My transfer essay please critique

[SELFMADE]

As a first generation immigrant I had to face many setbacks. Without immediate family to lean on, I joined the work force at an early age. For several years, I worked as a janitor: washing floors of chain stores during the third shift. The work required me not to have any day offs except for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. While these years were not easy, the period distilled in me qualities that I am thankful that I possess. During these years I learned many lessons. One of which is the value of higher education. I have seen firsthand how one’s life and potential can be drained away if that person is not willing to fight to better himself. Even though with only myself as my family I never lost hope of someday of attending college. I never stopped reading about science; I never stopped bettering myself. After receiving my GED, I enrolled in Oakton Community College and studied for engineering. Now after one and half years and 60 credits later, the time has come for me to finally live my dream of working toward my bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering. I am keen to studying this subject because I find computer related technology fascinating and from an early age I have enjoyed solving mathematical and physical problems. The courses that I have taken in Oakton Community College such as General Physics II and Introduction to Digital Systems have only acted to fuel my thirst for further knowledge. I am ready now more than ever to continue learning. I truly feel higher education would enable me to develop necessary skills to become a contributing citizen, especially amidst the ever changing world. Studying electrical engineering will not only allow me to investigate new technologies but it also gives me the opportunity to develop and focus on one my genuine interests. To be able to study engineering subjects and complete coursework at university, logical problem solving techniques and good time management skills are crucial. Besides going to college fulltime, also during summers, I work as a server in a busy food establishment. This position helped me to develop social skills necessary to work with people from wide range of background. And my busy schedule requires me to develop and fine tune my time management skills. Outside of school and work, I enjoy weightlifting and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. As an ethnic Mongolian, I am active member of Antioch Mongolian Church of Glenview, IL.

 

[exohuman]

Paragraphs

 

[bogarts21]

Your writing style make it seem like you are begging for acceptance, in my opinion. Write it in a way that shows objectively why they must accept you and not because you had some hard times but because you are good enough for the college.

Studying electrical engineering will not only allow me to investigate new technologies but it also gives me the opportunity to develop and focus on one my genuine interests. To be able to study engineering subjects and complete coursework at university, logical problem solving techniques and good time management skills are crucial. Besides going to college fulltime, also during summers, I work as a server in a busy food establishment. This position helped me to develop social skills necessary to work with people from wide range of background. And my busy schedule requires me to develop and fine tune my time management skills. Outside of school and work, I enjoy weightlifting and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. As an ethnic Mongolian, I am active member of Antioch Mongolian Church of Glenview, IL.

^This part is good though.

 

[proof]

thought it was great. i think you will get accepted. only thing i would change is you might want a conclusion sentence or two which kind of summarize your intentions. like "in conclusion because of blah blah blah i feel the opportunities in your program would blah blah blah and i would blah blah blah" idk just seemed kind of weird to end it with what church you go to

 

[JCVD]

You definitely need to split this into paragraphs, and I have fixed a few grammatical errors below.

As a first generation immigrant I have had to face many setbacks. Without an immediate family to lean on, I joined the work force at an early age. For several years, I worked as a janitor, washing floors of chain stores during the third shift. The work required me to not have any days off except for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. While these years were not easy, the period instilled in me qualities that I am thankful to possess. During these years I learned many lessons, one of which is the value of higher education. I have seen firsthand how one’s life and potential can be drained away if that person is not willing to fight to better himself. Even with only myself as my family I never lost hope of someday attending college. I never stopped reading about science; I never stopped bettering myself. After receiving my GED, I enrolled in Oakton Community College and studied engineering. Now, one and half years and 60 credits later, the time has come for me to finally live my dream of working toward my bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering. I am keen on studying this subject because I find computer-related technology fascinating and from an early age I have enjoyed solving mathematical and physical problems. The courses that I have taken at Oakton Community College such as General Physics II and Introduction to Digital Systems have only acted to fuel my thirst for further knowledge. I am ready now more than ever to continue learning. I truly feel higher education would enable me to develop necessary skills to become a contributing citizen, especially amidst the ever-changing world. Studying electrical engineering will not only allow me to investigate new technologies, but it will also give me the opportunity to develop and focus on one of my genuine interests. To be able to study engineering subjects and complete coursework at the university level, logical problem-solving techniques and good time management skills are crucial. Besides going to college full-time, during summers I also work as a server in a busy food establishment. This position has helped me to develop the social skills necessary to work with people from a wide range of backgrounds. Furthermore, my busy schedule has required me to develop time management skills. Outside of school and work, I enjoy weightlifting and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. As an ethnic Mongolian, I am an active member of the Antioch Mongolian Church of Glenview, IL.