What Can I Do to Combat Loneliness in College?

[MissSilvy]

Ack, you guys are right. As usual. It's just difficult to talk to people sometimes, as stupid as that sounds. And you are absolutely correct, I am a pretty intense perfectionist. I don't run around judging other people not worthy enough to grace with my presence or anything of the sort but I will admit I section myself off from other people in my head quite often. I suppose all I can do is start talking to other people and hope we strike it off? College is a learning experience after all.

And thank you, but I don't date currently. I'm not that sort of lonely :)

Thank you MIH and Virtuous! You guys are quite sweet. I accepted your friend request but unfortunately I have to decline the drink. I live in northern Illinois, so that'd be quite a trek. I'll keep it in mind if I'm ever in Ontario though!

Rewebster: My university is a small college town in Illinois. Right now, it's quite cold, unfortunately.

 

[whs]

Jesus.

If you don't want to be lonely then get out there and start meeting people.

Its not hard, but you seem to enjoy not doing it.

Yes, 98% of the people you meet are losers, and yet if you keep trying every day you will have quite a few friends in a months time.

I'm sick of people that think like this. Come back DOWN TO EARTH.

 

[rewebster]

Ack, you guys are right. As usual. It's just difficult to talk to people sometimes, as stupid as that sounds. And you are absolutely correct, I am a pretty intense perfectionist. I don't run around judging other people not worthy enough to grace with my presence or anything of the sort but I will admit I section myself off from other people in my head quite often. I suppose all I can do is start talking to other people and hope we strike it off? College is a learning experience after all.

And thank you, but I don't date currently. I'm not that sort of lonely :)

Thank you MIH and Virtuous! You guys are quite sweet. I accepted your friend request but unfortunately I have to decline the drink. I live in northern Illinois, so that'd be quite a trek. I'll keep it in mind if I'm ever in Ontario though!

Rewebster: My university is a small college town in Illinois. Right now, it's quite cold, unfortunately.

Small towns in Illinois can seem they're sometimes far away from things that seem more interesting--sometimes---I went to a small college in Illinois, and still live in a 'smaller' town in Illinois.

Part of things depend on how intense your devotion to your field of studies is (hopefully you've decided already)---it may sound funny, but find some people doing (or when they are going to 'do' some things) in the physics dept. Socially ask someone on the floor to go to some activity---there's usually something going on someplace all the time--

One big thing, just ask others what they're going to do, and ask to join them

 

[Senjai]

Rewebster: My university is a small college town in Illinois. Right now, it's quite cold, unfortunately.

Remember that in terms of sociability, college is very different from universities. It's often recommended by many high-school and college/university counsellors that you take the social environment you prefer into account during your school selections.

Universities typically have a very large student base (15k+) can sometimes be surrounded by sufficient resources for their students to live very near or on campus. These schools, due to the vast number of students promotes diversity and school spirit, you tend to see larger groups of people with similar interests then what would typically be considered a minority in college. Universities are well known for school spirit in pep rallies, varsity sports, clubs, etc.

Colleges are commonly labeled as "commuter schools." Typically students don't always live near or on campus, and colleges don't usually have a large base of students (compared to universities) as to promote those "small minority groups." Most colleges students go to do their classes, study a little bit, then head on the 50 minute ride home.

It is duly emphasized to factor night life, housing & residence, student spirit, school traditions etc. And not simply rely on the academic reputation and prestige in the school. A friend of mine pursued her B. Sc in UWO (University of Western Ontario) after being accepted to several schools, because of the schools social reputation, and she's faring quite well there.

And while social reputation might imply thoughts of "well i don't think I am necessarily a social butterfly" includes students like yourself. Again usually the larger the amount of students, the greater those "selections" of people become noticeable. It could be easier (or harder) to find people with similar interests depending on your approach.

Colleges do have that small and intimate feeling, however, some students could be intimidated by being around the same small group of people all the time and it could be negative rather then positive (this includes myself) Sometimes a larger body of students and "variety" proves to help some people feel more comfortable branching out to other people.

I would consider myself a social person, I'm pursuing a BBA, and have a dance career on the side. However i have not always been "social." The majority of my teenage years were spent in books and moving around. I do not fare well in small campuses. I enjoy big campuses and universities, it is a thrill of mine to walk up to new people everyday to try and meet and network with as many people as possible.. As i said i have not always been this way.. It came in a sort of "cheesy revolution" regarding a girlfriend of mine. I learned the rule that if you want something, take it. And ever since i live by it. I consider it my "motto" that if you want something, and don't do everything you can to get it, then you don't want it enough.

If you want to meet people, go out and meet people. Simple prospect, yet it's not-surprisingly hard for some people to do. You have to realize, after you take the complications and factor out all the common factors your left with: If you want to talk to someone, talk to them. It's just that simple. Remember that people naturally only feel comfortable around people that appear open and confident. Their have been days where I've felt lonely, and went down to the library or dance studio and told myself i wouldn't leave until i have a new acquaintance. Again, i have quite a few close friends, and a wide variety of acquaintances. I typically am uncomfortable when i don't know people, same as yourself, the difference is i do what is needed to make myself comfortable.

Sometimes that means biting the bullet and walking up to that "cute" guy and saying hi. Even if your not looking for a relationship, the analogy still applies. Its REALLY difficult to do, it takes a lot of attempts. But its infinitely valuable. Everything in this world revolves around communication. Learn to communicate. You will never find anyone with "similarities" unless you motivate yourself to get to know someone that you have no clue about. Even if all you have in common is that you both like running on the treadmill before a workout. Nothing can hurt just to say "Hey, How are you?" its perfectly normal. And I'm sure if I said it to you, when your next to me in a lecture hall, you wouldn't feel to awkward :)

Though keep in mind, people approach (usually) those who seem approachable, so smile, say hi, be cordial to everyone you meet. Talk to people if you have even the slightest desire to, and don't worry about the "will they think I am weird" feeling you get at the back of your throat.

This is why its my motto :) After taking away all the complicated ********, your left with take what you want, and don't worry what anyone assumes.

Let me know if this helps.

Regards,
Senjai

 

[rootX]

Remember that in terms of sociability, college is very different from universities. It's often recommended by many high-school and college/university counsellors that you take the social environment you prefer into account during your school selections.
..

Let me know if this helps.

Regards,
Senjai

I am sorry to point out but I believe Canadian universities = American colleges.

 

[Senjai]

Thanks rootx, i probably wouldn't be aware of such as i am Canadian. Nonetheless the big-small factors still apply. Regardless of terminology.

 

[Noxide]

Most college students are just high school graduates...

This made me lol.

 

[Jame]

Great post by Sinjay! You have many good points. It's about trying yourself rather than waiting for people to come to you. Unfortunately this is the way most people's social life is built: by the accidental circumstances around them, coworkers, the neighbor, etc. With so many people in the world chances are great that there are people out there you'll get along with fantastically well, so don't just settle with what presents itself at your front porch but go out and seek the kind of people you like to be with!

I think your problem also lies in your dislike for chit-chat. I used to think that it was meaningless and was therefore bored with people in general, until I realized that most people think the same, but they do it anyway for the sake of socializing. As already pointed out it's the chit-chat that eventually leads you to the soul mate of your life.

Also it will take practice to benefit from the company of others if you're used to being by yourself. Let's say you just got the reading list for your course and head out to the library, do you go there yourself or join with a fellow class mate?

To make friends you need to give people something to catch on to. Asking questions, needing assistance, saying something that needs completion and so on. This is what I didn't do for the first part of my life, and hopefully there might be something of help to you in my experiences. Good luck.

 

[Legion81]

The past year I've concentrated a lot on myself. I became a runner, I take excellent care of myself, I learned to cook, and I studied a few things that I've always wanted to.

You could check out meetup.com to find people to run with. They have groups for everything from athletic activities to dinner and movies. That would be a start. You should also find a hobby that you enjoy. Its kind of hard to spend time with people if you don't have something to do. I would recommend activities that are free (or almost free) and get you out of your apartment. This is a good time of year for snowshoeing!

 

[seycyrus]

...
My roommate is my friend of 10+ years and

This was your first mistake. Initial friendships in college are based on required interactions. Go get another roomate. A person you do not know already.

...does is sit in the apartment

So, you live in an apartment with a person you've already known for 10 years...?

Go live in a dorm, or go back to the dorm if you left.. There are dorms that have floors for people with specific lifestyles. Find an honors floor. Regardless, you will meet people.

Many people progress the other way around. Starting out in the dorm and getting an apartment (or moving into the greek housing if applicable), but you need to go the the other route.

Even if you move back out of the dorm in a semester or two. You will have met many people, some that might share common interests. If having an unknown roommate is too much of a risk for you, get a single.

 

[edpell]

It is not clear to me what you want. How do you feel about being alone? If it is not good, than what kind of not alone are you wanting? People with same interests or just people? If same interests than what are your interests and are their others in the local area with the same interests?

 

[edpell]

Here is an alternate theory. Humans 16-26 seek mates. Society discourages people from mating preferring that they be productive workers for the corporation, government, university, etc rather than mate. This leads people to feel alienated, lonely, etc.

 

[Noxide]

Here is an alternate theory. Humans 16-26 seek mates. Society discourages people from mating preferring that they be productive workers for the corporation, government, university, etc rather than mate. This leads people to feel alienated, lonely, etc.

I know a 27 year old seeking a mate. Your theory is bs.

 

[edpell]

I give those as peak years not as absolute limits.

 

[Proton Soup]

I know a 27 year old seeking a mate. Your theory is bs.

i don't think it is. my grandmother married at 17, which was pretty common in the time. by 27, she had several children and not much time for loneliness. but our society does now frown upon that for at least two reasons: education is required to succeed in modern society, and delaying childbirth to less fertile years reduces the problem of overpopulation. seeking a mate at 27 is preferred now, but it's certainly not normal. it's normal to be seeking mates in your most fertile years.

 

[Loren Booda]

I have heard more than once encouragement for people nowadays not to marry until age 30.

 

[edpell]

It is evolution in action. Which combinations of genes will choose to obey the rules work hard and have no kids and which combinations will have lots of kids. The combinations that have lots of kids will be a larger fraction of the gene pool in the future.

In general America seems to work by using the people who are present and when they are unable to reproduce (due to harsh living conditions) import more new people. It is a very effective engine of industry.

 

[rewebster]

I have heard more than once encouragement for people nowadays not to marry until age 30.

I wonder if that's because people, in where ever that country(ies) the suggestion is such, don't on the average socially mature until around age 30 now.

 

[edpell]

don't on the average socially mature until around age 30 now.

"The Sibling Society" by Robert Bly is an interesting book on this topic.

 

[EnumaElish]

I know a 27 year old seeking a mate. Your theory is bs.

Your statement is vacuously implicative.

 

[dr dodge]

What you have to understand is yourself first.
social activities are fun, but doing something your heart is not in is annoying at the least.
search of self can be enlightening or destroying, as can social activity.
learn to be happy alone, doing something you like, and the social will come

you could have my problem, that is after people get to know me, they seem to leave
(usually backing away slowly) so at that point I "recluse back" to doing what I want

(be carefull, my only real college friend became my wife, cutting short my educational career...her's too)

dr

 

[edpell]

I think dr dodges comments are helpful and sincere. I would choose to word part of it differently "search of self can be enlightening or destroying" I would put it less passionately as "search of self is always informative, some of the information you will be happy about and some you will be unhappy about". You will not be destroyed nor will you be enlightened you will be more yourself and your various contradictory parts will be made conscious for you to choose.