Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you're buying
a bag of pistachios and you are
shocked to see your own face
plastered on the cover of all
the tabloids around the register?
Buy a copy of the "rag" trade paper, as well, to have a photo of myself, that is to be used in the pending lawsuit for the invasion of privacy that has clearly occured...all the while, eating the pistachios...naturally!Originally posted by Astrophysics
Eat the pistachios and if they were good I'd go to a store and buy some more.
Originally posted by Astrophysics
Delete the message...
What do you do if your message wasn't finished and you accidently post it and then post the complete one, while someone is reacting on you first post and your question remains unanwsered...and you can't delete your first message...?
Put yourself in an envelope andOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you "Ask a stupid quention..." in the "What do you do if..." forum??
It's funny you should ask becauseOriginally posted by Astrophysics What do you do if you found out that you're a clone and that the original person is really annoying and is nothing like you and people think that you're the original one?
You just suck that depressingOriginally posted by Astrophysics
What do you do if no one anwsered your question which you asked twice and you're getting confused because everything you thought was true is actually
wrong...?
What I usually do in this case isOriginally posted by Astrophysics
What do you do if your message wasn't finished and you accidently post it and then post the complete one, while someone is reacting on you first post and your question remains unanwsered...and you can't delete your first message...?
With your left hand hold down theOriginally posted by Astrophysics
What do you do if your message wasn't finished and you accidently post it and then post the complete one, while someone is reacting on you first post and your question remains unanwsered...and you can't delete your first message...?
You Answer your own question...Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are crawling on all fours to your favorite gutter for a nap and you suddenly notice there is a large Wildebeast laying in your spot?
Wake up and smell the sound ofOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you cannot answer your own question??
Call all of your friends over for the Bar'B'Q!Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if a lazy UPS driver delivers a sperm whale carcass to your home when you're out and forges your signature to the delivery invoice to avoid having to pick it up again and deliver it to the proper, but more remote, adress?
It's funny you should ask, becauseOriginally posted by FZ+
What do you do if you find you can walk on water?
Ascribe within!Originally asked by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you're in the lobby of the airport and are approached by a trio of intense bald men wearing sheets or blankets or something, who begin to tell you about the personal and professional salvation available in this and all perpendicular dimensions through the teachings of guru Dob Bod, The Palindrome Boy and Manager of the shipping department at Sears?
With practice persons can learnOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you learn how to Ascribe Within, only to find out that the "palidromer" (Dob Bod) is realistically a reversal of the mirror image of the duplicates, replication of, it's own image, and you see a cat (Feline) jumping over the Moon, in the background? Tell me, Just what do you do?
Quick, first call a mentor, (Use the "" System!) and ask them if, in this universe, deleting your posts actually arises in creating entirely new works, with your name on them, that you never ever bothered to type!Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you log onto PhysicsForums one morning and suddenly realize you have entered a perpendicular universe where things are classified and arranged very differently from the way they are in your universe, but the same usernames seem to be representational of the same personalities as they are in your universe?
Depose the deposter and depositOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if, every time you 'post' a 'post', it is 'deposted' by a 'deposter'(er)??
You take a transverse viewpoint in opposition to the tangential reflection of the inverted trans^cis^dis spatialzation of the morphic, to see if it really was your painting(s) that were displayed, (given the temporallities of perpendicular universes, they may have already morphed) rather then simply an isomorphic interpretation of the events histologically historic result...or look under the rug, one or the other.Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if, when you're crawling on all fours toward the
Gugenheim Museum for the opening of their new exhibit of your paintings, it suddenly occurs to you that you're not sure that
event has been copied over from the last perpendicular universe
you were in where it had originally been arranged?
I can only speculate. Chimpanzees and the works of Shakespeare? ReadOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if zoobyshoe writes out one of those "Amazing but True" stories, and you suddenly realize that "The Zoob" is actually plagerising your life in "fractured" fiction??
Stand up! take a measure of your current position, multiply the X axis vector by 42, the y vector by half of that, and then follow the Z axis along the lines projected from the previous measures, (Stop and enjoy a 'Nice Beverage' while doing this, it is refreshing) as long as you have summed all of the vectors properly, you will arrive at the place you departed, within several parsecs of time, and be met by the "greeting" party (careful!) as they endevour to assure you that you have followed the right pathway, to the Stars! (Say "Hi!" to "The Zoob" for me when you get there, will ya?)Originally asked by Zoobyshoe
What do you do if you're crawling on all fours back toward the
portal into the perpendicular dimension from which you came and
you can't remember upon which axis to rotate to enter the portal?
Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
Unlikely. You might, however,What do you do if while exiting the dimensional portal, you fnd that your math was off, and you, instead of meeting "The Zoob" meet "The Booz"??
encounter "booZ ehT", although
even that is subject to further,
Vanna White-like flipping.
What do you do if the unlikely
happens, you meet "The Booz",
you remember that part of the
directions provided by a friendly
passerby were to have a drink, you
drink "The Booz", then remember
that You are "The Zoob"
and have just quaffed your own
perpendicular alter ego?
Quick Run to the bathroom and have a great big **** and hope like Mad that your perpendicular ego survives the passage. If they do, congrats to them and the two of you should have a nice time, if not, Ooooops youse in BIG trouble NOW!Originally Asked by zoobyshoe
What do you do if the unlikely happens, you meet "The Booz", you remember that part of the directions provided by a friendly passerby were to have a drink, you drink "The Booz", then remember that You are "The Zoob" and have just quaffed your own perpendicular alter ego?
If "if" happens, (again, notOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you don't know what to do, if??
Take a test, spin yourself, interdimensionally, to see if the perpendicular dimension is still obvious to you, if yes, then you are inert, if no, well, have fun! (Cause you is LOST!)Originally asked by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you can't tell if you have momentum or are inert
It's funny you should ask thatOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you is lost??
Definately Exfoliate, then Moisturize, then while flying your 747 over the Bermuda triangle, look down, see if you can find my boat, cause I lost it, with all hands, (cept me, naturally...SHHHH!) while I was exploring for that lost wreck's treasure that we fouXXXooops I mean that we were trying to find, that contained all of the silver dollars and gold coins, and that really really nice broach, the *Diamond* one, looks F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S baby, and return it all to me at PO Box # 12345678910 Station XQZ, via interdimensional portal, as I am vacationing in the perpendicular dimension at present...THANKS!Originally asked by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you're crawling on all fours toward the 747 you
are scheduled to pilot over the Bermuda Triangle, just about unable to contain your enthusiasm over the prospects of the non-stop flow of Martinis you evision to be in your immediate future, when all of a sudden you realize you have been mispronouncing the word "foliage" for years?
Given the fact the person whoOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if your mail doesn't seem to be making it through to you?
Haul out your erasor and erase the graffiti, first, then, prove that how far away you are, from any given toilet, is irrelevant. (cleanses the rock I hear)Originally asked by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you're repelling off the side of Mt. Rushmore and
you notice that some vandal has chipped the words "Do you realize
how far you are from the nearest toilet?" into the side of Jeffer-
son's forehead?
It's funny you should ask thatOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do yo do if you are caught "cleansing" the side of Jefferson's forehead?
Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are crawling on all fours across a road near
Loch Ness and a carload of tour-
ists stops and starts yelling, "It's Nessie!, It's Nessie!"
PRAY that there is a God, and that, that God, left an exit in the Loch, that goes out to the Sea...Freeeeeeeedom!Originally posted by Sonty
What do you do if you wake up one morning realising you're staring in an underwater version of "Married. With children" called "Married. With nessies"?
It's always best to seek a precident in classical literature for this kind of situation and in the above described case the works of Scabius Cankerus come to mind as the most likely place to seek solace :"May all ye who read this develop boils on your asses and may your children's parents live to see their grandfather's grandchildren have to sit in a bath of potash and brine for two and twenty days as I have done..."Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you've been elected in the "Community Awards" polls as the most cantakerous/difficult/obnoxious/idiotic/cranially-vacant (but FUN) poster, in the entirety of the PF's, but find out later that you were the only person up for that award??
You respond to him, "WHAT the HECK DOES THAT MATTER?" and wait to see if the intense look on his face dissappears. If it doesn't, then just keep repeling down and ignore the (expletive deleted), if his expression does change, then thank him for the forewarning, and remember that, on Tuesdays, there is an extra charge (SurTAX) for repeling down on the Statue Of Liberty!Originally asked by zoobyshoe (as if y'all didn't know)
What do you do if you're repelling down the side of the statue of liberty and a little door in her breast suddenly opens revealing the intense face of a man who says "What do you think this is, Tuesday?"
What do you do if you find out it is actually Tuesday, you need to pay the Surtax, and you haven't got the money, so they are going to put you in "Sing-Sing", for life!?
Stop laughing, and go on with my life in a manner that precludes further jokes!Originally asked by Zargawee
What do you do if I told you that your life is just a joke , and you're dead now ?
Keep them busy by tipping their cows, pulling the glow plugs out of their tractors, and loosening the lug nuts on their pickup's tires.Originally whispered through a handkerchief stretched over the mouthpiece of a payphone at the back of a seedy bar by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you cannot go on with your life, everyone is still laughing, and the level of threats ("Bubba 'n the boys") against, you just went up nth fold??
What do you do if you're repelling down Le Tour Eiffel and you pass a native who pokes his companion and says, "Regard! Ce type a trois oreilles!"
You crawl on all fours to the nearest library and say, "Please!Originally posted by Zargawee
What do you do if there's no MTV anymore ?
Look around, really fast, for the nearest Marshmellow farm, head for it, and a soft landing!Originally posted by rdn98
What would you do if you were skydiving and you realized your parachute and your backup parachute are both broken?
This sensation happens to me all the time and is nearly always the illusory result of having landed in a stack of marshmallows after both chutes failed while skydiving. A warm bath, and a nice cup of hot chocolate (with marshmallows) will reorient you.What do you do if the breast implant of the woman next to you on a flight to Acapulco begins to vibrate enharmonically in response to some frequency being generated by the engines such that it begins to emit what sounds almost exactly like the bass line in measure 11 of Bach's Two-Part Invention # 14?Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you crawl out from underneath your sleeping rock, in the morning, and the light hitting your eyes is traveling at C2, blinding you to the fact that your rock was dimensionaly transposed, while you slept, into a dimension the is not only perpendicular to the original, but also several fold, many times, more dimensional then you have ever experianced before?
First you need to place your ear right up to it to determine if the Baseline is in resonant hormony with your estimation of it, as opposed to some resonant harmonic that is engine driven. Once you have determined that it is, in fact, and in deed, the Breast that is generating the sound, take out your tuning fork and place the lower end of the fork against 'said' Breast as to determine if the harmonic is generating a secondary wavefront that will cause a complete discombobulation of the engines fuel input systems as to cause the crashing of the airplane, should the harmonic be allowed to continue. If it is generating the harmonic, then suckling at said Breat should dimish the harmonic as to ensure that all of the passengers are safe, if NOT then sit back, enjoy the ride, and the wonderful sounds of Bach!Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if the breast implant of the woman next to you on a flight to Acapulco begins to vibrate enharmonically in response to some frequency being generated by the engines such that it begins to emit what sounds almost exactly like the bass line in measure 11 of Bach's Two-Part Invention # 14?
Since, in McGyver terms, having a penknife amounts to having an entire machine shop, you simply reconfigure your tuning fork to the correct frequency to get the fuel system back online, instruct the woman to apply it to her breast while tapping it, and crawl forward to the cockpit to coach the pilots on how to grow peanuts in magnesium poor soil while you take the controls and perform whatever entertaining acrobatics come to mind.What do you do if, after landing safely, you discover that your quick thinking, expertise, andOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if while enjoying the lovely harmony of breast generated Bach, you realize that you used the wrong tuning fork, the jet's fuel systems have just shut down, the plane is diving towards the Earth at greater then Mach speeds, and you only have a penknife with which to save the day?
Quickly grab the nearest microphone, proclaim yourself as an expert in the resonant harmonics of silicone implants, then place the woman down on the ground and begin explaining exactly, detail for detail, how her improperly placed implants, Had they been done originally by you, would never have generated the harmonic to affect the airplanes avionics systems in the manner that they did.Originally quiried by someone who has climbed the highest mountains, swum the deepest Seas, and still hasn't told us if they are male of female
What do you do if, after landing safely, you discover that your quick thinking, expertise, and
heroism is neglected by the media in favor of an unwarranted focus on the silicon shenanigans that started it all?
It is comforting at times like this to be mindfull of the classical precidents, in particular, the words of the Latin life-commentator,Scabius Cankerous who said: "There is, among the Romans, a certain type of man who, after having given way to great agitation over his servant's having forgotten his spare toga, will calm his spirit and attempt to wear his wineOriginally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if after explaining all of that to the medai people present, they decide to make you Hero of the year[/size], but you have completely lost it because you realize that you left your "Hero of the Year" suit, in your other bag??
AAAhhhhhhh, a problem I have readily tackled on several occasions as having lived in several domiciles wherein the larger of the occupants were quite capable of replications of the stump of the General Grant Giant Sequoia. Take a leasing contract at the local tool rental outlet, renting for yourself a JackHammer, a Portable Ice Drill, (with Augers, various sizes needed) and a large Air Compressor, capable of a minimium of seventy five CFM (75 Cubic Feet per Minute) with the associated footage of Hosing and nozzles.Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are the custodian of a building with a public restroom and some person unknown to you keeps plugging up the toilet by depositing stools of a size such that they they would more probably be compared to sequoya logs than anything reasonably expected to be produced by a human?
Just evacuate the area and call into headquarters for round the clock napalm treatment. What do you do if, while cleaning the toilet, the lid on the water tank slides back and what appears to be a very small Native American pokes his head up and says: "Hey! What did I tell you about vasectomies!?"Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons, Emperor of Toilets, and Master of Problematic Plumbing What do you do if when your contractor shows up to haul away all of the fecal mess that you just excavated, and the dump truck they bring, is only a 'six wheeler', and you have enough to fill several semi dump trailers? [/B]
