Can't Socialize? How to Develop Meaningful Relationships

[Physics is Phun]

I'm going to become an old, wifeless, friendless, cat-ful man before I know it. I can't seem to form meaningful relationships with anyone. I'm not really introverted, I can meet people, and small talk all right, but I can't seem to get into a real conversation with anyone. Often, if I see a friend on the street, I don't say anything cause I just think to myself, what would I say that isn't stupid. I don't know, but I have to do something to change before it's too late. Do other people feel this way? or am I just a not so smart nerd that is never going to be able to have a relationship with anyone ?

 

[jimmy p]

Oh, you are talking my language. I have recently discovered the joys of going out (it's taken two years to go out and enjoy myself and not get horribly drunk), I go with my cousin, and occasionally one of the members of my band (). We go to a rock club. My cousin and the band member know people so go off and chat with them. I can make small talk with their friends which usually is "where is x?" and then I have nothing to say to them. I know no-one in the club, and as it is a small place, everyone else seems to know everyone, apart from me, and I don't know how to get into these social circles. Hanging around and being someone who tags along doesn't really work, but I have nothing to say to them. I haven't made any contact with girls in over 6 months, as in I haven't talked to a girl I don't know.

At my age, my parents were married, and while I wouldn't want to be married at 20, it does nag at me a bit that their generation seemed to find happiness, love, friends and careers at a young age, and all I have is friends at the moment.

But then again there is something exciting about growing old and being cat-ful.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I find I generally don't know what to say myself. I think it's mainly because my life is really boring at the moment and most of the people I know aren't very interested in those things that I am interested in.

 

[Physics is Phun]

It's not just a girl thing for me. Infact, I might ever go as far as saying I am better at talking to girls. Atleast they have stuff to say... usually.
I'm not really into sports, not anything people talk about anyways, I don't specifically like any music genre, I listen to music alot, but I don't really 'know' music, and can't talk about it much. I can have the odd convo about movies here and there. but other than that, I have nothing to say! What the hell is wrong with me?

 

[Physics is Phun]

TSA are you OK with that? I just don't know. I'm 18 and I'm starting to realize my life could become extremely boring unless I make it otherwise, it's not going to happen on it's own, but I don't know what to do to keep it from happening.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

TSA are you OK with that? I just don't know. I'm 18 and I'm starting to realize my life could become extremely boring unless I make it otherwise, it's not going to happen on it's own, but I don't know what to do to keep it from happening.

I think that my life is currently boring mainly because my job is really boring. I'm actually really embarassed about my job and lack of income which makes it somewhat difficult for me to socialize. I also came into a pretty long running slump being depressed and haven't been able to pull myself out yet. I think I'll eventually get back into the swing of things but for the most part I will still probbaly have little to talk to most people about. There are definitely people out there though that are interested in the same sorts of things I am, they're just hard to find. I'm sure that you'll find there are actually people out there that you can find something to talk about with too.

 

[rachmaninoff]

...Hanging around and being someone who tags along doesn't really work...

Yes it does. You're not doing it right.

 

[jimmy p]

Yes it does. You're not doing it right.

There are ways?

 

[CosminaPrisma]

Yeah, just go along with what the group is doing, ask questions & act interested, expand your horizons...you'd be suprised.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Often, if I see a friend on the street, I don't say anything cause I just think to myself, what would I say that isn't stupid.

Conversation isn't about avoiding saying stuff that's stupid. 80% of most conversations probably qualifies as stupid, in that no one is saying much profound, intellectual, or of any real importance in the grand scheme of things. People are just checking in with each other, passing the latest info, no matter how boring or unimportant it probably is.

 

[ShawnD]

Hanging around and being someone who tags along doesn't really work

Admitting that tag alongs are jackasses is the first step towards being a better person.

It's ok to say stupid things as long as it's sort of understood that you're not serious.

 

[Pengwuino]

I'm a tremendous socializer. I have many friends, they are awesome, i am the center of attention.

 

[Evo]

I'm a tremendous socializer. I have many friends, they are awesome, i am the center of attention.

Did you get the keys to the contributor's hottub and there is a Ferrari for you guys, you know. Check with yomamma, he's the last one on the log.

 

[Pengwuino]

Did you get the keys to the contributor's hottub and there is a Ferrari for you guys, you know. Check with yomamma, he's the last one on the log.

What a life I lead

 

[franznietzsche]

I'm a tremendous socializer. I have many friends, they are awesome, i am the center of attention.

Read: "I'm an attention whore. Hey why aren't you listening! LISTEN TO ME!"


I'm easily bored by most people. Really. 80% of my friends are other physics majors now. And the few that aren't just happen to be major geeks.

 

[jimmy p]

Admitting that tag alongs are jackasses is the first step towards being a better person.

I like that, it makes sense!

 

[Physics is Phun]

lol. I am such a tag along :P I always feel like, if I wasn't here right now, no one would care, or miss me.
OMG, I'm off to the pound... got to get me some cats :)

 

[CosminaPrisma]

How do you stop being a tag a long and find friends where you aren't a tag a long, I've had this problem at points in my life too...

 

[jhe1984]

My advice is mental-mockery. This allows you to 1) suffer through an otherwise insufferable event 2) gives you someone to talk to and 3) reinforces the truism that you are better than everyone else (except me, of course, as I am better than everyone else). And I will know when I find my true love, because she will not want to be there either.

But another point is, you do realize that this right here is socializing? Contrary to being a technicality, this forum is simply another way to interact (be social) with others (ize), even though it is a relatively new and different venue.

What you mean is that you can't go to a bar or to a friend's house and enjoy sitting through 3-plus hours of generally boring conversations, with a predictable start-middle-end to each of them. It wouldn't say much about you if you could.

Examples:

"Man, what was Billingsley thinking, going for the score like that with 10 minutes left."

" 'Cha."

----

"Man, that girl over there is smokin hot. I heard Jeremy totally banged her."

(In reality, Jeremy tried to kiss [but ended up just licking the face of] an almost blacked out version of her upstairs at some slumber party. He then pawed at her boobs and went downstairs, where he proceeded to "have totally banged that chick". She also had some vomit in her hair.)

---

"Dude, Rick is such a c#@&*ucker. He totally badmouthed me behind my back. And did you know that Rick is such a pansy. One time, he told me he cried when his parents were fighting. I hate people who talk **** behind other people's back. Not cool, bro."

----

And last but not least: the girl you try to talk to.

"Hey Sarah. What's going on?"

"Not much - well okay, first like I'm totally stressed out, did you do well on Lafkey's quiz - I totally bombed it. And then Ashley - she's such a whore - like went to lunch without me. But we were never really friends anyway. Like - it was always, I needed someone to go eat with and she had third period off, but then Steph and Susan - who I've known FOREVER - start hanging out with her too. And I'm like, "yeah she's cool and all, but she's totally a mall slut" but they don't get it. They can be real *****es sometimes. And so now, Ashley is all hanging out with them and Jackie said she told them that I hooked up with Kyle - totally not true. All we did was - oh hold, I've got to go ask Jeff something. (adjusts her bra and walks over to Jeff)."

(you to yourself) "Great. Yeah I'm well, thanks for asking Sarah - (*****). Man I suck at talking to girls."

----

If these hint at your current socializing like they did mine in high school and still some now in college, then yes, join the club. You can't socialize. And that's when the fun starts...

 

[Blahness]

Join the club. ^_^

Try to meet people who're interested in whatever you are(Physics in this case), and talk about that. The best friends are ones met by talking about topics you both like.

Stupid conversations are the most common in the world, so... well, avoid it if you wish, but stay in a friendly, nerdandgeek-infested area and you should be fine.

 

[JasonRox]

The worst thing you can do is become desparate and hang out with anyone. This is usually causes people to acquainted with the wrong people, and get influenced in such a way that is not good for yourself.

 

[ShawnD]

The worst thing you can do is become desparate and hang out with anyone. This is usually causes people to acquainted with the wrong people, and get influenced in such a way that is not good for yourself.

Thankfully I never did that because I had some high standards despite the fact I was never very pleasant to be around; leads to a lot of loneliness.

Buy the book "how to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. It's a book loaded with simple things people forget, such as don't share your negative opinion unless it is asked for. The book also explains how to hold conversations with people even though you have absolutely nothing to say. It's really an excellent book. It certainly has changed my life.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671723650/?tag=pfamazon01-20

 

[CosminaPrisma]

Thanks, I think I'm going to check that book out.

 

[Physics is Phun]

books eh? I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to that :P but maybe it is something that i should be reading.

 

[CosminaPrisma]

Hey I'm going to read it--so you're not the only person. :D

 

[ek]

Unintelligent people are good at socializing because they don't give a **** if what they're talking about is worthless blathering.

It's kind of like JP Sarte's prereflexive consciousness. If you don't know you're being/talking/acting like a moron, it's not going to bother you.

For me that is was/is one of the biggest obstacles to get over in socializing. Self-awareness can be crippling socially. Especially in general social settings, that is, not with other physics students. I really have to watch myself. I see the world physically and mathematically. And I like to comment on it as such. But if I'm not with someone who shares my knowledge and interest of physics, then I just come off as a condascending geek.

As an example, I was playing poker one night with my (non-physics) friends, and I suddenly thought up what I thought was a pretty clever joke. I knew nobody would get it, but I felt like telling it anyhow. Mistake. Don't tell physics jokes at the poker table. Nothing but blank looks, even after I explained it. The joke? It's nothing special, but I told it to the people sitting by me the next day in class and it got chuckles all around.

"Why don't beings from Alpha Lyrae eat meat?"

I think you know the answer. LOL.

Anyways, what I do now is talk to the level of the person I'm talking to. Or, if I just met someone and don't know what their level is, I go to "mildly intelligent" mode. Then I adapt. It's all about adapting. I can have brilliant conversations. I can have dumbass conversations. I can have meaningless and thouroughly meaningful conversations. The key though imo is turning off your "self awareness". In other words, realizing not every conversation has to be about relativity, cosmology or string theory. They can be about slurpees, banging chicks and getting hammered. Just go with the flow and adapt to them all.

 

[jimmy p]

"Man, what was Billingsley thinking, going for the score like that with 10 minutes left."

" 'Cha."

----

"Man, that girl over there is smokin hot. I heard Jeremy totally banged her."

(In reality, Jeremy tried to kiss [but ended up just licking the face of] an almost blacked out version of her upstairs at some slumber party. He then pawed at her boobs and went downstairs, where he proceeded to "have totally banged that chick". She also had some vomit in her hair.)

---

"Dude, Rick is such a c#@&*ucker. He totally badmouthed me behind my back. And did you know that Rick is such a pansy. One time, he told me he cried when his parents were fighting. I hate people who talk **** behind other people's back. Not cool, bro."

----

And last but not least: the girl you try to talk to.

"Hey Sarah. What's going on?"

"Not much - well okay, first like I'm totally stressed out, did you do well on Lafkey's quiz - I totally bombed it. And then Ashley - she's such a whore - like went to lunch without me. But we were never really friends anyway. Like - it was always, I needed someone to go eat with and she had third period off, but then Steph and Susan - who I've known FOREVER - start hanging out with her too. And I'm like, "yeah she's cool and all, but she's totally a mall slut" but they don't get it. They can be real *****es sometimes. And so now, Ashley is all hanging out with them and Jackie said she told them that I hooked up with Kyle - totally not true. All we did was - oh hold, I've got to go ask Jeff something. (adjusts her bra and walks over to Jeff)."

(you to yourself) "Great. Yeah I'm well, thanks for asking Sarah - (*****). Man I suck at talking to girls."

----

It's just like a teen movie...

 

[GCT]

I'm going to become an old, wifeless, friendless, cat-ful man before I know it. I can't seem to form meaningful relationships with anyone. I'm not really introverted, I can meet people, and small talk all right, but I can't seem to get into a real conversation with anyone. Often, if I see a friend on the street, I don't say anything cause I just think to myself, what would I say that isn't stupid. I don't know, but I have to do something to change before it's too late. Do other people feel this way? or am I just a not so smart nerd that is never going to be able to have a relationship with anyone ?

it's good that you're concerned about such things, but as people in this forum have said, you don't want to become desparate. socializing takes a lot of smarts really as well as motivation, if you don't have either, you're not going to get along well in any group. That is you're not the only one who's desparate, desparate people will get together and if they see it to be fit, they'll calmly build upon the relationship. Thus it requires a lot of patience and smarts under pressure. If they see each other as harmless and compatible, and attentative. yes, rude idiots also socialize, but none of them really last as friends.

more than just socializing...don't you have any other interests in your life? panicking about such matters is fairly normal, that's why you've got to to play it smart. Especially in the US, people value independence, if you've got something going for you and your selfish about it, friends usually come naturally. That is unless you're mentally retarded or absolutely hideous (that's another thing, try to shape up your appearance), than you'll never see the light of day As far as personality goes, people have different strategies, some are trustworthy and all around nice to be with, some are interesting ("or interestingly weird"), talented, funny