Ask a Stupid Quetion Get a Stupid Answer

[jimmie]

Yeah, sure, you can charge him as much rent as you like. Collecting the rent however, has proven difficult, since the boogeyman's cache of cheques ran-out about 4 beds ago.

Speaking of freebies, why does honey cost so much money?

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

Speaking of freebies, why does honey cost so much money?

Because the bees... have such... high fees?!?

Why are the bee's knees good and the dog's bollock's good, but if I tell a girl she looks like a horse's arse I get a handbag in the face?

 

[tribdog]

Why are the bee's knees good and the dog's bollock's good, but if I tell a girl she looks like a horse's arse I get a handbag in the face?

she probably just doesn't like the accent.

Why are such sweet sayings as "Be Mine" and "Hug Me" and "Cutie Pie" on such rotten candy?

 

[madcat11]

Why are such sweet sayings as "Be Mine" and "Hug Me" and "Cutie Pie" on such rotten candy?

The candy wasn't rotten in the beginning - it's just the rebagging it year after year for ..what is it? .. Heart's day (the one in February...). I ate a "Be Mine" last year that must have come from a package initially bagged in 1968.


Do Valentines have any specific gravity to those not directly involved in the affair in which they are given?

 

[Livingod]

if by specific gravity you mean G(m_1)(m_2) / r^2, then yes, they do have some gravity to those not directly involved.

Why is it that this thing they call "love" is associated with the human heart? The longer you write and the more BS your post contains, the better.

 

[Amp1]

Because the heart is called the seat of emotion.

How can the heart be a seat of emotion when they don't have a butt to sit?

 

[madcat11]

How can the heart be a seat of emotion when they don't have a butt to sit?

A 'butt to sit' is the loose paraphrasing of the line in last quatrain of the love poem by J. F. Prufrock, "Hearts Awing" which states: "Seating the emotional lever, he held her by motion alone; Awaiting her face in the heather, once, again, to the depths he'd atone." Therefore, they do, in fact, have one.

Where is the heart, really?

 

[jhe1984]

the heart, really (commonly confused for its distant relative, the heart)
is located on each of the toes on a snake's foot...

would you like to Biggie size it?

 

[Livingod]

Biggie size the hearts on each toe on a snake's foot? I guess it wouldn't matter since snakes have no feet or toes and thus have no hearts.

But this raises another quetion: how can snakes live if they don't have hearts?

 

[Amp1]

But this raises another quetion: how can snakes live if they don't have hearts?

Simple, as they slither and wriggle fluid is forced through their bodies.

When snakes slither and wriggle, do they giggle?

 

[zoobyshoe]

When snakes slither and wriggle, do they giggle?

Only the Great Tzugonian Giggling Adder giggles. All other snakes merely carry a glint of humor in their eyes. I'm personally fond of the Western Addled Adder, which staggers as it wriggles. Then there's the Lorentz Sidewinder which winds sideways to obviate the fact it ends up in a spiral every time it tries to go slither straight in the Earth's magnetic field.

What are crab's excuse?

 

[Amp1]

Zoobyshoe,

What are crab's excuse?

C law doctrine is pinned sir, to the wall although I didn't at first see it.

In a wasteland, how many mines can you find?

 

[zoobyshoe]

In a wasteland, how many mines can you find?

It depends on how many you lost. Once when I was an adventurous lad of 45 I went trekking with a walking stick through the wastlands of the Great American Northwest to find the Lost Dutchman's Mine. He didn't lose it there, but the scenery is better. I did happen to find the lost Dutchman, himself, though just as he was scooping up the bag of cash dropped by D.B. Cooper as he jumped from the plane. This was in a dense wood. It was all very symetrical in my mind at the time: the Dutchman who lost his mine finds money someone else lost. I thought that if I could only transport myself to the southwestern desert I'd probably stumble upon D.B. Cooper finding the lost Dutchman's mine. But that was the speculation of a young zoobie. I had many rash flights of imagination like that at the time.

Speaking of lost minds, are these collected in a lost and found somewhere?

 

[jimmie]

Speaking of lost minds, are these collected in a lost and found somewhere?

They were, but the lost and found dude lost his mind and, subsequently the lost and found itself.

Speaking of subsequences, what happens before a dude loses his mind?

 

[Livingod]

First, a dude must be out of his mind in order to lose it. Second, since he is out of his mind, he proceeds to do something stupid such as pick up a machete or answer a quetion in this thread. Third, upon sight of this, the dude's mind decides to get out of harm's way by getting as far away from the dude as possible. Fourth, the dude has no idea that his mind is running away and pounds furiously at his keyboard in an attempt to answer the quetion as quickly as possible. (or he is slicing off body parts, either way) Fifth, now that the dude has presses the "Post Quick Reply" button (or cut off his genitals, doesn't matter) he is out of his trance and sees that his mind is gone. Finally, after a fifteen second scream, he comes to realization that he has lost his mind and needs another one. And thus are the events just before a dude loses his mind to the point when he does lose it.

Since the minds' lost-and-found is lost, where can I get myself a new mind? (because as you can tell, I have lost mine)

 

[zoobyshoe]

Since the minds' lost-and-found is lost, where can I get myself a new mind? (because as you can tell, I have lost mine)

Six out of ten lost minds are found and carried away to their nest by the common ant, where their only purpose seems to be decorative. Three of the remaining four are adopted and raised by newts, of all things, probably because minds are amphibious. The remaining one of ten often simply climbs the nearest tree and perches there indefinitely. I don't believe science has determined what they're up to. Anyway, check in some of those places.

Recently when a group of Mexican school kids mistook me for a pinata, hung me from a tree limb, and began swinging at me with a stout broom handle, it occurred to me that by losing my lunch I might fool them into thinking they'd busted me open and released the candy goodness inside.

That would've been kinda mean though, wouldn't it?

 

[Amp1]

Mean that's just the half of it, the water would have run off...where I don't know. The puke would be collected and mixed with jalapenos and searved au graten to some mutt as an hor devour the nastiness.

If the pickadilly circus competed with boarshead ham who would get sliced, dilled or julliened?

 

[jimmy p]

If the pickadilly circus competed with boarshead ham who would get sliced, dilled or julliened?

Oddly enough, neither. They would realize that they are a match made in heaven, get married and have 4 wonderful children.

If milk is left too long in cows is it turned to cheese?

 

[Amp1]

It doesn't curdle or gurgle, slosh or slish but mozzerella and jack thinks it still taste great.

When you clap with one hand, do your fingers pop?

 

[zoobyshoe]

When you clap with one hand, do your fingers pop?

This is the kind of stupid quetion that requires years of meditative deliberation before the spark of an incandescent, epiphanic insight hits you like a medium sized octopus flug from a trebuche on the other side of the moat of your small, insulated worldview and awakens you to the wondrous, sucker-tentacled, or perhaps tentacle-suckered, truth: It is that which that did it so it is that that it is!

Once when I was doing a finger-popping, hand-clapping, finger-licking, eye-popping, bunch of new dance moves I learned in a dream from a Balinese puppeteer with two left eyes, I happened to observe that I had remembered to trim the nails of the toes of one of my feet. That may seem like a good thing, but it meant I'd forgotten to do the other foot. Although it hadn't interferred with things before I noticed, this newfound awareness of being out of balance forced me to syncopate suddenly surging surreptitiously several steps sideways.

Edgar, the quick-witted piano player, saw my dilema and instantly switched to some form of ragtime music or another to cover my off-beat steppin' and jivin'. At that point a polish aviator of my acquaintance burst into the dance hall, as high as a possum with a six tank a day helium habit, and seeing me for the first time since the last time he saw me, bellowed out in my direction "WWHHHAASSSHHHEE EEEUUUUUPPPP ZZOOOOBBBYEEE?"

Lost for words, I shrugged.

What else could anyone have said in that position?

 

[jimmy p]

Well quite frankly, I wouldn't have shrugged my shoulders at that point. I would have broken 4 of my fingers and THEN shrugged my shoulders. However if I were forced at gun point to answer that kind of sick and sadistic quetion, I suppose I could have said "certainly not an earthworm, unless someone were using it to play tennis".

As I was sitting in the darkened corner of the room you were doing the finger-popping, hand-clapping, finger-licking, eye-popping dance. First I was intrigued to find my fingers both being popped and licked, and then pleasantly suprised to find my eyes popping along with my fingers.

After pondering upon this for about 8 weeks without food, sleep or drink, I finally came up with a quetion or two. When was the last time someone did an eye licking dance? And who was responsible for such a contraversial act?

 

[zoobyshoe]

When was the last time someone did an eye licking dance?

I'm surprised a man of your je ne sais quios has never seen the tragi-poetic cinematic masterpiece Last Eye Licking Dance In Paris staring Marmon Blandoh as the middle aged, existentially tubby seducer of the young, existentially well busomed, curly-haired young actress, whom we get to existentially see pretty much buck naked in a scene or two, which is important when you're a young zoobie just turned 18 and allowed to get into such films.

Which is the position I found myself in at the time. Also, I was seated. It was a movie theater, if I recall correctly, and I was surrounded by movie goers. It was dark. I started practising my typing on the head of the gentleman in front of me: aa ss dd ff jj kk ll ;;. He found it soothing, I supposed, since there were no complaints. Perhaps he'd simply passed away, though. I didn't smell anything to that effect. Perhaps I'd have envied him if he had. What a way to go!

Ennit?

 

[jimmy p]

There are many factors to consider here, such as why you missed out such important letters as gg and hh. Also, the fact that that you used the more inferior letters on the second alphabetical row as opposed to the much reknowned QWERTY, or the much scorned ZXCVBNM (scorned for its overuse of consonants). My guess would be that he took this as an insult, as many indigenous peoples of Bognor Regis may well do and in a fit of rage, fell into a coma. Ennit? I think not.

As an avid user of keyboards, I am prone to noticing that I overuse the "e" key. Having being spurned on by your story of soothing cranial typing skills, I conducted research on 117 Sociology students (in case I tapped to hard, it wouldn't matter) and discovered that the reason that "e" is so popular is that it has the most soothing effect on people when typed on their head, regardless of hair or not. I was wondering, can anyone explain this mysterious phenomenon?

 

[zoobyshoe]

I was wondering, can anyone explain this mysterious phenomenon?

"e" generally ends up just anterior to the soprifiform gyrus of the left parietal lobe when cranially typed, stimulating such a surge of bordom that the person is rendered fast asleep within seconds. Unless the typist has shorter fingers whereupon the tapped "e" hits just posterior to said gyrus, resulting in the stimulation of reverse-hearing syndrome, a peculiar experience in which things are heard in reverse. Which is what you'd expect from the name of the syndrome. That's not always the case with syndromes. Some syndromes, like Archer's Left Thumb Syndrome, mis-suggest what they're all about. We'd expect that to have something to do with Archery when, in fact, it is a debilitating reading impairment that developes from trying to read the messages typed on people's heads. These always seem to say "left thumb", and the condition was first described, not by any Doctor Archer, but by Dr. Clarence F. Folletos, who named it after the man whose head most often seemed to have these words typed on it.

Was that too much detail?

 

[jimmy p]

Was that too much detail?

The stupidity of that quetion belies the longevity of the previous answer. There were many theorems which support reasons as to why the general idocy of a quetion is directly linked to the longevity of the previous answer. Unfortunately, when all the leading researchers were presented with the quetion about stupid quetion:detailed previous answer, they were first of all confused as to what the previous answer to that quetion was, and it's length, which is now a known constant, of @. The main concern was that once they had finished coming up with an answer, the posed it to the board, who asked an insanely stupid quetion. Giving that their 5000 page dossier was the previous answer to that quetion, the researchers were infuriated and burned the work.

To keep a balance between my answer and the possible stupidity of the quetion I'm about to ask, how long do you think your answer should be?

 

[jimmie]

Was that too much detail?

Yes.

Speaking of details, what part of the cow gets cut-off first at the slaughter house?

 

[zoobyshoe]

To keep a balance between my answer and the possible stupidity of the quetion I'm about to ask, how long do you think your answer should be?

I like to follow classical guidelines in this sort of thing. Specifically, the wisdom of Squanderus Maximus, the Latin pedant and social critic, who advised that the ratio of anser to quetion should not depart appreciably from the ratio of the length of an oxtail at high noon on the second day of the feast of Jupiter to the weight of a bushel of Carthaginian shoe leather. He thought that a nice ratio. He had his reasons.

Speaking of the ancients, I was recently looking over my boyhood copy of the great Latin General Seizer's account of his military campaigns in Baul, Seizer's Baulic (rhymes with bollock) Wars, and read again those famous opening words, "Greater Baul is divided by zero into three parts, one of which is inhabited by the circle squarers, another by the angle trisectors, and the third of which by the..."

Who remembers who inhabited the third part?

 

[jimmy p]

Who remembers who inhabited the third part?

If I recall correctly, it was an ancient race of isoceles dodecahedronites. A much feared race of people, violent and zealously dedicated to their god, Geometrus.

This discussion of ancient history brings me to other quetions. As we are well aware through the ages, there has always been a favourite drink. Nowadays, we have cola, in the middle ages, there was a concoction made from the horn of a unicorn, in the dark ages there was a sweat mixed with larks droppings. I am having a dinner party in a few days, and have the ingredients to make these delightful potions, but I can't for the life of me remember what the Romans used to drink.

Can you give me the recipe?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Can you give me the recipe?

Start with an amphora or two of common wine. Add three handfuls of yellow ochre Earth from the left bank of the Tiber and three fish heads per litre of liquid, and let sit in the sun two weeks. Now add four cups of the juice of stinging nettles, stir, and pour the contents into several pigs stomachs, hang from the limb of a deciduous tree, and beat the bags for an hour with switches cut from bushes growing outside the Temple of Bacchus. Set the bags on the ground and have them be sat upon for warming by any corpulent peasant women who've had more than three children. Add some pellets of lead, a dash of quicksilver, and the hooves and hide scraps of ruminant animals. Simmer. Decant. Chill. Add a raspberry. Enjoy!

Why couldn't I think of a more Byzantine and disturbing recipe?

 

[jimmy p]

Why couldn't I think of a more Byzantine and disturbing recipe?

I have had my suspicions about you right from the start. You have come across as Byzantinian in the past, however I feel it is a ruse. At first I was awake at night wondering why that answer was not as it should have been. In the brief moments that I slept, I also awoke screaming and in a cold sweat because I felt that my previous quetion and answer were of a mediocre standard, they didn't have the edge. Could it be? They certainly had a level of stupidity, and that helped me reason with myself. It merely states "ask a stupid quetion, get a stupid answer", it doesn't require degrees of stupidity, and therefore my responses were just. Which leads me to you. I spent the day looking through the web and various ancient texts, rubbings and manuscripts in my vault, and nowhere did the word Zoobyshoe, Zooby, or shoe appear in any ancient language, except that of the Minoans. The brush shelter is where Minoan hermits, who pondered on the stupidity in life, lived. You would expect them to be messy, but no. Zooby's of the ancient kind were orderly. So the reason you couldn't think of a Byzantine and disgusting answer is because you are a clean living Minoan Zooby.

Because I spent all of this time in my vault searching for the answer, I have missed a days work and have developed an allergy to dust. Was it worth it?