Can Men and Women Have Platonic Friendships?

[sourlemon]

I tried searching, but I didn't find this topic. I'm just curious what you guys think. Can a male and female be friends without one being interested in the other? I see this online all the time, but I don't see it in real life that often.

In addition to that, I have another question. Would you ask the opposite sex to lunch if you have no interest in him/her?

 

[Greg Bernhardt]

Of course. One of my best friends is female and I am not sexually attracted to her.

 

[sourlemon]

And you're certain she's not attracted to you?

 

[KSmi]

That's a tough question. I'd say it depends? Depends on whether how the two of you got to know each other.

I have a male best friend and we grew up together. I am pretty sure that neither of us has feelings for each other. As for the lunch thing, I would lunch a person of the opposite gender to lunch even if I weren't interested in him. Actually, it's the person I am crushing on that I wouldn't be able to invite for lunch. lol.

 

[Tregg Smith]

No and no

 

[anubis01]

Men and women can be friends, as long as appropriate boundaries in the friendship are established.

 

[Astronuc]

I tried searching, but I didn't find this topic. I'm just curious what you guys think. Can a male and female be friends without one being interested in the other? I see this online all the time, but I don't see it in real life that often.

In addition to that, I have another question. Would you ask the opposite sex to lunch if you have no interest in him/her?

Sure - I have lots of female friends. The interest is friendship and/or collegiality.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collegiality

 

[Pengwuino]

I also have female friends. I had a friend who I use to go to the movies with, just me and her, purely because we wanted to hang out and see a movie. Nothing more.

Personally, I have a few friends who I think are very pretty and have wonderful characteristics, but I know enough about them to know "not to touch that with a 10 foot poll". I have one friend who I'm surprised her boyfriend hasn't killed her yet. I know I probably would have having to deal with her. If you actually make an effort to get to know women, you'll find some (read: most) are batchit crazy

 

[Oldfart]

I'd say "Yes, but." The but being that the relationship will always be an unstable one, either party can accidently or puposely cause a tipping point, then watch out...

 

[turbo]

@OP. I have had many women friends throughout my life, including a lovely lady that was my best friend in college. Our social backgrounds were diametrically opposed (she was the only daughter of a Harvard prof) as were our academic interests (engineering for me, art-history for her). When you click as friends, GRAB IT! You can have lots of love interests come and go, but a real friend? Rare. Don't confine yourself to your own gender when looking for friends. You're denying yourself access to half of the "friend pool" when doing that.

 

[Pengwuino]

I'd say "Yes, but." The but being that the relationship will always be an unstable one, either party can accidently or puposely cause a tipping point, then watch out...

That's untrue.

I don't get it, do most guys just blindly see girls as sex objects with absolutely no redeeming "friendly" qualities?

Actually yah I guess so. Then again I think most guys here already have friends who are girls that make up stable friendships. They probably just see them as "one of the guys", almost too literally.

 

[turbo]

I had female friends in HS that were just friends, and we shared a lot of great times and interests. Having great female friends in HS can yield pretty impressive benefits, since if you are not romantically interested in one another, you can become the object of your friends' tendency to engage in match-making. That works later on in life, too.

 

[Drakkith]

That's untrue.

I don't get it, do most guys just blindly see girls as sex objects with absolutely no redeeming "friendly" qualities?

Actually yah I guess so. Then again I think most guys here already have friends who are girls that make up stable friendships. They probably just see them as "one of the guys", almost too literally.

I think this all depends on your definition of a friend. If you have about 0 things in common with someone, would you consider them a friend? And by in common, I mean they don't have the same hobbies, they don't think like you, talk like you, etc. In general, I find that most men don't have close friends with women simply because the women ARENT men. They don't think like men, they don't talk like men, they don't behave like men, ETC.

Opposite of that, I find that men with close female friends actually have something in common with those women. I myself have had the most in depth conversations with several women that I could never have with any of my guy friends. I enjoy talking to them. There isn't an awkward "we don't talk about that" thing with women like there is with most guys. (I said most, not all) But beyond that, I don't know any women that have the same interests that I have. Because of that I don't tend to hang out with any.

I find that it generally comes down to similar interests and understanding between people. Men and Women, in general, have very different ways of thinking and feeling. Because of this you typically see women with more women friends, and men with more men friends.

Also, I do have to say that for me personally, whether it is because I'm a guy or not, I am ALWAYS drawn towards women in a sexual way. Doesn't matter if I'm "supposed" to feel that way or not, (like feelings towards someone elses GF/Wife) it isn't something I can turn off. Control? Definately. But turn off? Not a chance. I'd be willing to bet many guys feel the same way. I can say that its MUCH easier to avoid getting into any questionable situations by simply not hanging out with women.

 

[fillipeano]

Believe it or not, it happens quite often. I have friends that are girls, and I'm not attracted to them in that way. They are just fun to hang out with.

 

[Obsidian222]

All male friends I have ever had, eventually, at some point...lean in!...Nature of the beast I guess!

 

[Pyrrhus]

Yes, but beware impersonators.

 

[Mentallic]

It's hilarious at how many posts we've had so far that answer the question

Can a male and female be friends without one being interested in the other?

with

Of course. One of my best friends is female and I am not sexually attracted to her.

I have friends that are girls, and I'm not attracted to them in that way.

 

[Tregg Smith]

I have friends that are girls and I'm attracted to everyone of them.

 

[Dembadon]

It's hilarious at how many posts we've had so far that answer the question

[...]

I'll add another one.

My wife's best friend and I are good friends. I can't speak for her, but I'm not sexually attracted to her in any way; she's just a fun person to be around.

However, I have a penis and she has a vagina. It would be foolish to ignore the possibility of things getting sexual, even though it is very unlikely. It's not like we hang out alone while drinking alcohol and eating chocolate covered fruits, but I would never put myself in such a situation; it's foolish and unnecessary.

 

[ahitztafloor]

I have a lot of friends that are guys and from my point of view we have a normal person to person relationship. But that's from just my point of view; their thoughts about our friendship is a mystery to me.

 

[ahitztafloor]

I have friends that are girls and I'm attracted to everyone of them.

I hope you are!

 

[lisab]

I have a lot of friends that are guys and from my point of view we have a normal person to person relationship. But that's from just my point of view; their thoughts about our friendship is a mystery to me.

True, and it would be kind of awkward for a female to ask her male friends, "So, are you attracted to me?" Best that the question not be asked. I certainly don't want to know the answer !

 

[sourlemon]

totally off topic but multiquotes is totally awesome! :!)

When you click as friends, GRAB IT! You can have lots of love interests come and go, but a real friend? Rare. Don't confine yourself to your own gender when looking for friends. You're denying yourself access to half of the "friend pool" when doing that.

Gender doesn't come into mind when I make friends. But it's harder for me to make befriend with a guy. They either have no interest in being my friend or want more than a friendship. Lolz, maybe I'm just not friend materials.

I think this all depends on your definition of a friend. If you have about 0 things in common with someone, would you consider them a friend?

Also, I do have to say that for me personally, whether it is because I'm a guy or not, I am ALWAYS drawn towards women in a sexual way. Doesn't matter if I'm "supposed" to feel that way or not, (like feelings towards someone elses GF/Wife) it isn't something I can turn off. Control? Definately. But turn off? Not a chance. I'd be willing to bet many guys feel the same way. I can say that its MUCH easier to avoid getting into any questionable situations by simply not hanging out with women.

neither my sisters or close friends share the most of the things that interest as me. Yet I still love them! And that's the weird thing. I share more interest with the guys, yet I have no close guy friend.

I have friends that are girls and I'm attracted to everyone of them.

LOL

True, and it would be kind of awkward for a female to ask her male friends, "So, are you attracted to me?" Best that the question not be asked. I certainly don't want to know the answer !

Agree. I would (almost) never ask a guy that. But at the same time, if a guy shows sign of interest and I'm not interest in him, I try to keep a distance because I don't want to lead him on.

 

[sourlemon]

It's hilarious at how many posts we've had so far that answer the question

with

Lolz does that mean women don't feel the same way? They don't think they can be friends with men without being sexually attracted to them?

I wonder if everyone who answer to this has a gf/wife/bf/husband/life partner/whatever else you want to call them

 

[turbo]

Lolz does that mean women don't feel the same way? They don't think they can be friends with men without being sexually attracted to them?

I wonder if everyone who answer to this has a gf/wife/bf/husband/life partner/whatever else you want to call them

Human relationships are complex. I have a distant cousin that I have known for years longer than I have known my wife. I was romantically attracted to her. There was a not-insignificant age difference when I was in college, so my focus moved to ladies in my university. Years later, she and my wife ended up working in a mill together, and she and her husband and their daughters became fixtures at our house on holidays, special occasions, etc. Now, her girls are grown and gone, but we are all still friends. And that's it. Friends. If I needed her, I'd call her, and she could get my support just as easily in tough times. We have been friends now for over 40 years.

On my 40th birthday, she convinced three of her sisters to gang up and "kidnap" me for a night of bar-hopping. I used to play music at some of those joints, and in the weeks afterward, younger guys would come up to me and ask where I got that posse. The tiniest one was the wife of the chief of police and was the designated driver, and she was getting all kinds of free drinks and foisting them on me. Later, it occurred to me that with such beautiful cousins, they could probably have asked for shots of single-malt scotch when guys wanted to buy them drinks.

 

[Darken-Sol]

before the sex. then after the sex. in all but 1 case for me. the exception is my ex wife who is very unfriendly.

 

[Lichdar]

Sure. Do you have a mother? Is she a friend to you?

Are you sexually attracted to her?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I find the idea that one would be attracted to a person who does not possesses any of the qualities they look for in a friend rather odd. Similar the other way around. Why are you interested in being friends with someone who possesses no qualities which attract you?

 

[Mentallic]

I find the idea that one would be attracted to a person who does not possesses any of the qualities they look for in a friend rather odd. Similar the other way around. Why are you interested in being friends with someone who possesses no qualities which attract you?

Agreed. I develop friendships with guys because we have common interests, or they make me laugh etc. With girls, it's a lot harder to find common interests when they're into... you know... girl stuff - yet I still have as many girl friends as I do guy friends.

 

[KingNothing]

I personally cannot be friends with a girl I find physically unattractive. I also believe that friends can have sex while still being friends.

I will also say that a lot of people my age (early 20's) play naive about their friends' intentions.

 

[Nicholasng925]

Well it actually depends! I have lots of guy friends but only one close guy friend! And that's because I have some common interests with him.

I enjoy hanging out with girls too! They are just so fun to be mingled around. I wouldn't say I'm attracted to all of them apparently, but maybe only one at a time. I like to make them laugh, cause I like cheerful people. I enjoy having conservation with girls more than guys, and I don't know why. LOL!

 

[Mentallic]

I also believe that friends can have sex while still being friends.

That would be awesome! But from my experiences, still being friends with them as though nothing ever happened is kind of difficult. It's like the moment your spouse turns into your ex, you most probably will have sour feelings towards them.

 

[jhae2.718]

Sure. Do you have a mother? Is she a friend to you?

Are you sexually attracted to her?

Is your name Sigmund Freud by chance?

 

[JhonMoney]

i think your question is that the male and female can be friend without taking any interest in love...

 

[Lichdar]

In all seriousness...

Of course, although it is always a relative measure. There's no reason why a man and a woman cannot have a friendship on a basis of common interest that's completely separate from any romantic attraction.

That said, there is always a strong bias toward inclination of romantic attraction - especially if its a more emotional nature of friendship. Intimacy is one of the components of romance, so a deep personal friendship already would begin to share some of the components of a romantic relationship. If there's also a physical attraction, as could be expected of boys and girls, that's when the lines are regularly blurred.

Selection bias is there too. I certainly don't only befriend members of the opposite sex that I find attractive, but there's a strong tendency toward that. It seems uncharitable that someone mentioned that men see in women either potential girlfriends or mothers - but in more emotional friendships, I can't deny that there's a strong role toward that. Either my female friends tend to be older and get treated fairly maternal, or they tend to be in the, essentially, nubile range.

I think that friendship is separate from sexual attraction; what happens is that sexual attraction has a tendency to strongly bias one to interact with a person, and that can lead to increased odds of friendship, and then people fall comfortably into 'roles.'

Case example: There's one lovely dark-haired girl with stunning green eyes that I talk to regularly; but there's really not that much common ground(I don't even speak her language well - she speaks mostly French!). Yet there's something about me that clearly enjoys being able to enjoy the company and flirt heavily with her, leading me to /find/ common ground with her. She also provides very consistent emotional support when I ask for it and acts impressed otherwise, and tells me secrets - its not too hard to see it to be a vague precursor to a romantic relationship. More or less the same is true of another girl, also someone I find attractive. I believe people slip into roles and something along the intimacy of an almost sexualized friendship becomes comfortably acceptable.

All of this would most likely stop and come crashing down at actual sex, though. I've no intention of testing that out. And I don't really think it has a lot to do with love - that seems an unnaturally strong word for a bit of physical attraction and comfort in the usual gender roles.

 

[pergradus]

Of course. One of my best friends is female and I am not sexually attracted to her.

Is that because you're good friends, or because you wouldn't have found her attractive anyways?

 

[physiqueper4]

I think the issue Sourlemon is trying to disscuss is not an occasionally friendship that is temporarly shrot and not so deep.Because in this case the anwser is obvious Yes.Many persons are friends where male and female go toghethor to work, study , walk, ...and they are only friends , but they go mostly in group. I have three best friends, one I knew since I was 15, the two othors since 4years, and 2 years.We are not a group, each one of them is very close to me. I call them , they call me wedo every thing togethor.we walk we spend hours outsideand inside. I have female friends but i do not imagine one of them doing what my best three male friends are doing.
If that happens, I think it only when there is love.

 

[physiqueper4]

I mean , how can you spend much time with some one with no risk to like him? if not why do'nt you spend that time with a sam sex friend who shares with you things and ideas better than a different sex friend?, not to mention the natural attractions.

 

[Echo 6 Sierra]

Yes and no because I think it depends on the individuals and their circumstances. I have a married lady friend that I go to museums and exhibits/openings with because we both love art. I go to rallys, fun runs, & poker runs with her husband. Never one with the other though except the ocasional ride, weird. I have attractive lady friends from our practice gym that I occasionally dine with but I'm not interested due to one reason or another, mostly political. I've heard it said, "Men have women friends they haven't "you know" yet and women have man friends just in case."

All that being said, yes, they can be friends. I did however, have a lady friend once that put her hand on my arm and said thank you for some reason or another and it was like I just got a shot of Morphine in that spot. All warm and tingly, started stuttering and walked away. Before that she was just someones wife and mother but at that instant...? Nothing like that has ever happened to me again, shame. I wonder if she's on facebook.

 

[Astronuc]

Update: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/08/opinion/sunday/a-man-a-woman-just-friends.html

The article/opinion column seemed appropriate for this thread.

 

[MikeCL]

Hmm Not sure I'd say it's possible.. this one girl I know I've known her for at least 4 years but for the past few months she's been pretty touchy or telling me a lot of her stuff that's going on. I try to keep it on a friendship level.

 

[Pythagorean]

Depends on the person. I know all kinds. It's more likely that a young hormonal male doesn't like friendship with women because they get friendship and attraction confused. Or sometimes try to feign friendship to obscure attraction.

Men and women can be friends as long as both are attracted to each other or neither are attracted to each other. If, however, one is pining after the other, then the friendship will always bet strained. For most males, it becomes a lot more likely to be friends with a woman the more emotionally mature you are. I think it's generally easier for most women.

The best advice is to be honest with yourself and what you want, but to also not have expectations.

 

[DataGG]

I'll leave this vid here. not sure if you know of it already, but either way:

 

[turbo]

I have a friend who is a female, but who is a serial home-wrecker. We are civil, and when my wife encourages me to be closer to her for "old time's sake", I always err on the side of caution. I have other friends who are females, but none as predatory and dangerous. Cute + promiscuous is a scary combination.

 

[gentryliving]

Yes, man and woman can be friends. Nothing wrong in it.

 

[Mentallic]

Yes, man and woman can be friends. Nothing wrong in it.

We're not saying there is anything wrong with a man and woman being friends, but is it possible for both parties to not feel a sexual connection in any way, shape or form?

 

[chiro]

No reason why women and men can't have normal friend relationships, but I have to say there are some women out there that 'love' collecting male friends. Some people call this 'the friend zone' and personally if it happened to me, it would drive me absolutely nuts.

Probably males that like doing the same thing (collecting female 'friends') but for entirely different reasons.

 

[Mentallic]

With some female friends of mine, while I don't pursue them and I just enjoy their company, if they came onto me, I'd probably end up going for it. I feel like this happens a lot at some level or another with male-female friendships.

Also, I guess I collect female friends too, but only because I usually prefer the company of a girl over a guy (unless they're bimbos or always have shopping on their mind).

 

[ThomasT]

I tried searching, but I didn't find this topic. I'm just curious what you guys think. Can a male and female be friends without one being interested in the other?

You mean sexually? Sure. Why not?

In addition to that, I have another question. Would you ask the opposite sex to lunch if you have no interest in him/her?

You mean sexually? Sure. Why not?

 

[mcknia07]

With some female friends of mine, while I don't pursue them and I just enjoy their company, if they came onto me, I'd probably end up going for it. I feel like this happens a lot at some level or another with male-female friendships.
Also, I guess I collect female friends too, but only because I usually prefer the company of a girl over a guy (unless they're bimbos or always have shopping on their mind).

hey now! Just because we are blonde and love shopping, doesn't make us any more boring than any other girl. Guys still like talking to me. I have my moments that I'm a "bimbo", but I'm smart.