What Do You Do If You Were a Rock Star?

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do yo do if you are caught "cleansing" the side of Jefferson's forehead?

It's funny you should ask that
because once, when I was crawling
on all fours toward the neaest
bathroom, which was quite far
away, as the Zoobie crawls, it
occured to me that never once in
my life have I been stopped on the
street by someone who had mistaken
me for Thomas Jefferson.

What do you do if you are crawling on all fours across a road near
Loch Ness and a carload of tour-
ists stops and starts yelling, "It's Nessie!, It's Nessie!"

 

[Sonty]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are crawling on all fours across a road near
Loch Ness and a carload of tour-
ists stops and starts yelling, "It's Nessie!, It's Nessie!"

You head towards the water screaming: "That's it. Can't a sea monster go cleansing Jefferson's forehead in peace? Honey, get the ship out. We're moving."

What do you do if you wake up one morning realising you're staring in an underwater version of "Married. With children" called "Married. With nessies"?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by Sonty
What do you do if you wake up one morning realising you're staring in an underwater version of "Married. With children" called "Married. With nessies"?

PRAY that there is a God, and that, that God, left an exit in the Loch, that goes out to the Sea...Freeeeeeeedom!

What do you do if you've been elected in the "Community Awards" polls as the most cantakerous/difficult/obnoxious/idiotic/cranially-vacant (but FUN) poster, in the entirety of the PF's, but find out later that you were the only person up for that award??

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you've been elected in the "Community Awards" polls as the most cantakerous/difficult/obnoxious/idiotic/cranially-vacant (but FUN) poster, in the entirety of the PF's, but find out later that you were the only person up for that award??

It's always best to seek a precident in classical literature for this kind of situation and in the above described case the works of Scabius Cankerus come to mind as the most likely place to seek solace :"May all ye who read this develop boils on your asses and may your children's parents live to see their grandfather's grandchildren have to sit in a bath of potash and brine for two and twenty days as I have done..."


What do you do if you're repelling
down the side of the statue of liberty and a little door in her breast suddenly opens revealing the intense face of a man who says "What do you think this is, Tuesday?"

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally asked by zoobyshoe (as if y'all didn't know)
What do you do if you're repelling down the side of the statue of liberty and a little door in her breast suddenly opens revealing the intense face of a man who says "What do you think this is, Tuesday?"

You respond to him, "WHAT the HECK DOES THAT MATTER?" and wait to see if the intense look on his face dissappears. If it doesn't, then just keep repeling down and ignore the (expletive deleted), if his expression does change, then thank him for the forewarning, and remember that, on Tuesdays, there is an extra charge (SurTAX) for repeling down on the Statue Of Liberty!

What do you do if you find out it is actually Tuesday, you need to pay the Surtax, and you haven't got the money, so they are going to put you in "Sing-Sing", for life!?

 

[Zargawee]

I can't Believe it that I'm posting in here Again ... It's been a long time , I hope you didn't forget me [:P]

What do you do if you find out it is actually Tuesday, you need to pay the Surtax, and you haven't got the money, so they are going to put you in "Sing-Sing", for life!?

well , Sing-Sing Is a good place , at least they serve food in there , don't they ?

What do you do if I told you that your life is just a joke , and you're dead now ?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally asked by Zargawee
What do you do if I told you that your life is just a joke , and you're dead now ?

Stop laughing, and go on with my life in a manner that precludes further jokes!

What do you do if you cannot go on with your life, everyone is still laughing, and the level of threats ("Bubba 'n the boys") against, you just went up n^th fold??

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally whispered through a handkerchief stretched over the mouthpiece of a payphone at the back of a seedy bar by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you cannot go on with your life, everyone is still laughing, and the level of threats ("Bubba 'n the boys") against, you just went up n^th fold??

Keep them busy by tipping their cows, pulling the glow plugs out of their tractors, and loosening the lug nuts on their pickup's tires.

What do you do if you're repelling down Le Tour Eiffel and you pass a native who pokes his companion and says, "Regard! Ce type a trois oreilles!"

 

[Zargawee]

What do you do if you're repelling down Le Tour Eiffel and you pass a native who pokes his companion and says, "Regard! Ce type a trois oreilles!"

I will say :"Damn , Why I wasn't paying attention in Frensh language class "

What do you do if there's no MTV anymore ?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Zargawee
What do you do if there's no MTV anymore ?

You crawl on all fours to the nearest library and say, "Please!
Teach me how to read!"What do you do if the breast implant of a woman sitting next to you on a flight to Rio De Janeiro begins to pulsate in resonance with the craft's engines while she is napping until it sqirms its way out of her low cut dress?

 

[Sonty]

You try to quiet down the other thing that's pulsating in your pants by closing your eyes and thinking at that big statue you're heading towards. If that doesn't do it a few trips to the bathroom should.

What do you do if some constipated fellow blocks the bathroom and you're told to go back to your seat?

 

[rdn98]

I would take a dump and hide it under my neighbors chair, telling the flight attendent he did it.

What would you do if you were skydiving and you realized your parachute and your backup parachute are both broken?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by rdn98
What would you do if you were skydiving and you realized your parachute and your backup parachute are both broken?

Look around, really fast, for the nearest Marshmellow farm, head for it, and a soft landing!

What do you do if you crawl out from underneath your sleeping rock, in the morning, and the light hitting your eyes is traveling at C², blinding you to the fact that your rock was dimensionaly transposed, while you slept, into a dimension the is not only perpendicular to the original, but also several fold, many times, more dimensional then you have ever experianced before?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you crawl out from underneath your sleeping rock, in the morning, and the light hitting your eyes is traveling at C², blinding you to the fact that your rock was dimensionaly transposed, while you slept, into a dimension the is not only perpendicular to the original, but also several fold, many times, more dimensional then you have ever experianced before?

This sensation happens to me all the time and is nearly always the illusory result of having landed in a stack of marshmallows after both chutes failed while skydiving. A warm bath, and a nice cup of hot chocolate (with marshmallows) will reorient you.What do you do if the breast implant of the woman next to you on a flight to Acapulco begins to vibrate enharmonically in response to some frequency being generated by the engines such that it begins to emit what sounds almost exactly like the bass line in measure 11 of Bach's Two-Part Invention # 14?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if the breast implant of the woman next to you on a flight to Acapulco begins to vibrate enharmonically in response to some frequency being generated by the engines such that it begins to emit what sounds almost exactly like the bass line in measure 11 of Bach's Two-Part Invention # 14?

First you need to place your ear right up to it to determine if the Baseline is in resonant hormony with your estimation of it, as opposed to some resonant harmonic that is engine driven. Once you have determined that it is, in fact, and in deed, the Breast that is generating the sound, take out your tuning fork and place the lower end of the fork against 'said' Breast as to determine if the harmonic is generating a secondary wavefront that will cause a complete discombobulation of the engines fuel input systems as to cause the crashing of the airplane, should the harmonic be allowed to continue. If it is generating the harmonic, then suckling at said Breat should dimish the harmonic as to ensure that all of the passengers are safe, if NOT then sit back, enjoy the ride, and the wonderful sounds of Bach!

What do you do if while enjoying the lovely harmony of breast generated Bach, you realize that you used the wrong tuning fork, the jet's fuel systems have just shut down, the plane is diving towards the Earth at greater then Mach speeds, and you only have a penknife with which to save the day?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if while enjoying the lovely harmony of breast generated Bach, you realize that you used the wrong tuning fork, the jet's fuel systems have just shut down, the plane is diving towards the Earth at greater then Mach speeds, and you only have a penknife with which to save the day?

Since, in McGyver terms, having a penknife amounts to having an entire machine shop, you simply reconfigure your tuning fork to the correct frequency to get the fuel system back online, instruct the woman to apply it to her breast while tapping it, and crawl forward to the cockpit to coach the pilots on how to grow peanuts in magnesium poor soil while you take the controls and perform whatever entertaining acrobatics come to mind.What do you do if, after landing safely, you discover that your quick thinking, expertise, and
heroism is neglected by the media in favor of an unwarranted focus on the silicon shenanigans that started it all?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally quiried by someone who has climbed the highest mountains, swum the deepest Seas, and still hasn't told us if they are male of female
What do you do if, after landing safely, you discover that your quick thinking, expertise, and
heroism is neglected by the media in favor of an unwarranted focus on the silicon shenanigans that started it all?

Quickly grab the nearest microphone, proclaim yourself as an expert in the resonant harmonics of silicone implants, then place the woman down on the ground and begin explaining exactly, detail for detail, how her improperly placed implants, Had they been done originally by you, would never have generated the harmonic to affect the airplanes avionics systems in the manner that they did.

What do you do if after explaining all of that to the medai people present, they decide to make you Hero of the year[/size], but you have completely lost it because you realize that you left your "Hero of the Year" suit, in your other bag??

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if after explaining all of that to the medai people present, they decide to make you Hero of the year[/size], but you have completely lost it because you realize that you left your "Hero of the Year" suit, in your other bag??

It is comforting at times like this to be mindfull of the classical precidents, in particular, the words of the Latin life-commentator,Scabius Cankerous who said: "There is, among the Romans, a certain type of man who, after having given way to great agitation over his servant's having forgotten his spare toga, will calm his spirit and attempt to wear his wine
spill as if it were a greatly humorous spill, as if by adopting the manner of the clown he can turn attention from his embarrassment and put all at ease by inviting their laughter instead of withering beneath it. I call this type of man shameless, and would that all his togas bear the stain of the supporating ass-boil that stains my togas."

What do you do if you are the custodian of a building with a public restroom and some person unknown to you keeps plugging up the toilet by depositing stools of a size such that they they would more probably be compared to sequoya logs than anything reasonably expected to be produced by a human?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are the custodian of a building with a public restroom and some person unknown to you keeps plugging up the toilet by depositing stools of a size such that they they would more probably be compared to sequoya logs than anything reasonably expected to be produced by a human?

AAAhhhhhhh, a problem I have readily tackled on several occasions as having lived in several domiciles wherein the larger of the occupants were quite capable of replications of the stump of the General Grant Giant Sequoia. Take a leasing contract at the local tool rental outlet, renting for yourself a JackHammer, a Portable Ice Drill, (with Augers, various sizes needed) and a large Air Compressor, capable of a minimium of seventy five CFM (75 Cubic Feet per Minute) with the associated footage of Hosing and nozzles.
Given the Equipment listed above, the rest of the Job is a self evident reality of sequential use, with the adjuncted reminder of wearing all of the saftey and Bio-Hazard gear that you can possibly find, (and the oxygen tanks too) and the prewarning to ensure that the contractor that you hired with the dump truck be quite prepared to have an adequate sized truck arrive as these people sometimes underestimate the actual, and real, need of space. (good for you in contracting for the price, really really bad if they don't haul it all away for YA)

What do you do if when your contractor shows up to haul away all of the fecal mess that you just excavated, and the dump truck they bring, is only a 'six wheeler', and you have enough to fill several semi dump trailers?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons, Emperor of Toilets, and Master of Problematic Plumbing What do you do if when your contractor shows up to haul away all of the fecal mess that you just excavated, and the dump truck they bring, is only a 'six wheeler', and you have enough to fill several semi dump trailers? [/B]

Just evacuate the area and call into headquarters for round the clock napalm treatment. What do you do if, while cleaning the toilet, the lid on the water tank slides back and what appears to be a very small Native American pokes his head up and says: "Hey! What did I tell you about vasectomies!?"

 

[zoobyshoe]

Strangely, I just noticed this:"...and still hasn't told us if they are male of female"
Yes, I am male of female, for even among zoobies there is nowhere else for males to come from other than females.

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted/asked by the Male of Females that is known as zoobyshoe
What do you do if, while cleaning the toilet, the lid on the water tank slides back and what appears to be a very small Native American pokes his head up and says: "Hey! What did I tell you about vasectomies!?"

Ooooooooops! Obviously not enough!

What do you do if, a short native tells you about vasectomies, and not enough, such that, when you finish the job you started, you figure out, "Oooops tooooo much!"?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally pondered during some kind of incapacitating brain fog by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if, a short native tells you about vasectomies, and not enough, such that, when you finish the job you started, you figure out, "Oooops tooooo much!"?

Unbolt the toilet from the floor, pack it in a crate and send it to the U.S. Bureau Of Diminutive Native Management.What do you do if, while you're innocently playing with squirting water into your ears and sending a voltage through your head from electrodes hooked to a common automotive battery you suddenly realize that if Arnold Schwarzenegger is elected governor of California there will be no more Terminator movies?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally quired by a slightly electric zoobyshoe
What do you do if, while you're innocently playing with squirting water into your ears and sending a voltage through your head from electrodes hooked to a common automotive battery you suddenly realize that if Arnold Schwarzenegger is elected governor of California there will be no more Terminator movies?

Cheer? Um, No ,um, I mean, wait! I didn't go yet, seeing as there is not enough voltage in a car battery to do anything to you (amperage Yes, but you cannot access it) the idea of sticking electrodes into your ear while wet sounds appetizing, especially if it can cause the arousal of such thoughts, so it would be recomended that you make certain that both of your feet are in something like a bathtub, while performing this feat of stupidity, just to ensure that you become aware of the differences 'tween "voltage" and "amperage", but make certain that you do NOT tip the battery over as that will result in a very serious acid burn, perhaps resulting in you asking a really really dumb question, like this...

What do you do if while attempting to cause the arousal of the thoughts of Arnie no longer performing in "Terminator" movies, (he really was good in those wasn't he!) you slip, with the electrodes attached to your gonads, and fall into a bathtub of Battery Acid, losing your 'sucker' on the floor underneath the Tub?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
...the idea of sticking electrodes into your ear while wet sounds appetizing...

I feel it will be of interest to interpolate some real history here since my quetion was born of reading the following:

"Volta went on to seek electrical phenomena in other parts of the body, including the ear. In 1800 he attempted to stimulate the sensation of hearing electrically by connecting a battery to two metal rods, placing the rods in his ears and closing the switch. Not surprisingly, Volta received what he described as a `jolt in the head,' and a few moments later he heard `a noise like the boiling of thick soup.' The sensation was too disagreeable to bear many repetitions and Volta did not pursue this investigation."

Dumb. Next we meet Dumber and Dumberer:

"Later Ernst Weber, the German scientist who pioneered the study of physical sensations, tried to continue Volta's experiments, using his brother, Wilhelm as a guinea pig. Weber filled Wilhelm's ears with water and then inserted a pair of electrodes . When a current was passed through, young Wilhelm reported a light `that seemed to go right over my head,' but he heard no sound."

-Sound And Hearing
Life Science Library/Time Life Books, 1967

Sometimes truth is stupider than a stupid quetion.

What do you do if while attempting to cause the arousal of the thoughts of Arnie no longer performing in "Terminator" movies, (he really was good in those wasn't he!) you slip, with the electrodes attached to your gonads, and fall into a bathtub of Battery Acid, losing your 'sucker' on the floor underneath the Tub?

It's funny you should ask that question because recently, while crawling on all fours to answer the doorbell, I spilled the beaker of H₂SO₄ I was carrying and some really interesting fumes began to drift up from the carpet. The same thought occurred to me that would occur to anyone under these circumtances, which is that it might be interesting to call my versatile brother, Wilhelm and use him to soak up the spill. But since he is in a padded cell somewhere repeating the phrase "like a light going right over my head!' over and over, I proceeded toward the door intending to achieve the same goal using whoever might be out there ringing the bell.

What do you do if, in the above situation, the person at the door turns out to have no spongiform properties whatsoever?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by an educating/educational zoobyshoe (with child)
It's funny you should ask that question because recently, while crawling on all fours to answer the doorbell, I spilled the beaker of H2SO4 I was carrying and some really interesting fumes began to drift up from the carpet. The same thought occurred to me that would occur to anyone under these circumtances, which is that it might be interesting to call my versatile brother, Wilhelm and use him to soak up the spill. But since he is in a padded cell somewhere repeating the phrase "like a light going right over my head!' over and over, I proceeded toward the door intending to achieve the same goal using whoever might be out there ringing the bell.

What do you do if, in the above situation, the person at the door turns out to have no spongiform properties whatsoever?

Use them as a central rod inside the carpeting as you roll it up into a tube, Then take the tube of carpeting outside, and attempt to sell it to the very next passerby, as a very large, (smuggled) Cuban cigar, pre-lit! (hence the smoke)

What do you do if you find yourself writting out longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer questions, but making even more sense, then ever before?

 

[phoenixthoth]

What do you do if you find yourself writting out longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer questions, but making even more sense, then ever before? [/B]

write longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and 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longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and longer questions to make even more sense.

 

[zoobyshoe]

And yet, Phoenix, you forgot something.

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
And yet, Phoenix, you forgot something.

Ditto zoobyshoe...

What do you do if you accuse someone of doing somehting, then find that you have done exactly the same thing?

 

[Zargawee]

What do you do if you accuse someone of doing somehting, then find that you have done exactly the same thing?

Feel Ashamed about that ...

What do you do if poeple changed Maths to make the result of (3 + 3) to equal 9 ?