- #1
GeorginaS
- 236
- 1
Does anyone have any suggestions about how to engage someone in a conversation about defensive behaviour? How do you talk to them about it?
Here are a couple of small examples, but not the totality of what I’m dealing with:
I say – I have red hair; Kelly has brown hair.
They say – Well that’s not a bad thing, you know!
Or
They say – I think X, Y, and Z.
I say – That’s really interesting. I hadn’t thought of X, Y, and Z before. That reminds me of an instance when someone said K,L, and M to me.
They say – I didn’t say that or mean that. That’s not what I said!
Largely the cases being that I’m offering a statement that has no value judgement attached to it whatsoever and getting my head bit off for it.
It's been my experience that, when I've identified that someone is responding defensively with me in conversations, I check first to see if it’s something I’m doing. I make reasonably certain that a) I'm not attacking or threatening them, b) I’m adhering to good communication practises by acknowledging what they say and their ideas prior to introducing my own, c) I’m not lecturing/talking down to/humouring them, and d) I’m not being critical of what they’re saying.
Once I’m pretty sure it’s not me, it’s them, then I need to ask them what’s up. I’ve not figured out a way to do that yet without that person getting defensive with me about it and then the issue doesn't get resolved.
Ideas?
Here are a couple of small examples, but not the totality of what I’m dealing with:
I say – I have red hair; Kelly has brown hair.
They say – Well that’s not a bad thing, you know!
Or
They say – I think X, Y, and Z.
I say – That’s really interesting. I hadn’t thought of X, Y, and Z before. That reminds me of an instance when someone said K,L, and M to me.
They say – I didn’t say that or mean that. That’s not what I said!
Largely the cases being that I’m offering a statement that has no value judgement attached to it whatsoever and getting my head bit off for it.
It's been my experience that, when I've identified that someone is responding defensively with me in conversations, I check first to see if it’s something I’m doing. I make reasonably certain that a) I'm not attacking or threatening them, b) I’m adhering to good communication practises by acknowledging what they say and their ideas prior to introducing my own, c) I’m not lecturing/talking down to/humouring them, and d) I’m not being critical of what they’re saying.
Once I’m pretty sure it’s not me, it’s them, then I need to ask them what’s up. I’ve not figured out a way to do that yet without that person getting defensive with me about it and then the issue doesn't get resolved.
Ideas?