in here? Ow! No! Ow! Please! Stop stabbing me! I'll do whatever you want! Why are you doing this to me? For the love of God please stop I can't take anymore!
I crack up everytime I hear that.

 

[Imparcticle]

My friend was wearing this shirt once:
"If you're cute, I'm single"

Oh, the dedication...(*sarcastic*)

 

[jimmy p]

A t-shirt on a girl
"you're a bad boy, go to my room"

some insulting one-liners...
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.



and this one could come in handy if you go to a modern art convention and want to be unpopular:

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

 

[ShawnD]

I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

That is so brutal!



If a man is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?

 

[expscv]

if u r lost in a desert, but u don't care, then u are not lost.

 

[jimmy p]

That is so brutal!

If a man is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?

If a tree falls in the woods and hits a mime, does anyone care? - Gary Larson

 

[The_Professional]

Is your dad a terrorist? coz baby you are the bomb

 

[expscv]

do you believe in love at first sight or
do i have to walk by again?

 

[jimmy p]

The last time i had this much fun, the doctors said i wouldn't pull through

Last time i had sex, it was so good even the neighbours had a cigarette!

 

[Njorl]

Half of everything Njorl says.

Damn! Only about a third is supposed to be funny.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Okay now I'm confused...were you being funny or is this the 1:6 parts currently in dispute?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I should add that Zooby's one liners are often legendary as well.

Of course then there are his 2 liners, 10 liners, 20 liners...

 

[Phobos]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
-- a friend of a friend

I always preferred the outdoor life…hunting…shooting….fishing…getting out there with a gun and slaughtering a few of God’s creatures.
-- Monty Python

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
-- Steve Martin

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-- Mark Twain

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams


someone quoted a Dan Quayle gaff...here's another couple of his gems...

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.

 

[jimmy p]

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.