Have Any Hilarious One-Liners? Share Them Here!

[Loren Booda]

If the Pope is celibate, why is he so obsessed with a woman's private parts?

 

[RG500]

The best thing about you is that you're not here...

 

[Les Sleeth]

I don't know everything, for example, I don't know why your mom doesn't charge more than $10 for those fabulous blow jobs.

That's just evil. How did you find out anyway?

I don't know everything, but I do know where to find a dog without legs . . . right where I left him.

I also know what to call my boomerang that doesn't work . . . a stick.

The one thing I don't know is what to do with this penquin I found. A cop saw me carrying him and asked why. I said "well, he kept following me around and got tired, so I thought I'd give him a rest." The cop said, "why don't you take him to the zoo?" To me, that seemed like a great idea, so I did.

Later when the cop saw me carrying my penquin friend again I couldn't understand why he asked me, "Hey, I thought you were taking that penquin to the zoo!"

I explained the obvious, "I did, and he liked it so much now I'm taking him to the movies."

 

[BLUE_CHIP]

Not really a one liner but funny anyway..


Chancellor of the Exchequer: Mr. Speaker in that case I say that one half of this house are asses.

Speaker: Sir, I demand that you retract your statement.

Chancellor of the Exchequer : In that case Mr. Speaker I say that one half of this house are not asses.

 

[Chi Meson]

Cat, the other white meat

Hmm. Mine was all red inside.

 

[Chi Meson]

I worked hard to make this a "one-liner." Note the semi-colon:

Here in Connecticut there is no helmet law; consequently, ER staff have a special name for motorcyclists: doners.

 

[tribdog]

I worked hard to make this a "one-liner." Note the semi-colon:

Here in Connecticut there is no helmet law; consequently, ER staff have a special name for motorcyclists: doners.

good job. punctuation is funny.
My mom got her stomach stapled to help her lose weight, now she has a semi-colon.

 

[Tsu]

I worked hard to make this a "one-liner." Note the semi-colon:

Here in Connecticut there is no helmet law; consequently, ER staff have a special name for motorcyclists: doners.

That's assuming there's enough left of them to BE a donor. We had a couple of delightful shrieking 'mushroom boys' in last night that I would have liked to have made donors. Sure wish I'd had my videocam to tape those kids - just to hand them the tape as they walk out the door after we've brought them down from their screaming, thrashing, violent, biting (yes, they DO try to bite us) 'trips'. One viewing might convince them that they really did act that way (they don't remember a thing!)!

Our ER moto is: Ride a motorcycle, become a donor.
Some years ago, someone in our ER made up a little 'poster' after a particulary nasty 'combo': They took a picture of a pile of hamburger and wrote a caption: "This is your body on drugs and alcohol after thinking you are Al Unser on your wedding night and climbing into your Corvette with your bride to start your honeymoon." (We all cried a LOT that night. )

 

[Chi Meson]

Aw, Jeez. Wasn't meant to be a downer!

Here's a better one:

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three left turns do.

 

[jimmy p]

Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 

[Tsu]

Aw, Jeez. Wasn't meant to be a downer!

Yeah, you're right. Sorry. Sometimes I have a sucky downer job.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

 

[hitssquad]

Crack, the other white freebase cocaine

Some may remember the incident in which the black [as was said back then] comedian Richard Pryor inadvertently ignited his hair while trying to make or smoke crack cocaine...or similar. With his hair on fire he ran out of the building and down the street in a panic. Although he was seriously injured in this terrible episode, after recovering and when asked about the experience Pryor responded, "You can't believe how fast white people get out of the way when a black man is running down the street screaming with his hair on fire!"

Crack was developed partly to address the problem of people catching on fire while trying to smoke (traditionally derived, which involves using ethyl ether) freebase cocaine. Pryor was freebasing, not smoking crack.

 

[Les Sleeth]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if you're sick is that a good idea?

 

[jimmy p]

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

[quddusaliquddus]

"Momma get the hammer, daddys got a fly on his head"

[Country-Song Name - on CNBC]

 

[rathma]

anyone have a one-liner to say when someone accuses you of thinking you know everything?

Take no illusions, I'm full of confusions.
(Cairpre the bard)

I use that one a lot, but it tends to make people think you're smarter. Because of the rhyming and all. Maybe it'll work better for you than me.





Chaos. Disorder. Widespread panic. My work is done here.

 

[jimmy p]

OK, this thread can't die yet... here are some one liners about the meaning of life...


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you break wind.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish! and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works!

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our arse... then things get worse.



Sorry that most of them are "two liners"

 

[rathma]

OK, this thread can't die yet...

Just WHAT are you implying about MY one-liner? Well! Some people these days! Despite the factthat yours are funnier than mine, that doesn't mean that you can just walk all over it!










Chaos. Disorder. Widespread panic. My work is done here.

 

[Averagesupernova]

Yo mama is so stupid she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama is so fat she stepped on the dogs tail and now we call it 'beaver'.

I haven't had this much fun since my little brother got eaten by the pigs.

Technically the yo mamas belong in a thread of their own, but what they hey. Thread of there own, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

 

[jimmy p]

Just WHAT are you implying about MY one-liner? Well! Some people these days! Despite the factthat yours are funnier than mine, that doesn't mean that you can just walk all over it!


Chaos. Disorder. Widespread panic. My work is done here.

I was implying anything i swear! it's just that the thread was right at the bottom of the page and I feared it would be lost for good unless something drastic was done!

 

[rathma]

I was implying anything i swear!

You "Was implying anything"? Interesting...
Here are a few more...

Yo mama so fat, that if she walks outside in a red dress, all the kids storm her, shouting, "Kool-Aid!" "Kool-Aid!'"

Yo mama so fat, that if she turns the corner in a yellow dress, all the kids say, "Oh, no! We missed the school bus!"

Yo mama so fat, if she walks down the street in a blue dress, everybody runs away and screams, "TIDAL WAVE!"


Chaos. Disorder. Widespread panic. My work is done here.

 

[jimmy p]

jus coas i cante spel or tawk propper, don?t taik the pis


Yo mama so fat, her waist size is "equator"

 

[photon]

Suicide hotline. Please hold.

 

[rathma]

Very good photon. Jimmy, I don't understand yours, as I cannot translate it into intelligent-talk.

 

[jimmy p]

lol, ok I was just ripping myself for making a typo..."was" instead of "wasnt"

"jus coas i cante spel or tawk propper, don?t taik the pis" was me doing just that and it basically said 'just cos I can't spell or talk proper, don't take the p*ss'


And just for the sake of adding a one-liner

I lost my virginity but I still have the box it came in.

 

[photon]

I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.