Your wish is granted: You now know all the answers, but nobody believes you.

  • Thread starter Thread starter twisting_edge
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AI Thread Summary
The discussion revolves around a playful and humorous game where participants grant wishes in a twisted manner, leading to ironic and often disastrous outcomes. Each wish is followed by a response that grants it in the worst possible way, highlighting the absurdity of the requests. For example, wishing for less spam results in the deletion of an email server, and wishing for a job leads to becoming a suicide bomber. The game showcases creativity and wit, with participants crafting increasingly elaborate and ridiculous scenarios. The tone remains light-hearted, emphasizing the humorous consequences of seemingly innocent wishes. Overall, the thread serves as a comedic exploration of the classic "be careful what you wish for" trope.
  • #51
twisting_edge said:
I wish I were as good at coming up with wishes as I am at the snappy answers.]
Your wish is granted. Now you can't come up with snappy answers OR wishes.

I wish I had turkey sandwich.
 
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  • #52
Evo said:
Your wish is granted. Now you can't come up with snappy answers OR wishes.

I wish I had turkey sandwich.
Your wish is granted. You have dry breast meat on white bread with no mayo seasonings, or anything else. Unfortunately, that is the only food you get from now on.

I wish it was tomorrow already, so I can eat the from-scratch pumpkin pie that's in the oven.
 
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  • #53
turbo-1 said:
I wish it was tomorrow already, so I can eat the from-scratch pumpkin pie that's in the oven.

Granted, unfortunately, the pumpkin pie is STILL in the oven and burnt to little more than ashes by morning, but you get to enjoy licking up the dust.

I wish I had woken up a few hours earlier today to have gotten a few more chores done by now.
 
  • #54
Your wish is granted! From now on, every day you wake up - it will be November 22nd, 2006. After several repeating days, you will either figure out an efficient way to perform these chores in less time, thereby creating additional open time - or - you will decide the chores are unnecessary, and then you will have lots of available time.

I wish I didn't have to learn and remember tasks in my office.
 
  • #55
McGyver said:
I wish I didn't have to learn and remember tasks in my office.

You forget all your tasks because you think they aren't necessary. Then you get fired by your boss who says you can't remember a thing. You fall into despair and life the rest of your life regretting that statement.

I wish I had a very powerful computer.
 
  • #56
Neohaven said:
I wish I had a very powerful computer.
Did you ever hit the jackpot this time! You not only have a very powerful computer, it runs a new, improved, Very Powerful Operating System, guaranteed to crash every five minutes since no one else has run it often enough to find the millions of bugs in the code.

I wish Evo would quit watching Oprah.
 
  • #57
twisting_edge said:
I wish Evo would quit watching Oprah.

:smile: Granted! She instead watches Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil faithfully and psychoanalyzes your every move. She's diagnosed you with half of the disorders in the DSM IV, all based upon your reluctance to buy her a Teddy Ruxpin.

I wish for a good night's sleep tonight.
 
  • #58
Moonbear said:
I wish for a good night's sleep tonight.
Your wish is granted, except you sleep so soundly that you don't hear the group of homeless people that break into your house and decide to eat your Thanksgiving leftovers around the campfire they've built in the middle of your living room.

I wish Twisting_Edge owned a TV (we could watch Oprah together in our matching housecoats and fuzzy slippers).

http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/3470/honesty5b15ddm3.jpg
 
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  • #59
Evo said:
I wish Twisting_Edge owned a TV (we could watch Oprah together in our matching housecoats and fuzzy slippers).
Your wish is granted. I now own a $6,000 wide-screen HDTV. Being the parsimonious little creep I am, I immediately turn around and sell it, socking the money away where no auditor will ever find it.

I wish I owned my own business again.
 
  • #60
Granted. Your new business does the accounting for numerous types of medical practitioners, including Evo's psychotherapist practice.

I wish all women were irrestibly attracted to me and my every whim!
 
  • #61
McGyver said:
I wish all women were irrestibly attracted to me and my every whim!
Granted. The surge of women coming to your door has caused a MAJOR shortage of nurses, secretaries, acountants, weather anchors, cafeteria workers, bakers at grocery stores, florists, flight attendants, waitresses, you name it! Oh, and you were killed instantly by the huge mass of women flying into you. On top of that, all the husbands became angry and now there is a nationwide riot against ME for granting your wish.

I wish that this Cola was colder...
 
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  • #62
moose said:
I wish that this Cola was colder...
Granted. It's now -125 C, and you just got instant frostbite on your hands, lips, tongue and most of your internal organs from picking it up and taking a sip.

I wish the malls wouldn't be so crowded today so I could get a little shopping done on my day off (I hate crowds).
 
  • #63
Moonbear said:
I wish the malls wouldn't be so crowded today so I could get a little shopping done on my day off (I hate crowds).
Your wish is granted. You arrive at the mall to find it empty with large crowds milling around outside. There's been specific intelligence that terrorists plan to blow up the mall, and it has been evacuated. The police forgot to cordon off the door you entered through until after you were inside. During their sweep of the now-sealed mall, they pick you up as a person of interest. Coupled with your recent grant from Abu Dhabi...

I wish my camera were better able to capture the subtleties of light.
 
  • #64
twisting_edge said:
I wish my camera were better able to capture the subtleties of light.
Your wish is granted. Unfortunately, the very large S/N ratio makes your images very harsh and unrealistic, and they are impossible to repair even with extensive Photoshopping. I have flattened the color response as well to mimic the performance of a spectroscope instead of mimicing the color sensitivities of the human eye. Your photographs are technical wonders and everybody thinks they are ugly.

I wish I had a digital equivalent of my trusty old Bronica ETRS with its wonderful Zenzanon lenses.
 
  • #65
You have one, but the card type is so weird you can't find a reader to print out or see the pictures.

I wish I didn't like those threads as much as I do...
 
  • #66
Your wish is granted: now you're obsessed with mind-numbingly idiotic threads by toothpick lovers.

I wish I would do my homework instead of procrastinating.
 
  • #67
mbrmbrg said:
I wish I would do my homework instead of procrastinating.

Your wish is granted but never finish your homework.

I wish that my cat would stop shedding.
 
  • #68
~christina~ said:
I wish that my cat would stop shedding.

Your wish is granted, your cat drops dead, no more shedding.

I wish someone would prepare and serve me dinner tonight so I don't have to do it myself.
 
  • #69
Your wish is granted - you are confined to bed in a nursing home. The aide will wipe the drool from your chin after feeding you.

I wish the weather would turn nice so my garden would take off.
 
  • #70
turbo-1 said:
I wish the weather would turn nice so my garden would take off.

Your wish is granted. As the weather changes from bad to nice, a thunderstorm with tornadoes runs through and your garden takes off with the tornado.

I wish I had some of turbo's salsa to go with tortilla chips to snack on while waiting for dinner. (Can you tell I'm hungry?)
 
  • #71
Moonbear said:
I wish I had some of turbo's salsa to go with tortilla chips to snack on while waiting for dinner. (Can you tell I'm hungry?)
Your wish is granted - habanero relish. Unfortunately, the Department of Homeland Security arrests you for accepting shipments of dangerous biological materials without proper Haz-Mat permits and you are locked up with no access to legal assistance while federal district attorneys make a terrorism case against you.

I wish I could get large blocks of observing time on big 'scopes to fill in missing spectroscopy on M51-type galaxy associations.
 
  • #72
turbo-1 said:
I wish I could get large blocks of observing time on big 'scopes to fill in missing spectroscopy on M51-type galaxy associations.

Well assuming your talking about a telescope:
You get the time to use a big telescope, but it breaks while you are using it and you are required to pay for the repairs.

I wish that it would stop raining all of the time.
 
  • #73
~christina~ said:
I wish that it would stop raining all of the time.

Wish granted. It never rained after, some aliens came and took all our water with them. Without any water and rain, you died

I wish I could rule over those aliens :devil:

edit: actually, those are Mars inhabitants. We brought them to our planet and they really liked water.
 
  • #74
rootX said:
I wish I could rule over those aliens :devil:

Granted.. You are now the ruler of a race of intergalactic sponges.


I wish I didn't have such a boring job.
 
  • #75
TheStatutoryApe said:
I wish I didn't have such a boring job.

Your wish is granted. Your new job is suicide bomber.

I wish I had every book ever published.
 
  • #76
Phlogistonian said:
I wish I had every book ever published.

Wish Granted.. we've republished them for you in esperanto.



I wish the moon were made of cheese.
 
  • #77
TheStatutoryApe said:
I wish the moon were made of cheese.

Your wish is granted but the cheese is rotten.

I wish that I was as rich as Bill Gates.
 
  • #78
~christina~ said:
Your wish is granted but the cheese is rotten.

I wish that I was as rich as Bill Gates.

Your wish is granted.

Bill gates donates all his money to charity.

I wish I had my own airplane!
 
  • #79
Cyrus said:
I wish I had my own airplane!

your wish is granted:
http://www.cynical-c.com/archives/bloggraphics/stealth.jpg

I wish I looked like Gisele Bundchen.
 
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  • #80
Math Is Hard said:
I wish I looked like Gisele Bundchen.

your wish is granted--you get to look like her (when she's 84 years old)

I'd like an Appleby's Margarita right now
 
  • #81
Math Is Hard said:
your wish is granted:
http://www.cynical-c.com/archives/bloggraphics/stealth.jpg

I wish I looked like Gisele Bundchen.

Damn you woman!
 
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  • #82
rewebster said:
I'd like an Appleby's Margarita right now

Granted; Appleby punches you in the face for taking one of her margaritas.

I wish they would find cute, danger free life forms on Mars.
 
  • #83
rewebster said:
your wish is granted--you get to look like her (when she's 84 years old)

I'd like an Appleby's Margarita right now

Your wish is granted. You have to sit there and listen to a guy with flair say, "someones got a case of the MUNDAYS".


I wish for unlimited untwisted wishes!
 
  • #84
Daniel Y. said:
I wish they would find cute, danger free life forms on Mars.

Granted. Tribbles are discovered on Mars and brought back to Earth. Two weeks later, there is nothing to eat but tribbles.

Cyrus said:
I wish for unlimited untwisted wishes!

Granted. You are now a genie. You are imprisoned in a little lamp that is resting at the bottom of the ocean. You can only grant wishes for other people, and you must wait for someone to find the lamp and rub it.


I wish I had some ice cream.
 
  • #85
Phlogistonian said:
I wish I had some ice cream.

Granted.. One bacon icecream with pickle relish topping coming up.





I wish I had a job doing nothing making lots of money with a big office, a pretty secretary, a company car, a company phone, medical and dental, a pension, a month of vacation per year, a personal jet, an assistant, stock options, an office billiard table, an office wetbar, my own parking space, offshore accounts, an island, a rocketship, a small military... am I going a bit overboard?
 
  • #86
TheStatutoryApe said:
I wish I had a job doing nothing making lots of money with a big office, a pretty secretary, a company car, a company phone, medical and dental, a pension, a month of vacation per year, a personal jet, an assistant, stock options, an office billiard table, an office wetbar, my own parking space, offshore accounts, an island, a rocketship, a small military... am I going a bit overboard?

Your wish is granted. You become Bush and/or Cheney, your 'job' is almost over, and you live the rest of your life in infamy with 100's of books written about your greed.


I would like to get a new computer.
 
  • #87
rewebster said:
Your wish is granted. You become Bush and/or Cheney, your 'job' is almost over, and you live the rest of your life in infamy with 100's of books written about your greed.
I was wondering if someone would go for that response.


I would like to get a new computer.
Is this supposed to be a wish? I suppose you can have one if you want.
 
  • #88
rewebster said:
I would like to get a new computer.
Your wish is granted - you now have a brand-new, never-out-of-the-box IBM PS2 Model 50 with a 286 processor, a whole meg of RAM and a 10 meg HD.

I wish we would find huge new oil reserves and put OPEC out of business.
 
  • #89
turbo-1 said:
I wish we would find huge new oil reserves and put OPEC out of business.

Your wish is granted ---but they are all still in the middle east and are owned by very greedy people who end up buying OPEC.

I wish my garden was bigger
 
  • #90
turbo-1 said:
I wish we would find huge new oil reserves and put OPEC out of business.

Granted. Now the psycho poop flinging green community declares war on the world and destroys human society with massive out breaks of various feces born disease.

I wish religion was a bad memory.
 
  • #91
rewebster said:
I wish my garden was bigger

Granted. Your plants cover the entire surface of the earth. I'll let you imagine the outcome... :cool:
 
  • #92
robertm said:
Granted. Your plants cover the entire surface of the earth. I'll let you imagine the outcome... :cool:

someone who wishes for nothing? <hint!--hint!>
 
  • #93
robertm said:
Granted. Now the psycho poop flinging green community declares war on the world and destroys human society with massive out breaks of various feces born disease.

I wish religion was a bad memory.

See above!
 
  • #94
robertm said:
Granted. Now the psycho poop flinging green community declares war on the world and destroys human society with massive out breaks of various feces born disease.

I wish religion was a bad memory.


Your wish is granted. Everyone in the world died from some disease except for you. Sooooo, religion and everything else is just a memory...


I wish my iron maiden cd would stop skipping.
 
  • #95
moose said:
I wish my iron maiden cd would stop skipping.

Granted. Now it will play perfectly forever in your permanent headphones. Also I'm am feeling generous, you now have eternal life and hyper-sensitive hearing. MUWAH HAHA!

I wish I had a lifetime supply of .8 mm archival quality ink pens.
 
  • #96
robertm said:
I wish I had a lifetime supply of .8 mm archival quality ink pens.

Your wish is granted---but everything you try to write on is ink resistant.


I wish I could go back and talk to Einstein for a day back in 1952 or 53.
 
  • #97
rewebster said:
I wish I could go back and talk to Einstein for a day back in 1952 or 53.

Granted. But he hates you, kicks you out, and destroys your time machine.

I wish my eyes and brain could register and process a large portion of the EM spectrum.
 
  • #98
rewebster said:
I wish I could go back and talk to Einstein for a day back in 1952 or 53.

Your wish is granted but 1min into the conversation he says that he's busy and has to go.

I wish I had a bicycle.
 
  • #99
~christina~ said:
I wish I had a bicycle.

Granted. It's a walmart special made for ages 4-8. I'll throw in the training wheels and streamers if you say please!

Anything yet??
I wish my eyes and brain could register and process a large portion of the EM spectrum.
 
  • #100
robertm said:
I wish my eyes and brain could register and process a large portion of the EM spectrum.

Your wish is granted. Of course, this means you're blinded to the visible spectrum and keep bumping into things, and for your brain to process all the information, you have been reduced to a drooling idiot and everyone thinks you're referring to hallucinations when you try to describe what you're seeing to them.

I wish the impending thunderstorm would hold off until Monday so we can enjoy a rain-free weekend.
 

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