How do you personally cope with stress?

[Fervent Freyja]

I have few natural coping skills to deal with stress. Lately, my stress is so bad that my normal routes aren't working. I'm trying not to have sex but only once or twice a week. I can't even focus to do anything I used to find enjoyable and relaxing. I'm trying to drink a few days a week, but it only helps during. I stopped swimming and am stuck in a cycle that walking or hiking doesn't appeal anymore. My bike no longer appeals. I feel annoyed and frustrated more than ever. I have gained weight and don't even care when I would have before. I can't play music, as I got rid of my piano last month and that might be one reason it seems like it's worsening. I've been resorting to things like more than 1 hot bath a day (I took 3 one day last weekend) and getting in my car and just driving around listening to music. I feel like I am going crazy at some points. It's like I can only focus on one long-term goal (which is months away from executing and completing) and I don't see any daily progress to it, I can't do much more to prepare than I already have. It isn't work stress, I handle that as I go and it's boring. My stress starts going through the roof as soon as I get home. Cooking used to be relaxing but now I just want to buy out or put something together quickly.

Other than all that how do you personally deal with stress? What are some methods I could try and might naturally go to?

Is it possible to be so stressed that you can't even focus long enough to do things that normally relieve your stress? How do I calm myself down and stop worrying so much?

 

[fresh_42]

The usual recommendation is sports. So swimming is a really good idea, because you can sort out your thoughts while swimming. Swim long, not fast. I find it a bit boring, but as you said you did it, do it again. Another possibility which we westerners have is music. You can influence your moods with music, in absence of Tibetan contemplative methods and deep meditation. Yoga, is the second best, but not everybody can do all exercises due to health restrictions as e.g. high blood pressure and some more. But with music you can really influence your autonomic nerve system. You can get a better mood with e.g. 60's beat music like Herman's Hermits or Beach Boys, or country, but country lyrics are often a bit depressing. To gain power, I like Wagner overtures like Tannhäuser (around 15 min). If you want to calm down if the rest around you tries to upset you, I recommend Janis' Bobby McGee. Techno helps me to sleep better. So there are various possibilities. However, there are also pieces which will do the opposite. Tchaikovsky's 6th is a really bad idea, will say an absolute downer.

 

[russ_watters]

I was going to suggest removing the stressor if possible, but:

It isn't work stress, I handle that as I go and it's boring. My stress starts going through the roof as soon as I get home...

How do I calm myself down and stop worrying so much?

You may want to talk to a therapist about this. Feeling stress without a clear-cut stressor causing it isn't something that should happen.

 

[BillTre]

Exercise (I like running) and music (active or passive) are what I would think if first.
Do a hobby.
Commune with friends.
The ideal approach would be to identify and deal with your stressor, sounds like something recent.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

The usual recommendation is sports. So swimming is a really good idea, because you can sort out your thoughts while swimming. Swim long, not fast. I find it a bit boring, but as you said you did it, do it again. Another possibility which we westerners have is music. You can influence your moods with music, in absence of Tibetan contemplative methods and deep meditation. Yoga, is the second best, but not everybody can do all exercises due to health restrictions as e.g. high blood pressure and some more. But with music you can really influence your autonomic nerve system. You can get a better mood with e.g. 60's beat music like Herman's Hermits or Beach Boys, or country, but country lyrics are often a bit depressing. To gain power, I like Wagner overtures like Tannhäuser (around 15 min). If you want to calm down if the rest around you tries to upset you, I recommend Janis' Bobby McGee. Techno helps me to sleep better. So there are various possibilities. However, there are also pieces which will do the opposite. Tchaikovsky's 6th is a really bad idea, will say an absolute downer.

Thanks fresh. I am normally semi-active, but I'm having trouble feeling like my one-goal is a priority over any of that. When I take my daughter to the park after school I can't stay as long as before, I just feel anxious. I have been trying to stay out of the house with her until late as I can. I'm even visiting people and trying to make friends. I normally swim during warmer months and that's all I do at the gym. It's fine when I can set goals for progress in swimming but I don't even see the point anymore. My vitamin D levels are still low (as of last month), but I can't even tolerate having to lay in a tanning bed anymore! I've cut caffiene down and weaned myself off of Xanax 2 months ago (helps my goal). I'm on an antipsychotic, antidepressant, and one sleeping med, which I want to try going without as soon as my goal is complete, but none of that is helping.

And music, I'm really going crazy because all I want to listen to is old school rap and hip hop! Totally different.

"Sex relives tension and love causes it."

Sorry not to be of much help, but that's the first thing that popped in my head.

Well, as soon as he discovered my plans for divorce (snooping in a journal a little over a month ago) he started f*cking his ex-girlfriend from 10 years ago and I know he's talking to that wench daily), so I don't really want him touching me right now. I'm only putting out when he really, really needs it (and since I cannot prove he's doing it, can't argue when he insists). I don't even feel any urge to have an orgasm, it doesn't even help when I do. There is no love with him, it's utility, and if he can't have use of me then I don't mean anything. I have even tried to enter sex chats to make myself feel better, but that didn't do anything. Like, I have been trying to get one on the side, too, but can't bring myself to do it. I have never touched another man in 10 years, no matter how much flirting I do or attention I get, daily, but he goes and cheats as soon as he thinks it's over, that is disappointing and pisses me off. Like, I want this to be over with now and am tired of being hurt and waiting for my love life to get better. And I've had 4 drinks already tonight.

Just wait until the school year is over. I won't have to worry anymore.

 

[fresh_42]

Ethanol makes things worse. Always.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

I was going to suggest removing the stressor if possible, but:

You may want to talk to a therapist about this. Feeling stress without a clear-cut stressor causing it isn't something that should happen.

I'm seeing a therapist once a month. They give me a first-ever diagnosis of bipolar (because I looked hysterical when I went forward and told them my concerns about my husband snapping and killing me for leaving him). I am working with my local crisis center and being coached to go about this process safely and that how I do it is in my daughter's best interest. But, I have never had to take care of myself and am scared. I've never really paid bills or been on my own. I am terrified of the future and don't want to fail.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

Ethanol make things worse. Always.

Okay, I will research this. I was only going by consensus that this is a stress reliever. I haven't seen much difference except that it makes me act out of character. I actually snuck away to a bar with my sister last weekend, because it seems like what a normal person does for stress relief. Tell me what to do to relieve the stress and I will try it.

I can't read. Sit long enough to watch recent movie releases. PF used to be a stress-reliever and I enjoyed it. I don't even care the distraction is anymore, I would stay at work until bedtime if my daughter weren't here- it's that bad. I even have a new puppy, a cute german shepherd, that hasn't got to experience *me* yet. I cannot even take it everywhere like I would have before.

Anytime I'm not distracted I start worrying and I don't know what more I can do.

 

[jedishrfu]

Some choices still left are:

Get a guitar or ukulele and learn some slack key aka Hawaiian guitar. Both instruments are compact. You might be able to teach your daughter and have a duet of songs.

Get into athletic dance or Taekwondo or even Tai Chi. I think Taekwondo would be the best option here. You could take your daughter too. She might like if you also take her out afterwards for a treat like ice cream or fast food or to the local bookstore.

The anxiety of being in a place means you need to find another place to stay or you need to get some counseling to help you deal with the root of the anxiety. Practicing music or danc at home might help mitigate these feelings.

 

[WWGD]

I was going to suggest removing the stressor if possible.

...But I can't kick my parents out of their own house! :).

 

[Fervent Freyja]

...But I can't kick my parents out of their own house! :).

What about video games? I enjoyed older Prince of Persia and Spyro type games when I was a teen. Maybe?

What do I do? I keep thinking being more sociable would help.

I'm not in school right now. I need a bunch of shorter term goals to distract me. Please help. I need something that I can do that is distracting, that I can dive right into do. I need something that helps me feel like things are moving forward and will turn out okay.

I have 3 months that I have to fill up or I will go crazier.

Should I go ahead and get a lover on the side like he did? That would be distracting. Problem is that he still monitor's me like I'm the one cheating, when it's only EVER been him doing it. He locked my pc in his gunsafe months ago and I don't trust it anymore. Broke my laptop AND cell phone (it hit me in the head). I have to resort to my cell phone and keep it cleared even though when I requested access to his he sat there with me while I looked through it. I don't even have that desire. But, hey, that's what other people seem to resort to when life isn't going well.

Girl scouts. I can still get my daughter into that.

I need suggestions. What can I devote my extra time to for the next 3 months. Like 6pm to 10pm is ideal.

 

[WWGD]

What about video games? I enjoyed older Prince of Persia and Spyro type games when I was a teen. Maybe?

What do I do? I keep thinking being more sociable would help.

I'm not in school right now. I need a bunch of shorter term goals to distract me. Please help. I need something that I can do that is distracting, that I can dive right into do. I need something that helps me feel like things are moving forward and will turn out okay.

I have 3 months that I have to fill up or I will go crazier.

Should I go ahead and get a lover on the side like he did? That would be distracting. Problem is that he still monitor's me like I'm the one cheating, when it's only EVER been him doing it. He locked my pc in his gunsafe months ago and I don't trust it anymore. Broke my laptop AND cell phone (it hit me in the head). I have to resort to my cell phone and keep it cleared even though when I requested access to his he sat there with me while I looked through it. I don't even have that desire. But, hey, that's what other people seem to resort to when life isn't going well.

Girl scouts. I can still get my daughter into that.

I need suggestions. What can I devote my extra time to for the next 3 months. Like 6pm to 10pm is ideal.

We don't know you well-enough. Are you a nerd? Download SQL Server, Learn Python, etc. Tell us a bit more on what you like.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

Get into athletic dance or Taekwondo or even Tai Chi. I think Taekwondo would be the best option here. You could take your daughter too. She might like if you also take her out afterwards for a treat like ice cream or fast food or to the local bookstore.

The anxiety of being in a place means you need to find another place to stay or you need to get some counseling to help you deal with the root of the anxiety. Practicing music or danc at home might help mitigate these feelings.

Okay. I've been thinking about learning how to defend myself in case he physically attacks me. I am going to see what I can get there locally. A good idea.

I can't even gather the focus to help my daughter on her violin or guitar.

I am on autopilot and cannot be fully present for her right now, to do anything "extra". I hate this. I never planned for this. I'm not used to having to be this way and it scares me.

I don't have a single person in my life telling me it will all be okay. All my therapist does is listen, little feedback.

I might take my new interest in hip hop to try dance lessons. Twerking or something.

I am going insane.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

We don't know you well-enough. Are you a nerd? Download SQL Server, Learn Python, etc. Tell us a bit more on what you like.

My lazy butt needs to learn LaTex, but he would have to be super-hot. I'm only 30 and my primary motivation is still sexual. I'm not in nerd mode right now anyway. A new, creative solution to Navier-stokes using astronomical bodies? Like, I have a possible solution, but later. Right now, I need to find something normal that's distracting. Mindless.

I need something that puts me more on autopilot. Like scrubbing floors kind of mindless.

 

[OCR]

I recommend Janis' Bobby McGee.

Naw... Millers version is much better... .

Ethanol make things worse. Always.

Okay, I will research this.

You might want to research this a bit, too... although, it's not for me to say.

...and weaned myself off of Xanax 2 months ago...

Right now, I need to find something normal that's distracting.

Maybe, you could change your avatar... again ??

.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

Maybe, you could change your avatar... again ??

.

What, none of you know how to spice things up and post a different avatar? The same one is boring. mfb even changed his recently. I love mfb so much. He is so cool.

You guys aren't telling me what *you* all personally do for stress relief. I want to know. I don't care how crazy it is, I will try it, as long as it's easy and mindless to do, every single day, from around 6pm to 10pm!

 

[jedishrfu]

Rake leaves. Shovel snow.

There’s a Buddhist parable of a monk who just couldn’t understand the teachings on zen and enlightenment until his teacher sent him to a distant temple to brush away the leaves. It was the sound of the broom that awakened him to living in the present.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

Rake leaves. Shovel snow.

There’s a Buddhist parable of a monk who just couldn’t understand the teachings on zen and enlightenment until his teacher sent him to a distant temple to brush away the leaves. It was the sound of the broom that awakened him to living in the present.

Right, something that can keep me in the present. I'm so hyperviligant and painfully aware of my surroundings now, that I can't do much to take me out of it. I cannot seem to turn it off. It's like my hackles are up and I can't find the source. They won't let down and I'm going to extremes to prevent myself from being distracted from my immediate surroundings.

Is this instinct operating? My entire life I've been able to tune out of my surroundings and explore my mind, but for the first time ever, I cannot and it scares me.

 

[jedishrfu]

When you’re hyper vigilant, you feel like you’ll notice everything but that’s not actually true. You must be relaxed and in the present to be totally aware of what’s happening around you.

in martial arts, a good fighter can manipulate a hyper vigilant one to make moves that momentarily open up his defenses and then when that happens strike. It’s hard to do to a relaxed fighter because they won’t respond to feints saving their energy for real attacks and thus defending themselves better.

 

[Chronos]

I find it soothing to take turns with the dog abusing his chew toy. Being tossed, tugged, bitten, and shedding slobber soaked stuffing is not an enviable path to self actualization. I'll say one thing though, that little toy is a real trooper and has taught me a valuable life lesson - an occasional squeak in protest is perfectly fine, but you are under no obligation to offer anyone anything that could be construed as a treat for p**sing on your parade.

 

[strangerep]

@Fervent Freyja:

At the start of this thread it sounded like "just" classic anxiety -- which has physical effects such as cortisol/adrenaline production, and panic attacks like something terrible is welling up inside but you can't identify the source -- just an amorphous feeling that something terrible is about to happen.

The symptoms of mild-to-moderate anxiety can be mitigated by so-called "advanced breathing": count to 5 as you take a slow deep breath through your nose into your abdomen, hold breath for a count of 3, then exhale slowly for a count of 5. Concentrate on nothing else but the counting and the breathing. Keep repeating as long as you possibly can. If you find your mind wandering, bring it back to the counting.

In parallel, there's also the Jacobson Relaxation/Breathing Technique of progressively tensing one muscle group, then letting it go, then tensing another muscle group, and so on. (Google will give lots of hits describing the detail of the technique.)

I didn't really understand your reference to "end of school" when your worries "will go away". How does school ending do that?

Regardless, it sounds like your relationship has degraded to the point where I'm deeply concerned about you. If as you say, he "locked your PC away in his gunsafe", "broke your laptop and cell", physically harming you, then you're in a classic abusive/control relationship and you need to get out by any means possible. How is he with your daughter? Any bad signs/hints?

Have you broached the possibility of going to marriage counseling? If so, what reaction?

I'm glad you mentioned the local crisis center.

I have never had to take care of myself and am scared. I've never really paid bills or been on my own.

Of course you'll be able to do it -- thousands (millions?) of women do it all over the world. Being on your own isn't so bad, after an adjustment period. It's far better to be in no relationship than to be trapped in a bad relationship.

 

[bhobba]

I was going to suggest removing the stressor if possible, but:

You may want to talk to a therapist about this. Feeling stress without a clear-cut stressor causing it isn't something that should happen.

Right. Seeing a psychiatrist to rule out organic causes is a must. Do not delay. Of course a psychiatrist can treat the stress if it's not organic.

Thanks
Bill

 

[cobalt124]

Reading posts #14-#17, in my own experience seeking to run on autopilot/being mindless can only help in the short term, the comment about brushing leaves and raking and using sensations to bring you into the present, I find is a great reliever of stress, and if practiced regularly over time can improve quality of life.

 

[StatGuy2000]

@Fervent Freyja

I am not a doctor so take what I write here for what it's worth, but after reading your thread, I really think that you need to see a licensed psychiatrist (not just a therapist, but an actual medical doctor who can prescribe medication) as soon as possible, as it sounds to me that you are experiencing symptoms of acute anxiety. These symptoms will likely worsen instead of improve, regardless of what stressors you are experiencing, and can potentially become crippling.

I've known several friends who have been prescribed anti-anxiety medication after experiencing symptoms similar to yourself and it has done wonders for them, but a licensed medical professional will best be able to help you.

[To moderators: Do you think we should close this thread for further moderation, since we are discussing suggestions for medical advice?]

 

[fresh_42]

[To moderators: Do you think we should close this thread for further moderation, since we are discussing suggestions for medical advice?]

I would have closed it quite a while ago as it switched from stress handling to a more personal matter. However, I know the OP agrees on a public discussion, which made me hesitate. So far the only medical advice has been to search for professional medical advice, which itself is rather reasonable.

 

[bland]

The key to handling all forms of emotional stress is to be sane. The goal is to align objective reality with subjective reality. The closer these two align the saner one will be. Objective reality is a simple appreciation of what is.

EDIT: some more specific advice would be to find some audio books that you like, these can be very relaxing because if you mind wanders off you can rewind a bit to where you last remembered. I want to be clear that I am not referring to 'self help, or 'relaxation' type of audio books. More like something interesting, well read and not overly taxing, for example 'Bill Bryson's 'A Short History of Nearly Everything'. There are many excellent lecture series at TTC. Another advantage is that it's easy to drift off to sleep.

As for music I would suggest something more intricate minimalist and technical, for example anything by Basic Channel, or The Orb's 'Moonbuilding'

 

[Dale]

You might benefit from some time serving others. Things like helping at a food bank or habitat for humanity or whatever service organization grabs your interest. Serving others reduces stress for me, and compared to some of the other suggestions in this thread there are less negative consequences later plus the opportunity to build up your support network.

 

[CWatters]

It's clear from your post #5 that there is a lot going on in your life. I suggest you need to decide if you really want to continue with your relationship as it is or work to change or even end it. I'd also go see your doctor to get your medication reviewed. Different versions of the same drugs have different side effects so it might a case of switching versions rather than changing dose.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

in martial arts, a good fighter can manipulate a hyper vigilant one to make moves that momentarily open up his defenses and then when that happens strike. It’s hard to do to a relaxed fighter because they won’t respond to feints saving their energy for real attacks and thus defending themselves better.

I'm going to give this a try. There is one trainer that offers weekly lessons. I think knowing how to defend myself will help with my anxiety.

I find it soothing to take turns with the dog abusing his chew toy. Being tossed, tugged, bitten, and shedding slobber soaked stuffing is not an enviable path to self actualization. I'll say one thing though, that little toy is a real trooper and has taught me a valuable life lesson - an occasional squeak in protest is perfectly fine, but you are under no obligation to offer anyone anything that could be construed as a treat for p**sing on your parade.

Thanks for the laugh. I bet you are a good master to your puppy dog...

@Fervent Freyja:I didn't really understand your reference to "end of school" when your worries "will go away". How does school ending do that?

Regardless, it sounds like your relationship has degraded to the point where I'm deeply concerned about you. If as you say, he "locked your PC away in his gunsafe", "broke your laptop and cell", physically harming you, then you're in a classic abusive/control relationship and you need to get out by any means possible. How is he with your daughter? Any bad signs/hints?

I reasoned that the summer is the best time for a child to have to deal with such a transition. I wish I could make the move now.

It's gotten far worse now that I'm trying to get out. I feel like I am so rational a person, that I am vulnerable to manipulation- it just blows my mind, the irrationality of this sort of warfare. I can't fight irrationality. It throws me off. Every manipulative tactic in the book seems to get thrown at me and it is so beyond reason to use all that, it blows my mind when thrown at me! And the thing is, people that I'm telling have a hard time believing me I think, because I don't present myself as a victim and some of things he does is so out there that I think they don't believe me!

With my daughter, there is no physical abuse or anything that will help me remove her from the home. I just can't get out because of legalities holding her in her childhood home. And I'm not leaving her, no matter how bad it gets. This is why I just cannot leave and so I'm stuck dealing with the anxiety and stress daily. I need to learn how to deal with this stress, because my negative reactions to stress are causing his negative behaviors and abuse to escalate. I want to learn how to calm myself, so that he won't keep reacting to it.

@Fervent Freyja

I really think that you need to see a licensed psychiatrist

I do, once a month, in order to get my medications.

You might benefit from some time serving others. Things like helping at a food bank or habitat for humanity or whatever service organization grabs your interest. Serving others reduces stress for me, and compared to some of the other suggestions in this thread there are less negative consequences later plus the opportunity to build up your support network.

Yes! I have thought about giving myself to my mother's church. She has a food pantry. If I am made responsible for something like that, then I won't want to disappoint and will show up to do the work.

-

Thank you all for the suggestions! I am going to try some of them.

 

[jedishrfu]

Pepper spray is a good defensive backup carry it, use it, and runaway. TKD is the same: kick or punch and runaway.

Don’t do anything that he can use against you in court as I’m sure he’ll try. Hence don’t get a boyfriend or anything that reflects on your fitness as a mother.

Take care.