What Do You Do If You Were a Rock Star?

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if you find yourself following zoobyshoe around, for a day in his life, and you find out that he is actually the Assitant Undersecretary to the "Chief of Statistical Infloormation" at the bureau of "Past/Present/Futur Floors" in Romania?

It would become vital to kidnap him and subject him to sodium pentathol interrogation given the importance of the state of Romanian floors, and indeed all horizontal planes in Romania, to the continued well being of humanity.

What do you do if, while bringing a truckload of refuse to the local landfill, you are waiting in line and the man in the truck behind you gets out of his vehicle, startles you by rapping on your window, and says "Did you know you have President Bush in the back of your truck?"

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if, while bringing a truckload of refuse to the local landfill, you are waiting in line and the man in the truck behind you gets out of his vehicle, startles you by rapping on your window, and says "Did you know you have President Bush in the back of your truck?"

Thats Jerry! I know him, Ya, that's exactly what he said to me last week, he's such a joker, he had actually placed some sort of "carcass" looking thing, that really did resemble your 'Prez' slightly, (he musta done a pretty good job come to think of it, it really did look a bit like that guy on TV) but he was a rollin on the floor laughing his buttocks off as he saw me standing at the back of my truck looking in, so I knews he was "just a joking" so I shot that 'gimic' into the crusher, and watched it squish that pile of rubbish into the smallest little thing you ever did see...Humm, come to think of it, anyone seen President Bush around...lately?

What do you do if Oooops, it really was your President in the back of my trash truck, and your the one who is found to have placed his dead carcass there!? What do you do??

 

[phoenixthoth]

you praise allah that while you're in an unfortunate situation at least you're not in a worse situation.

what do you do if you're in a worse situation?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by phoenixthoth
what do you do if you're in a worse situation?

Recall how much better everything was in "The Good old days"

What do you do if your an amnesiac, and cannot remember "The good old days"??

 

[Mentat]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
Recall how much better everything was in "The Good old days"

What do you do if your an amnesiac, and cannot remember "The good old days"??

Sit around and do nothing, eventually you'll also forget that you're in a worse situation.

What do you do you're being given a wedgie and a noogie at the same time?

 

[phoenixthoth]

i would get medevial on their ass with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

what do you do if instead of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch, you just have a pair of pliers?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by phoenixthoth what do you do if instead of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch, you just have a pair of pliers?

I spent the day on the phone calling people for advice about this problem: two auto mechanics, three machinists, five welders, and one professor of medieval history. They're thinking it over. In the meantime grab the person by the nose with the pliers and hold them until this issue is resolved.What do you do if, as a member of an FBI swat team, you burst into Phoenixthoth's garage to find him whipping up a batch of C4, only to have him throw his hands up in surrender saying "I wasn't going to use it for evil! I wasn't going to use it for evil!"?

 

[phoenixthoth]

that would be a particularly interesting "what if" for me since i am phoenixthoth. i'd probably wonder if the other person was a long lost twin with the same name or perhaps one of us has crossed the barrier that separates universes. i'd shoot him in the skull and let God sort him out. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! then i'd use the C4 for evil purposes.

what do you do if when you're in a similar situation and after killing your doppleganger, are about use his explosives, and another version of you working for the fbi shows up? would you get the hint or would you (meaning the new one from the fbi) continue this cycle of violence?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by phoenixthoth
what do you do if when you're in a similar situation and after killing your doppleganger, are about use his explosives, and another version of you working for the fbi shows up? would you get the hint or would you (meaning the new one from the fbi) continue this cycle of violence?

Both at the same time = End of Story!

What do you do if, the stories over?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if, the stories over?

This would be a good opportunity to wash all the floors n Romania.What do you do if a singer of sad songs with a hurdy gurdy and a monkey with a pegleg, comes down your street one day, coasting along in his autogiro, parks outside your house, and knocks on the door asking if you have any spare diesel fuel?

 

[revesz]

I ask him if he can tell me how his hurdy gurdy works in the form of a sad song.

what do you do if while listening to his sad song about his hurdy gurdy you suddenly realize that you don't have any spare diesel fuel and in a violent rage his monkey attempts to attack you with his pegleg?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by revesz
what do you do if while listening to his sad song about his hurdy gurdy you suddenly realize that you don't have any spare diesel fuel and in a violent rage his monkey attempts to attack you with his pegleg?

WOW you were there? You saw that? and you didn't come forward at the trial to help me to recoop the losses that I took on that stupid primate, and his chimp? I should od to you the same thing I did to that chimp, using that primate again!

What do you do if the question asked, is answered, but the answer leaves you, sorta/kinda/maybelike un-satisfied, until you mull it over, over a pint of ale, that is soaked in earwax that was coating the glass?

 

[revesz]

I would remain un-satisfied with the answer, to avoid having to clean the ear wax off the glass when I'm done.

What do you do if you change your mind, and decide you would rather have a sense of satisfaction, but cannot remember where you left your earwax?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by revesz
What do you do if you change your mind, and decide you would rather have a sense of satisfaction, but cannot remember where you left your earwax?

Listen closely, and it will (eventually) show up!

What do you do if, while 'listening closely' to your own ears, you hear the wax about to drip, out, and you have nothing sanitary to catch it in, except the full beer in front of you?

 

[revesz]

Assuming that a beer soaked in ear wax would have the same effect as the pint of ale I would allow the wax to drip in my beer.

What do you do if, upon the wax dripping into the full beer, the rightful owner of the beverage asks for his drink back, unaware of the ear wax in it?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by revesz What do you do if, upon the wax dripping into the full beer, the rightful owner of the beverage asks for his drink back, unaware of the ear wax in it?

Having consulted the accepted masterpiece on the subject, The Social Responsibilities Of Ear Wax Production, by Betty Anne Mannerly, I find the following :

"In cases where it is evident that another person might unintentionally ingest the ear wax of someone else, all buildings within a one mile radius should be evacuated and an alert should be issued by the nearest Center For Disease Control. What do you do if, while riding your yak toward your home village a man on a bicycle coming toward you begins to shout "Go back! Go back! All the ale mugs are tainted with ear wax!" ?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if, while riding your yak toward your home village a man on a bicycle coming toward you begins to shout "Go back! Go back! All the ale mugs are tainted with ear wax!" ?

Grab the guy, haul him off of the raod, and check the bicycle, cause from years of beer/ear wax indulgencies experience I can easily attest to the fact of the matter being that, if the guy is telling you the truth about the earwax tainted beer mugs, then the wheels of his bicycle must have residues of said wax, (*It's the Law! Dammit!*) and the removal of even the slightest of ear wax residue from the guys bike tires will cause such an imbalance to him in his riding that he should fall over sidewards after simply twelve (21) feet of travel, (forwards OR backwards!) at which point you should be able to reach into his coat pocket and find the "Officially and Authoritatively, the One, and Only 'Ear Wax Recovery' Tool" cause nicely equiped with that, your summer plans of scaling Mount St Helens (*naked*) will be 1/64^th of the way there!

What do you do if after having typed out a long, sensible, coherent, sane, lucid, physcologically balanced, responce, you now find you have nothing to say/ask?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if after having typed out a long, sensible, coherent, sane, lucid, physcologically balanced, responce, you now find you have nothing to say/ask?

Yes, sometime just answering takes all one's literary strength. What you do, then, is to let your mind meander among the far away stars and planets, the remote corners of the unconscious and subconscious, the strange alleyways of strange cities, into peculiar books both comic and literary, and something should occur to you. If not, resort to bodily functions.What do you do if you are strolling down a strange alleyway in a strange city and a strange vagrant says something strange to you in a strange language, and you look it up in a strange phrase book and what he has said is: "Everything OK with you bowel-wise?"?

 

[Rockdog]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
Yes, sometime just answering takes all one's literary strength. What you do, then, is to let your mind meander among the far away stars and planets, the remote corners of the unconscious and subconscious, the strange alleyways of strange cities, into peculiar books both comic and literary, and something should occur to you. If not, resort to bodily functions.


What do you do if you are strolling down a strange alleyway in a strange city and a strange vagrant says something strange to you in a strange language, and you look it up in a strange phrase book and what he has said is: "Everything OK with you bowel-wise?"?

I'd say, yes.

What do you do if you found out that your mom is really a man?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by Rockdog
What do you do if you found out that your mom is really a man?

Go Ask your DAD!

What do you do if Dad, doesn't know?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if Dad, doesn't know?

I would arrange for a private screening of the accepted masterpiece on the subject, Glenn or Glenda? by Ed Wood Jr. and ponder it for answers.On a recent excursion to the observatory at Mt. Palomar, Ca. USA, I had the honor of looking through the big scope at the planet Pluto, which, it turns out, is not unlike an old brown bag full of greasy little doughnuts, with a lot of tiny Plutonians running around all over the surface, touching antennae as they meet each other, in the manner of ants. The keeper of the scope said I could pick any Plutonian I wanted and name it, and they would write its name down in the book of Plutonian names they keep there, next to the scope. What would you do if you were given the opportunity to name a Plutonian?

 

[Carla1]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What would you do if you were given the opportunity to name a Plutonian?

Call it Peefah.

What would you do if suddenly everyone could read your mind and there was not a thought you could keep to yourself?

 

[d00dz]

What would you do if suddenly everyone could read your mind and there was not a thought you could keep to yourself?

Think about how everybody knows what I am thinking and then think about what they are thinking about since they are thinking about what your thinking about and then say...YOU SUCK!

What would you do if you made a boul of Fruity Loops cereal and saw that they were all one colour?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by d00dz What would you do if you made a boul of Fruity Loops cereal and saw that they were all one colour?

If they were all one colour and not all one color, I would naturally assume they had been manufactured in Canada.What do you do if, on top of that, your boul keeps trying to change into a bowl, and your Fruity Loops keep trying to change into Fruit Loops?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by d00dz
What would you do if you made a boul of Fruity Loops cereal and saw that they were all one colour?

Drink up the milk to find the ones that sank to the bottom.

What would you do if while drinking up the milk you were suddenly absorbed into the bowl, arriving in your own past, at you grandmothers house, out in the dog houe and Rover was just punished for ** ** ing on the lawn by being kept in the doghouse, but he still has the "Runs" that made him go in the first place, and you can't get out, can't yell, cause of all of that cereal still now solidified in your mouth, and are pinned down beneath Rover, cause in this incarnation of the 'temporal' you, you are only 18 inches tall, but weight in at 175 Lbs, and can't....arrrrrrrrrgh?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What would you do if while drinking up the milk you were suddenly absorbed into the bowl, arriving in your own past, at you grandmothers house, out in the dog houe and Rover was just punished for ** ** ing on the lawn by being kept in the doghouse, but he still has the "Runs" that made him go in the first place, and you can't get out, can't yell, cause of all of that cereal still now solidified in your mouth, and are pinned down beneath Rover, cause in this incarnation of the 'temporal' you, you are only 18 inches tall, but weight in at 175 Lbs, and can't....arrrrrrrrrgh?

Well, Marcel Proust had a similar experience and his reaction was to write a several volume autobiography. In your case, though, it might be better to just scratch out a brief last will and testament on the wall of the doghouse with your fingernail.What do you do if you're going through Einstein's papers at the archive and discover he didn't say "Relativity" but "Bellytivity"?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you're going through Einstein's papers at the archive and discover he didn't say "Relativity" but "Bellytivity"?

Well, I would take the papers, go out and sell them for a fortune, (as it would effectively re-write history) then I would take the fortune, invest it, cautiously and carefully, secure a 'good income' from the dividends, then assist in the creation of a website devoted entirely to physics (and science) so we could all figure out just what "Bellitivity" really means/meant...

What would you do if suddenly everyone could read your mind and there was not a thought you could keep to yourself, so you learned to walk silently in the "mind pool" as to ensure that all communications were "one on one", but in doing that, you realized that that left lots of other people thinking that they were listening in on your mind (but actually they were not) in a communicative manner that simply wasn't truly there, so to help them avoid there own "self deception" you explained the point of it, this way, and that results in them realizing that, you could not only keep thoughts to yourself, but that you had 'thoughts' that solved the current conundrums in Science, but no one would respond to you because they all thought all they had to do was "think about it" meaning that they still hadn't figured out there own "self deceptions", what would you do??

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What would you do if suddenly everyone could read your mind and there was not a thought you could keep to yourself, so you learned to walk silently in the "mind pool" as to ensure that all communications were "one on one", but in doing that, you realized that that left lots of other people thinking that they were listening in on your mind (but actually they were not) in a communicative manner that simply wasn't truly there, so to help them avoid there own "self deception" you explained the point of it, this way, and that results in them realizing that, you could not only keep thoughts to yourself, but that you had 'thoughts' that solved the current conundrums in Science, but no one would respond to you because they all thought all they had to do was "think about it" meaning that they still hadn't figured out there own "self deceptions", what would you do??

I would, in your shoes, take this story to the nearst psychiatrist to be certified clearly, but benevolently, bonkers in order to receive free public assisstance for being bonkers, and then figure out what to do about the problem later.What do you do if you leave your door open at night to let in the fresh air while you are typing on the internet and a moth about the size of a lear jet flys in, lands on your bed, and lays a pile of moth eggs weighing about 70 pounds, then keels over on its back on the floor and dies?

 

[Andy]

Find another bed!

What do you do if mothra attacks you rather than just lay its eggs?

 

[einsteinian77]

Prey for Godzilla to show up

What do you do if Godzilla is too tired of fighting mothra?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by einsteinian77
What do you do if Godzilla is too tired of fighting mothra?

Watch, as King Kong[/size] comes along and whomps'em both!

What do yo do if suddenly, you are King Kong[/size]!??

 

[The Grimmus]

prably stop mixing lsd and other hallucinagines and when i come off my high realize that I'm just a regulare 600 pound boneless man glob,

How do you get bones and you know lose that exess 450 lbs
(i want to apologize to all the peopel from countries other than america, i wish we'd just convert to the metric sytem.)

 

[Oblivion]

de..com...pos...e

What do you do if your wife stumbles on your internet history?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Oblivion
What do you do if your wife stumbles on your internet history?

This reminds me of the story my old calculus professor used to tell about the time him wife stumbled over the stack of magazines he had temporarily stashed under the bed one day when she was out, and he was home alone. It would be really, really great if I could remember the rest of it. I swear, you'd get a kick out of it. I remember laughing so hard I nearly asphyxiated.What do you do if you've measured the same dam distance three times and come up with a different anser each time using the same measuring tape, the same distance, the same brain, and the same superpower, which is the ability to extend your arms to nearly infinite lengths by virtue of a genetic mutation?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you've measured the same dam distance three times and come up with a different anser each time using the same measuring tape, the same distance, the same brain, and the same superpower, which is the ability to extend your arms to nearly infinite lengths by virtue of a genetic mutation?

Call CNN! as I would have Proof that the Universe was still expanding!

What do you do if you prove that "The Universe is still expanding" only to find out that, at the exact time you are stating that, the Universe, itself, just shifted to "Contraction" as it reached its limiting gravitational boundary??

 

[The Grimmus]

I have to admit SHOE that was a perfect response,

and to anwser the question, just lie the public really dosent care becuase most of them are ignorant to science.

What if you were me? Would you beable to handle the secrets?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by The Grimmus What if you were me? Would you beable to handle the secrets?

No one can handle the secrets. That's why, secretly, everyone knows them. If only some knew, they couldn't handle it. As it is everyone can't handle it together, which is why you shouldn't discuss these things.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!What do you do if you are a hall monitor in a high school for very bright students? What, really, would there be to do?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are a hall monitor in a high school for very bright students? What, really, would there be to do?

Well, wear sunglasses, to start, then you could earn extra money doing the little things for them, you know solving the problems of the Universe, the Planet, World Hunger, World Peace, and letting them take all of the credit for it, after all, they are the bright[/color] ones!

What do you do if, you are really, reeeeeaaaallllly Bright[/color], and no one can look at you because of the GLARE?[/color]

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if, you are really, reeeeeaaaallllly Bright[/color], and no one can look at you because of the GLARE?[/color]

Public Service Announcement

Many around the world suffer the heartbreak of hyperluninesence. More are diagnosed each day, and the numbers are rising. There is no cure. Please send your donations to Mr. Robin Parsons, at The Parsons' Foundation. His one man think tank is our only hope in the fight against this terrible, socially crippling disease. What do you do if a slippery trout shoots right up through the floor in front of you from some quantum accident caused by a lab in Switzerland and lands flapping, wet, and breathless on the carpet, and an instant later you feel yourself sucked down through the floor, through a superstring, and emerge to the icy cold shock of the waters of a fast running stream in the Colorado Rockies?

 

[Andy]

Swim as fast as i can!

What do you do if you can't do what you do?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by Andy
What do you do if you can't do what you do?

Start doing what you could never do before...and have fun!

What do you do if yur entire life is mapped out for you, by another, and there is NOTHING that you can do about it?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if yur entire life is mapped out for you, by another, and there is NOTHING that you can do about it?

You ask:"Jeez, I wonder why no one has jumped to answer this upbeat quetion."What do you do if the mail order bride you recently ordered from Minnesota, stuns you by turning out to be an intelligent, remarkably attractive, sparky, talented, woman, too-good-to-be true, such that your impending marriage becomes an occasion of doom in your mind since you know it will be the start of many sleepless nights wondering when she will revert to her preying mantis form to eat her mate alive?

 

[phoenixthoth]

since that is the fate that has been mapped out for you, there is no need to lose sleep over it; just accept the time together you do have.

what do you do if you figure out how to change the map?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by phoenixthoth what do you do if you figure out how to change the map?

Don't do anything precipitous without careful consideration of the alternatives you might select. There are worse fates than being eaten alive by a giant female preying mantis. On the other hand if you find something better, go for it.What do you do if the mail order bride you recently acquired from Minnesota, who is unbelievably charming, alluring, expressive, sensitive and poetic, announces that there are a few things that must be worked out before the marriage and produces a list of points to be hammered out longer than this thread?

 

[phoenixthoth]

i would prey that the list of points isn't too objectionable. then i'd try to work it out. perhaps i'd change the map so that there aren't any objectionable points.

1. what do you do if you only think you can change the map but you can't?
or
2. what do you do if you can change the map only if you agree to the contract first?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by phoenixthoth1. what do you do if you only think you can change the map but you can't?
or
2. what do you do if you can change the map only if you agree to the contract first?

I'm not surprised no one has jumped into answer these two upbeat quetions.What do you do if the lovely, talented, vivacious mail order bride's motives for marrying you are impossible to penetrate because, along with her other talents she may well have the ability to counterfeit interest in you and it is a known fact that she can't stand the cold, but cannot emigrate to the warm climes of Zoobonia unless she is married to a Zooby?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if the lovely, talented, vivacious mail order bride's motives for marrying you are impossible to penetrate because, along with her other talents she may well have the ability to counterfeit interest in you and it is a known fact that she can't stand the cold, but cannot emigrate to the warm climes of Zoobonia unless she is married to a Zooby?

Congratulations[/color] ZOOB![/size] on your impending marriage! (is that up-beat enough for you?)

What do you do if you are invited to Zoob's marriage to the incredibly vivascious (and appetizing) "Ms. Zoob" and you don't have the directions to Zoobonia??

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if you are invited to Zoob's marriage to the incredibly vivascious (and appetizing) "Ms. Zoob" and you don't have the directions to Zoobonia??

As a matter of fact we were thinking of asking you if we could use your tented estate as the site of the reception party.

What do you do if the stunningly beautiful mail order bride happens to be suffering from the heartbreak of hyperluminescence, everyone has to shield their eyes from her brilliance, because one-man-think-tank, Mr. Robin Parsons, still hasn't discovered the cure, and no one gets to see how lovely she looks on her wedding day?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if the stunningly beautiful mail order bride happens to be suffering from the heartbreak of hyperluminescence, everyone has to shield their eyes from her brilliance, because one-man-think-tank, Mr. Robin Parsons, still hasn't discovered the cure, and no one gets to see how lovely she looks on her wedding day?

What do yo do if that don't 'woirk'?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do yo do if that don't 'woirk'?

Clearly, then, additional funding must be procured to hurry along the research and speed the cure. We'll solicit pennies from children, mites from widows, nickles from knickknack vendors.

What do you do if you're in a hurry to rush slowly?