loseyourname said:
Sorry, that deserved smileys. He's nice, just not my type.
So you'd actually tell me, huh? You feel that comfortable even though we've never once had any personal conversation?
I didn't want to tell him because he barely knows me, and I don't know how to explain things in a way that wouldn't make him feel uncomfortable. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed or anything; I would tell anyone else that knew me well enough to be pretty sure that I wasn't crazy (but not well enough to be pretty sure that I was crazy). It's not even like this is a big deal; I wanted to stop it from becoming a big deal.
Ha ha, that's all? Heck, I get happy when you're online, or hypnagogue, or Sleeth, just because I know there will likely be some good, well thought-out posts following shortly. If you mean that you IM this guy, though, I usually have the opposite response, because then I have to be vigilant with my away message to ensure that people don't bother me while I'm busy with something else (I'm not much of a multitasker).
No, I don't do IM, and I avoided PMing him because I thought that might just add fuel to the fire. And don't laugh - it was more than normal, friendly happiness. And there were other things too, but all of the examples I can think of would give him away.
Anyway, I give up trying to make sense of my feelings immediately or control them or talk about them without rambling or contradicting myself. I don't understand everything that I feel or what exactly I want or don't want or am willing or not willing to do. I tried to start in on that Latin book, but I couldn't concentrate. So I printed out your (loseyourname's) post, grabbed some poetry books, and curled up on the couch.
(Oh, and here's one for you:
Jenny Kissed Me
Jenny kiss'd me when we met,
Jumping from the chair she sat in;
Time, you thief, who love to get
Sweets into your list, put that in!
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
Say that health and wealth have miss'd me,
Say I'm growing old, but add,
Jenny kiss'd me.
- James Leigh Hunt)
I thought about how I've dealt with this situation and how I feel about love - whatever it happens to mean at the moment - and what you guys said and things from my past and watched the rain and guess what I realized. I love reading Shakespeare. And courtly love makes me want to vomit sometimes and love this even more
MY mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red:
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask’d, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound:
I grant I never saw a goddess go,—
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
and I don't know if he meant it but I love him if he did and I love thinking about what kind of person he may have been and what we may have talked about - this is not really new - I just finally don't feel guilty about letting myself feel happy and in love even though I don't know what all of the reasons are or whether they're logical or right - it isn't a selfish indulgence anymore.
The thinking that nothing is possible or not dreaming enough is so not me in other areas of my life but was right when it comes to love. I'm not afraid of loving someone else and even thinking that someone like that exists makes me so incredibly happy and I'm not afraid of getting hurt. I just didn't think such a person could possibly really love me and I was afraid that I might end up hurting them or disappointing them. This was surrounded by lots of crying. Eh, I've been crying a lot the last few days. Hell, I'm crying now - but happily. Okay, I stopped. Ah, I don't know what to say. I think I want my version of Shakespeare's version of Aristotle's perfect friendship. I realized much more, but I think I've gone on enough.
Anyway, that wasn't about this guy. But I sort of want to tell him now because... well I don't know why. What would you do? Nothing else regarding him has changed. And I still don't want to make him feel really weird. Eh, is it too late for that? Actually, maybe I should think about this a bit.
