wabbit said:
did a calculation for the round trip of a photon from the hovering observer to some point which can be the infalling observer reflecting that photon, and I find that time (proper time of the hoverer) is infinite. So if this is correct, any time in his future, the hoverer will still be receiving messages saying "not crossed yet, getting closer".
The round trip time is always finite, although it becomes arbitrarily large as the infaller gets arbitrarily close to the horizon. When the infaller reaches the horizon, the round trip time isn't infinite - it's undefined, because the light signal doesn't make the round trip at all. But it is a great stretch, and one that I doubt you would accept in any other context, to say that because light from an event never reaches your eyes that event never happens (or doesn't happen until an infinite amount of time has passed).
Suppose that every five seconds you send a time stamped radio message to the infaller, and when he receives it he replies "I saw your message dated <whatever>". You send a sequence of messages reading "12:00:05", "12:00:10", "12:00:15", ... and you receive (perhaps millennia later) messages reading "I saw your 12:00:05 message", and "I saw your 12:00:10 message", but no matter how long you wait you will never ever receive a reply to your "12:00:15" message. I can reasonably describe this as the infaller passing through the horizon sometime between receiving my 12:00:10 message and my 12:00:15 message.
As for when these three events (infaller received 12:00:10, infaller passed horizon, infaller received 12:00:15) "happened"? None of them are on my worldline, so I have to map them to events that are on my wordline and to which I can assign proper times. So I choose a coordinate system that covers both my worldline and the infaller's worldline; note the time coordinate of the event on the infaller's worldline; then identify the point on my worldline that has the same time coordinate so happened "at the same time". Whatever my wristwatch reads at that point... that's "when" the event happened.
1) This is equivalent to the procedure that we follow in ordinary flat Minkowski spacetime for assigning times to events off our worldline. The only difference is that in the flat spacetime case, there is an obvious and natural choice of coordinate system, so we don't notice the extent to which "at the same time" is just a convention based on our choice of coordinate system. In curved spacetime, we don't have this luxury.
2) Schwarzschild coordinates are unusable for this purpose because they don't cover both worldlines.
3) The Kruskal time coordinate works just fine however, and there is no difficulty converting the Kruskal time coordinate of a point on the observer's worldine to the time displayed by the observer's wristwatch at that point. Of course, a different choice of coordinates would produce different results... which is why we say that simultaneity is a convention.
There is, however, a very great difference between saying that there is no single universally accepted definition of when the infaller's crossing the horizon "happens", and saying that it never "happens" or that it "happens" after infinite time.