Why get married? Why have children?

[GCT]

I have not been married by age 50 because, among other things, I am afraid of divorce, eventual incompatibility or the randomness of choosing one from a billion nubile women ("the grass is greener"). I know all too well what falling in love feels like - one of the most intense passions (temptations?) I have had the pleasure to experience - but that alone cannot make a lifetime bond. I love more my closeness with a girlfriend of seven years, but not enough to risk my future and savings with marriage. I am sorry if she thinks I am leading her on.

If I appear miserly, let me explain with the example of children. Because of a serious inheritable illness, I would not want to pass onto them my genes - likewise, adopt kids. Similarly, my emotions would erode under the stress of 24/7 kids, although I love children in general. My savings and small salary are enough to live comfortably into old age and a decent nursing home (I currently prepare by volunteering at one), but not to support a family. Also, there are way too many dangers in this world for me to justify bringing kids into it.

Please relate your experiences with these major life decisions.

Your concerns are valid ... in short a lot of people get married because they are overwhelmed by emotion - at least in the US - they sense that they are going to be able to handle whatever comes at them . It is a way for them to move forward with life - no real cost or profit analysis involved.

 

[Santa1]

Even worse, my youngest doesn't even think baby animals are cute. Who doesn't think baby animals are cute??

You did the brainwashing part of parenthood wrong, you must retry asap!

 

[Kein]

I love this thread's title as it reminds me as always that I need to understand a reason for marriage; how we work things out then, how about the money, rearing and raising chidlren, how surroundings get changed, how people around think about my marriage etc. it is my whole life altering decision. As I were young, I wanted and enjoyed how having sex was, not once, but many a time, and I was having a kid now... I hope this thread always stays around no matter how long it is, as long as I can still see the title, I must remember I love somebody with a good plan for my future. Good for me and certainly easy for people around too!

Tomorrow I will be back on this thread...

 

[rootX]

You did the brainwashing part of parenthood wrong, you must retry asap!

What's the right way?

 

[Topher925]

I really want to marry a nurse or a doctor. That way I will have someone to nurse me back to health after my experiments backfire.

 

[Moonbear]

I have no problem with an unconventional relationship. I don't think there's a big difference between being married or just being in a long-term relationship minus the marriage contract, especially if you're not having children together. There are some tax and legal considerations in such an arrangement, but that's something aside from the relationship itself.

As for me, having my own kids has never been a priority. It's a lot of work, and I don't feel any overwhelming desire to go through pregnancy. I'm content to fuss over my students instead.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

As a foreword, I am quite young. I know that people often change their minds, but somehow I feel that I am absolutely resolute in my decision to never get married or have children.

This stems out of what Friedrich Nietzsche would refer to as my "will to power". I may be selfish, but I have every right to live out my life the way that I want to. Thus, I have decided that marriage and fatherhood would provide large barriers to my own pursuits. My lifestyle of choice does not include having a wife and children. If it did, I would be a poor husband and an even worse father.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

If it did, I would be a poor husband and an even worse father.

Though I generally don't like to discuss it I've found that a major motivation for my not wanting to have children has come from my feeling that I would be a poor father both biologically and psychologically.

 

[Moonbear]

I wouldn't rule out marriage based on lifestyle, necessarily. You might find someone who would share your desires with regard to lifestyle and could enjoy your pursuits together with you. Some lifestyle choices might be incompatible with having children, though, but you never know.

I kind of think about it as one of those things that you shouldn't feel pressured into doing just because everyone else does it, but you also shouldn't close your mind to the idea should someone enter your life that changes your perspective and makes it feel like the right thing to do.

On the other hand, there are freedoms to not being married that I have that my married friends are jealous about. For example, these plans to go to Mozambique this summer...if I had a spouse and kids to worry about, that might be a lot harder to plan to just hare off across the world than it is now when the only thing I'll need to worry about while I'm gone is finding a suitable cat sitter.

 

[~christina~]

It's a joke between us. But I seriously do not want grandchildren. I don't know if it's my doing, but they don't like children either. They wouldn't even play with the dolls I bought them when they were little. Even worse, my youngest doesn't even think baby animals are cute. Who doesn't think baby animals are cute?? Although she thinks the new Kia hamster car commercial is adorable, I guess there is some hope for her.

I liked barbie dolls when I was small. I would dress them up, but when it came to the lifelike baby doll that I was given once, I tossed it onto the side. I had no interest in taking care of something that looked like a human child.

I only like animals, minus monkeys.

 

[Loren Booda]

I had no interest in taking care of something that looked like a human child.

I only like animals, minus monkeys.

Naked apes?

 

[superwolf]

I am absolutely resolute in my decision to never get married or have children (...) I may be selfish, but I have every right to live out my life the way that I want to.

Why is it more selfish not to have children than to have? I can't think of a more selfish thing to do than having children.

 

[Raizy]

Though I generally don't like to discuss it I've found that a major motivation for my not wanting to have children has come from my feeling that I would be a poor father both biologically and psychologically.

Same here, I have this sort of delusion (but it's true...scientifically speaking) that my entire family tree should not continue as it is negatively impacting the human genome's evolution. It's why the career as a neuroscientist is up the alley as a choice.

Besides I don't even need to do anything to prevent this, nature just seems to work automatically in one huge package. If I don't know how to bond with people, then all else is taken cared of. Even if I get a nice career going on to add on to the feeling of "not being completely worthless", my mind will slowly abandon me.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I only like animals, minus monkeys.

:'-(

 

[JasonRox]

I wouldn't rule out marriage based on lifestyle, necessarily. You might find someone who would share your desires with regard to lifestyle and could enjoy your pursuits together with you. Some lifestyle choices might be incompatible with having children, though, but you never know.

I kind of think about it as one of those things that you shouldn't feel pressured into doing just because everyone else does it, but you also shouldn't close your mind to the idea should someone enter your life that changes your perspective and makes it feel like the right thing to do.

On the other hand, there are freedoms to not being married that I have that my married friends are jealous about. For example, these plans to go to Mozambique this summer...if I had a spouse and kids to worry about, that might be a lot harder to plan to just hare off across the world than it is now when the only thing I'll need to worry about while I'm gone is finding a suitable cat sitter.

Definitely. My first goal before even thinking of a child or marriage (if I thought I wanted to), I would look for a lady I find would be a good mother, on top of being a great partner. If I found a girl to be useless as a mother, I would dump her based on that. But that's rare cause if you're a good partner for me, usually that implies possible good mother. The mother would have to be open minded.

The current girl I've been seeing is very open minded. Luckily.

 

[Dadface]

There is a strong anti marriage feeling in this thread but things can
change when you least expect them to:

Some enchanted evening.
You may meet a stranger.
You may meet a stranger.
Across a crowded room.

If anyone is not prepared for marriage quite yet avoid crowded rooms on enchanted evenings.But there are other hazards.I met the Mrs when she was walking down the street singing Doo Wah Diddy Diddy Dum Diddy Doo.