How Many Surrealists Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

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So there was this comedian that joined a pun contest to see who could come up with the best pun. To increase his chances of winning, he entered ten puns. But sadly, no pun in ten did.

P.S. No pun intended.

 

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How was copper wire invented?

Two lawers were arguing over a penny.

 

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funny

How many really dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: one.

 

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What's the largest world wide use of cow hide?

To hold cows together!

 

[Adrian Baker]

Its the way I tell them...

Ben had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress.
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once
a month; otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his
door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come... About 5:00..."

"Great," said Ben, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn ya...There's gonna
be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," said Ben. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with
the best of em."

Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too! ."

Ben said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."

Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," said Ben, warming to the idea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stopped in the door again and said,"Whatever you want. Just gonna
be the two of us."

 

[Adrian Baker]

and another ...

An Australian ventriloquist visiting rural Wales, walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have little fun...


Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a f***ing liar!

 

[photon]

I woke up this morning and found that everything I own was stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

 

[Njorl]

Everyday after work at the observatory an astrophysicist goes to the local bar to have a beer. One night, the bartender, a big burly guy named Gus, asks, "So, what do you do up there?" The Doc replies, "I study novas." "What are they?", asks Gus. So the Doc explains that they are exploding stars. He then asks Gus, "So Gus, if you found out that the sun was going to go nova in ten minutes, what would you do?" "Well Doc", Gus replies, "I'd grab the nearest thing moving and f*** the sh** out of it! What would you do Doc?" The astrophysicist replies, "I'd remain perfectly still."

Njorl

 

[photon]

I'm not trying to offend anyone, but if your going to post a joke, at least make sure that it's actually worth reading a.k.a. "funny!"

Makes me wonder why abbreviation is such a long word.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Entropy just isn't what it used to be...

 

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Entropy just isn't what it used to be...

LOL!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

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Why isn't the word, 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?

 

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I'm a bilingual illiterate. So I can't read in two different languages.

 

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Some threads just never die.

 

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Wow, you guys sure know how to make a thread feel important...

 

[chroot]

Shut up.

- Warren

 

[photon]

thanks warren, I needed that. Now I've got that new inspiration to come up with tons of jokes.

I admire the way you can communicate so much in so few words. Maybe Ill try that sometime. Hows this: Shut up.

Now let's be honest here, was that good? No, let me try again: Shut up.

I think I am getting the hang of this.

 

[Guybrush Threepwood]

nice thread, keep up the good work

 

[photon]

shut up


How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

So go on, guess. This ones easy.