Have Any Hilarious One-Liners? Share Them Here!

[loseyourname]

Jokes, insults, whatever. Let's see what you've got.

 

[one_raven]

"Christians- Can't live with 'em...
Can't feed 'em to the lions anymore."
-Bumper Sticker

 

[Janitor]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

[Norm Crosby?]

 

[angelical_kitten]

ouch. that hurt. but i'll live.

some of my favorite one-liners:
a) a truly wise man does not play leapfrog with a unicorn.
b) accept that some days, you're the pigeon, and some days, you're the statue.
c) a seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
d) frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
e) the idea in life is to die young as late as possible.

 

[Macgyver]

Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

“Every morning I get up and read the obituaries...if I'm not mentioned I get dressed”. - George Burns

Okay really that's a two liner so I cheated.

“My wife is so skinny that she has to run back and forth in the shower just to get wet.” - Dean Martin's uncle.

“If we can send a man to the moon then why don't we send all of them?” - Tsunami

“Today in Fairbanks, Alaska, researchers discovered a superconductor that operates at room temperature”. - unknown

Half of everything Njorl says.

The trouble with the French is that they don't have a word for "entrepreneur". - George Bush

There was a bad five car pile up on the I-5 this morning. Three people were killed; two seriously. - From a radio news report.

During a professional baseball game, the radio announcer comments on a young couple, apparently newlyweds, that displayed an unusual amount of affection during the game. He continues...I guess they are cheering for opposite teams because he kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls. – From “Pardon my Blooper”

The electron is not as simple as it looks. - (William) Lawrence Bragg, British Physicist(1890-1971)

“The Americans invaders have been driven back” – The Iraqi spokesman, Baghdad Bob, who was speaking as the U.S. tanks pulled up in front of his hotel.

What would chairs look like if people’s knees bent the other way?

 

[Point_Particle]

"In a world without fences, who needs Gates?" - I don't know where this came from.

 

[Tsu]

If brains were made of gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to get a pissant's go-cart around the inside of a Fruit Loop. (author unknown)

The sun don't shine on one dog's a$$ all the time. (my dad)

Life is hard, but life is harder when you're dumb. (Austin City Lounge Lizards)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

ya its tough when you come from the shallow end of the gene pool.

 

[expscv]

Do not piss in our pool for we do not swim in your toilet bowl.
Matthew Perry (Chandler Bing)
Friends


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

[ShawnD]

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

good point...

The dyslexic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

 

[Monique]

The trouble with the French is that they don't have a word for "entrepreneur". - George Bush

Really? omg

 

[Tsu]

Yes! He actually said that!

edit: this is one of my favorites. We'll call this two one-liners.

Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Really? omg

Tsu's father sent me the newspaper clipping from the Portland paper. We have it on the refrigerator.

 

[Kerrie]

momma, don't let your cowboys grow up to be babies...

silly cowboy, trucks are for girls...

(no, i am not into the cowboy scene, but these are bumper stickers I saw that cracked me up)

Driver has no cash, he is married.

 

[Evo]

good point...

The dyslexic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!

 

[Evo]

"I hear voices...and they don't like you" a bumper sticker

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" - Scott Adams (1957 - )

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Dan Quayle (1947 - )

"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday." - Sir William Bragg (1862 - 1942)

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen (1935 - )

"Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts." - Clare Booth Luce (1903 - 1987)

 

[Monique]

You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!

I stíll don't get it..

 

[tribdog]

I'm not illiterate, I know who my daddy is.

 

[Monique]

I stíll don't get it..

oh wait.. i think I'm starting to get it now..
it's late..

 

[ShawnD]

You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!

Nope. Athiests believe there is no god, that's why they wouldn't wonder.

 

[jimmy p]

A mixed feeling is when you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

The height of conceit is having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

The definition of macho is jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Divorce is so expensive because it's worth it.

Its hard to believe he beat 1 million other sperm

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than a normal one

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle

Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

When I am feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you cannot be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you have not met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he is really in trouble.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it is open.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

The difference between butt-kissing and brown-nosing is depth perception.



As you can tell, I love one-liners!

 

[jimmy p]

Oh yeah, what about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

 

[adrenaline]

Part political, part funny

"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute."
Rebecca West (1892-1983)
"Mr. Chesterton in hysterics," The Clarion, November 14, 1913

 

[tribdog]

When I am feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.:

That's funny.

 

[chroot]

You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!

I think it's actually an agnostic dyslexic insomniac.

- Warren

 

[Evo]

I think it's actually an agnostic dyslexic insomniac.

- Warren

I couldn't remember which it was, but you're right. Without either it just made no sense.

 

[ShawnD]

I think it's actually an agnostic dyslexic insomniac.

Now that makes sense.

The height of conceit is having an orgasm and calling out your own name

That's a beauty, I have to try that sometime and see what the girl's reaction is

 

[chroot]

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man with hole in pocket feels cocky all day.

- Warren

 

[Imparcticle]

I heard this from a 4 year old boy:

He was irritating a young lady by attempting to bite her. She said, "OH! you're so bad!"
And he replied "No, I'm christian! haha!"

too funny!

 

[expscv]

I heard this from a 4 year old boy:

He was irritating a young lady by attempting to bite her. She said, "OH! you're so bad!"
And he replied "No, I'm christian! haha!"

too funny!

hey i usually bite ppl but only try to be friendly,

 

[Jenn_ucsb]

You forgot, it's the atheist, dyslexic, insomniac that was up all night wondering if there really was a dog...you BLEW it!

Ah, you blew it too. Its an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.

 

[one_raven]

Another bumper sticker:

"Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole"

 

[angelical_kitten]

a) new scientific evidence proves the world DOES revolve around me.
b) my imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
c) 7/5ths of all people do not understand fractions.
d) a camel is a horse designed by a committee.
e) friends will help you move, good friends will help you bury the bodies.
f) algebra was easy for the romans because "X" was always 10.
g) bacteria: the only culture some people have.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

If you remain calm and collected while those around you lose their heads, obviously they know something you don't.