Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[CaptainQuasar]

From the http://www.limerickdb.com/?43" :

There was a young fencer named Fisk
Whose swordplay was agile and brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Lorentz contraction
Diminished his sword to a disk.​

 

[nicksauce]

World's shortest math joke:

Take epsilon < 0...

 

[mbrmbrg]

World's shortest math joke:

Take epsilon < 0...

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Bobg's TBD acronym joke reminded me of this old one:

A: I'd like to hear your opinion of my new theory.
B: It's not very good.
A: No matter, I'd like to hear it anyway.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I'll have a Geologist monkey please.' The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, 'That'll be $5000.' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?' The Shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that monkey is a GIT - geologist in training - it can lick rocks and tell you the exact mineralogy, well worth the money.' The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' 'Oh, that one's a P.Geo - a professional geologist - is can log drill holes, update and construct geological models, they are experts in igneous and metamorphic petrology and petrography, hydrogeology, sedimentolgoy and structural geology. SOME can even do basic calculations. All the really useful stuff,' said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, 'That one costs more than all the others put together! What on Earth does it do?'
The shopkeeper replied, 'Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer.'

 

[esbo]

Not really a science joke but a logic joke.

Sign on an esculator:- "Dogs must be carried".

Smeone with IQ 140+ thinks "What if you haven't got a dog"?

 

[_Mayday_]

What did the lion do to the particle physicist?

Lepton him.

 

[Eddyah]

Only thing that comes to mind is limits

 

[Leech]

There are 10 types of people in the world - those who can understand binary, and those who can't.

I've got another one like that:

There are 10 types of peolpe in the world - those who undersand ternary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.

 

[Danger]

Ivan, I read your post a very long time ago, and just re-read it. I've owed you this for a while:

 

[Lisa!]

Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows, Power = Work/Time.
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for money, we find

Money = Work/Knowledge

The greater your knowledge, the more work you have to do for your money. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.*

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I'll have a Geologist monkey please.' The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, 'That'll be $5000.' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?' The Shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that monkey is a GIT - geologist in training - it can lick rocks and tell you the exact mineralogy, well worth the money.' The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' 'Oh, that one's a P.Geo - a professional geologist - is can log drill holes, update and construct geological models, they are experts in igneous and metamorphic petrology and petrography, hydrogeology, sedimentolgoy and structural geology. SOME can even do basic calculations. All the really useful stuff,' said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, 'That one costs more than all the others put together! What on Earth does it do?'
The shopkeeper replied, 'Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer.'

Wow! I can't believe that I missed this 1!

 

[neu]

Not a joke, but a "mind-boggler":

Three brothers go to a restaurant, have a meal and get the bill.

The bill is $25, so with no even change, the brothers hand the waiter $10 each.

The waiter gives each brother $1 back, and keeps $2 for himself.

So each brother payed $9 ($27), and the waiter kept $2, where is the extra dollar?

What extra dollar? The waiter is taking the excess, i.e. $27 - $25 = $2

nothing is missing, Is this mind boggling?

 

[Erythro73]

A funny link on the existence of magnetic monopoles. The narrator is one of my teacher (teaching E&M courses and Applied group theory in physics).

https://www.webdepot.umontreal.ca/Usagers/mackenzr/MonDepotPublic/pagewebpers/LaMer/indexeng.html

 

[Grogerian]

Think about it. 80p. Eighty-p. eighdy-p. A-D-P.

Rofl, i was sitting here thinking how in the world 80 phosphorus what? now i get it... that's just... no :( made me feel stupid, lol

 

[mathlete]

World's shortest math joke:

Take epsilon < 0...

My analysis professor said one similar to this. "Let epsilon be large and negative..."

 

[Hurkyl]

I don't remember if I've posted these. Behold, two of the most tortured puns to which I have ever borne witness!

http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/1709.html

(one is in the comic, one in the annotation)

 

[CaptainQuasar]

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: What's the difference between an Einstein ring and a Dumbbell nebula?
A: The Dumbbell nebula is dimmer.

 

[lindaadams]

One atom walks up to another atom and says
"Dude I think I lost an electron"
the other atom replies
"Are you sure?"
he says
"Yes, I am positive"

 

[Crazy Tosser]

Shortest mathematics joke:
\varepsilon &lt; 0
with the even more excessive versions
\varepsilon \ll 0
and
\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty

[?] [?] [?] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!

Best.joke.ever. Can't stop laughing LOL

 

[Newspeak]

A few of them are lame but there are some good ones:
http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/physicsjokes.html

 

[tchitt]

One atom walks up to another atom and says
"Dude I think I lost an electron"
the other atom replies
"Are you sure?"
he says
"Yes, I am positive"

Haha. I love the jokes the robot butler in Fallout 3 tells.

Atoms have mass? I wasn't even aware they were Catholic.

A neutron walks into a bar, "how much for a drink?" he asks. The bartender replies, "For you, no charge"

 

[mbrmbrg]

Best.joke.ever. Can't stop laughing LOL

Ack!
My ignorance overwhelms me; behold my shame.
But will somebody PLEASE tell me why negative epsilon is funny?

 

[DaveC426913]

... will somebody PLEASE tell me why negative epsilon is funny?

According to wiki, epsilon is defined as "...an arbitrarily (or nearly so) small positive quantity..."

 

[mbrmbrg]

Ah. Thank you. Got it. Use Wikipedia.

 

[Winzer]

Here's is one, you have to imagine that Jerry Seinfeld is telling it:

What's the deal the Higgs Boson? Does it even matter?

 

[nrqed]

Haha. I love the jokes the robot butler in Fallout 3 tells.

Atoms have mass? I wasn't even aware they were Catholic.

Can someone help me out. I am sure I have heard that joke in a movie but I can't put my finger on it. It is driving me crazy. I don't think it was a comedy. It is driving me crazy!

 

[Andre]

Can someone help me out. I am sure I have heard that joke in a movie but I can't put my finger on it. It is driving me crazy. I don't think it was a comedy. It is driving me crazy!

A Catholic mass

 

[lederhosen]

whats does one physicist say if he wants to pick up another physicist? Let me be your cation and you be my anion I've always had an ion u..

IDK i just thought of it now

 

[maze]

Q: Why did the mathematician have complex numbers on his cellphone?

A: So he could call all his imaginary friends.