I think my parents have raised me wrong and it's backfired

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In summary, the author is saying that the author is an expert summarizer of content, and that the author does not respond or reply to questions. The author says that the author has been raised overprotected, and that the author needs to put himself in a competitive environment in order to improve himself. The author says that the chance of meeting someone terrible is always there, but that succumbing to that person makes the author complicit.
  • #1
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My parents are a bit overprotected me, they rarely use foul language or yelling at me.
I was often get bailed out of inconviences situation and I really don't like it , they say some problems are beyond your abilities as a young man to solve.
But the parts of growing up are learning how to solve my own problems, take the foul languages and brtually honest criticism ,aren't they?

-I don't intend to place a blame solely on my parents , they provide me love and protection but when I need to go out of the nest I need to be ready to survive own my own.

What I concern is a real world isn't academia where everyone is a classy white collar and uses flower language sometimes I have to work with people from very different backgrounds.

Edited : For being too critical and judgemental to a group of people.
 
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  • #2
I think you should be more concerned with your judgementalism in such a blanket characterization of some other people as brutes and meatheads than you are with your parents parenting style. We meatheads don't like it.
 
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  • #3
If you recognize you have an issue, that's at least half of what is required to solve it.
 
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  • #4
phinds said:
I think you should be more concerned with your judgementalism in such a blanket characterization of some other people as brutes and meatheads than you are with your parents parenting style. Us meatheads don't like it.

Sorry if this sounds rude and degrading ,what I really want to say is I need to understand how to work well with people from very different backgrounds especially from the "tough" type. That's it.

Thanks you
 
  • #5
What particular problems do you see when working with people of very different backgrounds?
 
  • #6
TechieDork said:
My parents are a bit overprotected me, they rarely use foul language or yelling at me.
I was often get bailed out of inconviences situation and I really don't like it , they say some problems are beyond your abilities as a young man to solve.
But the parts of growing up are learning how to solve my own problems, take the foul languages and brtually honest criticism ,aren't they?

-I don't intend to place a blame solely on my parents , they provide me love and protection but when I need to go out of the nest I need to be ready to survive own my own.

What I concern is a real world isn't academia where everyone is a classy white collar and uses flower language sometimes I have to work with people from very different backgrounds.

Edited : For being too critical and judgemental to a group of people.
Have you tried talking to your parents and explaining that as much as you appreciate them helping you out of bad situations (by the way how old are you and what type of "situations", and why are you getting into them, if I may ask) that you would also like guidance on how to avoid getting into these types of situations in the first place, and if you do get into one, how you should try to deal with them.
 
  • #7
From what I observe, you might be a bit too timid. Being too timid is just as bad as being too bold. Most likely, you haven't been exposed to any danger that you lack confidence. You don't know what it means to survive an adversary. So kudos to you for wanting to change that.

I was also raised overprotected, albeit a lot more toxic parenting was involved, that I needed substantial therapy to recover. I can give you some advice: You can't change yourself by yourself, but you can change yourself by putting yourself in such environment.

You are an undergrad. I don't know what you are planning to do after that but if you are planning to go to a graduate school to join a research group, don't choose a group just because they are lenient. That will not improve you at all both mentally and academically. Instead, choose a group with a supervisor that has high-standards but civil and with other members that are competitive but similarly civil. This really kills two birds with one stone. You improve yourself academically AND gain confidence. You learn to be competitive instead of a wishy-washy pushover.

The chance is, there always this one or two people in a great group that are narcissistic and terrible. You will meet them. They will give you a hard time. Succumbing to them makes you complicit. But surrounding yourself with civil people means you don't succumb to this. You won't become cynical.

This actually goes the same for any kind of competitive workplace (even places like boxing gyms). That's why adults are typically "mature". They know what it means to be in a competitive environment while having to have to maintain civility.

Be aggressive but civil. Be confident but modest. Sit up straight. Move forward.

Good luck!
EDIT: As a matter of fact, putting yourself in a serious relationship will still improve you a lot. You learn how to set boundaries. You learn how to make compromises. You learn how to be responsible. You learn how to be attentive. You learn to do your own part. The skills you learn here is similarly important in any other places. Don't put yourself in a loose, responsibility-free relationships. They won't improve you at all.
 
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  • #8
TechieDork said:
What I concern is a real world isn't academia where everyone is a classy white collar and uses flower language sometimes I have to work with people from very different backgrounds.
I think you should get a student job so you can get some actual experience/reference about the suspected problem.

Without experience you won't be able to tell whether it is even a problem or not.
 
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  • #9
TechieDork said:
My parents are a bit overprotected me, they rarely use foul language or yelling at me.
I was often get bailed out of inconviences situation and I really don't like it , they say some problems are beyond your abilities as a young man to solve.
But the parts of growing up are learning how to solve my own problems, take the foul languages and brtually honest criticism ,aren't they?

-I don't intend to place a blame solely on my parents , they provide me love and protection but when I need to go out of the nest I need to be ready to survive own my own.

What I concern is a real world isn't academia where everyone is a classy white collar and uses flower language sometimes I have to work with people from very different backgrounds.

Edited : For being too critical and judgemental to a group of people.
Don't be so sure people in academia are classy. Just like any other group , they have their different types. In my experience they are less likely to be openly confrontational or rude but , as a whole, neither significantly better nor worse.
 
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  • #10
In other words , It's really about growing a thick skin that thick enough to withstand any discomforts in the world.
I also study the stoic principle and it does help me cope better with my situations.
 
  • #11
TechieDork said:
In other words , It's really about growing a thick skin that thick enough to withstand any discomforts in the world.
I think you are missing the part about deciding WHAT is a discomfort. It's possible you're a bit thin-skinned. Just something to think about.
 
  • #12
TechieDork said:
In other words , It's really about growing a thick skin that thick enough to withstand any discomforts in the world.

I think it would be helpful if you were more specific. Can you give an example of the type of situation that you a having trouble with.
 
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  • #13
To posters outside of Asia (e.g. US, Canada, UK, Australia, France, Germany, Belgium, etc.)

Please note that @TechieDork is from Thailand, and so it is important to take into account traditional Thai (and more broadly, traditional East or Southeast Asian) culture in terms of parenting.

What @TechieDork refers to as overprotective parenting is quite common in many Asian countries - as someone who is half-Japanese and born in Japan, and with many friends from various Asian countries, I can attest to this. So when you respond with comments or advice, keep note of this.
 
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  • #14
StatGuy2000 said:
To posters outside of Asia (e.g. US, Canada, UK, Australia, France, Germany, Belgium, etc.)

Please note that @TechieDork is from Thailand, and so it is important to take into account traditional Thai (and more broadly, traditional East or Southeast Asian culture) in terms of parenting.

What @TechieDork refers to as overprotective parenting is quite common in many Asian countries - as someone who is half-Japanese and born in Japan, and with many friends from various Asian countries, I can attest to this. So when you respond with comments or advice, keep note of this.
Good point. Would have been helpful if he had told us that. All his profile says is that he graduated high school.
 
  • #17
phinds said:
I wondered how you knew but anyway, expecting folks to know stuff from other threads is not realistic, seems to me.

That's a fair point.

@TechieDork , next time when you start a thread about personal matters, I suggest you mention that you are from Thailand, so people can take your background into account. :)
 
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  • #18
I'm reminded of something I read years ago, that went something like this: "When I was 14 I couldn't stand to listen to my ole man blather about boring nonsense. By the time I was 30 I couldn't believe how much he had learned in 16 years." (If only we could get some updates here: https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/i-hate-my-parents.241142/)

Nevertheless, if you've seen movies than you're well aware that the world is full of all kinds of people. It sounds like your folks are trying to keep you focused on studies so the $ part of adulthood isn't such a struggle. That being said, motivation and a smile goes a long way with just about everyone--even meatheads. :)
 
  • #19
Your parents care too much about you. They think you haven't grown up yet...
 
  • #20
I fail to see the relevance of the OP's country of origin : parents who are - or perceived to be - overprotective and controlling aren't uncommon, anywhere.

Neither is peer-group pressure.

Being part of a supportive family wins over the other. Treat your relatives with respect.In the end, you can pick your friends ; you can pick your nose... but you can't pick your friend's nose.
 
  • #21
hmmm27 said:
I fail to see the relevance of the OP's country of origin : parents who are - or perceived to be - overprotective and controlling aren't uncommon, anywhere.

Neither is peer-group pressure.

Being part of a supportive family wins over the other. Treat your relatives with respect.In the end, you can pick your friends ; you can pick your nose... but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Well, we are not provided with enough information to judge whether his parents are healthy protective parents or toxic parents. But I would say it would be unfair to assert that his parents are fine and that he should treat relatives with respect. Some parents are truly toxic, and its effects are well documented in psychology. Some toxic parents use psychological manipulation to build guilt and shame in their children to get what they want, parents of these types tend to be narcissistic or borderline. Some toxic parents are hyper-agreeable that they are overprotective. Children of these types end up being too timid, fragile, and naive. You can consider the OP to be prevented from becoming an adult, and he is concerned. The fact that he brings this up itself is something to keep note of.

To me, these kind of parents deserve no respect. Raising children within healthy boundaries are obligations, not courtesy. Overprotecting or psychologically manipulating children is an indication that parents themselves are not suited for raising children. This is why Judge Judy sometimes argue that people may need tests to raise children. If children cannot respect their parents due to their toxic parenting method, then they are not certainly not obligated to respect their parents.
 
  • #22
TechieDork said:
My parents are a bit overprotected me, they rarely use foul language or yelling at me.
It is not your parents' job to act as if they the real world for your benefit; it is their job to set an example for you.

When you go out into the real world, you will have to find your way around people, but your parents will have given you some skills on how you can comport yourself - by demonstrating how they comport themselves.

You will run into rude people, but you will know who you want to be, and (ideally) will not be rude in return.
 
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  • #23
DaveC426913 said:
It is not your parents' job to act as if they the real world for your benefit; it is their job to set an example for you.

When you go out into the real world, you will have to find your way around people, but your parents will have given you some skills on how you can comport yourself - by demonstrating how they comport themselves.

You will run into rude people, but you will know who you want to be, and (ideally) will not be rude in return.
My parents rarely used foul language or yelling either.
I always thought that was normal, and probably is.
 
  • #24
DaveC426913 said:
It is not your parents' job to act as if they the real world for your benefit; it is their job to set an example for you.

When you go out into the real world, you will have to find your way around people, but your parents will have given you some skills on how you can comport yourself - by demonstrating how they comport themselves.

You will run into rude people, but you will know who you want to be, and (ideally) will not be rude in return.

Very good point, right there.

Some parents make the mistake of purposefully creating a harmful situation for their children to "train" them for the real world, but in reality they are just making children become overly cynical or overly conformers. The OP is making the mistake of thinking that the opposite of overprotection is to yell at their children.

Instead, parents should set good examples by showing what good boundaries are.
 
  • #25
Every kid everywhere will at some point encounter a situation for which he or she has not been adequately prepared. Okay, so you had overprotective parents. Stating that, worrying about that, focusing on what may not be optimal circumstances, is not going to help you move forward.

Here are some things that will help you move forward in terms of dealing with people from varying backgrounds...
  • Travel
    To the extent that you can, see the world. Back pack through another country. Take vacations in places that are not specifically directed toward 'tourists.' Got to places where they speak a different language and interact with the locals.
  • Learn a New Language
    Often one of the best ways of learning about a different culture is learning how to speak that culture's language. It can open up new ways of expressing yourself and help you to understand how different people see things.
  • Join Different Organizations
    Most universities have a wide array of clubs and teams. Try getting involved with something that's outside your comfort zone. I'm not sure what you mean exactly by "tough" people, but you might for example try joining a martial arts club.
  • Military Service
    While not for everyone, this will certainly be a culture shock for anyone who has had a sheltered childhood. It can help you to learn how to work as a team with people from very diverse backgrounds under demanding circumstances.
 

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